The 3-for-1 Deal

How I'm doing

2011-12-07T05:47:00.000-08:00

So, it's been about 5 months since the Blighted Ovum/miscarriage/nightmare situation and I'm doing a lot better.

At the time I thought I would never get over it, and while I'm no where near "over it" I have returned to what I believe is my old self. About mid-September I decided I couldn't be upset and miserable anymore. It was so depressing, but I didn't know how to get out of it. My BFF suggested that since I've found so much help through stepmom forums/blogs to do the same thing in regards to IVF. I did and have been very thankful to share my journey with some of those ladies.

I also decided to get my ass to the gym and work off the weight I had put on with all the medications and lack of exercise. I set a goal and signed up for a running event before Thanksgiving and every morning started getting up at 4:45am to go to a spin class or to run. I focused on it while out of town, I forced myself to do it every day. And I can happily say that out of 2 months I only missed about 4 or 5 days. As the miles and days passed my anger/resentment/sadness started to pass too.

Things with my family have been much better. I don't look at my skids anymore with resentment of their existence and in fact have been bonding with them more now than ever. SS has turned 16 and has been having some crazy teen drama going on that he has felt comfortable to share with me. Sometimes we sit and talk for hours about life. My SD has recently gotten her first high school boyfriend and has been exploding with excitement and wanting to sit and talk about boys and if her feelings are normal, etc.

My husband doesn't look at me like I might fall apart any minute anymore. I hope that continues :) We do have frozen embryos so we will try again soon and keep our fingers crossed.

Frankly the only major issue I've had lately is with my mother. The woman can be such a bitch I can't stand it! She texted me (yes, TEXTED, because my mom no longer knows how to actually dial a phone anymore) and asked me if I was pregnant because of a pic she saw on FB where she felt my belly was "filling out". First of all, no. Second of all, I just dropped 10 lbs and she's asking me this? AND she's asking me this over a text message? Really, after she knows everything I've been through? I pretty much laid into her via text back and haven't spoken to her since. She of course tried to turn it around on me, and even contacted my husband who told her she is in the wrong and needs to apologize. Apology from my mother? Yeah right! The woman is the spitting image of BM (or would it really be the other way around), and has never seen the wrong she has ever done...she's always pointing fingers. Probably why I despise BM so much and feel so bad for the skids because I know what it's like having a mother who is so self involved and so full of herself and excuses you could puke. I'm just glad she lives in another state so that I can avoid her as much as possible.

We did have a bit of an issue with BM where she almost had to have back surgery and was laid up for a few weeks. She immediately tried to get sympathy from my DH and went straight to the "what am I going to do about money" bit. Um, how about calling someone who cares...like your own friends or family. She apparently is back at work, actually at a new job, and things are fine. We really hear nothing from her anymore unless it has to do with something she wants and I think she finally learned the word "NO" so it's been really quiet.

All in all, things are good. They aren't perfect, but it never is.

Movie: The Other Woman - My Official Review

2011-09-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so since this title had been going around a lot recently I had ordered it from the library and with hubby out of town I sat down tonight to watch it on my own.

Boy o boy, break out the Kleenex! I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who has not seen it, but I am going to put a disclaimer that this movie is more about grieving the loss of a baby while also being part of a step family. I didn't think so much of the movie would surround that, but it did. So, warning to all of the other stepmoms who have recently lost babies like myself or those of you that are pregnant right now...be prepared.

There are so many things that are dead on for me in this movie that really have nothing to do with the fact that their relationship started as an affair. Things like how others might treat you different when they find out you are the "step"mom. How the kids repeat hurtful things BM says about you. How BM acts like you mean nothing, and how the skid thinks everything mom says is gospel and you are wrong. Also the skid loves to point out that her family is not his family. There were times I found myself thinking "yep, been there". I think it also shows that the skids aren't always out to be mean or hurtful to us, and that stepmoms and stepkids can make their own type of relationship.

What you see in this movie is a woman struggling as a stepmom and losing her first baby. She struggles with her stepson possibly even more so because of her loss. I would say that it is as close of an accurate portrayal of the situation as I've ever seen in a movie to how I have felt personally. I think that it is a movie that shows the ups and downs and people trying to find their way in all of this. The BM is portrayed much more harshly than the stepmom, but that's what people would assume anyway of a woman scorned right? A mega-bitch.

So, take my review with whatever you will. If you decide to see the movie I think that you will finish it with a lot of food for thought.

Awkward and insensitive

2011-09-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to put this out there as more of a public service announcement...

Just because my husband has kids doesn't mean it is open for constant discussion if I do or do not want to have my own kids. It does not mean that you can ask me all the time if I plan to have my own kids and then give your opinion as to what you think I should do with MY life.

It is also not necessary to ask a woman of a certain age (in my 30's) all the time about her plans for children. Honestly, you have no idea what someone might be going through and don't feel like sharing that with you.

Over the past couple of days I have been asked close to 35 times...NO JOKE...something in regards to having kids. "Hey, how's married life? How come you aren't pregnant by now?" "So, what's the deal, are you guys going to have kids together or not?" "Um, you wouldn't plan to have kids together with his only a few years from turning 18 would you?" I'm here to tell you that these things are NONE of your business. Seriously, if someone is going to have a baby...you'll know. She'll either tell you or you will see her protruding belly. Also, if she's not sharing the info with you...it's most likely because she doesn't want to tell you that kind of private information.

I told a friend a few years ago that she should never ask people about having kids because they could be trying to with poor results and the question could upset them further. That it's not a question people should be asking. Now that I am that person that seems to be getting asked ALL the time while trying to get through my own personal emotional nightmare...I want to scream at them, "yeah you stupid son of a bitch...we are spending thousands of dollars on IVF, and I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, but thanks for keeping the wound nice and fresh for me asshole." Instead, I try to smile and say, "well, you know...if it happens it happens" and then go cry in private later.

And now for the SS15 negative...

2011-09-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

Last week I posted a positive about SS15, but then this weekend he said something that got me steaming.

Another stepmom friend of mine came over this weekend with her SD14 and newborn 3 month old son. Her and I were having a discussion about how hard a baby is and they truly require so much from you...how she misses having a hot meal, a long shower, sleep, etc. I said something like, "it really proves how much we sacrifice to have children". My SS says from across the room, "oh TS like you are really one to talk you've never had to sacrifice anything!". I take in what he just said and try to choose my words before going off in a fit of rage. I say, "excuse me? I haven't had to sacrifice anything? Are you serious? I have sacrificed my entire way of life for the 2 of you and you aren't even my kids. Don't you EVER say something like that to me ever again."

This happened 2 days ago and I'm still pissed about it. Is this really how they see us? As these women who what...had no life or something and wanted all this bullshit? That we just sat around waiting for a guy with a psycho ex and a few ungrateful kids to come along to make our lives insane? I swear, the past 4 years I have done more and SACRIFICED more for these kids than their own mother has/does. This just proves that unless you rip open your vagina and give birth all you are is just dad's sidekick.

I'm curious what you all feel you have sacrificed or given up by being a stepmom. Here's some of mine:

1) Giving up my house an hour away to live in the sticks so they could have 50/50 because mom wouldn't dare move. I have no friends in this town, no local places I like, and it takes me at least an hour to get to my office or airport instead of 15 minutes.
2) money, lots and lots of money (including lots of gas in my car for driving them all over the place)
3) being a newlywed without kids
4) a major decrease in my sex life
5) my individuality because I'm being compared to someone else all the time
6) a portion of my self esteem because I am never good enough no matter how hard I try
7) a clean house
8) being able to have privacy in my own home
9) knowing what it's like to start a family for the first time with someone
10) being able to create a baby by making love instead of with science because my husband had a vasectomy after already having 2 kids with a piece of shit woman

These are just 10 things and I will force myself to stop there or I could end up with 100.

SS15 Positive

2011-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

I had to share this...
My SS is almost 16 and learning how to drive. We have a 50/50 custody plan, and got the skids last night after 5 days. I was dreading it as usual because I never know how they are going to come back after being with their mom for 5 days.

Last night after dinner DH took him out driving. They come back about an hour later and I was in our bedroom. I asked DH how it went and he said "not good" that SS's driving was not good and that he yelled at him a couple of times. I felt bad but moved on doing my thing. A few minutes later I went to go move clothes from the washer to the dryer and SS asks me if he can talk to me outside. He is visibly upset. We go out back and he's shaking and on the verge of tears and starts telling me that he's having a hard time driving with dad and dad makes him so nervous. He tells me about what DH is doing that is freaking him out, "giving him too many directions at once, raising his voice, directing and not teaching". He says he is afraid to talk to DH about it because he is afraid he will get defensive. (this is true...DH can get really defensive if you tell him he's not doing something right). SS said it was so bad that he started crying and didnt want to drive back to the house. Which he didn't.

SS starts asking me what he should do, how he can make things better, and also tells me that he prefers driving with me because I'm calmer. He wants to know if I can go next time and see if he's overreacting about dad or if I have any other pointers. I told him I will go with them tonight and see. Then I talked to him about what my dad did when I was learning to drive and that I was scared shitless, that learning to drive is exciting and scary and you will have good days and bad days. At the end he said, "thanks for talking to me I feel a lot better."

I have to say that it felt really good that he wanted to talk to me. He didn't call his mom which is what he normally does. He actually seeker me out when he was scared and upset. I think this says a lot about how he views me, and it really put a smile on my face.

IVF Update

2011-07-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

I had taken a break from blogging for awhile to destress and focus on my personal life. This should explain my disappearance. Even though I've been MIA for several months now, I wanted to post this very personal story in hopes that it might help someone in a current situation or in the future.

First, let me say that I apologize for how long this is going to be, but I am going to pack this full of probably too much information because I wish I might have read something like this a few years ago. Even if it was just informational.

For any of the newbies that doesn't know me I have been with my husband for almost 4 years and we got married last October. I just turned 33 (he is 37) and have SD14 and SS15 (almost 16) 50% of the time. I have a good relationship with my skids (although that did NOT happen overnight), but I have wanted my own kids. When I fell in love with DH I knew he had a vasectomy. I've heard of tons of people having it reversed so we didn't really think anything of it. We figured we'd have it reversed and try to have kids of our own when we are ready. Plain and simple right? Not quite. Very naive of us to think that. About 4 months or so after being married we decided to start talking to some doctors so we would know what kind of costs would be involved (insurance will not cover a reversal). We found out it would be about $7K+ to have a reversal. Now, here is what everyone needs to know. A "successful" reversal is when they can find sperm in the ejaculate. Any sperm...1 sperm, crappy sperm, whatever. Some doctors will say they have a "guarantee". The guarantee is to get sperm flowing at all. Period. This is also generally information from a urologist. His job is not to get you pregnant, it's to reverse a vasectomy. Also, some urologists will not tell you how crappy your chances can be depending on how long he's had it. In my case, his has been for 14 years. We decided to consult a recommended fertility doctor as well because if the reversal didn't work we'd have to go to IVF next. So, you are talking about $7K+ to maybe work, and then if not another $15K+ for one round of IVF.

We got our options from the fertility doctor. He agreed that if he just did a reversal our chances were slim. He asked us, "what is your end goal, to shoot sperm or to get pregnant?" Well, obviously to get pregnant. So, as unthrilled as I was about doing IVF based on our chances and the cost that is what we chose to do. Let me explain for anyone who has not done IVF. The BASE cost for IVF is about $9K. That does not include the drugs, does not include things like testing, freezing, removing DH's sperm, doesn't include how the eggs are fertilized. It only includes taking your eggs and putting the embryos back in. We sat down with all of our information and price sheets and came up with closer to $18K. The drugs are not cheap, but some offices have a connection with the UK where you can get them for 1/2 the price. Either way, there is not just one set of drugs but multiple types. For me, being 32 at the time and in great health, I was tested for everything under the sun (some insurance covered, but not all of it so that was about $500 more out of my pocket) and it was determined that I had good reproductive health. I started with a drug called Lupron in the begining of April. The drug puts your body into menopause so that you don't ovulate. That shot is a little diabetic needle that goes into your belly. Has to stay cold and has to be done around the same time every day. So makes travel/life a bitch. This drug also makes you crazy and gives you hot flashes. While on the lupron they give you a date as to when they will have you ovulate. About 14 days before that you start these growth hormone drugs (2 different ones) that go into your butt/hip area. They HURT LIKE HELL and leave lumps and sometimes massive soreness where you can't walk. You can't sleep on your sides. These drugs amp up the number of eggs you hope to produce giving you higher chances of fertilzing them. These are very hard to give to yourself so basically you and DH have to be sandwiched at the hip and he has to be able to be ok with giving shots. Luckily mine was. Not all are. Eventually I did have to give myself quite a few of them because of scheduling. It's possible, but it isn't easy.

You have to spend a lot of time at the Dr's office. Having tests and ultrasounds. The ultrasounds are internal and are to see how many follicles you have which helps indicate # of eggs. If there seems to be a good number they will schedule you for an egg retrival, if not, the whole thing gets cancelled and you have to start again.

If you move to the retrival stage they give you another huge ass shot called a trigger shot that makes you ovulate at a specific time and they schedule to take them right before that time happens. If you ovulate too soon...all is lost. The scheduling rules your life and is very stressful because your body doesn't always want to do what it's supposed to at the exact times.

For us, I started all of the shots around April 8th and had my egg retrieval on May 24th. It's a hell of a lot of shots, sometimes 3 a day. Oh, but you aren't done yet. They got 12 eggs, 9 fertilized, and we had testing done (downs, etc) and only 4 were viable at the end of the day. So, on the 29th of May they implanted 2 and we froze 2. Freezing is about $2,000. $1,500 + $500 annual fee. Oh, and to mention that once you have them implanted and are pregnant you have to take Progesterone shots for 3 months! HUGE SHOTS of Olive Oil right into your butt/hip area. They leave lumps and hurt like hell. Those are expensive too, and they don't like to scare you about those until necessary, but I had no idea that after I was pregnant I would still have more shots! You have to wait 9 days to find out if anything took, but home pregnancy tests started showing positive around day 5! We got our Dr. confirmation with a blood test on June 7th. I was pregnant. Not sure if it was one or 2 but based on the hormone numbers they said it looked like one very healthy pregnancy, but could be 2. We had to wait until June 24th to have our first ultrasound to find out if it was one or 2. I was having all of the normal pregnancy symptoms: tired, sore boobs, acne. We drove to the doctor to see our baby's heartbeat and the whole time freaking out "what if it's 2". When we got there I was considered to be 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. (with IVF you are about 2 weeks along at the time of implant). They got me ready and they did the ultrasound. They found the sac, there was only one...yay, no twins. However...What happens next is the sadest thing that I could have imagined. They could not find the baby in the sac. No baby, no heartbeat. We were in shock. The Dr. explains that I'm pregnant, but that it could have implanted and then stopped growing at some point. He said it could be what is called a Blighted Ovum. Basically just a big old empty sac but no fetus. I immediately start balling, and he tells us we need to wait a week, have another ultrasound to be sure. That was the hardest week. Time went so slow and I had no idea what to think. I never had any cramps, no bleeding, nothing at all out of the ordinary. Everything was going perfect...so we thought. When we went back a week later there was no change, and the doctor scheduled me for a D&C the following week (last Friday).

Now, I'm sorry to tell this depressing story, and I know that this can happen (and does) to lots of people even trying to normally conceive. Miscarriages and Blighted Ovums happen all of the time. However, this is where the stepfamily part really comes in...

We had not told the kids yet that I was pregnant. We needed to be closer to the 12 week mark. My biggest fear was telling them, miscarrying, and them and BM jumping in joy over our loss. However, the fact we didn't tell them presents it's own issues now. I've had to have all these appts and tests and I've been in bed and sad. I have to try to fake being happy when they are around. Being 14 and 15 they are very perceptive and know when something is going on. The worst part of it all. I'm angy. I'm so angry that a piece of shit BM was able to just easily pop out 2 kids and then go on to treat them like shit. I'm jealous that my husband has 2 kids with someone else (which I wasn't jealous before...it was just part of life). Just seeing the kids makes me sick right now. I know it's not their fault, but I have all this anger/sadness/resentment about them even just being here. My husband doesn't understand why I don't want to hang out with them. It's hard for me to express that to him though. I mean, he is going through the loss too, but at the end of the day he still has kids and is a dad and I am not going to be a mom. He hasn't put his body through shots like a lab rat for 3 months just to try to have a kid. He hasn't had to lay there while they remove what you thought was going to be your first child. He's not left with 10 extra pounds of weight from the drugs and the fact you've had to lay off of exercise/certain foods/drinks/etc and put your entire life on hold for the past 3 months. In my logical brain I know that it's not his fault that he had a vasectomy and that he had kids with a crappy person before ever meeting me. It's not his kids fault that their mere presence makes me ill right now. But we've just spent close to $20K, and each frozen transfer is going to be another $5K including drugs. So, how much is this all going to cost? Will it ever work? What if it doesn't? Will it ruin my marriage? I'm so scared to try again, but I'm scared not to. I'm worried that now I want my own kids so bad that if I don't have them I will resent him forever for all of this.

I'm sharing this story so anyone considering having kids with a man who has a vasectomy gets all of their information sooner than later so that you know what you could be looking at if you plan to have kids together. We are lucky enough to be able to afford the first round with paying for most of it and taking out a medical loan for the rest. Insurance in some states will cover some IVF treatments, but I think only 3 or 4 states. Most do not. They will cover some testing but not the actual IVF. Things I didn't even know or consider before all of this. I also had no idea how much IVF really was going to be. Everyone always talks about $10K. $10K is the bare minimum. Right now we are sitting at about $21K with everything including my D&C. Many people cannot afford IVF much less more than one try, and end up their only options of adopting, sperm donor, etc. Those are not options for us at this time.

I'm hoping that something works with the ones we have frozen because right now I'm feeling hopeless and empty. We are going on a week vacation with the kids soon, and I am hoping I can hold it together. My stepmom friends totally seem to understand why the kids are so upsetting to me right now, but my family and bio-mom type friends don't understand and think I'm being rude about them. I'm trying so hard to act "normal" around them, but I'm having a very rough time.

If anyone else has stories they would be willing to share to help me or any other ladies here, I would greatly appreciate it.

The Golden Uterus...had to share this article

2011-05-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen this already, I just HAD to share. It's so very true in my life looking at BM, but also many people might relate this to their own mother...

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/

Telling the stepkids we are going to try to have a baby

2011-04-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

Oh lordy...I have been stalling on writing this blog because it wasn't exactly the happiest moment of my life...

So, a few weeks ago the kids started noticing that I haven't been drinking alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do like to have a drink with meals or here and there sitting on the back patio on a nice day. We were out to dinner and SD13 was giving me this crazy look when dad ordered a beer and I ordered water. This is not the first time she has noticed or commented, and the kids have seen my prenatals and I've said in the past "we're going to try to have a baby someday so better for me to start now". This look though was like I was deciving her. I think she might have thought I was already pregnant. So, I just flat out said, "yes SD13, your dad and I are going to try to have a baby, we are currently trying for that to happen". Well, all hell kinda broke loose (I'm so glad we were in a loud restaurant). SS15 immediately says, "NO NO NO...this is TOO soon! You said like 2 years after you got married!!! Dad hasn't even had a reversal!!!" My hubby quickly told them about 2 years to have the baby, and maybe he did have a reversal but it's none of their business (we don't feel it's necessary to tell them we are doing IVF)...not 2 years to get pregnant. SS15 still freaking out starts going on and on about how horrible this will be and then says, "SIT, the day I find out you are pregnant is goign to be the worst day of my life", SD says "yeah, mine too!" I really wanted to slap them, cry, run out, but didn't. I just held it together and said, "well, I guess you should be prepared to have your life ruined."

We started talking to them about how just because we have a baby it doesn't mean they would be ignored or forgotten. They quickly reminded me how they have stated many times that they do not want their dad having more kids, to which I quickly said "I'm sorry, but that is not your decision...it is your dad's and mine." They said it should be their decision because they are the kids and have to share dad. Then, in the middle of all of this, a baby starts crying behind SD. She's like, SEE! SEE! This is what I have to look forward to...just great!" Then SS starts talking about how they will never sleep and fail classes and blah blah blah. (Shit that I know BM planted in their brains when we first started loosly talking about this a few years ago). I told them that I will get them really good ear plugs.

We eventually finished and went home. The rest of the night was pretty much business as usual. Since then DH has had a 1-on-1 talk with SD about relaxing about the whole thing and that he will not tollerate a lot of negatity about a positive thing. That we are excited to have a baby together and that this is my first time and that she needs to either shut her mouth if she has nothing nice to say or tell him later. That we are not going to be made to feel bad because we want to add to the family. He plans on having a similar talk with SS when he gets a chance. I have to really love my hubby...he totally backs me up on how to deal with their bullshit. This is more about them being selfish teenagers and all about how it will affect them vs. how this is something positive to add to the family. Frankly, they are old enough with their own lives starting that they will hardly be around for most of what happens. It's just plain straight up jealousy that dad will have a kid with him 24/7 and them only 50% of the time. He is really good about being attentive to them now...yes, some of that will change, but not the way they think like he'll forget who they are. As my husband says...."the proof is in the pudding"....

Starting the IVF process!

2011-04-11T16:22:00.001-07:00

So, last Friday we started the IVF process.

Now, I don't want to turn this into an IVF blog, however, I know that many stepmoms deal with what to do when hubby has had a vasectomy and you decide to have children together so I want to share with you what we are/will be going through. Because my husband has had his vasectomy for almost 14 years, it was not really an option for us to go with a reversal. A reversal most likely wouldn't be successful and if it did we'd have to pay out of pocket for that (about $10K) and then if that didn't work we'd have to move onto IVF which is another $20K on top of that. So, we made the decision to go straight to IVF. Is it what I really wanted to do? No, but the end result is the same...a baby (or twins).

***WARNING***This is about to get more in depth and graphic so if you are not interested in the process...don't read. Because I am under 35 and assumed to be in good health for having babies, I am on a fairly simple protocol. I had to wait for my period to come (which of course was a week late since I was waiting for it). On day 2 I went into the office for a few blood tests and an ultrasound to see how my ovaries are doing during my cycle and to check how many follicles I'm producing on an average basis. Follicle # is what can give them a general idea of how many eggs they might be able to retrieve. I was at approximately 24. Which they said was VERY good. Phew! They did find a fibroid which they said is common, but during one of my many tests they will see where it is located and if it's location is going to be an issue at all. It shouldn't be though.

Then I started my Lupron. Lupron is a shot (like a small diabetic needle) that I give myself in my belly every morning for about 3 weeks. This drug is used to suppress my cycle and basically put me into menopause before they have me amp up. The shot isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Pretty painless actually (and I'm squeamish about shots, needles, blood). My husband has given me one and I have given myself a couple. No problems. I haven't experienced anything too bad for side effects yet. Just some bloating and a few headaches. I've still been able to go hiking and be active, but do feel a little more tired now on day 4. The good old hot flashes are supposed to start coming around weeks 2-3. My husband is just waiting for me to go nutso :)

This week I have a litany of tests to do. Blood tests and internal tests mostly to make sure I have a "happy" uterus. Then after about 3-4 weeks I will start taking growth hormones (more shots) to increase the # of eggs they will be able to retrieve. Then they will retrieve sperm from my husband one night and my eggs the next moring and hopefully 5 days later they will implant 2 healthy looking embryos. Yes...2...chance for twins :)
I would say to anyone who has looked at the option of IVF to not just think it's about $8-$10K. You have to factor in several other things (like additional procedures and all of the medication, in addition to some tests that insurance doesn't cover). This is all like if you live in a state like I do that insurance doesn't cover IVF. When it's all said and done we are looking at almost $20K. We are having to do a medical loan, which basically has credit card like interest and you pay for 4 years. Make sure you get something that doesn't have a pre-payment penalty if you go this route so that you can pay down the balance faster if you can. The interest is insane! Right now we are very optimistic that this will work and if so...I could be preggo by summer! Here's to hoping :)

How to deal with a stepmom

2011-04-11T11:52:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine forwarded this...it's funny, but unfortunately so true... The Stepkids Handbook on How to Deal with a Stepmom:

If a Stepmother gives her stepchildren gifts, she's trying to buy your affections.

If a Stepmother doesn't give her stepchildren gifts, she's cold and withholding (and cheap. Makes you wonder why she married your Dad...)

If a Stepmother tries to engage a stepchild in conversation, she's pushy and probing.

If a Stepmother backs off and does her own thing, she's cold and unwelcoming.

If the Stepmother's house is untidy, feel sorry for Dad for having to live in such a mess.

If the Stepmother's house is clean, feel sorry for Dad for having to put up with such an uptight shrew.

If Dad wants to see you regularly, it's just the Stepmother trying to play "happy families" and replace your Mother.

If Dad doesn't want to see you regularly, then the stepmother is trying to push you out of his life.

Stepmothers should have their own kids and stop trying to steal the first wife's children away from her by being so nice.

Stepmothers shouldn't have their own kids because the first kids will feel abandoned and won't get all Dad's money, time and attention.

If you ask Dad for money and he gives it to you, it's the stepmothers fault you had to ask in the first place. Dad should have just known, and he would have given you more than you asked for if it wasn't for her.

If you ask Dad for money and he says "no", it's because the stepmother is controlling the finances behind the scenes.

If the stepmother organizes a holiday, it's never where you want to go, or what you want to do (even if you said it was before, you are entitled to change your mind).

If the stepmother doesn't take you on holiday, she's just plain selfish and cheap.. and Dad would have taken you anywhere you wanted, if not for her.

If the stepmother asks you to dress nicely for Dad's birthday dinner, she's being controlling (so dress as badly as you like to prove to her she isn't the boss).

If the stepmother doesn't take you out for Dad's birthday dinner (and pay for it all.. somewhere expensive, with no thanks), she's trying to exclude you from Dad's life.

If the stepmother let's you disrespect her, she's trying too hard (so you can be rude because she deserves what she gets).

If the stepmother insists on basic respect and civility, she's a bitch.

If your Dad can't pay his bills, then the stepmother isn't budgeting his money properly (Dad was doing fine before she came along, even if he was sleeping on the street).

If your Dad sets any budget or limit on something you want, it's really the stepmother controlling him, because he'd just give you absolutely everything otherwise. If the dishes aren't done, it's the stepmothers fault.

If it's Dad's job to do the dishes and they aren't done, then the Dad is obviously a slave in his own home and that's the stepmothers fault. (This also goes for hedge trimming, car maintenance.. any domestic duty, really).

It's unfair for your Dad to have to do any chores at all. She should have to do everything, that's what she signed up for when she married a man with kids.)

If the stepmother treats you like an honoured guest, you don't feel like family and she shouldn't have married your Dad if she couldn't accept his family.

The stepmother has no right to treat you like family because she simply isn't your family and never will be. Family are expected to do stupid things like clean up after themselves, and obviously you shouldn't have to do that.

Any positive interaction between a stepmother and her own children is sickening and fake, if she isn't spoiling her children entirely.

Any negative interaction between a stepmother and her own children just goes to show what a bad mother she is.

Stepmothers are never sick. They just pretend to be so they get your Dad's time and attention away from you.

Stepmothers who hardly ever get sick are still hypochondriacs. Any illness your stepmother does contract is somehow her own fault, which entitles her to derision, never sympathy (and god forbid she get any help, especially from your Father).

If your stepmother lends you something of hers, she has no right to expect it back in one piece, in a reasonable time frame, or at all, really.

If you stepmother won't lend you something of hers, she's a selfish miserable bitch with trust issues.

If you take something of your stepmother's it isn't stealing. When she dies, it will all go to Dad, and when he dies, it will all go to you. As she's "dead to you" already, you might as well have her stuff now.

If you do steal something from your stepmother, then she has no right to complain, as your Dad should have spent that money on you, and she had too many of whatever it was anyway. Even if she only had one, from before she was married.

If your stepmother cooks, it's guaranteed that the food with be terrible. The better it is, the more you need to find something wrong with it.If your stepmother doesn't cook, she's a lazy bitch.

Anything that your Dad cooks is automatically fantastic, poor man.Just remember, everything she does is wrong, because it's all her fault. As long as you give her that much power, you'll have someone else to blame for every bad thing in your life.

IVF

2011-02-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

To give a little bit of back story, my hubby had a vasectomy after his youngest SD13 was born. He didn't want to have any more children with BM and never thought he would have more kids so in his 20's he had it done.

We decided before we even got married that we would have kids together. We knew that we would have to do a reversal or look into our other options. Unfortunately, due to him having this for almost 14 years now it doesn't look very positive for a successful reversal.

So, this week we went to see a fertility specialist. He came as a recommendation from 2 people...one with a baby on the way, and one who gave birth 2 months ago. We had our consultation to discuss our options and he said the same thing...IVF is really our best bet. Because insurance doesn't cover a reversal or IVF it's all out of pocket. It is NOT cheap, and if we did the reversal and then it wasn't successful we'd have to do IVF on top of that making it even more of a financial blow.

The doctor went through all of the scientific logistics and answered all of our questions. My biggest being the chance of multiples. He said they would only implant 2 healthy embryos. So, worst case would be twins. Not a freakin' Octo-mom. THANK GOD! There are a lot of medical advancements. One being that we could do chromosome testing on the embryos and that would clear up any issues of Downs Syndrome, etc. They would also be able to tell us the sex. So, essentially we could decide what the sex of our child would be or if healthy...implant a boy and girl and see what happens. It was all really overwhelming but super exciting at the same time!

Now we need to decide when we want to do this. We can pick the time of year I would deliver. So, working back from that is when we are looking to start. If the 1st attempt was successful it could be done in about a 45 day window. I travel for my job and my hubby would need to give me some shots and the Dr. said he would like to see me off of the road for 3 weeks to be safe. Leading up to retrieving my eggs, fertilization, and implant...and giving me another week to "take it easy" as he said. He says it's pretty much a superstitious thing to "take it easy" and is funny because most people have sex, and then go on with their lives not even knowing they are getting pregnant. It's funny when you look at it that way, but I can see where once you are spending a shitload of money that you end up super paranoid of everything and I don't want to end up blaming myself if something goes wrong.

He gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and now hubby and I have major baby fever!

The skids won't know exactly what we are doing, but they saw my vitamins and asked about them. I just said they are vitamins a woman takes when she's planning on trying to get pregnant in the future. They aren't super happy about the idea of a baby around, but oh well. They'll get over it :)

WE WON!!!!!! WE WON!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! WE WON!!!!!!! KARMA IS A BITCH!!!!!!

2011-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

WE WON!!!!!!!

We have full exact 50/50, DH's child support was reduced to $457 instead of $1100 he was paying AND it is retroactive to August 2010. Which means she has to pay back about $4200!!!!!!!

It took a long time, but it was worth the wait and now we can move on with our lives. I'm so fucking excited now I could scream! Ok...actually I did scream WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO out loud when he called me :)

Karma is a bitch! And Karma just gave a big old ass whoopin' to the CF (cunt fungus).

I'm just so excited over this entire thing! I'm out of town for work and don't go home until late tomorrow night but glad DH was able to call me the second he got to his car :)

So, I know everyone loves the more details the better so here it goes!

If you aren't aware of the story you can read these links for blog posts to catch up.

#1.) going from EOW, moving and doing 50/50 - Sept 2009
http://the3for1deal.blogspot.com/2009/09/things-we-do-for-love.html

#2.) court set back - July 2010
http://the3for1deal.blogspot.com/2010/07/another-court-road-block-f...

#3.) hearing - Oct 2010
http://the3for1deal.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-least-favorite-c-words-...

**NOTE THAT I AM TRYING TO BEST REPEAT WHAT DH TOLD ME...I WAS NOT THERE, BUT WISH I WAS** :)

The short story is that we moved over an hour away from the house I own and where I work to be closer to the kids. Increased our expenses, drive time, and had to rent out my house and we had to rent where we live now. This was all for the kids because they made it clear they were unhappy with the current EOW arrangement and having dad so far away. Initially BM was thrilled. Thrilled until she realized her CS would get reduced if we increased our time with them. Initially DH didn't discuss the money part. He wanted to get to a schedule that the kids were happy with and that worked for everyone. BM "agreed" to this, but quickly had started making all the rules and trying to get DH to kiss her ass. He did for awhile but then the kids asked for it to be made into a solid plan in Feb 2010. DH, BM, and skids had all sat down at a local restaurant to listed to what the kids wanted. They said in a perfect world they would want Monday and Tuesdays with mom and Wednesdays and Thursdays with dad and EOW. This is what they all started doing. However, BM flat out REFUSED to make it legal. Stating that she "had her reasons" why not to. Um yeah...money. Greedy bitch. She was already getting overpaid since DH was making less and she was making more than what it was based on several years prior, but whatever.

She did EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING to drag this out. File late. Forget paperwork. Tell the judge the kids didn't want this. Everything to keep delaying every 3 months. The last court date the judge laid it out for her and told her exactly what he was going to do and that he did not want to see her back in court. Well, dummy dumbass decided she would rather take her chances. After Oct's court date DH tried to talk to her about it. She refused. Then a month ago her dirt bag boyfriend finally left her (and stole some of her shit on the way out) and really fucked her over. She got desperate and texted DH that she would agree to the current schedule if he wouldn't reduce child support. Thank you BM for showing all of your cards that it IS and ALWAYS has been about one thing...money. And thank you for doing it in texts and emails. At the time DH offered her $100 more than what the court calculator would have given her...$387...so $487. She responded that she would rather take her chances with the judge.

BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! (Think Pretty Woman...lol) A little over a week ago she filed her documents for court and handed them to DH (because she couldn't afford the postage...oh god.) We knew where this was all going. In her paperwork she not only said, "I agree to the visitation schedule (after previously saying she wasn't because she was fighting for the kids), but don't want child support to change. This would be in the best interest of the kids so I can keep a stable life for them." Does this not say..."it's all about the money" to you?

So, today DH started off with the back story again (same judge) and then that he tried to work it out with her and offer her more money but she would take her chances with the judge. The judge asked if that was what happened and she said yes.

He let her say her peace about why she thinking child support should stay the same and why she didn't want to change a few things in visitation. Prior to today we had the kids coming to our house on Wednesdays after school and then they would go to her house on Friday's after school. If it was our weekend we had to wait until 6pm to get them and then they would go home at 8pm on Sunday. Well...well...today the judge changed it to 6pm on Wednesdays and 6pm on Monday nights. Then when we don't have them...6pm on Wednesday to 6pm on Friday. SHE WAS PISSED! She likes them at her house on Fridays for the 4 hours after school before we get them to 1.) clean the house and do chores and 2.) because she comes home at 5:30 and can see them for 30 minutes. She FREAKED out and told the judge she can't go 5 days without seeing the kids. He said, "and you think DH should have to? His time is not less important that yours. Oh and DH is working from home and sees the kids, so you are going to take 4 hours of his time so you can see them for 30 minutes. Denied." I'm assuming lots of crying and poor me crap.

Then the judge discusses the reduction in child support. She was getting $1050 and the court calculator said about $387. The judge gave her $450 a month to give her a little more. She was livid. Said she can't pay her bills, will be evicted, might have to move to another town where she wouldn't be able to give DH the 50/50. The judge told her that if she moves she still needs to do the 50/50 and get the kids to him (funny thing is they would not move with her because they would stay with us than rather change schools). The judge asked DH what he thought about this, and he said, "well, she can cut back on cable, cell phone, find a cheaper place, and get a 2nd job while I have the kids 50% of the time...plenty of single parents do this." The judge said, "seems reasonable to me". Then he told her, "I understand your predicament, but this is not DH's problem. He is not responsible to pay for your decisions."

Then the best part. The cherry on top. The freakin' billion calorie whipped cream...

The judge orders it to be retroactive to August of 2010. She thinks 2011...but the judge quickly tells her, "no...August 2010. You will need to set up a payment plan to pay back DH. Moving forward this will reduce on his next paycheck." She immediately loses it and starts freaking out about how is she going to do that, that doesn't give her any time to make any changes and that she will end up on the streets. BLAH BLAH BLAH. DH said he was SHOCKED! We hoped the judge would make her pay him back, but he NEVER EVER even asked for it or mentioned it. YAY JUDGE! He obviously saw though her shit to drag it out and was not having it.

Seriously ladies...this is major. She got totally fucked...up the ass...with no lube. DH and the judge warned her, but she was too greedy, self involved, and felt entitled. This just PROVES that Karma is a bitch (or a stepchick...because honestly without all of you ladies I'm not sure DH would have taken this risk) and that she should have done what was right by the kids and not by her.

As they left the court she told DH he was a "fucking bastard". Uh huh...have a nice day bitch.

Then he texted her saying "I want to discuss some minor modifications to visitation. Let me know when you calm down." She basically said "you got everything you wanted...aren't you happy now?" He said he wanted to discuss the kids coming on Wednesday after school instead of 6pm and going to her house Mondays after school instead of 6pm. She said, "well, then I want Sunday nights back." He told her she has no room to demand anything and that she would be best to work with him or he'll do nothing for her. He reminded her that he has all the control now and that she better not be a bitch to him or he'll just leave it as is. So, we agreed to tell her that he will let her know on Saturdays if we have nothing going on (ie: I want a night alone with my hubby) then she can have them at 8pm, but if we have plans or don't want to...then no. So, really...whatever WE want.

He is so excited to finally have the power. She has held it over him for so freaking long and he's finally feeling like he can breathe without working about her.

I'm out of town, but the kids got there after school and SS15 immediately asked, "how was your day?" He's like, "good...why?" SS is like, "really good or what? you had court with mom today right?" DH says, "yeah, I'm really good. I got 50/50 like we discussed." SS then asked, "does this mean mom's cs is going to go down? because she can't afford that." DH told SS that the judge uses a calculator depending on what she makes and he makes and number of days. Yes, it's going down, but that's how it works. That mom is going to have to make some lifestyle changes and change how she spends money. That she might need to get another job while they are with him. SS seemed to understand and then said, "well if she gets evicted it's not like we are too...we can live here with you." Exactly. Thank god the kid had a brain in his head.

DH said that SD seems quieter than usual, but I'm sure mom was "depressed" when she talked to her and SD always feels bad. Either way, they will work through it, and the biggest thing is they know they can always live at our house if BM's life implodes on her. They both know that BM had 17 months to work this out with DH outside of court and that she fought him and wouldn't compromise on anything, and now the judge made the decisions.

I'm sure glad I'm not home right now. Just so that the dust can settle, but do wish I could pop open a bottle of champagne with my hubby. I get home late tomorrow night and fly back out for a girl's weekend Friday morning until Sunday night. I CAN'T WAIT TO CELEBRATE!!!!!!

This just goes to show that good things happen for good people. It might take a lot of time, but it can happen. GO DADS!!!!!!!!!!

The Wedding

2011-01-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

Finally, I have a chance to sit down and type out all of this. I haven't updated my blog in FOREVER!

So, we got married back in Oct. We had a FANTASTIC wedding. Kept it to about 45 people and had it on the coast of California.

It was very important for us to make sure SS15 and SD13 were very involved with the wedding.

SS15 and SD13 stood up with DH. We had them involved from the start. SD helped with cake tasting, looking through magazines with me, and loved her dress. I let her be involved with things that didn't make a huge difference to me because I wanted her to know she was part of this wedding too. SS was Best Man and he got to give a speech which he loved (he loves to be funny and the center of attention, but said a lot of nice things and had fun with it). We were engaged for a little over a year which gave them plenty of time to get used to it and accept the wedding and being part of it. This was a MAJOR help. Honestly, giving it time and involving them was probably the best thing we did to make for a happy day with them too.

I got into town the weekend before the wedding to do some last minute stuff and to relax with my family and try to calm all of my nerves. The weather was totally shitty when I got there, and I was freaking a little due to the fact that everything was outside. We were not prepared for rain, but thankfully the morning of the wedding there was not a cloud in the sky and it was crystal clear and blue.

DH and the kids arrived 2 days before the wedding. I did not want to have anything to do with getting them from BM. She had been on her worst behavior the closer it was getting to the wedding and I wasn't about to have her cause a scene that would set me off or cause me stress in anyway. Much less drive for several house with the skids in the car if they were in a mood. This was another GREAT decision on my part because I was perfectly happy and content in wedding mode with my family.

The kids knew my family and friends and immediately felt comfortable and welcome with everyone who was staying at the place with us. My dad and MOH were especially helpful in taking the kids under their wing when we needed them, and even when we didn't we would find the kids off with everyone having a great time on their own. Thank god my steppies are outgoing and easy to get along with people. Rehearsal dinner was great and so good to have the kids seeing everyone there for us. It was amazing having everyone there, and being able to have one last evening before the big day to mingle. DH gave gifts to the kids at the dinner and said such great things to them about how happy he was that they were there and standing with him the next day, and how much he loved them and respected them for being part of all of this. DH cried and so did SD. It was so sweet :) I was so thankful to my MOH who worked so hard to make everything beautiful and how she has accepted my DH and skids with open arms. Truly, I'm so lucky that most people have.

The day of the wedding I was getting my hair and make-up done and paid for SD to have hers done too. MOH, and all the moms were there too! It was interesting to have my own stepmom and mom talking to each other and SD told me later "there is no way you and mom would ever be like that when I get married". I just laughed and said, "probably not, but you never know...either way we'll get along for your sake". Let's hope that's true one day! SD was loving getting all done up and SS kept coming into the room to see everyone. It was funny for the other ladies to have a boy keep coming in there, but I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to be so part of things and see how I was doing. Eventually it was like one big party going on in my room. SD was sweet and thoughtful and told me how nice I looked and how she loved the dress. I think she might have even hugged me :)

When it came time for the ceremony I wasn't nervous at all...I was really anxious to get out there and see DH and everyone. I was so giddy with excitement! When MOH and SD were making their way out I was supposed to start getting into place with my dad, but then I saw some open seats in the front row and asked the coordinator to move a few people up. Unfortunately while doing this it made my dad and I late. I had no clue how late until after the wedding, but it was almost 2 minutes of everyone staring at an empty door. Yikes. In the video you see SS saying to DH, "dad, I don't think she's coming". Like he's comforting his dad. It was sweet and sad, but then I come out and everyone laughs and is happy. DH thought I was barfing my guts out somewhere, but turns out I was just being bossy.

I was so happy that day, and it was everything I imagined it to be. Everyone was happy and had fun. The vows were beautiful (we wrote our own) and the Reverend even included this kids in part of the ceremony which was unplanned by us, but I had asked him to read a quote by Richard Bach that says, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." It was perfect for us and he made it very sweet and sentimental.

After the ceremony we took tons of pictures and they all turned out so great and even the kids were all smiles.

We had a blast at the reception and although I had a few friends who were busy hugging the heat lamps, most everyone got out and danced with us all night.

Despite all of the stress and worry about what would or wouldn't happen...it all went better than I could have imagined and I'm so happy I married my DH and became a wife and stepmom all in one day.

My husband is the most amazing partner I could have in this life. He listens to me, loves me, respects me, and always has my back. He knows when to push me and when to let things go. He is kind, caring, and thoughtful of others, and supportive of everything I want to do. He's such a great dad to his kids by loving them and teaching them life lessons and making them responsible young adults. He has encouraged and helped foster the great relationship I have with SS and SD. I have no doubt that I will live a happy life with him and add to this family with children together. I am so happy to have him as my husband!

My least favorite C words: Court - Custody - Cunt

2010-10-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oh, sorry, you don't like the c word? Yeah, neither do we, but today it went in DH's favor!

I know you are all patiently waiting for my blog about our wedding (it's coming I promise...there is just so much to tell...all good though), but I have to blog about today's court with DH and BM.

So, the day is here again in a long one year quest to change visitation from EOW to 50/50. We've physically been doing 50/50 for a year but BM has refused to sign off on it with the courts. Reason...she doesn't want her child support reduced.

Today the judge was supposed to make the decision based on the fact it's been 50/50, and that it's what the kids want. (They are 13 and almost 15). DH took the kids to court (BM seemed to be unaware of this even though he told her and the kids that he would be...I think she thought he was full of shit). He took them out of school, and the only reason that he is took the kids is that she consistently says that she is not signing because the kids don't want to make it legal. They told us the reason they don't want to make it legal is because mom told them that if it's legal then on the days that they are with dad they can only be at dad's. No friends, football games, or with mom or the cops will pick them up to take them to dad's. Um...it's not legal now and you've never seen the cops have you? This is just BM's last stitch effort to continue getting overpaid in child support. So, DH had the kids there just in case the judge wanted to talk to them for any reason.
Well, here's what actually happened:

It's not over yet. They have to go back in January. Another freaking 3 months. BUT it's all in DH's favor, and hopefully they won't have to go back.

Here's the deal. She got there before DH and the skids. So, she was already in the room and didn't even know the kids were there. DH had them sit outside the room just in case the judge wanted to talk to them. DH never even got a chance to mention they were there because the judge immediately starting chewing out BM. He asked her why this has been going on so long, and why she won't sign off on it. DH said the judge said, "let me ask you BM...if your 15 year old son said "mom, I'm going to have my GF over so could you just be gone for a few hours so we can have sex" what would you say?" she's like, "no" and then he asked DH "what would you say?" he's like, "no" and then the judge said, "so why would you let them decide this? This is not something the kids should be deciding. This is what PARENTS decide. Teenagers are going to change their minds 100 times in a day...I'm pretty sure that if I asked your 15 year old if he would live with me if I gave him a porsche he would consider it. He doesn't even know me. As a parent you are supposed to be doing what's best for the kids which it looks like you are with the schedule you have. It sounds like the only reason you won't sign is based on something other than the kids. Money? You aren't over your ex husband? You don't like that he has moved on? I'm not sure what it is, but it's not about the kids and I don't like it."

YAY JUDGE!

Then he went on to say that father's have equal rights as mothers and that for every child it is best to have 50/50 unless there is a crazy reason like drugs/alcohol/abuse/etc and there isn't here. Then he flat out asked her "do YOU have an issue with them being with their dad?" She said "no". Then he said, "since this is a hearing and not a trial I can't make a final decision" (no kidding the courts fucking take forever). He said, "I will schedule for the end of January. However, you should take care of this yourself. I will rule on the 5/2/5 (50/50) schedule that you already have and CS calculation will be exactly what the court calculator says. The only time I would give more money is if either parent was in poverty and you aren't BM. So, my advice to you is work out the paperwork and file it. I don't want to have to see you here in January. Do you understand BM?

That was it. They left the courtroom and she snubbed DH and then saw the kids. She was like deer in headlights. Even though DH had been telling her they would be at the next court date I think she thought he was full of shit. When she saw them she started bawling. The kids asked for a minute with her. Then came out 5 minutes later with her. She then said to DH "why are they here" and he told her "I told you they would be and I'm tired of playing your games, I wanted them to speak for themselves if they had to." She's like, "they shouldn't be here." He's like, "none of us should have to be here, we are all here because of you." This was all in front of the kids. Then she says "so...are you growing a beard" (because DH is doing the scruff thing right now). He's like "yeah". She's like, "oh, well, kids call me tonight" and then left.

DH said the kids were fine. Even when they got in the car they were like, "we don't know why mom is crying...and why does she care about your beard? so weird." They had lunch, he took them back to school, and we'll now see them later today until Sunday. She is so stupid. He's going to give her a few days and then text her to see when she wants to sit down to take care of paperwork. He thinks she'll just drag it to January to keep the money flowing. I told him that if she does that he should ask for a refund backdated to November 1st since she was only holding out for a few more months of CS. We'll see what happens.

Eventually this will be the end right??? God damn the courts take forever! Either way, even if we have to wait until January, the judge was VERY clear it will be in our favor. YAHOO!!!!!!

Things have been so busy lately!

2010-09-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA on my personal blog. I've been contributing a lot to a forum that I belong to, and every time I plan to update this blog I get distracted with something else.

We are a few weeks out from the wedding, and things are going pretty smooth. I am out of town for work for a week right now which has proven to be good and bad. Bad because I have wedding stuff I should be doing at home. Good because it's given me time to think about things other than the wedding, court, the BM, and skids. A much needed mental break!

I have had the good fortune of being able to do a few long runs outside the past few days and they have invigorated me. I was feeling really tired and bogged down by all of the constant "stuff" going on, and it was nice to grab my iPod, lace up my shoes, and head out into the fresh air. No cell phone, no people, no drama! I'll be so happy when the weather cools where I live so that I can get some similar fresh air at home!

With a free evening I took myself out to dinner and a movie. I saw Eat Pray Love. I enjoyed it. It was the perfect movie to see alone and to give me a new outlook on some things in my life. I'll be so happy when the wedding is over because I'm looking forward to having some of my time/life back to do the things I really enjoy instead of deciding if our cocktail napkins need to be personalized or not and other stupid shit I could really care less about.

I've got 2 weeks left of work and then 3 weeks off. I'm LIVING for that vacation right now. FH has been more frustrated than ever with work, and frankly, I'm so ready to not talk about negative shit (work, BM, skids, family, friends) for at least 2 whole weeks!

Things with the skids are going great. FH and BM will be going back to court after our honeymoon to hopefully finalize the year long change in custody. Good news is that the kids might be talking to the judge so that BM can no longer manipulate them. We'll see what happens. The skids are excited about the wedding and standing up with FH and I can't wait to see it all pan out and have them part of it. I'm leaving a few days before them to avoid any possible mama drama, and can't wait!

Wish me luck ladies :)

Another court road block for FH...major vent

2010-07-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

WARNING... I LOVE THE F WORD, SO IF YOU DON'T...DON'T READ

So...with great sadness I am reporting that court did not go well this morning. After 8 months of dealing with filings and waiting for court dates, my FH still has to file AGAIN because the court made a "clerical error" and didn't send him a specific form he needed.

A little background...FH is currently paying close to $2K a month to BM. $1100 is CS and the rest is spousal support. The spousal support was to get her "back on her feet" after 12 years of marriage and her refusing to work once the kids were in fulltime school. Anyway... so, she is now making more money and has had a live in boyfriend for over a year and he decided it was time to request a change. Removal, reduction...whatever. His pay has continued to go down, and her's continues to go up. Well, the judge decided that the alimony will stay untouched because the boyfriend could bail at anytime, and that he's only paying a minimum amount to BM (supposedly) to live there. We all know she lied on her financial statements. Beyond that, she took a pay cut for work right after FH filed this and now the judge is like "well BM is making less than she was". Um, WTF, by her choice in order to avoid having alimony removed. Again...WTF! She's bought a new car, by her choice, but she can "barely" afford it. Give me a fucking break.

In regards to the custody and child support, he used to have EOW and Wednesdays, but after 2 years of doing that the kids kept begging for him to be closer and spend more time with him (BM was mostly leaving the kids alone or with this new BF that is a dirt bag to say the least). So, we put my house up for rent, moved 50 miles to their town and rent a house there. I still drive the 90 miles roundtrip to work though...but no one is compensating me for that are they? No.. anyway, we established a 50/50 schedule back in December that was chosen by the kids. However, BM rufuses to sign off on it legally becuase she doesn't want her child support reduced to about $300 from $1100. Pretty clear it's all about money. Well, today that was supposed to be adjusted and signed off by the judge, BUT the judge forgot to have the clerk include a piece of paper for a petition to change the custody. Although, 3 months ago when this got post-poned another 90 days because BM's paper work wasn't filed AT ALL with the courts prior to the date, the judge requested to do the alimony and custody stuff all at once. Today the fine judge says, "oh, it was a clerical error...so, Mr. You Pay WAY too Much Out Your ASS, you will have to fill out such and such paperwork and refile for a new date. We should be able to see you in 60-90 days." UGH. So, he is still over paying child support. By the time something will be decided we're talking about almost $9,600 OVER what he should be paying. Do you think he'll get reimbursed? Hell no...because the guys are always getting screwed. He pointed out that he splits stuff with me and that he was honest with his financial statement, but the judge said he basically could have claimed that he pays the full amount. So...he can LIE? And a "fiance" can't just walk out anytime apparently, but a boyfriend can? Are you fucking kidding me.

So, basically the court crap still goes on, and BM walks out all smug. Seriously, when is this $$$ bleeding from FH going to end? How many more people can she move into her house to help her pay her bills (she at one time had her sister living there too), and keep living off of FH's money while he can't afford to pay most of his own bills, our wedding, vasectomy reversal, the list goes on and on and on.

There is so much more to what the judge said and what he didn't say, but basically, if he gets a petition he "might" sign it to approve even though BM said in court today "I am fine with 50/50, I just don't want it recognized by the court in case I feel like changing my mind." Um, you have joint custody you tampon string...you don't have sole custody and make all the rules. Somehow even in 2010...judges still buy the bullshit from the BM's. I could puke...

Travel with my SD...awesome!

2010-07-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been so MIA lately. I have been up to my eyeballs in wedding stuff, travel, work...you name it...I'm doing it!

I had the pleasure of having my Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party in the town I grew up in. My mom, stepmom, mother-in-law to be, and friends all live there. I travel there a lot for work, so I was able to extend a work trip into a personal trip for the weekend too.

My SD13 has wanted to go see FH's parents there, but BM won't let them travel without an adult (a totally different story, but no time for that here). So, SD was given the option to travel with me. I booked my work trip, we discussed it with her, and made sure that she was ok with going (she's never been on a plane before and was totally freaked...I think it doesn't help that BM is afraid of flying). She said she really wanted to go, FH talked to BM, she reluctantly agreed to it, and bam...the ticket was purchased.

In the weeks leading up to the trip SD was getting increasingly nervous, but myself and FH fly a lot for work. Enough to have status and my SD and I got upgraded to first class on the way out of town. YAHOOOOOO! A 3 hour trip in first class is always super nice, and this would be a more relaxing way for SD to have her first plane ride. I made a list of stuff for her to pack and sent her an email beforehand (not just because I'm a total control freak, but her mom is a total moron about these things and I was picking her up from BM's house so she'd need to be ready to go). Let's just say that BM told SD that she didn't need to "follow SIT's list" because "she knew better" and SD was missing multiple things I spelled out that she would need. Oh well...not my problem.

We got to the airport and BM kept texting her. I finally asked her, "who do you think is more nervous about this trip...you or BM?" She's like, "mom for sure...she wants me to text her everywhere we are...I'm not nervous anymore, I'm just really excited for a new adventure." Good for you SD that you don't let your freak out mom get the best of you.

I walked her through the process of everything at the airport. Getting your boarding pass, going through security, finding your gate, checking out all the little shops, etc. I wanted her to love the process of travel, people watching, and becoming a grown young woman. She was loving it!

When we boarded the plane she was so excited to be in first class that she started to forget all about being nervous about flying. I talked her through take off, and then let her sit by the window (she thought she wouldn't want to look down so she gave it up at first). I sat there thinking to myself how cool it was that I was the one getting to experience this first time thing, and how she'll remember this for the rest of her life. Maybe from me she will get the love of travel. Lord knows she won't get it from her mom!

By the time we land at our destination, she is elated! She "loves" travel, and is so excited to be there. She is beaming, and almost forgets to call her mom. I made sure she did, and she couldn't stop telling her how "awesome" everything was. She only talked to her for about 5 minutes and then we went on to my in-laws house.

My in-laws are amazing. I have the best relationship with them, and they are so welcoming, funny, loving, and I'm always excited to see them. It's good for SD to see me get along with them...BM never really did.

The next day was my shower where my SD finally got to meet my mom, stepmom, and some friends she'd never met in the 3 years we've been together. She was a little overwhelmed for sure, but I think it was good for her to see a lot of positivity and support for the wedding. I know it was weird but she was nice to everyone and I was happy for her. I think for her to be happy about our wedding means she has to be ok with mom and dad not being together. She will never be happy about that, but she seems to really accept that. It's incredible really.

She spent the rest of her trip with grandma and grandpa while I went out for a crazy night of fun and then worked for 3 days. Then we met back up at the airport and flew home together. We didn't get upgraded (sad I know), but we did get to bond a lot and talk on the way home. I feel like we got a little closer from this trip, and it's a good feeling.

Birthday Shocker!

2010-07-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, last night we celebrated my upcoming birthday with my skids. Because we don't usually have them for my birthday (by my request to have time alone with my FH for my birthday than with everyone) we celebrate it on a different day. This is the 3rd birthday of mine that I've known the kids for, and the first one they didn't do anything. Last year, they each got me something and we had cake with some prodding from my FH to do so. This year, they went above and beyond!

I got home from work, and SS14 met me at the car and carried my laptop bag in. Wow :) Then I walked into a house filled with streamers and at the end of the hallway my SD13 was waiting in an apron and holding a glass of wine. Thank you very much wine gods, I am shocked as she hands me this :) My FH was fast at work cooking dinner, and my favorite band "Coldplay" was playing on the stereo. My SD tells me to take my shoes off and come into the living room. When I get there she has set up a new foot bath/pedicure thing and has magazines laying on the couch and a foot stool with lotion next to it. She tells me that this is her gift and that she is going to give me a pedicure and massage my feet! NO FREAKIN' WAY! The girl doesn't even like giving me hugs and now she's going to touch my feet! I AM SHOCKED! While I sit back and relax I start thinking about how far things have really come in my relationship with the kids. I actually feel my eyes well up a little bit while I think about how all of my frustration and hardwork is paying off with a loving relationship with my FH and my skids. My fiance even lips to me that this was all her idea and how shocked he is. My SS tops off my wine as it gets low, and after almost an hour of a pedicure/massage dinner is ready. We eat a great meal and then SS gives me my gift. A shakeweight (which I knew it's what he would give me because he loves giving me As Seen on TV gifts that we make fun of...last year was a Snuggie). So, they make me do the 6 minute workout video that comes with it...let me say, that thing is harder than it looks and the chick on the video is creepy as hell. I think it might actually work a little though...

We have my favorite ice cream cake, watch a little Dexter, and my FH and I head to bed. What a great birthday from the skids this year. Seriously...I am one lucky lady!

Today I got up early and bought the kids each their favorite Starbucks and taking them to lunch. Something I had planned already as a surprise for them today, but then last night made me want to do it even more!

Therapy

2010-06-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Months ago FH and I talked about going to couples therapy. Partially during an argument and then later as a good idea with all the crap we have going on in our lives. Especially with the step-family situation, his divorce, all the divorce in my family, and divorce all around us. We both are committed to making our marriage work, and although we are not yet married (only a few more months) we agreed that seeing a therapist would be a good idea. We don't argue very often but when we do we are both on very different pages, and want to figure out how we can get on the same page in a healthy manor.

We are not religious people so we can't do the church premarital counselling, but through health care plans we can get a certain number of visits and might as well take advantage of it.

Our first session was this week, and we were kind of joking beforehand about it being a little weird to go when we aren't actively in an argument or with some major angry issue looming. My biggest stipulation before picking someone was that the person we went to had to specialize in stepfamilies. There is no way I was going to go to someone who didn't have extensive experience with the different things we deal with. When we got there it was awkward at first and the room was very cozy and welcoming. There is a box of kleenex by the couch, and I'm thinking...I'm not going to need these.

WRONG. We started talking about basic stuff. Our family history, our personalities, our issues, where we are in our relationship, and then she tells us that she is in fact a stepmom herself. PHEW! This is even better. She GETS IT! I am so relieved that I will not have to feel guilty about anything negative I say about the skids. Then she asked me, "how hard is it for you?" She said it in such a sincere way that it made me tear up. I started talking about how hard it is for me to feel like an outsider at times, and uncomfortable in my own home, not having control over schedules and my life. She made me feel really comfortable and even my FH really liked her.

We talked about our arguing styles, him wanting to talk immediately, and me needing time to cool off. She gave us some suggestions on what to do next time (I feel like we need to get in a fight just to see if it works :)). Then we talked about appreciation and showing each other love, and she suggested the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. She said it's really important to know how you receive love and how your partner receives love to make sure that you are doing the right things for each other. Most people do not speak the same "love language". So, we will be picking that book up this weekend and going through it while we don't have the kids.

We left feeling really good about her, and it gave us a lot to talk about. Which we did that night, and without a blow-up over topics :) We will be seeing her every week or so for a little while. I have always recommended that people go to see a therapist when they feel like they really just need some unbiased help. Now that we are doing it, I can see where it could REALLY help other people that I know who are struggling with their marriages. I do think it's important to both like the therapist and feel good about them, and if you don't...find a new one :)

In the end she told us that she felt like we had a really healthy relationship and doing all the right things with the kids, and that we could just use a little "tweaking" on some things that she would help us with.

So glad we are going!!

I spoke too soon...

2010-05-24T12:32:00.001-07:00

So, yeah...summer break has begun. Well, mostly for SD13 now, because it turns out that SS14 failed his Algebra final which made him fail the class and he will be taking summer school for the entire month of June.

Let me just tee this up for you what bullshit it really is...

SS14 is lazy...and I mean LAZY! He always tries to just coast on by, and thinks that someone will feel sorry for him if things don't go well. Hmmm...wonder where he gets this from (*cough* cough* BM). He's been this way since I've known him, but before it was all about being too lazy to turn in homework. Not because it wasn't done...just because it was SO hard to just pull it out of a folder and hand it in. This year as a freshman we told him that school is going to be harder than K-8 and that he really needs to focus and ask for help when he needs it. He had been struggling with Algebra I, and everyone suggested that he take the tutoring available at school. Well, he didn't. Then Algebra II came around, and he struggled even more. Again, everyone suggested that he see the tutor that was available at school during his free period at least 2-3 times a week. He was turning in his homework...I will give him that, but he wasn't doing well on the tests. So, let's jump ahead to his last day of school. My FH had the pleasure of getting him that day, and the second that SS walked in he could tell something was up. SS finally spilled it that he failed the final and was going to have to take an extension class for a week. Well, he made SS call BM and tell her about it, and then FH and BM talked about what to do about everything. If there is one thing positive I can say about the BM is that she is a hard worker when it comes to school. The woman has multiple degrees, and gets amazing grades. Now only if she could do something with them...oh yeah...don't want to get off topic here :)

Let me just say there is only one thing that brings FH and BM together to agree on anything...and it is SS's lack of giving a shit about his grades or anything else. Thank you SS for getting them to talk nicely to each other after almost a year. Basically here's how it went down...because SS not only lied about saying he used the tutoring more than he did (turns out he only went 2 times right before the final), and he didn't do anything to try to help himself (like I don't know, maybe crack open a book and study once in awhile) BM suggested that this 1 week extension was a cop-out and wanted him to take summer school for Algebra I. That would be $160. Then she called the school and found out he can take Algebra I and II back to back for $320 for the entire month of June. BM and FH are going to split the cost and SS has to work off the entire bill over the summer. So, free chores all summer long! YAHOO! Not to mention that he's grounded from anything other than reading, showering, and breathing. If he complains he gets more time added to his sentence.

Even better still is the fact that BM and her BF were talking about their summer vacation being in June, and she was worried she couldn't take SD and her BF's daughter, and my FH was like, "listen, don't ruin everyone else's summer because SS fucked up. We'll take him that week if we need to and put him to work." We haven't heard back on what she's going to do, but frankly, I hope she goes. SD would really miss out if not, and it would pain SS even more knowing he missed the summer trip. Seriously, nothing else works on this kid so maybe 6 weeks of grounding with 30 hours a week of Algebra will put more of a fire under his ass. If not, nothing will.

So, I think most of the "laughter" is coming from FH and I right now because the kids were with their mom this past weekend, and we had to drop the check off for 1/2 of the summer school fees and low and behold, BM's BF had SS cleaning out the garage. You should have seen SS's face, and him knowing we are all taking so much pleasure is probably the worst part of all.

$320 for summer school
$0 paid for chores all summer
$0 for anything fun for SS for 1/2 the summer
Seeing his face and knowing that on the inside he's cussing up a storm at all of us while we enjoy his misery = Priceless

**oh, and SD13 had great grades and is already enjoying a fun summer**

Summer break starts tomorrow!

2010-05-19T16:50:00.001-07:00

Wow! I can't believe another school year has come and gone. It feels like it was just last summer when we were taking our first "family" vacation, FH and I got engaged, and before we moved closer to the kids. Our 3rd summer break together already...wow!

A lot has happened during this school year, and although there have been some ups and downs there have been a lot of great changes. Moving closer to the kids was the best decision that we ever made. It sure has been hell at times, and quite an adjustment getting used to having them 50% of the time. The normalcy is so much better. It's no longer these Disneyland Dad type weekends where we have to cram 30 days in a month down to 4. It's amazing how much better the kids are with our relationship, their grades in school have been great, and getting to know them on a regular basis and having their friends over is something you can't even quantify. Both FH and I had reservations about moving an hour away from where we were, to be in the same small town with BM, her BF, and the kids. I have had my freak outs about how much my life has changed and what I've given up, but if I really focus on what I've gained...it's a new family.

This summer we will be doing some traveling again, and spending a lot of time getting ready for the wedding. I'm sure there will be endless friends in and out of the house for pool parties and sleepover. There will be times when I will want to kill them, and times I'll be so happy my house if filled with laughter. Let's just hope for everyone's sake that it's mostly laughter! :)

Happy summer break to all the stepmamas out there who get their houses turned upside down during this time of year!

The end of a friendship

2010-05-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet from posting for several weeks because my bridesmaid for my upcoming wedding and I have parted ways.

Ok, that's saying it nicely. The facts are this...she had been married less than 2 years to a guy with a kid (so she was a fellow stepmom) when he said "I just don't feel like being married anymore" and left her. There had been rumors flying around since before she even married him that he was cheating on her. Frankly the guy has always made me sick, BUT it was my friend's husband and I didn't have to be married to him so I really never said anything. However, when all signs were pointing to him cheating on her I had to tell her. She of course was in denial and made a million excuses for this loser. The thing of it all is that we all worked together. Friend, her husband, his girlfriend, and me. Well, in my job I have to work with hundreds of people and they all wanted to keep telling me stuff and gossip it all out to me. I did my best to stay neutral and protect my friend even when it has put me in a bad spot with my job. Unfortunately it is now almost a year since he's moved out and she still thinks they might work it out. Ok, he lives with his girlfriend, and sure he hasn't filed divorce paperwork, but come the fuck on...it's over. He won't go to therapy, won't break up with the girlfriend, and really other than not filing (which I think he has alterior financial motives for why he's not filing) he's not giving her any reason to believe that he's coming back. I gave her a lot of time to join reality and see that he was no good for her and continuing to pine after him was no good for her. One night I had texted her telling her that I was sorry if I was taking my frustration with people gossiping at work about her on her, and that I hoped that one day she would be able to move past everything and have a better life. She didn't want to speak to me after that (which I'm still not exactly sure what I said that made her that upset). After 2 weeks of not speaking to me or telling me why she was upset I sent her a long email like an intervention where I pointed out what she's doing to herself and how unhealthy it is to keep at the rate she's going. How she can't continue on the way that she was, and that after this much time I can no longer sit around and listen to her act like she is a victim when she was not willing to stand up for herself, protect herself financially, or face up to the truth.

Let me be clear. We weren't just co-workers. We had been friends for nearly 6 years. We started out as co-workers, but then over the years it evolved into spending a lot of time together, going on trips together, spa days together, spending holidays at each other's houses with each other's family. That kind of friend (in my opinion) needs to hear the truth sometimes that they don't want to hear. Not just sugar coating. It's like dealing with a drug addict, but this douche bag is her drug. After quite some time you start to really lose respect for a woman like that who is willing to be a punching bag, but then whine about it. Especially since this started over 2 years ago with his lying and cheating and being an absent husband. This didn't just happen yesterday.

Eventually she refused to talk and only responded that she no longer wanted to be friends. So, on with the wedding plans without her. All the other girls coming to my wedding and family have really stepped up to fill in for anything she was involved in. It's been refreshing to see people be so willing to help out.

Some might think that I was too blunt, and others might think I did exactly what I needed to do by saying what I said after biting my tongue for so long. Either way, it doesn't really matter because the friendship is over. I don't really need negative friends like that, and I certainly can't be the fake friend who sits around acting like what she's doing is totally healthy and normal. I feel sad for her that she has chosen to live the way she is, but I'm also happy that I won't have to tiptoe around about my wedding and happy things in my life because I don't want to upset her.

Will I miss her? Of course I'll miss her. She was like family to me. She was my first stepmom friend and helped me get comfortable with dating a guy with kids. I also ran my first 1/2 marathon with her, and asked her to be in my wedding...the most important day in my life so far. Unfortunatly, a lot of things that held us together (which was mainly the stepmom thing) were no longer something we had in common and it did make it awkward to talk to her about things with my skids thinking that it might hurt her feelings because she no longer talks to her skid. Some friendships are meant to just be during a certain time in your life, and it looks like this is just one of those.

The BM going to my gym!

2010-04-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

We live in the same town as the BM (which is very small), and I'm always looking over my shoulder wherever I go, and have tried to find places to go that I won't run into her or her BF. I have a membership at a gym that is at least 20 minutes from us and not in the same town. There are 2 locations I go to...one by work (which is an hour away) and the one that's 20 minutes from our house because it's in between work and home. The gym is my sanctuary from everything. It's where I go to feel better and destress. It's the only thing I have that's really mine that BM doesn't go near...she is not a gym person at all (neither is the BF) so I've always felt like this is a safe place to never see her. About 6 months ago I added my FH and the skids to the membership, and although I go on a fairly regular basis, they don't always go as often or with me.

Well, last night (after a particularly stressful day) I met my FH at the gym for a kickboxing class. I get out of the locker room to head to class and my FH informs me that he just saw BM, her BF, and the kids. WTF?!?! I go into the class but see them outside of the class working out the entire time. Yes, I imagine I'm punching the crap out of both the BM and the BF, but I am near tears feeling like I now have no place that is mine. The other thing that really pisses me off is the fact that we are the ones paying for the kids, and now BM is taking them there. It makes me want to shut the kid's memberships down. Not to mention the fact that it was MY thing to add them to the membership and when we go SD wants to hang out with me...now I'm going to have to hear about how her lazy ass mom knows best about everything at the gym. UGH.

At the end of class I bolted out of there and just wanted to get in my car and go home. FH was talking to my SS14 and I stopped to talk, and he was acting so weird. Like he'll get in trouble for talking to us if mom sees him. She's always made the kids feel that way, and it's so uncomfortable. Another reason we don't like running into them. Also, I find it odd that the kids never mentioned they were going there...SS said they've been going for a few weeks now.

Yes, I know that this is public space, but seriously...there are a million other gyms and ones less expensive and closer to the house, but they have to come to my turf? It's just maddening!

When I got home I ended up crying and having a meltdown to my FH about how I feel like I have no space from all of them. How I have to share everything. Him, the kids, our town, my grocery store, and now MY gym! He just hugged me and let me cry for about 10 minutes. I know he can't help any of this, but it makes me start to wish we never moved closer to the kids. Part of me wishes we still lived on the other side of town (an hour away) and had the kids every other weekend instead of 50/50. The other part of me knows how much better off the kids are with both my FH and I by having 50/50. They have had such an improvement in their quality of life and their attitudes/grades/etc since we moved closer. It's just that sometimes I get sick of doing everything that's best for them when it's not always best for us or me.

All we can hope for is that she doesn't keep going for very long. I am not going to let her stop me from going there, and I will just make sure I kill her with kindness if I see her there and hope she'll stop going. My FH said that she joined 5 different gyms while they were married and never went to them longer than a month. Here's to hoping she'll quit.

An evil stepmom moment turned good in the end

2010-03-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

So, my SD12 is about to be 13. She has been talking a lot about wanting a new look, and how she is so tired of her hair, clothes, etc. Her mom is trying to keep her a little kid forever, which is fine if my SD wasn't feeling crappy about herself and getting picked on from time to time. This girl needs a boost of confidence FAST!

I tell her that for her 13th birthday I'm going to take her to a real salon to get her hair done and then we will go shopping for a few new outfits and a little bit of make up (lip gloss and mascara) nothing crazy. She is really into this whole thing, and I book her appointment with my hair dresser for the same time that I'm going. She's been talking about a bunch of different styles and looking in magazines, and wanting highlights. Something different from what she has (which frankly makes her look like a mini version of her mom...and it's not flattering). She's been doing this whole "part down the middle and bangs straight down" thing for several months now and it hasn't gotten her many compliments...and just continues to make her look like a little kid.

So, the day is finally here. I pick her up from school and we head out. She's excited but nervous. My fiance was worried that BM would take her before me when she caught wind of it, and I told him "yeah right...the BM hasn't done a single thing for her in the time we've been together...I'm not worried about it." Of course the BM didn't do a thing, but I can tell that my SD is worried about something. When we get to the salon and I start telling my lady what SD12 would like to have done, SD starts freaking out and changing her mind. At first I think it's only because she's nervous about a new style, so I give her an extra push (which is what SD always needs to do something new). She starts freaking out when I tell her that we are going to do the highlights and that they will wash out in a few weeks, or can be changed if she really doesn't like them. Her face starts getting REALLY red and she starts yelling at me that it's her hair and she can do whatever she wants and I can't force her. I say that she's been talking about doing the highlights forever, what changed? She says "nothing, I just changed my mind yesterday". Uh huh... Then she finally spills the beans and says, "mom said I'm not allowed to have them done." I remind her that it's something dad and I are ok with and she's with us 50% of the time as well, and that her mom isn't the one getting them that it's her hair. She says, "I know, but mom said that since I have sensitive skin the dye could irritate my scalp and give me an allergic reaction and die." I say, "die? really?" SD12 says, "yeah...what if I die?"

Ok, ok, ok..."you aren't going to die, I can promise you that you won't. I'm sorry you are so scared, but look at all of these women here...they aren't here to die either." I tell her that it's her hair and she can do what she wants with it (within reason...she's barely doing anything and it looks like she's just been in the sun for a few weeks). She's like, "if I get in trouble I'm going to blame you." I tell her that's a deal and that I will take all the blame. That she can tell BM that I forced her and held her down and I'm a huge bitch. I also say, "honey....your mom already hates me...let her hate me some more...do what YOU want". She laughs and finally people stop looking at me like the evil stopmom who is forcing my SD to do something she doesn't want to do.

Now, let me just say that normally I wouldn't just go against the BM so blatantly, but the thing is that my SD is going to be 13. Her mom buys her clothes from a hunting store. She won't let her wear lip gloss, and she is getting picked on. I want SD to be happy and feel good about herself.

On the way home she calls her mom (because she only has until 10pm and we are running late). BM kept saying over and over that she misses her and finally SD was like, "I miss you too mom...gosh, I'll see you tomorrow". And then looks at me and rolls her eyes. She was telling her mom how awesome her hair was and how much she liked the cut (didn't mention the highlights), and her mom changed the subject and started talking about something else. I could tell that SD wanted to share how excited she was, but also that her mom wasn't going to be excited that I was the one to do anything for her daughter. NEWS FLASH...you could get off of your ass and do something yourself to help your daughter, but you are too lazy so someone has to do it.

SD couldn't stop talking about it to me and to my FH and her brother when she got home. The next day she was so excited to go to school and show everyone and asked for my help in the morning. I got her to take a picture with me before school, and all she said was "please don't put it on Facebook"....lol...she doesn't want her mom to know we take pics together :)

Are you struggling with being a stepmom?

2010-03-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

A woman on Stepchicks was asking if it's possible to come out on the other side. I felt very compelled (with my really good stepmom mood this week) to respond to her and wanted to share with others.

I have been in your shoes and want you to know you are NOT alone!

It CAN happen...to come out on the other side. I am proof of this. At least today/this week/this month. I am not going to sugar coat it. It's is hard shit! It has taken every bit of strength and patience I've ever had to get to this point so far.

A little bit of background if you haven't read my blog before...

I was 29 when I met my man...I'm almost 32 now. I had been living alone for 7 years. Dating, traveling, moving, changing jobs, and loving my life. But I still felt alone. I was missing something. I was missing a real love...a love from someone other than friends and family. I kept hoping and wishing I would meet this amazing man some day. After kissing MANY frogs (no, I'm not a whore...I just kept thinking no one was good enough)...I met my FH. He had every single thing I ever wanted in a man. He's sweet, sensitive, sexy, hard worker, does laundry and cooking, likes to travel, isn't jealous, is a good dresser, thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, is super supportive of every crazy ass idea I ever have, and has a heart bigger than anyone I've ever known. He also came with an ex-bitch and 2 kids. At first, I will admit...I thought, "I love kids, kids like me, and this is no big deal." I got warned by a friend who was married to a man with a kid, "do you know what you are getting yourself into...this is hard stuff, and you are in for a rocky road." I thought, "yeah...ok..."

Let's skip forward to me meeting the kids.

OMG, it was hell! This is not an exaggeration. I never had anxiety over anything before. I would suddenly get the shakes on the way to see him and the kids. Not to mention if I had to see the BM. I almost pulled my car over to puke on many occasions on my way to joint events where I would have to see her. I am a strong, independent woman. I'm in sales. I can make anyone like me and sell anything to anyone (almost...if that was totally true I'd be rich). I couldn't understand this situation. I have stood up in front of hundreds of people to train them or give a presentation, and this horrible bitch of a woman could make me want to turn around and run away. Why??? Well, it's because I knew I was being judged about something so major. Because can a woman like me with no kids and no experience with kids treat her kids good enough? I HATE being judged. I hate not feeling good enough. THAT is where she has made me question my abilities. She is everything I'm not (rude, selfish, thoughtless, old, mean, gold digger, etc.) and she thinks I'm just this little goodie goodie sorority girl. Which is NOT true either. I have worked for everything I've ever had, never went to college so sorority girl idea out the window. I am badass and stand up to anyone and everyone if I am passionate about something. I am a runner, and work with non-profits when I have a chance. To me, I'd been living a very well rounded life waiting for the man of my dreams (sick I know, but kind of how I saw it).

The BM told the kids the worst stuff about me. That I was the reason for the divorce (I wasn't), and that I didn't really like them and only acted like I did so their dad would like me. She would act as if they would die if left alone with me (still does), and has been meaner than ever to FH since I've come into the picture. She actually was getting a little better until he proposed to me. This is called JEALOUSY.

The second she realized that our relationship was for real...she freaked. She has been a major thorn in my side ever since.

Here's how the whole thing shakes out though. I treat the kids with respect. I ask them for the same in return. I told my FH (even when he was just my BF) that I expect him to stand up for me, and never let the kids disrespect me. I set down my own expectations as fast as I could. I told him that I will always love him, support him, and support his kids, but I will not be treated like a second class citizen in my own home. For me, if a relationship doesn't enhance my life...why be in it. I have been through hell. I have felt sad, depressed, like I've lost my own identity. I've lost closeness with friends, and I've been judged and put down by more people than I can count because I've chosen to be with a man with kids. I spent a long time feeling this need to prove everyone wrong...that I can be a stepmom...I can handle what they all think I can't handle. There is nothing I love more than a challenge...this is just how I am. So...I have fought it. I have read a million books, blogs, joined this site, and kept pushing on.

I am a stepkid. My parents split when I was about 12ish. I feel like I can relate to the kids. This has helped me A LOT! When I am getting so mad about the BM or the kids acting the way they are, I have to summon up old memories of how I felt at that age. I tried to bury a lot of it, and so it takes some work to really remember, and then I can really remember how much it sucked. I use those memories and feelings to help my FH and myself deal with all of this.

The only thing that has worked for me is to be me. I had to just stop giving a rat's ass about BM. I have tried to be nice to her...it did nothing. I have given her space...it didn't help. I never stood up for myself with the kids about the horrible stuff BM said about me...it made me feel like crap. I was tired ALL the time, my FH said my hair seemed thinner, got huge pimples, lack of sex drive and I stopped doing all the things I loved...like running, going out with friends as much, and instead stressing all the time about money, custody, time, driving, schedules, court, what BM was going to pull this week, etc. It was starting to drive me into the ground.

So, here is my advice. You literally can't worry about her. I told my FH that if I tell her she has great shoes...she's a bitch, if I ignore her...she's a bitch, if I tell her she's a bitch...she's a bitch. Really...she's a bitch all the time every time. She is just a miserable unhappy person in general. If you are dealing with a BM like this...you will NEVER make her happy. My FH said he spent 13 years trying to make this woman happy and it didn't work. He bought her a house, cars, let her be a stay at home mom, bought her horses, whatever she wanted...and she was still a miserable old hag. Some people are just like that. So, I have this new found freedom to feel like I just don't care what she says or does. I'm a good person, I'm good to the kids, and good to my FH. That's all that matters. SHE WILL NEVER LIKE YOU OR BE HAPPY. You aren't her, and she HATES that. Yeah, well if you were her, your BF/FH/DH would not be with you.

The BM gets $2K a month from my FH (if this makes me mad...it makes my FH 1000% more mad because he's the one working hard for it and divorced her). She has 3 degrees and is working on a 4th because she'd rather go to school than get a real job and work hard to provide for her kids. She's a loser, she has a loser BF, and she cares more about herself than her kids. She is everything I am not, and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't want to be the kind of mom she is, and I bring something different to the kid's life. I am confident in who I am and what I can do for them. The world will not fall apart if I screw up. I am not a druggie or alcoholic (although I do love my drinks now and then), and I am not a low life who lives off of others. I am good to the kids. I spend time with them, I get to know who they are individually, and I tell them I love them and will always support them.

I am still trying to let a lot of things go. I just recently (like in the past 2-3 weeks) feel like I'm really on the other side. My stepkids really do love me. Even if they don't use the word love...I can see things in their actions. You will never get rid of the BM. Not ever...unless you want to be on Dateline NBC which isn't really an option. Instead, don't listen to this "kill her with kindness crap". If you have a nightmare BM...stand up to her, stand up for yourself with the kids, tell them you love them and want the best for them, do your best, and keep on pushing. Lower your expectations. Expect NOTHING...you'll be surprised by any act of kindness. Do what you are comfortable with doing and know you may never get thanked by the kids. Your DH will appreciate it...and if he doesn't...leave him...he doesn't deserve you. The money going to the BM won't last forever. It will eventually end. Live within YOUR means, and try to be happy with your DH. The kids will be in a great place by seeing a happy/healthy relationship instead of the B.S. they have seen with their parents and are likely to see in their BM's house.
The feeling never really goes away. It will lessen if you are confident in yourself and find your own peace with who you are and know you could just tell her to f off if she tries to cut you down. Be cordial with her around the kids, but don't even bother with her otherwise. She's not worth it. DH obviously realized she's not worth it...he's not with her. Don't let her continue to ruin his life and now your life because she's a biotch.

Hang in there girl. It really can get better. If you read my blog you'll see some things where even last summer SD12 wouldn't use my deodorant...now she's wanting to borrow my clothes. Kids will see if you love them/like them and come around. The BM's won't and it's likely that the more the kids like you...the more she'll hate you.

Think of what BM has given you by being such a nightmare. For me, she's made me realize that I will be an amazing mother..I was never sure if I would be or not. I've found my inner patience when I had none. I have a great fiance who loves me like no one else ever has. I have a "home" that when I come home to it there is life and laughter and crying and sometimes yelling, but it's our life together. Think of all your positive things, and if you have to write them down and repeat them all the time...do it. It will really help :)

What a great weekend!

2010-03-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

Let me just say that I had hoped it would be a good weekend, and it was actually BETTER than I expected!

I had been traveling for work, and landed at the airport around 8pm. I let my FH know that I was heading home and he said they were waiting for me to have dinner. WHAT?!?!?! You and 2 teenagers are waiting? Not only that, it was SS14 and his GF15 that were there, my SD12 was at a sleepover. When I got home everyone was so nice to me, the GF was making pancakes and they were setting the table. SS came out to the car to bring my bag in (although he got distracted and never really offered...he said he was so distracted by his GF's outfit and her looking so cute...awwwwwwee!) We sat down and had a great (breakfast) dinner together talking and laughing and I thought to myself. Wow, this is my life...it's a good life, and we've come so far. I love that I'm spending my Friday night eating pancakes with my fiance and 2 teenagers that are happy! Wow! BTW, funny thing is that the GF was saying she doesn't think the BM likes her and that she's not as nice. Shocker, BM isn't exactly Molly McNice. Score another one for me :)

Saturday we got up and went to the gym without the kids and had some time alone, before we headed out of town for a 3 hour drive to see my FH's parents. We had a great car ride talking and joking around, and then had a great dinner with my future in laws. Damn, I love those people. They have been so accepting and nice to me, and are NOT at all the dreaded in-laws. I think it helps that they absolutely couldn't stand the BM, and they tell me they are so thankful I brought their happy son back into their lives. After dinner I wanted to give my FH time alone with his parents so I took the kids back up to the hotel room for the 3 of us to hang out. We watched some TV and they called their mom. She was drilling them about what was going on, and kept thinking they were left alone in the room. Finally I heard SD say, "no mom...SIT is with us"...then a lot of "uh huh uh huh's" and goodbye. They both rushed off and seemed bored talking to her. FH got back to the room and we played charades for about an hour. It was so funny!

**I do need to mention that during my alone time with the kids, my SS14 tells me that BM's BF is going to buy a shotgun for him when he saves up enough money. WTF? I asked him what his mom thinks about this, and he said she doesn't know yet and swore me to secrecy not to tell my FH. I told him he needs to tell his dad before he finds out otherwise, but I told my FH right away. I am so happy my SS feels like he can trust me, but FH still needs to know about this. What the hell is wrong with this BF secretly buying a 14 year old a shotgun. Um, isn't this something the parents should be deciding? Ugh.

Sunday we got up and all had breakfast with FH's parents and then played some games and cards with the kids most of the day. We all had a really nice family weekend, and got them home just in time for BM to show up to pick them up. My SS14 yelled and said, "bye guys, love you". Not "bye dad". Hmmmm...am I finally breaking him down with love?

Oh, and a little funny for anyone that's been following my other blogs about the BM...the whole soap thing. I think I figured out that her rash isn't from the soap. It's only on her legs, and I think it's from her razor her mom got her. But who am I? That's right...the bigger person...so I sent SD home with a different razor to have her see if that does the trick.

I am on the road again for work this week (and feeling a lot like Mr. Clooney right now), and won't see the kids for 2 weeks because they are with their mom for spring break next week. It's weird not seeing them during the week this month. I am so excited to have a weekend with just my FH, but dare I say I miss the kids? :)

Happy Friday!

2010-03-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

Today I'm headed home from a few days of work travel, and this is our weekend with the kids. I haven't seen them in 2 weeks (even though we have 50/50) because of my work travel schedule. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them later tonight, and then this weekend we are spending time with them and my future in laws (who I adore). Even though it will be a busy weekend after a busy week, I'm really excited about it! The kids keep asking when I'm coming home, and SS14's girlfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook this week (and not my FH or the BM so score one for me). It's been a good week :) Just wanted to share some positives with everyone, and also if you are into music for inspiration this is one of my favorite songs that I will listen to while I'm taking a run to remind myself that life is just one big ride!

Just a Ride by JEM

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then
BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
except thatthere's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride

BM's response to my fiance

2010-03-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, ladies...here is her response to my fiance. She hadn't respond to me yet...which I didn't think that she would anyway. What's funny is she does this with every argument. She always acts as if he is bullying her or that there are all these untold lies. I think she does this to have some kind of record of her saying that he's bullying her and disrespecting her...even though he never does anything close. I also think that she is under the impression that he didn't tell me the truth about their marriage/divorce which I know more than I probably should. We were co-workers when they were married, but she most likely assumes that we were together before we actually were. My opinion of her is based on how she has treated me, my fiance, and her kids...which is poorly. Not based on what he has said (I know there are always 2 sides to a divorce story). She has never spoken to me, so she doesn't know anything about me either. Oh well, at least we both tried to extend an olive branch.

HER EMAIL:

Grow up? I have no problem with the kids having a relationship with SIT. I am glad she is good to our kids, but the fact of the matter is that she is not, nor will she ever be their parent and she is crossing the line by acting like she is. I don't carry around anger, I am not immature. I don't even think about you unless you are instigating something. And for the record, I don't come to your door because your courtyard gate is always locked. Contrary to what your ego wants to believe, I'm not bitter, I don't carry around a bunch of anger, I forgave you years ago, but that doesn't mean that I will tolerate the constant disrespect. You can and will paint me out to be something I am not, because if the truth were to come out then you wouldn't be able to play the "poor me, my ex-wife is such a bitch" card, but don't expect me to just continue to let you bowl me over just because you call me names. We're not married anymore, I don't have to be bullied by you anymore. My behavior is not petty, or angry, there is nothing mandated that says I have to go out of my way to be friendly toward your girlfriend. The kids completely understand why I don't speak with her. Perhaps if you told SIT the truth, she would understand my position and have a little respect for me and then maybe, just maybe I might be able to have a "functional" relationship with her, but until that time, it won't happen. I will not deal with someone who has prejudged me so harshly based on lies. And to tell me that I should take a lesson from someone like her is completely out of line and you know it. She has no reason to hate me, she has no reason to feel anything negative toward me, she doesn't know anything about me. I am not going to banter back and forth with you about this, as I told you before, all I want from you is a little respect. You still can't do that. You won, you got everything you wanted...and yet you still have to poke at me and disrespect me and I am tired of it and I'm not going to take it. SIT is NOT a parent of our children regardless of how much time she spends with them, there is NO reason why she should ever contact me about anything with regards to the kids...that is your job, you are the father, it is your responsibility. I am not being petty or immature about this issue and I will not budge.

HIS RESPONSE:

You keep saying the same things over and over. What we have been talking about really has nothing to do with you and I, but the kids. SIT knows that we were married when we met, I never told her that we were separated until we were separated. When you started dating your BF he was still with his ex-girlfriend that he had a baby with, I don't judge you or him, which I told him directly. What does any of this have to do with communicating about the kids? You act like I call you names all the time, but I don't. You act like I am not civil to you, but I am. You act like I bad mouth you to the kids, but I don't. You act like I tell SIT our entire life was shit and that you were a horrible person, but I didn't. You act like I am some big, bad, evil person and you know that is not true. I have not claimed to being perfect and have admitted as much. I told the kids I take 100% of the blame that you and I split to protect you, what more do you want from me? If the disrespect part is that I don't always agree with you or have a different opinion, that is your problem. What is it about me that prevents you communicating and be civil to me for the sake of the kids? As for SIT, I believe that she was very clear that she does not consider herself the kids parent, but she is an adult, like your BF that has influence in their everyday life. I didn't realize that SIT reaching out to you on our daughter's behalf, about a rash and soap would cause you to again blow things out of proportion. This is just another example of your unwillingness to put your own feelings aside to benefit the kids.

Update...opening the lines of communication

2010-03-01T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hey ladies...here is the latest update! She actually responded to me finally. I will share her email and my final response with you all. She is a walking contradiction and always plays the victim card. She spent most of her marriage cheating on my fiance or sitting on her ass not helping the kids or to get a job to help with the house. She had no problem spending money, and still has no problem getting money from my fiance or from me when I buy things for the kids that she refuses to with child support. I knew this is the response that I would get, and the entire family and other family friends have told me that she plays the "poor me" card no matter what. I feel so much better though knowing that I tried to have communication with her, but it didn't work. I was able to say what I wanted and now I know that she is exactly the person that everyone has told me that she is. Even her own kids.

HER EMAIL:

Funny...and all this time I thought you stopped answering your door because you felt awkward (being the other woman) facing me...I actually thought that maybe you had an attack of conscience. The bottom line is this, there is no reason why we should have to communicate unless your fiance slips into a coma when the kids are at your house. If you have a concern, you can express it to him and he can bring it to me. I wouldn't expect him to be aware of every tiny detail of the kids' daily life, but SD's rash problem is something that has been an issue for 8 or 9 years, it was a constant struggle to find products that didn't cause her problems....and we have talked about several times since we split up - especially when he first started to bring the kids to your house, so this particular issue is something he should have been familiar with.

Just for the record, I don't feel any need to defend myself to you, however, I do want to say a few things, I have always tried not to be rude to you but I will never be friendly. Perhaps when it happens to you, you will understand. You do not know me, you have this idea of who you think I am, but you know nothing about me and I can guarantee that anything you think you know about me is far from accurate. But that is the life and the reality you have chosen to be a part of. My kids, sadly, understand why I feel the way I do...they were apart of our life when everything imploded on us. They do not expect me to be cordial to you let alone friendly - occasions when I do say hello or speak to you they are always shocked. I am not certain (but I have a pretty good guess)why you think I'm angry and bitter, but that couldn't be further from reality, I forgave your fiance a long time ago. I have never bothered him, never picked fights with him, never EVER told him he couldn't see the kids, never once behaved in a vindictive way, as most women would have considering what happened. On the contrary, I have always been overly respectful of his choices. Last thing I would want is for his "happily ever after" to be ruined because THAT would hurt my children. The only time there is ever an issue is when he starts one.

My children like you, and for that I am thankful because you are right, you are a part of their lives. I have always encouraged them to accept you because I knew, from the day I decided that I couldn't forgive & forget this time, that you would eventually be their step-mother. Obviously you have no clue as to the efforts I have put in to ensure that my kids don't hate their dad or you. I have always encouraged them in a healthy direction regardless of what you may hear otherwise. But at the same time, I do not lie to my kids. This is their life and they have a right to understand things about it so if they ask, I answer as truthfully as I am able. I always encourage my children to go to your house, have a good time, follow the rules and make the best of the situation that we are living in now. Unfortunately, your fiance continually instigates my animosity and then pretends to wonder why I get upset. And quite honestly, it's not you that I am avoiding at functions, it's him....in a way, I feel sorry for you because you are in the dark. For all that he has done and continues to do to try to hurt me, I would prefer never to interact with him at all, unfortunately that is not realistic. But that is my reality and has nothing to do with you. All I have ever asked for from him is a bit of respect which he refuses to show. Perhaps one day you'll take a look at both sides of the story. Maybe when you have your own children and you spend 13 years fighting to keep your family together, you will begin to understand.

MY RESPONSE:

I still can't believe you've gotten this bent out of shape over soap. It seems so trivial to me, and I was only trying to help SD. It's a shame you reacted this way about something that would actually help your daughter. Since you and my fiance really can't seem to discuss anything without arguing with each other, and he's had more important things on his plate lately I thought I could help SD out on my own. I send both of the kids home with new clothes when they tell me that you can't buy any for them. I thought sending a bar of soap would honestly be no big deal. I'm sorry it got this far.

I won't ever contact you about anything ever again, so no worries. I see now that there is no benefit even for the kids in doing so. For the record, I don't know where you got this idea of what I think of you. I don't know you, just as you really know nothing about me. I met you one time before my fiance and I got together, and we hardly got to know each other. Anything that I know about you,or the ideas of what I have of you come from the kids or your behavior over the past 2 years that I have witnessed or been apart of. With the kids, I know that the kids exaggerate the truth in both houses most times just to make each parent feel better so I don't put much stock into everything they say. My fiance has told me all kinds of bad things and good things about you and your marriage. It has not just been one horrible BM bashing story. He's actually said a lot of nice things about you as well. No offense, but I couldn't care less about what happened over the 13 years you were married. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and truthfully...only you 2 know the real truth of things. I do not consider myself "the other woman". Unfortunately you do not know the full truth about our relationship either.

I don't want you walking around thinking that I hate you. I don't really have any feelings about you because I don't know you. To me, you are the mother of SS and SD and that's it. What's interesting is that the kids have told me on numerous occasions over the past 2 years about bad things that you have said about me, and that your ex-BF used to say about me. I have told them my side of the story as well, because it's not fair for you to tell them about things that you were not apart of...just as I would never them things that I know about that you did to damage your marriage to their dad because I wasn't there and wasn't part of your marriage. I only know my fiance's side and he wasn't perfect either. We all know that it takes 2 people to make and break a relationship. I know I'm the perfect scapegoat for you and why your marriage ended, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You say that you have done nothing but encourage the kids to have a relationship with their dad or even me, but your actions at times have proven otherwise, and the kids have said otherwise. It really hasn't mattered though, because despite everything that you said about me to the kids they still like me and I have a close relationship with each of them.

I will still say hello to you at functions, and over the course of our lives together when we see each other at their graduations, wedding showers, baby showers, etc. I will always be respectful of you for the kid's sake. I don't want them having anxiety about "what will happen with mom and SIT". I was hoping that you could do the same for them...that's all.

A condom and a chili pepper

2010-02-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a start to a joke about 2 things going into a bar... :)

This is about the sex talk my fiance had with SS14. So, if you are stressing nothing but abstinance in your home...don't read this.

SS14 has a new girlfriend. His first high school girlfriend. She's a year older than him, and is very outgoing and more mature emotionally than SS. Aren't all girls at that age anyway? So, they have started doing the obsessive texting, hanging out, and following each other like puppy dogs. We have always been open with the kids about sex and talking to them about waiting, safe sex, reasons why you should wait, emotions with sex, how birth control and condoms fail, and how just because a girl says she's on the pill doesn't mean you are safe from disease and even pregnancy. My fiance said that he wanted to buy a box of condoms and show him how to use them. We were at the store, and he bought a box of 3. We got home, and my fiance was all ready to have "the talk" but realized we didn't have a banana or cucumber...but we did have a good really sized chili pepper. Oh my god, I was dying!

So, he went to have the talk. He told SS that he was just as embarrassed talking about all of this, but that he wants to make sure that he's fully informed. He told him why he should wait, and other than pregnancy/disease, how it is a big emotional commitment and how it brings a lot of drama into your life. How girls might take it more seriously than boys, and it might increase a reputation with boys but other girls might not want to date him if he sleeps around. He told SS that he would prefer that he waits until after high school, but that if he does decide to have sex that he needs to know how to be protected. Here come the condoms and chili pepper....

They work through all the logistics of putting on the condom in extreme detail. My god man...that poor kid is never going to look at chili peppers again! Bye bye mexican food night :)

Once most of the talk was over, SS tells his dad that BM asked her BF to give him the talk 2 years ago (no longer the same guy around). He said that the BF started telling him about positions and things like that. What a douche bag...and nice that BM asked her BF to talk to him instead of his dad. Perfect example of why she has no right to say anything when I talk to SD about things.

It ended with my fiance telling him that if he can't get condoms or he's too embarrassed to buy them he shouldn't be having sex. HOWEVER, if he is embarrassed he needs to ask him and he will give them to him. He then says, "I'm giving you these 2 other condoms. This is NOT because I want you going out and having sex with everyone. This is for protection if you need it." SS14 says, "dad, it's not like I can sleep with everyone...there are only 2 here." Oh man...teenagers.

Opening the lines of communication

2010-02-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

So, I had my first go at contacting the BM about something for the kids. I wanted to use this as a "test" to see if she would be at all open for communication with me. Even if it was something VERY simple for her kid. It turns out that she cares more about her feelings/issues about there being another woman in her kid's lives that she can't see past anything to help her kids.

It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.

Here are the emails:

My initial email:

Hey BM,

SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.

Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training

Her response:

I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.

My response:

I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.

Her response:

Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.

My response:

I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.

You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.

THE END

So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:

Fiance's email to BM:

BM,

When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.

The best fiance EVER!

Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?

I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.

Expectations

2010-02-16T18:21:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about expectations that other people have of us, and the expectations we have of ourselves.

I read a lot of different blogs where women talk about trying to be the superstepmom, and are getting so frazzled and stressed out trying to do so. It got me thinking about all of the expectations that we deal with on a regular basis.

Let's start with the expectations of others. I'm going to talk from only my point of view because that's what I know. These are the people I feel I'm expected to be:

1.) A good person. In general I'm a good person. I've never been arrested, I do charity work, I am a functioning member of society, I'm very protective of those I love. I open doors for people, I try to help friends and family when I can. I pay my bills, I take care of people when they are hurting or sick, and I'm always there for a friend who needs me.
2.) A good friend. Since all friends are different and have different expectations of what a good friend is I'm different friends to different people. I'm sensitive to some, harsher to others, and some friends I just talk to on occasion and have a good laugh together. Each friend expects me to be a certain way, and I have to juggle which person I'm supposed to be when.
3.) A good fiance. I have to be loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, sexy, strong, independent, a good woman to his kids, and the list goes on and on.
4.) A good future wife. Not the same as a good fiance...this is an expectation of what I'm supposed to be like in the future...like I have a crystal ball. All the talk about how I will or won't be in the future can be draining.
5.) A good "almost" stepmom. This applies to so many people. What the kids think of me, what the BM thinks of me, what outsiders think of me. They all have different expectations of what makes a good stepmom, and yet none of them are the same and almost all of them have standards/expectations that are impossible to meet. Some people think I shouldn't be involved too much, some people think I'm not involved enough, and others just judge everything I do or say that if I happen to have an ounce of stress from my life that's it's all my own fault for being in this position. Like I'm never allowed to have a bad day without being blamed for deciding to become a stepmom. The BM has expectations of me. To this day I have no idea exactly what they are because no matter how much I've done for her kids and bend over backwards I've never heard a peep out of her and she still talks crap about me all the time.
6.) A good daughter. I am expected to still act like I'm 13 at times and not worry about my parents. I'm not supposed to worry about their health or lifestyle. I'm not supposed to worry if they are doing harmful things to themselves or others. I'm supposed to just "do what I'm told" as if I'm not a grown woman with my own life. I cannot do this, and I often break down their expectations.
7.) A good sister. I have 3 siblings. 1 I grew up with and 2 that came along in my 20's. I'm supposed to involve them in everything in my life (even though we don't live near each other and we aren't very close). I'm supposed to want them all at my wedding. I don't want kids at my wedding (other than the skids) and that doesn't make me a good sister. I don't really want to invite my closest in age brother to my wedding because not only do we really have no relationship, but has he even called in the past 7-8 months to congratulate me? No. But I am the oldest...I'm supposed to be a good sister and make everyone else happy.
8) A good worker. I bust my ass for my job. I love my job. I just don't always like the people I'm doing my job for. I am expected to agree to take on additional responsibilities and be a "team player", and go above and beyond to be recognized as a good worker. No matter what I do, I rarely hear a "good job" or "thank you". With the economy being as crappy as it is I'm always worried about what's next.
9.) A good weight. I'm a runner. I have been a runner and active for years. I haven't been working out as much since we moved. A few times a week instead of 3-4 or more times a week, but I haven't put on any weight...I've actually lost weight from stress and anxiety. I've always been tall and fairly thin. I like to eat bad food from time to time, and I'm always judged by people when I do. Like I must only be skinny because I don't eat, have an eating disorder, or good genes. God forbid I put on a few pounds. These people are not exactly in the best shape of their lives and really shouldn't worry about me.
10.) A good dog owner. I didn't even like animals. Don't care for pets and never wanted one. Now I have a dog that I love the crap out of. He's so cool, and he needs me to help feed him and walk him and take care of him. We have a dog sitter for when we travel, and I wonder what she thinks of us leaving him. I'm so glad he can't talk to tell me anything he's disappointed...even though I see his looks of shock when I don't let him on the bed or leave him at home alone for too long.

Those are just a few things that seem to be on my plate on a regular basis. It's enough to make a person go mad.

Over several months I've tried to work on not worrying about everyone's expectations so much, and I've come up with what MY expectations are of myself. Those are the only expectations I can control.

1.) To do the best I can with whatever situation is at hand.
2.) I am a good person, so I don't need to worry about being one and that makes me good to those I love. I am human and not perfect. I'll never be perfect, and if people have an expectation of me being perfect THEY are the ones that need to lower their expectation of me or they will be greatly disappointed.
3.) I will eat whatever the fuck I want to eat, and workout when I feel like it. I don't believe in diets and I exercise because I like it...not because it's a chore. When I feel like a good spin class, yoga, a hike, or going for a run I'll do it. It's really no one's concern. If I get super fat and have to buy 2 plane seats like poor Kevin Smith, then it will be my company's concern for when I travel for work.
4.) I am not a mom of a SD12 and SS14...I am a woman who is becoming a stepmom and working through getting to know 2 kids that I have not had the benefit to get to know since before birth. I am bound to make mistakes and no matter how great I am...they (and BM) will always find something wrong with me so why worry about being perfect. I am doing the best I can. I plan things for the kids when I want to, I am thoughtful of them, I listen to them and their feelings, and I treat them with respect. I provide them with the things they need when I can...ie: clothes, food, fun stuff. Really...what more does a parent do anyway? Parents are not miracle workers and neither am I just because other people think I have to doubly or triply prove myself because I'm "not their mom". I'm not trying to make friends...I'm trying to help raise someone else's kids to be functioning adults who will live a happy life of their own.
5.) As for being a good fiance/wife...well, I've made no secrets that I don't love to cook, and I don't love to clean all the time, and my favorite pastime isn't picking up after people. I do always have my family's back and would kill anyone who tried to hurt them. When I love people I love them with everything I have. I'm faithful, thoughtful, respectful, and a partner who shares in 50% of the chores and expenses. That's more than most women I know, and if that's not enough then there isn't much more I can do.

Basically I have realized that it's impossible to please everyone and live up to their expectations and if my entire self worth is based on what others think of me...I have more issues than just too many expectations.

We should all think about what we allow others to expect of us, and then in turn try to lower our expectations of others. No one person can live up to all the things they are expected to be and do, and trying to do so is just exhausting and frustrating. Everyone needs to free themselves from these expectations. Otherwise what are we doing? Just living our life for other people based on their expectations and not our own. We need to take control of our own lives and if you are feeling like you are losing control...do what you need to do to get your life back!

Stepmom Group!

2010-02-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

I am so happy to have found a stepmom group where I live. We have met up only a few times, but you can always tell there is an immediate kin-ship with each other knowing we all have something so major in common. It's amazing how different everyone's situations are, but are so similar at the same time. It has been really difficult to have friends that don't really know the kind of issues I have to deal with by becoming a stepmom, and I just wanted to give a quick THANKS and HUGS to all the women I have been meeting along this journey. If you are not part of a group of stepmoms, I HIGHLY recommend you start a group or join a group. It's like great therapy with women who understand you, and you can drink at the same time :)

The BM and the BF

2010-01-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I can't understand why the BM is so needy of SD's attention. She texts her all the time, and acts as though she can't live without her. She doesn't do this of SS since he has basically let her know she needs to back off a bit. She is so annoying with her "oh baby I love you and miss you so much" crap. Really? It's been a few hours since she came to our house. You could have spent time with her last night but you don't give a shit about your kids...why do you care when they leave for our house? Because you are a manipulative psycho.

Ok...so onto a new thing. We have looked at the public family court case records for our state and found that the BM's BF has not only 1 kid but at least 3 kids to 2 different wives and a lover. Yet, they only know about one. Also, he's younger than he has claimed or at least told the kids he is. Wow...talk about the whole Stepfather movie coming close to home. I struggle with the idea of telling the kids what we found and just leaving it be. One case we found on him included some domestic abuse stuff. So...was this beating the wife? The kid? What? Should the BM and the kids be informed of this information...or worse, does the BM actually know and not give a shit about person she has moved into her home?

It drives me crazy that the kids think he's some super stand up honest guy, but he obviously has at least lied to them if not lying to them and their mom about how many kids he has and who he really is.

The BM makes all these horrible statements about us, and how bad dad or me are and it drives me crazy to know that her own BF isn't exactly who he says he is. I knew something was off when he moved in only a few months after starting to date. What 31 year old guy is moving in with a 40 year old divorced women of 2 teenagers if something isn't going on. Now we know, but are torn with what to do with the information...

How to Be A Stepmom’s Friend by Jacque Fletcher

2010-01-26T23:05:00.001-08:00

Because I blasted another post by Jacque I will give her a positive shout out for this one:

How to Be A Stepmom’s Friend

http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/05/how-to-be-a-stepmoms-friend/

My Dear Stepmothers: Please pass this post along to your best friends, sisters, mothers, cousins, or anyone else you go to for support.

How to Be a Stepmom’s Friend

When I first became a stepmother, my best friend listened to me talk about what it was like to becoming a stepmom. I dished to her all my fears and feelings. Yes. ALL. The stepmothers who are reading this before sending it along to friends are cringing right now. Because often when a stepmother tells the truth of what she’s feeling to someone who is not a stepmom, she hears responses such as the following:

-How could you hate a kid?
-What do you mean you don’t love your stepchildren?
-You knew what you were getting into when you married him / moved in with him / decided to date a man with kids.
-Why do you need alone time? Don’t you want to be with your family 24/7?
-You sound like a wicked stepmother.
-Shouldn’t you be at your stepchild’s soccer game?
-Why would you go to your stepchild’s soccer game? You’re only her stepmom.

What a stepmother’s friends don’t typically know is that the hard feelings we have as we become stepmoms are a normal part of stepfamily development. But since this is not common knowledge, stepmothers are often made to feel like crazy, evil, heartless, and stupid women by the very people who love them most. And that makes the job of becoming a stepmother, more difficult.

If you’re friends with a stepmom, here are some tips to help you stay friends as she blossoms into stepmotherhood.

Have an open heart policy. Even if you’re a whiz at active listening, pay attention to how you offer your new stepmom friend a shoulder to cry on. Try to listen to her feelings with an open heart and mind. Even if she says she hates the six year old who knocks on her newlywed bedroom door every night, please don’t judge her. Instead merely say something like, “I’m sorry honey. That sounds like it’s really hard for you.”

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume your friend is still the generous, kind, loving woman she was before she became a stepmother. Becoming a stepmom can knock a woman to her knees, especially if she has challenging stepchildren who are openly hostile. Even when she voices things that you don’t understand or agree with, consider voicing this thought: “I don’t really understand what you’re going through because I’ve never been a stepmother, but I love you and support you no matter what.”

Remind her of who she is. No matter how long your friend has been a stepmother, she needs to be reminded of who she is outside of her stepmom role. Help her remember what she’s like when she’s happy and light-hearted. Take her out to do things that you both love that don’t involve husbands or kids or stepchildren.

Read a book about stepmotherhood. Consider this quote by a reader who reviewed my book, A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom. “I am not a stepmom or a stepdaughter but my best friend is both. There was no way for me to understand the kinds of issues she faced as they courted and got married and built their new family; this book makes it all so clear.” Whether you read my book or one by another author, you would do your friendship a great service if you learned about the normal phases of stepmother development.

Support her positivity. Don’t let your friend just vent to you about all the negative aspects of stepmotherhood without touching on the positive parts. A stepmother needs to be armed with optimism if she’s going to make it to the finish line. So help her remember the many reasons she loves her husband and what she feels she’s done well.

No one dreams of becoming a stepmother but now that your friend is one or is about to become one, she will need you more than ever. On behalf of your friend, I thank you for your willingness to love and support her. If I were in your presence right now I would give you a standing ovation!

And to my own dear friend. Thank you so much for listening to me with an open heart. You always make me feel supported and understood even when you disagreed with me. I love you!

Love,Jacque

http://www.becomingastepmom.com/

Well said Jacque...well said!

Stepmother's Bill of Rights

2010-01-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

So, tonight while catching up on some blog reading I came across a recent post from Jacque Fletcher on her blog "http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/"

I have read much of what she has written, and have always felt she is right on target with what she says. However, this recent post really struck a nerve and I felt the need to make my own comments about it. First, here is her post:

http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/a-stepmom-bill-of-rights-dangerous-to-stepfamilies/

Here you can see just one of my rebuttles to this:

***The fact that anyone is still talking about how step-parents need to basically just “suck it up and deal with it” just keeps step-families from progressing. To say that step-parents should ALWAYS get their way is obviously never going to happen, and I don’t think we demand control. What we should be demanding is a discussion and respect that we live in the same household and should have a say in how things run.

#1. It says “MY marriage and family”. MY is the key word. In MY house why should I not expect that my husband will come to me to discuss things that will change MY marriage and family? Things like moving, custody changes, financial changes should be discussed…if not, why are you even getting married??

#2. These times WILL happen. Anyone living in a step situation (and frankly any “regular” family feels this as well) knows that it is impossile to control all members of a family. However, she is really caught up that stepmoms live in a “fantasy” world by believing it might be too much to ask to be consulted/notified. We have my fiance’s kids 50% of the time…for me to expect that 50% of my life is going to be run by everyone else is unacceptable.

#3. I have always read this as “hey listen, if you aren’t going to let me discipline or put my foot down with the kids…don’t expect me to bend over backwards for them either.” I think that’s plenty fair. I am not going to be driving them to/from their activities, buying their clothes and lunches, doing laundry for them, etc. if I have no say in setting the limits in the house. Ie: cell phone use, talking back, chores, etc. Yes Jacque…let’s be doormats instead.

#4. You write this as if we are talking about terms previously set up before we came into the picture. I’m pretty sure this is about changes made. I accepted that we would have his kids every other weekend when we started dating and living together. Then he talked about 50/50 and WE discussed it and how it would affect me also before fully moving forward. This should not be unreasonable to have a say. Will you get your way all the time no…but you never do in life in general. Do you think that so many of the marriages that end from a second marriage might have something to do with the fact that the step-parent might be treated as less than a partner and gets sick of it and bails? Hmmm…maybe the focus here should be on how to better discuss these situations with the hubby that you feel like a doormat instead of telling women to just keep taking it and eventually you’ll be so worn down that you’ll be numb to the fact that your husband doesn’t think your feelings matter. Great advice…

#5. Oh, ok…she agrees about this one.

#6. You’ve GOT to be kidding me with this one! Child support is understandably a legal agreement that was in place or can change from time to time. HOWEVER…things like clothing, phones, cars, extra curricular expenses, etc. should be discussed with your spouse. Considering that many stepmom’s paychecks go into the family you can not expect her to not want to have a say if unusual/unanticipated expenses come up. Oh, you’re right…”honey, I know that you already pay money in child support to help with those things and can barely help pay all the household bills…but go right ahead and buy whatever your kids need.” You are out of your mind if you think we shouldn’t have a say in how money goes out of the house.

#7. Ok, again…she agrees.

#8. Again, MY home. MY HOME is the key. I had this same issue, and it never really goes away, BUT I have discussed with my fiance and his kids that “hey, this is MY home too, and I deserve to be comfortable here. I can watch TV in my living room too, even if you are here, I don’t have to go in the other room and be treated like I don’t belong. You wouldn’t like it and neither do I.” We all know we aren’t blood, but my home is where I relax and escape work and all sorts of things…I am not going to feel like I don’t want to be in my own home.

#9. She agrees! Great…she wants respect, but contridicts that in most of these points.

#10. YAY..she agrees…OH WAIT…she just contridicted herself again. This is like a summary to everything above which is basically saying, “hey…we are married and we vowed to be there for each other for better or worse and that means we should put the marriage first to make sure it’s healthy enough to deal with all the good and bad that will roll our way.” If you agree with this, then you should be agreeing with 1-9 of all other things that are basics about being part of this marriage.

To sum this up, these are points that should be discussed BEFORE getting married to someone with kids. My fiance and I discussed this when I first came across it many months ago. It helped us to see if we were both on the same page for these issues. Although you can’t just follow this so called bill of rights to a tee, it is great for opening up communication about these points. Especially for those women struggling with the decision of marrying a man with kids or not.

Sorry for my rant, but this really turned my stomach!

Hello 2010!

2010-01-25T19:24:00.001-08:00

To all of my blog followers I am so sorry for my little blogcation...I just needed a well deserved break from all of the steppie drama!

A few updates: Christmas was great! We had the kids Christmas Eve this year, and had a blast! I took another stepmom's advice on dinner ideas for Christmas Eve and we did a surf and turf night. The kids love crab and steak so we splurged! This year was the second year of us sharing Christmas together and the love of my life always gives them money to buy me a gift. This year they were even more thoughtful than last year. Not only did they get me things that I would like, but they also got me cards and wrote something nice in each one. I got pretty teared up that they were so nice...even if they don't realize how much it meant to me.

I had also written them letters and put them in their cards about how much I love them and I'm glad they have accepted me into their lives. I could tell they were really touched by my letters. We just get closer each year, and all of my patience and hard work are really paying off!

They spent Christmas with their mom, but came back for almost a week after that.

For New Year's we got to get out of town just my fiance and I. We went to visit my uncles and we went to a friend's wedding. The wedding got us excited about our wedding that's coming up in October. We hadn't really planned anything yet, and kept pushing it off until after the holidays. Well, the holidays are over, and the planning has started! We picked a place, and just when we thought it was "the one" and sent in a check...we found a different place that we can have our ceremony and reception at the same place. We immediately fell in love with the place we have now picked, and we were able to get our money back for the first place! I have no idea how the place where we will get married slipped through all of our research, but I'm glad we came across it! Not only did we find a great place, but in the process I have found an amazing photographer that I'm super excited to work with!

My SD12 is very excited and helping with cake, dresses, and a candy table. That seems to be the way to the girl's heart! We have honestly been having a great time with the planning, and the kids have been great! SS14 is excited because he is the best man and excited about his speech (which will be pre-read by grandpa to make sure it's all appropriate).

One other thing that I have to mention is that the love of my life had to go to mediation because the BM won't sign the 50/50 paperwork...they are now doing a 90 day trial of the 50/50 and at the end the court will help to make the decision if she still won't sign.

She won't sign because she knows she'll get less money in child support even though it's in the best interest of the kids. The kids are so happy with the 50/50 arrangement. Their grades are better than ever, and they are normal healthy teenagers. Living close is uncomfortable at times, but overall it is better for all of us. My relationship with them has gotten better 110% by being able to spend normal time with them instead of just every other weekend. The BM is still a pain in the ass, but that will never change. The kids stand up to her more, and they are speaking up for what they want instead of what mom wants all the time.

For now...things are good! Hope everyone else enjoyed their holidays!

Stories from other step-parents!

2009-12-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

I travel for my job sometimes, and have found over the past several months that I'm always sitting next to a step-parent. It's funny how it happens, but I do. I'm not much of a talker on planes. I really like to put my headphones on and read a book, sleep, or stare out the window. I use it as "me" time, but every once in awhile I get in a conversation with my seatmate. Somehow in conversation it comes up. Usually when I mention that I'm marrying someone with kids. Then they start with their stories. Here are a few I've wanted to share.

#1.) Woman about 48 years old. Didn't have her own kids, and had full custody of 2 kids that she came into the picture as teenagers. She said, "oh honey, you are going to have some really tough teenage years, but I promise you that it will get better. Always remember that. I have grandkids from them now and there is nothing more amazing than being their kid's grandma. The kids and I have wonderful relationships, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Don't ever let the kids tear you and your husband apart...they might try, and you will fight because of them. Don't give them the satisfaction. Have great girlfriends that you can talk to and vent to...they will be your life line sometimes." She had a lot of advice, but was really happy and optimistic. I like these stories. They remind me that things don't always have to be hard.

#2.) Man about 47-49 years old. In a second marriage with 2 kids of his own and 2 kids of hers. He took a job and moved out of the state his sons live in and is full time with his new wife and her 2 kids. He talked about major regrets about not being close to his own kids and how much it has damaged his relationship with them. As teenagers they don't even want to come visit for holidays or breaks because they feel like a stranger in their dad's life. They are also VERY jealous that he is raising "her" kids instead of them...his own. His stepsons and him don't get along very well, and he travels for work as much as possible to stay away. He was a very very nice man with what seemed like a lot of regrets. His advice was, "stay as close and as involved with the stepkids as possible. Don't let your husband give up on a relationship with them. The kids need him more than he might realize, and it will later hurt him. Things don't end at 18...only legal issues with the ex end at 18. 18 is when they will have more choices of the relationship they will have with you and their dad...make sure they still want that relationship. Fight for it. I didn't." I felt really sorry for him, and told him it's never too late and he should tell his kids how he feels. Apparently I'm an airplane therapist...one step-parent at a time.

#3.) Man about 42 years old. He married an older woman (8 years older) who had a son. He came into the picture when the kid was about 9. Dad was a deadbeat and as a stepdad he had to step in. He said that he made bad mistakes with bad mouthing the dad too much and the stepson lost respect for him. He ran his mouth too much about, "your dad didn't care enough to do everything I do for you...he's not even around...you need to listen to me". Eventually by teenage years stepdad and son were getting in physical fights. A lot of screaming and yelling and putting the son up against a wall. The man never had kids of his own and said he felt like it was up to him to do everything to put the kid in line. He later said that once he backed off a little and let mom be the primary disciplinarian things got easier. Today the son is about 21 I think he said, and they watch football and have a few drinks together. They talk about how crazy those times were and have a great relationship now.

So, from these stories it seems like if you do the right thing and love the kids eventually it all has a way of working itself out. Your own kids are hard enough, but stepkids can be impossible at times.

People who have been through it and come out the other side alive give me hope. 2 out of 3 stories have been good so far with some good lessons from the story not as positive. Odds aren't so bad!

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

This year was our first official Thanksgiving with the kids since last year they were with their mom. We had them from Wednesday night until Sunday night AND my dad came in from out o town for the week as well. This was the first time that he met the kids. I was really happy that my dad made the effort to meet the kids and spend the holiday with us. It meant a lot to me and to the love of my life and the kids. None of my immediate family has made an effort to meet the kids over the past 2 years, and now that we are getting married it's even more important for the kids to see that my family cares about them too. I always worry that when we have a baby together that the kids will see my family ooohhh and aaaahhhh over their grandkid, but not treat them the same. It makes me a little sad for them that my friends and family will never really treat them the same as my "bio" kids, and I try to lessen the blow as much as possible.

We had a great day that started very early with doing a run/walk for a great cause, and I was so proud that the kids have really taken to doing things for charity and to help others. They never complain and they feel great after doing it. We got my dad in the mix too, and when we got home we all made a big breakfast together! We relaxed, and watched a movie during the day and then had dinner. Since I was doing the main cooking I asked the kids to pick something they would each like to make and contribute to the meal. They seemed to put a lot of thought and pride into making their dishes. The meal went off with almost no issues...until I left the pumpkin pie in the oven for an accidental 2 hours! They all teased me, but thank god it wasn't the turkey! I just bought a pie the next day and all was forgiven :)

The rest of the weekend we hung out, went to the movies, had a friend over, took a few drives, hiked, played games, went to the gym, and relaxed. I think my dad was REALLY bored at times because he's a very restless man who likes to be going going going all the time, but we all really wanted to spend quality time together for 4-5 solid days. By the end of the weekend the kids said they really liked my dad and that he was nice to them, and my dad said they were good kids and that he was glad he came.

I couldn't have asked for a better Thanksgiving!

Lots of time with the kids!

2009-12-01T20:53:00.001-08:00

Sorry that I've been so lax in my posts lately! There has been so much mama drama with the BM, but it's all worked itself out at this point (as much as any BM drama can be worked out). She was constantly holding visitation time over the love of my life's head and him and the kids finally got fed up. The kids asked for a sit down meeting with them and both parents so that they could tell them the visitation they want and want everyone to stick to. It's 50/50 but now with set nights during the week and every other weekend. Before she was "letting" him see the kids when it worked for her, and the kids were sick of never knowing what was going on. This is what we wanted in a schedule, but she wouldn't agree and kept insisting to let the kids make the decision. Well, IN YOUR FACE!!!, the kids made their decision and it was exactly what we knew they would want...a more structured schedule. Not only did the love of my life and the kids get what they wanted, but the kids also listed some of their new rules for their parents. Mostly everything was about not bad mouthing each other or putting them in the middle (which the kids kept saying wasn't really aimed at dad but more at mom), and then they talked about wanting quality time spent with them when they are around. Again...not an issue with dad, but with mom. They told her how they were tired of hearing her excuses of being busy or tired, and that sitting around watching movies while she sleeps on the couch is not quality time. It seems like she was shocked that they finally spoke up and put her in her place. They also made many comments about her inability to be a mature adult and be nice to me and their dad. She rings the bell and runs to the car when she picks them up, she never says hello, and is always talking shit about us. The kids see that we are always nice to her and her BF even if she's rude to us. She's making herself look like crap and the kids are finally taking notice.

So, now we have a set schedule that is in the middle of being filed with the courts. The kids have told them both that if they can't make it happen, they will have no problem telling the courts what they want. I think we've turned a major corner here! The kids are finally sticking up for their dad and standing up for what they believe is right. Now that we know exactly what days we have them and he doesn't have to talk to the BM all the time and fight about it...things have calmed down considerably in our house. It's so great that he can now tell her to just shove it when she tries to punish him by not seeing the kids. No more caving to her every whim, and the kids seem more settled.

Right now...times are good!!

God's Army...

2009-11-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight the kids had their orientation for a "Life Lessons Class" that BM signed them up for. It seemed simple enough...it's supposed to be a class geared towards teens on how to handle challenges of becoming an adult.

Um...yeah...so we thought.

As we sat around the dinner table and asked how it went, and what it's all about we came to find out it's something much different. It's not only run by a church (not a church the kids go to...they have not been raised with a specific religion), but a program run by the SS friend's dad. We know this family is a religious family, and we are ok with religion. However, neither the love of my life or I believe that kids should be pressured into a specific religion, but ok...mom can have her say too and signed them up for this.

The problem is that not only are they learning life lessons like don't kill, steal, or be mean to people, but they have to wear military type uniforms and have about 28 commandments about following God, and accepting to be "born again". The "commandments" range from being a good person to accepting God into your life and at the end "recruiting others".

Does this sound a little "cultish" to anyone else?

This is where the 2 houses stuff gets really sticky. If it's something that dad is totally against...how does he stop it? One of the kids, SD12, is kind of ok with it, but SS14 is not. They say they don't have a choice, but I find it hard to believe (even though BM is a nut job) that she would be ok with this kind of forced religion.

We told the kids to really look through their manuals and think about if this is something they are spiritually interested in and committed to, and if not they need to discuss with their mother. I told them that they should offer to do some other kind of life lesson thing, and read/learn about multiple religions so that they can get the full spectrum of ideas. This is where my own beliefs may or may not rub off on these kids. If they are really truly interested in doing this for themselves, we will support them, but if not...we will do everything to try to take them out of it.

The whole thing turns my stomach, and I hope that the kids make the right decisions for themselves. I also hope that if they don't want to do it they will not be forced to, and if forced...that the love of my life will take proper action to do whatever he can to pull them out of it.

Praise JESUS that this shit doesn't last like all the other stuff that is never really committed to at "the other house".

The dreaded ulcer!

2009-10-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yes...ulcer. I said it. It's what I have. It's what I never thought would happen. How did this happen? I'm 31 years old. A runner (not as much as of late though), a healthy person, a person who loves to laugh and have a good time. Until lately. Lately my whole life has been revolving around everyone else. The fiance, the kids, the BM, work, my friends divorce or financial problems, planning a wedding, renting out my house because we moved to a bigger house and closer to his kids...and the list goes on and on. It's easy all of them to to say, "I don't ask you to stress about this stuff." But I do...I worry about others...apparently more than myself.

Let me tell you what a wake up call this is for me. After a trip to the hospital for doubled over pain in the middle of the night, missed days at work, and skids and a fiance who don't understand "how I could be so stressed"...I finally realized that my health is not worth being compromised. I have to find a way to not be so stressed, and with an ulcer...alcohol is out of the question :(

I told the fiance today that I can't be the one responsible for managing the schedules, and worrying about food, and if the kids have clean clothes, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I need some help here reducing my stress levels. From a generally very understanding guy came this out of his mouth, "so, you're saying that it gives you stress to do the kids laundry and why would you not feel just as comfortable at home when the kids are here as when they aren't?" I just looked at his confused face and knew that he just won't ever understand it. I mean, he can walk out in his boxers to get a bottle of water from the fridge. I have to be in full blown clothes because if the kids see me in anything less (even a tank top and shorts) I have the 14 year old boy checking me our or the girl asking why I'm dressed that way. Listen...I'm not dressed to go to the prom every time I walk out of my room. I can wear my glasses, have my hair in a pony, and wear sweat pants. It's allowed. Also, while being sick did either of the kids offer to get anything for me or do anything? Um, no...more like, "that sucks..have fun at the doctor". Maybe I'm just too sensitive, but my friends who have their own biokids will tell me about how when they are sick the kids will make her a card or help with something or ask at least if she's ok or be like, "I love you mommy". I'm so jealous of that... is it so sad when I don't even feel comfortable to be sick in my own house? How do I explain to my fiance that going from being single to running some kind of 1/2 way house for 2 kids and having my life and plans uprooted by the BM at any given moment is stressful? He tells me that I've had 2 years to get used to this. When am I ever going to get used to this? What if I never do????

Everyone either tells me, "you have it really good...you only have the kids 1/2 the time...I have my biokids all the time. you at least get breaks...it's a perfect arrangement". Perfect my ass. I want to ask them if they would like to have someone else's kids in their house 1/2 the time, and the kicker is that the person that calls the shots on when they are there or what's going on is their worst enemy. Having kids in your house that you care about and like you, but don't love you like a parent is not sunshine and roses. And no one on the outside treats you like a parent either. It's not the same. It will never be the same. Case and point...people who act like a step-parent shouldn't be out of work because a stepkid is sick or has school activities.

Or...I hear this, "well, you know what you got yourself into. No wonder you have an ulcer, why do you do this to yourself. There are plenty of guys out there without kids, and if you can't handle it than get out now." News flash...I don't want those guys. I want this one. Baggage and all. Try to explain that to someone who has no clue and it's like I just yelled at them, "because I'm an IDIOT and I'm into self inflicted pain." They pretty much just roll their eyes and act like you are crazy.

So, here's my problem. How do I actually reduce the stress? I am the kind of person that is always running around taking care of everything, but I do make time for myself. I go to the spa with a friend, I read, I get alone time, but I think I need to get out more with other people. Since moving across town I never see my friends. Living an hour away isn't exactly something that makes people want to drive to see you, and my friends with little kids aren't exactly trying to hang out with me and the teenagers. Who can blame them.

I keep thinking if I make some new friends that are in the same situation with kids or stepkids around the same age it might be a good thing. But why does it seem so hard to make friends as an adult,and most parents with kids their age are in their early 40's. Do they want to hang out with me? I'm in a job where I'm around people all day every day, but it's not like I'm asking them, "hey...you got any pre-teens/teens you want to have a play date with?" Seriously...you can't get these kids to hang out with each other half the time anyway. It's all fine and good for these new moms and their mommy and me classes and all the crap that society has for them to intermingle with each other, but what about for us? What do we do when all of our friends sort of fall away because our lives are no longer similar? How many early 30's women are out there dating men with kids as old as my fiance? Because it has to be happening, and there has to be a place other than online. Don't get me wrong. I love my online friends. They are a great comfort to me, and there are days that I totally look forward to what people are writing and who I can relate to and talk to in cyber space. But in the physical world, instead of mommy and me classes they should at least have, "I'm not a mom, but have the responsibilities of one and here's my stepkid that could care less if they are here or not" classes and have iPods and video games hooked up for them and IVs of wine hooked up for us. Should I be looking for women at the grocery store who have kids their age and be like, "hey...real mom or stepmom?" Oh sorry...real mom...yeah, you aren't going to like listening to me complain about BM so we can't be friends.

If there are so many divorces and so many stepfamilies...WHERE IS EVERYONE?????

Why the face?

2009-10-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've noticed even more since getting engaged to the love of my life that people have different reactions when I tell them I'm getting married to someone with kids. Thought I'd share a few!

Notable reactions include the following:

1.) GASP! Sad/shocked/pity face. From most reactions you would think I just told them I have cancer and have 6 months to live... Being a step-parent is NOT a death sentence! Yes, it's stressful, and unorganized, and can drive you to a breaking point at times, but your life is not over. You aren't an idiot just because you fell in love with someone that has kids and an ex wife. Considering that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce...there are more step families out there than people realize.

2.) The "ready made family", or "insta-mom" comments. I hate when people say "oh, jumping into a ready made family" or "oh, insta-mom". If you are in the same boat you know it's hardly like that. First...you don't just jump into a ready made family. It's not like you are being adopted. It's like an on the job interview that never ends. You aren't really considered to be "part of the family" by this new "family" you just "jumped" into. The stepparent is always under fire, and left with no legal rights for protection. Insta-mom? How about insta-not-my-mom. It's the first thing everyone actually points out. Case and point...I'm pretty sure if I was having a baby, my family would be over the moon to visit and meet the baby...their grandchild. Step-grandkids? Totally different! 2 years later and they still haven't met the kids I will soon be calling my stepchildren. Even your own families don't see you as a "mom".

3.) The "you're a saint". I love these people. "oh wow, you are a better woman than me to take that on!" I don't know if sainthood is achieved by being a step-parent, but thanks for thinking that! I think that people who take in foster kids, or adopt older children, or save kids from dangerous situations are saints. People who dedicate their lives to taking in sick children or mentally ill children. Those are the real saints.

4.) The "I've been there" person. My personal favorite. Men and women who are step-parents. They have the best support, the best advice, and can have a really good laugh with you. I love my online stepchicks who always make me feel better if I've had a bad day/weekend, or helping a fellow stepchick you desperately needs to vent or get advice.

All in all, it's mixed reactions. Sometimes I wish that people would just be happy for me like I'm a young girl that met the love of her life that doesn't come with a few suitcases. 95% of the time I'm happy that I'm secure enough in myself and my decisions to know that no matter what baggage the love of my life has...he's SO worth it!!

Not the parent...

2009-10-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

So, since my last blog things have been very busy, but pretty drama free now that we've moved closer to the kids. We see them a lot more, things are more "normal" in our house, and we spend so much less time in the car going back and forth...back and forth...

Let's go back to the previously mentioned "promotion ceremony". You know...the one where we all had to take a picture together like one big happy dysfunctional family? Since we were all in the picture we don't have a picture of our own of this memorable moment. So, I contacted the woman who took the pictures to ask her for a JPEG file of 2 of them. She was nice enough, but won't give me copies because I'm not a parent. Ok, I get that...protect the kids...blah blah blah, but seriously... I'M IN THE PICTURES. So, I can't even get a copy of a picture of myself? They are ok with posting them on a WORLDWIDE website that I can't cut and paste from, but I can't get a copy? The love of my life has to request them.

It made me wonder what other things I won't have access to, and will this change when I have the same last name as the boy and girl? Hmmmmm

When being a stepmom is totally worth it!

2009-09-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today is National Stepfamily Day, and it's the perfect time to tell this story...

Earlier this week the boy had a promotional ceremony for an extra curricular activity he's involved in. When he gets promoted he is asked to have 2 people come up and participate in his promotion in front of the entire group. Last time he chose mom and dad. This time he asked me and his mom's BF. I was so honored by this, especially given that the BM would be there watching the whole thing. I was very nervous getting up there in front of everyone and getting the evil death stare from the BM.

When I started thinking about it I realized how brave the boy is, and what a big deal this is for him and for me. Even after his mom tried to get him to change his mind, he still told her, "she has been involved in my life for long enough and has earned the right to be there for me". WOW! It made me immediately realize...I'm doing something right. I'm making a place for myself in these kid's lives and hearts. 2 years ago, I never would have thought this would be possible, and now it's happening right in front of me.

What's funny is that when asked about the BF's involvement he said, "well, it's only fair that I ask him if I ask her".

During the ceremony you could tell that the BF and I were both nervous, and we also were asked to take a professional picture with the boy. At that moment someone asked for "mom and dad" to come up too. What a crazy picture that's going to be. The boy with "both" of his families. Future stepmom on one side, BM on the other. How we were all able to stand up there together without wanting to kill each other I'll never know. All I can say is that if you are truly doing what's right for the kids...this is what it's like and what makes being a stepmom totally worth it! I am a part of their lives, and there is proof in pictures and in front of other people that I am there and I'm just as much a part of this family. Even if it's a crazy stepfamily!

Happy Stepfamily Day!

The things we do for love

2009-09-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry that it's been awhile since my last post, but it's been crazy busy! My finace and I had been having some discussions about the BM's lack of involvement in the kid's lives and how it isn't right to have her BF of only a few months basically raising his kids. I came up with the craziest idea I think I've ever had...

Let's move to closer to the kids.

Seems simple enough. Not really. I own a house that can't be sold in this market, the kids live an hour away, the idea of living down the street from the BM makes my stomach turn, and where they live is out in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exactly an "out in the middle of nowhere" kind of girl, but hell...it's for the kids...let's give it a try! Now, before anyone thinks I'm totally crazy I have to say a few things...

#1. I am getting married to this wonderful man with 2 kids, and not everything is just about me anymore. I have to think of the kids and their relationship with their father. Happy fiance + happy kids = happy me.
#2. I lived far from my dad when my parents were divorced and I hated only seeing my dad every other weekend, and barely even that when I started having a lot of friends, boyfriends, school activities. Living closer gives a lot more flexibility to see them.
#3. His kids have been asking for something like this for a long time, and I can see how they would be able to benefit from this. Especially now that the BM is not home before 10pm at least 3-5 nights a week.
#4. Living closer means more time with the kids (we are hoping for 50/50 custody), and a better relationship for my fiance and the kids. Not to mention, that my relationship can now be more than just every other weekend.

All within 2 weeks we found a place, packed, and moved. I am renting my house out since I don't want to sell right now. We are in our new place which is twice the size of my place. The kids each have their own room, and we have a pool! The house is amazing, but the drive to get anywhere sucks. The kids are very excited, and even the BM has taken a positive approach to this (so far) because now she'll have more people to take care of things for her with the kids. What she doesn't realize, is that once 50/50 is set...she won't be getting as much child support as she does now. I'm sure that once all the court stuff is settled she will be freaking out. This is not going to go without drama because she will find anything to complain about. Already has actually. That we are 5 minutes driving distance from their house and the kids can't walk there. Honestly lady, I don't need to be THAT close to you and as long as we are in the same school district for the kids...that's as close as I want to be.

But for now...everyone is happy about the change in address. We've already started seeing the kids more, and I feel a lot calmer about things knowing that they won't just be coming in and out of my life every 2 weeks. I think this will help my relationship with them grow stronger as well.

Here's to hoping for the best!

Am I jealous of the BM?

2009-08-11T19:25:00.001-07:00

On a blog of a stepmom group I belong to someone asked the question..."Does anyone feel jealous of the BM? Is this normal?"

There were so many posts and responses to this discussion, and I wanted to share my response...

Depending on the day, I have different feelings towards the BM. The things I'm mostly jealous about revolve around her trying to control my fiance's life still and the money aspect. He pays close to $2K a month, and the kids are still always without the things they need. What makes me most mad is when he pays all that money, and then still has to pay more on top of that to make sure they have what they need because she doesn't take care of them. I'm glad because he's a good dad, and I know he would never disappoint them, but I feel bad for the kids because they will eventually realize that mom is a loser and can't be counted on. I hate to see that happening to them. They are already making comments about how mom can't follow through on anything and she's never there for them. It's sad, but the kids will always figure out who their parents are...but they are their parents and no matter what the kids will always love them.

Someone made a great point about how kids HAVE to love their BM's, but don't HAVE to love us. As frustrating as things can be, I have a great relationship with my stepkids. I am starting to realize all of the things I bring to their life that their mom never could, and it makes me see how I fit in...just in a different way. My SD needs a strong, independant, thoughtful woman in her life and I can be that for her because her mom is not. My SS is taking French this year, and I took French so he will be able to come to me for help. There are so many things that I bring into their lives, but that they also bring into my life. The fact of the matter is that it is not a competition with the BM. If we look at it that way we will always lose. Instead, we have to look at ourselves as someone different in their lives and realize what we bring to the table, and be proud of ourselves for that.

Something we don't think about enough. Is the BM jealous of us? You bet your ass she is. I know for a fact that the BM is jealous of me. The kids used to talk about me a lot at home, and she finally told them she doesn't want to hear about me anymore. Points scored for me :) She might be their mom, but there is another influential woman in their lives and I can guarantee she doesn't like it just as much as we don't like that the past woman is there.

We know all the frustrating things the kids tell us when they are at our house, and we have to imagine they do the same thing at home. I'm sure that at our house they tell us they don't like our rules, and I'm sure at home they say things like, "this isn't how it is at dad's house". Kids are smart little creatures and play everyone to their advantage and to get attention.

On the bright side...child support doesn't last forever, and although it feels like the BM will be involved in your daily life forever...she won't. Speaking as a child from divorce, my parents have been divorced for 20 years, and once my brother and I were out of school...the only times they have had to see or talk to each other have been and will be for big life events. Not on the regular basis we all deal with now.

My fiance told me this a few months ago when I was bitching about all the money that is going to the BM. He said, "I hate the fact that I have to pay her more than you ever will. I love my kids and have no problem taking care of them, but for the money to not go towards the kids that is what really pisses me off. However, she is not stopping us from moving on with our lives. We still travel when we can, we're getting married, and we can do things with the kids she doesn't. She has controlled my life long enough, and now I am marrying someone I truly love and want to be with. If it costs me $2K a month for 5 more years, it's still worth it to not have to be with her."

Whenever I feel pissed about everything, I think about how much worse it is for him to have to have gone through the whole thing to begin with and it helps me put it back into perspective.

Priceless summer trips

2009-08-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

The cost for us to take a week long vacation with the kids = $700
Vacation days taken off of work = 5
Hours of driving = 12
Pounds gained from a week of bad food = 3
The BM doing nothing with the kids all summer = $0
The BM's boyfriend taking them all to the Grand Canyon with his 6 year old = $50
Having the BF's 6 year old (which they have only met 2 times) piss the kids off because she is calling the BM her "mommy" and the kids "brother" and "sissy" the whole time = PRICELESS

Memorable Vacation Moments

2009-08-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

During the vacation A LOT of things happened, but here are a few of the most memorable moments:

Cooking dinner with the boy. One of the nights I was in charge of making dinner, and instead of sitting outside with everyone else and talking he stayed inside and helped me make dinner. We had some really nice time to talk about things. He said, "I really like hanging out with you guys. We have a lot of fun and laugh a lot." This is a major deal considering a year and a half ago he was trying to make up reasons not to come to dad's for the weekend. I feel like we've really turned a corner with the boy, and especially with him and I. His mom has always told him that I was the reason for their divorce (which is not true), but against all of the odds he has made his own opinions about me. This was one of those times that really made me realize that I am doing the right things, and that I'm on the right path with my relationship with him. We talked about the upcoming school year, girls, grades, his mom, her BF, and his sister. I was the oldest in my house, and he's the oldest and I think that we both share the same annoyances of having a younger sibling. I told him that if he ever needs anything I'm always there for him to talk to, and that I enjoy our talks. It was very sweet.
The boy talking about living with us. On multiple occasions during the trip he kept bringing up how he thinks he might want to live with us some day. He said he's not happy at home, and how mom and the BF are never around. He's worried that his mom would feel betrayed. We discussed with him that it would be his decision, but that things are not always fun fun fun and cheery at our house. There are rules, chores, punishments, and bad grades will not be tolerated. The love of my life let him know that he is always welcome, but he wouldn't be allowed to move back and forth when he pleases. If he moved in with us it would be through the end of high school. His other main concern? Would he have his own room. Of course. We would make sure that he had his own space that would be his own, and his sister would need to sleep on the couch during her visits. Should be interesting to see what happens...
The girl lost her cell phone. Do you ever get sick of a teenager with a cell phone stuck to her like glue? If you have never experienced this...be glad. It is annoying as hell! The worst part is this particular teenager uses it as her lifeline to the BM at all times. We have a rule about the phone. No phone after 10pm. This is reasonable given that she is 12 years old. So, we take it away at 10pm, but when she wakes up in the morning...before she even goes to the bathroom she is there to get it. God forbid she doesn't text her mom about some silly dream she had, or to let her know what color her poop is for the day. One of the days I had had enough and just really wanted some peace from the phone. So...I did what any other rational mature adult would do...I hid the phone. She was in a panic, and asked everyone if they had seen it. All the while I had it stowed away until the next day. I know it's bad, but I did get a sick pleasure out of her not having it. I mean, if we can't have one vacation day without the BM involved in it...what kind of vacation is it really? The good news is that she survived, and "found" her phone by the next day.
The boy asking my uncle about his gay lifestyle. We stayed with my uncle and his husband during our trip. They have been together for about 18 years. To me, it's completely normal. For a couple of kids that have never really spent any time around a gay couple, this was something new for them. Now, I must say that the love of my life and the BM did raise them to be gay friendly and really just nice to all people equally. The boy asked us if he could ask questions if he had them. We told him that they are like any other couple, and he could ask questions, but he better be respectful. One morning my uncle tells us that the night before he had a question. #1.) Who would be the man and who would be the woman in the relationship? Answer: Um, we're equals. If one person wanted to be the "woman", that would be an entirely different kind of relationship. Kids are hilarious.
The death of a cat. One of the kid's cats had gotten bit by a spider a few months back. Took some antibiotics, and seemed to be healed. 2 weeks ago the cat mysteriously ended up with a broken paw. The BM didn't want to take him to the vet again and told the kids that she would put him in a cage in the laundry room, and he would heal. (For the record...this is not at all how I would handle things.) While we were gone on vacation the boy was talking to his mom one night and comes in to talk to me afterwards. He's a little down. I ask what's wrong. He makes me promise not to tell his dad or sister. I agree, and he tells me that the cat died. I was shocked, and obviously he was too. I asked why his mom didn't tell his sister, and here is what he said. "Mom said that the girl didn't ask about the cat, and since she obviously didn't care...she didn't need to know." I'm sorry...WTF??!?!?! This is something you need to say, "honey, I have something to tell you" and then you tell her. Unfortunately, the girl ends up finding out in a random conversation with her brother the next day. Real nice mom...don't think you are winning any mother of the year awards anytime soon.
Just another day at the beach. The day I've been looking forward to all week was finally here. The day we were going to the beach. I love the beach! I love the sound of the water, the laying on a blanket reading a book, and feeling the warm sun relax me. This was not that kind of day. It started off good. We found a spot, set up, and I went into relax mode. Until...the girl keeps shuffling her feet in the sand when she walks right in front of me kicking sand around which keeps getting in my eyes. The first time I asked her to stop. The second time I asked her to stop. The third time I started getting totally pissed. You are 12 years old! Walk around, pick up your feet, move your chair...anything to make you stop kicking sand in my eyes. Eventually I lost it when she threw the boogie board down by me doing it again. That time though she was just listening to her dad who told her to throw it there because he was trying to help the boy with what they thought might have been an injury. (It wasn't...just a cramp in some unused muscles.) By that time it was too late. I was so fed up with this unrelaxing day at the beach, and end up in a fight with the girl and the love of my life. I keep hoping we are leaving soon. I'm looking over at all of these other people relaxing and having fun. Then I realized...I'm no longer 18 hanging at the beach with my friends. The boys aren't looking at me like I'm hot. They are looking at me like a crazy old lady with teenage kids. Getting older sucks!
My deodorant has cooties. I'm a clean person. I take good care of myself. But it turns out that all this time I didn't know it...my deodorant has cooties. No cooties that anyone else can see other than the girl. It has "your not my mom" cooties. The girl runs out of her own deodorant, and asks if I have a new one. I tell her no, but that she can use mine. She makes a face and says, "um, I think I'm ok." Really? You're ok? You'd rather smell than use MY deodorant? Is this rational? Of course not. Did she use it though...I know you want to know. Yes, she did use it. She just did it when she thought I wasn't looking. Do you think that makes it have less cooties if I don't know she's using it? Hmmmm...weird. This is exactly the kind of thing that reminds you that you are not the mom.

All in all, it was a great trip. Everyone had fun and the kids were thankful and appreciative. My uncle even said they were well behaved and welcome back again. That's a plus in my book!!!

Long car rides = Too Much Information!

2009-08-11T14:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posting this...

So, the morning of our trip we set out for a 6 hour car ride. I was under the impression it was more like 5 hours, but who's counting? Surprisingly the kids were fairly bright-eyed and ready to go. It must be something to do with the excitement of vacation...because they are never awake and happy before 11am most times.

To be completely honest, I actually look forward to this kind of time with the love of my life and the kids. We do a lot of talking, laughing, and joking around. It's time where everyone gets to know each other even more, and we are bonding and building new memories together. Memories that include me, and us together as our new crazy family :)

During car rides we always end up discussing things we normally don't. With a 12 and 13 year old this can really mean anything! For one, the boy brings up when a woman's clock is ticking. What he doesn't realize is that he's talking about a woman's sexual peak. Here's how the conversation goes:

The boy, "so, I hear that a woman's clock starts ticking at about 35. You are 31 which means it's going to happen soon."

Me, "no, the clock should be ticking now. I thought you don't want us to have a baby...have you changed your mind?"

The boy, "no, I still don't want you to have a baby. But a guy's clock starts ticking at 18"

Me, "um...I think you are talking about something else...there is no way a guy wants to start having babies at 18".

At this point I realize what he is talking about, and I bust out laughing...

Me, "oh Boy, you are talking about sexual peak. Which is when men and woman most want to have sex. A clock ticking is about having babies."

The boy, "oh....(awkward silence)...so, when you are 35 I'm going to be 18."

EWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Me, "um, that is correct, but you really shouldn't be thinking of me that way."

Did I say EEWWWWWWWWWWWW??????????

The boy, "yeah, my mom would really not be happy about that."

Me, "no shit, and neither would I or your dad."

The girl, "this is sick...I'm so embarrassed"

Good times...

Better topics included gossip about the BM.

Supposedly she has all of these amazing things planned for the last week of summer before they go back to school. A trip to the Grand Canyon, paintballing, shopping, etc. We'll see how much of that happens. What's funny is all the new rules that have been put into action since the BM's boyfriend has moved in.

#1.) The new diet. So, we all know about how the BM put the girl on a Lemonade Detox Diet, but now the whole "family" is starting a fresh diet of nothing but organic meats and veggies. No snacks, no treats, nothing. Not ever. What's funny is how the kids talk about how horrible it is. I agree that they should be eating better, but we all know that a major radical change is not going to last. Plus, they are kids...they should have some treats here and there. When the love of my life points this out the girl says, "well, we do get a treat...we get to have a sweet potato once a week with brown sugar on it." Ahahahahahahahaha. He says, "yeah, that's the same thing as cake. Would you like a sweet potato for your birthday?" This became the new joke for the week. Anytime someone would mention getting ice cream or something, we would say, "would you like a sweet potato instead?" Funny that no sweet potatoes were eaten on vacation.

#2.) The new chores for allowance. At our house we have been offering the kids allowance on weekends and full weeks they are with us. They each have a few things on their list that are reasonable for the amount of time they are with us, and they get paid if they complete without being asked. At home they now have this new chart. They each have a very long list of chores that need to be done EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not weekends, but Monday through Friday. The only thing not on the list is cleaning the BM's bedroom and bathroom. Otherwise, all of the yard maintenance, full house dusting, taking care of pets, vacuuming, dishes, their rooms and bathroom, etc are all on the list. The chores all have to be done by 7pm and to the BM's satisfaction or they don't get paid. The pay is $5 a day. This would be a great deal for the kids ($100 a month per kid) if it wasn't for these few facts.

The boy has an extracurricular activity on Monday nights. The girl is usually not home then either.

Wednesday nights they spend with their dad.

Every other Friday night they will be with their dad.

The BM and the boyfriend are essentially doing nothing to take care of the house.

The best part is the boy tells us, "yeah, mom's BF told mom that if we didn't do one thing right we shouldn't get paid for the entire week. We were like..."shut up buddy". Then last week we started on Monday and on Thursday night mom says, "you know you aren't getting paid this week...it's just a trial week"...we were ripped off." So, of course they didn't do anything on Friday since they knew they weren't getting paid. Then the girl said, "well, they did take us to Olive Garden for dinner." The boy was like, "um, I wanted my $25, not a pasta dinner." The love of my life says, "well, that's nice...the $50 they should have paid you for chores actually took her and the BF out to dinner...good job guys." They are still bitter about it. I think it's funny that she's trying to pony up $200 a month for chores to the kids, but she can't even get the girl a $15 bathing suit. The only way she's offering that kind of money is because she knows she won't have to pay it. What a bitch...

Another great car ride moment:

A song the kids love: "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann. They love to sing "wrapped up like a douche." What kid doesn't laugh at that? Actually, what adult doesn't still think he's saying douche? I've either been hanging around them too long, or I'm 13 also...I can't stop giggling.

Thank god we finally made it to our destination. We stretched our legs, headed into my uncle's house, and hit the pool!

Stay tuned for some highlights and memorable moments from our first family vacation!

A (not so) perfect start to the last week of summer vacation!

2009-08-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

The weekend started off with me getting in from a work trip at 8pm, and the airline had lost my luggage. The love of my life had dropped the kids off at the roller rink (per their request to go without him) before picking me up. We headed home and waited to hear about my bag. It said something about arriving at 11pm so we were going to get the kids at 11pm and then go back to the airport. Around 9:45pm the BM calls the love of my life. For an hour she's yelling at him about how irresponsible he is and that she is uncomfortable with them being at the roller rink without him. She then starts yelling at him about the following:

- dropping them off at the mall for a few hours in the afternoon
- standing outside of a small shop while they are looking at stuff inside
- having them run a bag to the car at at a store while he was in their vision
- letting them go next door to swim with the neighbor's granddaughter, because she thought it was just some 40 some year old guy living there alone that we sent the kids to play with.

Great communication by the kids...never trust that the kids are telling the full story of things to the BM, or that the BM is actually a rational human being.

She goes on and on about people getting raped in malls and how she's not letting them do stuff like that until they are 15. 15??? Are you kidding me? They are 12 and almost 14 now. The love of my life says "they have more of a chance of something happening walking to school alone and being alone at home all of the time". She's like "I can't help that...I can't change my job". Then she is freaking out about how she doesn't want us leaving the kids in the ocean alone during our vacation and stupid crap that would never happen. Where exactly is she most of the time with the kids? Not with them...yet, the love of my life is trying to give them a little bit of freedom here for their age and there and he's the horrible parent. Ok...

Then the detox and health stuff for the girl came up, and she says "I'm almost certified in nutrition, I know what I'm doing". Yeah, ok...almost would already be a problem, but she's not even "almost", and I don't think her little voodoo medicine to cure everything with tea tree oil counts. The girl had told us that the detox wasn't that bad, and she only drank it in the morning for 2 days. "It helped her start her diet." (Let me tell you what that diet consisted of while she was on vacation. Jack in the Box, pizza, ice cream, Mexican food, Starbucks, etc. I'm pretty sure it's all against the rules.) Then the love of my life asks the BM why she won't get the girl the HPV shot, and she goes on with this long dissertation of how HPV is made up by the dr's and pharm companies to make money and she is not going to give her a shot that could leave her unable to have kids. Even if it was a vaccine for HIV she wouldn't give it to them because it would cause them to get HIV. Ok... Then somehow she starts in about mammograms and how she never gets them or would never get them because they damage your breast tissue and can give you cancer. Is this chick for real?

So, let's just say that it was interesting to actually hear her crazy talk from sitting next to the love of my life. I really know he's not making this crap up.

We went and got the kids, and the love of my life has a conversation with the girl about why she's calling her mom instead of him. If she's too scared or something he had told her he would come get her. Instead...she calls her mom who is an hour away to say that dad abandoned us. He has a long talk with them about how they are getting older and they need to start taking on more responsibilities and additional freedom. How he doesn't want them living a scared and sheltered life like their mother, and at his house they are going to be allowed to do things they might not be allowed to do at home. He also tells him that if he gets another earful from their mother about the subject these freedoms will end. If they have any issues with anything at all they should discuss them with him first. Their mother is not his mother.

We go to the airport to get my bag (thank god it was there). Get home, do laundry, finally go to bed around 2am. Get up at 7am, get ready, and head out for a 6 hour drive.

Tune into my next installment... Long car rides = Too Much Information!

A 12 year old on a detox diet...

2009-07-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know not all BMs are thoughtless and evil. However, this certain case causes me a great deal of concern.

Today, the girl told the love of my life that she is doing the Lemonade Detox Diet. Um....she's 12. You should not be already filling her head with ideas or putting her in situations that can later turn into a full blown eating disorder. Does anyone really think it's appropriate for a 12 year old to be on some kind of Hollywood diet? I really hope everyone's answer is no... the problem is that her own mother seems to think it's a good idea. Is the girl a little overweight...yes, but most of that is normal hormonal changes going on in her body right now. Could she stand to eat a little less bad food and get more exercise? Yes. Who couldn't. It seems like a pretty drastic measure from a pretty ignorant woman to do this to their own daughter.

From growing up with many friends that have had and still have eating disorders I don't exactly have the warm and fuzzy about this whole situation. On the other side of town what can the love of my life and I do? He tried talking to the BM. All she basically said was, "I'm a good mom, mind your own business." Mind your own business? Is that what the dad is supposed to do just because he doesn't have full custody? Should he still not be involved in medical issues surrounding his kids? Let me also point out that the girl is on other medication right now, and I doubt that having her starve herself is going to help with taking those pills.

This makes me think about society in general and when/how eating disorders happen. Does it happen during these most vital pre-teen years? My opinion would be yes. Do girls not have enough peer pressure to push them into drastic measures for weight loss? Do they really need their own mothers to push this crazy shit on them? Honestly? It boggles my mind. Let me make it very clear...this BM is by no means the picture of health. She is not in shape, she smokes, she is not a healthy eater (but claims to be the expert on everything food related), and she looks seriously unhealthy. Taking advice from her would be like taking advice from a seriously overweight personal trainer. You just don't do it. How do we get across healthy eating habits to a 12 year old who only wants to listen to what her mom tells her? I don't want her growing up with all of these body issues or ending up with a full blown eating disorder.

I plan on having a private conversation with her about how she feels about her body, and giving her other ideas on how to be healthy and not always focused on weight alone. Hopefully she will be able to take a little bit of what she learns from us, and mix it in at home or push back on unhealthy weight loss ideas.

Wish me luck!

Week 3 of summer break...one more to go!

2009-07-20T14:01:00.001-07:00

What an interesting week indeed!

First we told the kids about our engagement and since that went over nice and smoothly we just moved right on to our normal weekly activities.

One night this week, the boy had his extracurricular activity (yes, the one where he keeps failing his tests). So, he was retaking the test for the 3rd time. “PLEASE pass this test…PLEASE” I kept telling him. We really did not need to continue his grounding further, especially since the last and final week of our summer is going to be a nice “family” vacation. No time for grounding. Well, the love of my life gives the girl an option to go with him and very briefly stop by her mom’s work to pick up something and then wait for her brother or go with me to run some errands and see a friend and have dinner. She decides that she would rather go with me knowing that she won’t see her mother. Well, at some point the BM finds out that she isn’t coming to see her and starts asking a bunch of questions. Here is what happened next:

The girl: "you still have to go to the store right?"
Me: "yes, I have to get a few things there, and a gift for the baby. Why? Do you need something from there?"
The girl: "um, can we go to the store on the other side of town?"
Me: “Why? Is there something specific you saw there that you wanted to get? I'm sure we can get it over here"
The girl: "no...that's by my mom's work"
Me: "ooookkk, we're not going up there, we have plans and if you wanted to see your mom you could have gone with your dad"
The girl: "I know, but he said I couldn't hang out with her."
Me: “ Isn't she working? Do you really think the 3 of us are going to hang out?"
The girl: "no...you could drop me off and then do your shopping and then come get me"

At this point I start laughing my ass off.

Me: "that's a good one honey, but we aren't going up there. Not only do we not have time, but I'm not driving you to see your mom when you just got here and there is no emergency"
The girl: "but wouldn't you see your mom if you had the chance?"
Me: "um, you had a chance with your dad...you don't have a chance with me"

Seriously? I get that you now feel like you should have gone to see your mom to spare her feelings (I’m sure the BM was not happy that her daughter decided to hang with me than to see her for 2 seconds), but come on. On the other side of town. Hell no, this is not happening. I make it known that it is a ridiculous idea and that it isn’t going to happen. I figure I’ve put this issue to rest.

We go to my friend’s house, have a nice evening, and go to leave around 8pm. The love of my life and the boy won’t be back until about 9pm. In the car…she asks AGAIN!

The girl: “can we go now?”
Me: “go where?”
The girl: “to see my mom?”
Me: “no, it’s still the same distance as it was earlier and we aren’t going”
The girl: looking at me like I’m the devil

Later, when the love of my life and the boy get home, the first thing the boy says is, “nice job girl, you lied to mom and then she asked me where you were”

Turns out that she told her mom some tall tale about how dad wouldn’t let her see mom, and so she HAD to go with me. Later when we look at her cell phone we see the texts back and forth with her and mom.

The girl: "mom, don't forget my stuff. talk to you tonight when you get off of work"
BM: "aren't you coming with your dad?"
The girl: "sadly, no"
BM: "why not?"
The girl: "well, dad said I could only run in and get my stuff and say hi and not hang out"
BM: "well, you could at least say hi"
The girl: "is there a store by your work?"
BM, "yes, why?"
The girl: "I have an idea"
BM: "ok, hope to see you"
The girl: "me too"

Ok, rule number one…don’t try to play me. You will always lose. Especially if you are a kid. Rule number two…don’t try to lie about what is really going on, and then continue to lie about to anyone you think will listen. We all know it's a lie already...give it up.

The boy was getting all kinds of questions from the BM about the wedding and the ring. He tells her, “it’s got a bunch of small ones and then one huge one that’s like BAM…in your face big”. Gotta love him! Of course she wants to know what’s going on because she’s trying to add up how much money she thinks she should be getting instead of her ex having some. She wasn’t saying a word to the love of my life about any of it though. At the end of the week, we quickly found out why. Apparently the BM has had her boyfriend of 4 months move in with them. She’s going to work part-time and go back to school. Uh huh…yeah…for a 3rd degree that won’t even get used. That’s nice that you have 3 incomes coming into your house, but you can’t buy the kids any clothes or take them to the doctor when they really need it. I’m sure this new guy will either get baby trapped shortly or he’ll realize the kind of money grubbing woman he’s dealing with and bail. I’m sure that right now though he thinks he’s hit the goldmine with all the money she’s getting, and all he has to do is help pay some bills and watch her kids. I guess whatever it takes for her to do the least amount of work to get money, and have men pay for her. I think there is another word for what she does, but I know you all know where I’m going with that so I don’t need to say it.

The rest of the week was pretty normal and uneventful. We watched some movies, went out, and had a fun family night out on Friday where the boy met a girl. He’s so excited that he now wants to go back and see her again this coming weekend. Ah, to be 13 again…

Before they left I did have a total meltdown about the house not being clean enough, which wasn’t all that big of a deal aside from the fact that I was still pissed about the money grubbing BM so I was already more irritated than usual. In the end all was made up and the house got cleaned. The kids finally went home and we spent the rest of the weekend registering for our wedding and playing Guitar Hero…yes…Guitar Hero! That game rocks!

Until next time…when I tell you all about how our first “family” vacation goes while staying with my family! Thank god they love to drink wine (my family…not the kids)!

The Reaction!

2009-07-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

I spent the day at the spa enjoying my engagement and preparing for our announcement to the kids. When I got home the love of my life tells me that he accidentally left pics of our trip out in the bedroom they stay in so the boy saw pictures of my ring. Doh! Weren’t we trying to tell them together in person? The boy asks him, “So…why is she taking pictures of a ring? Did she get a new ring?” Um yeah, she got a new ring alright. They didn’t continue the conversation, but when I arrived home about 30 minutes later, the first thing the boy says, “so, I see you got a new ring.” I’m like, “yeah, nice huh?” He’s like, “did you get that on your trip?” “Um yeah.” Finally we decide to just make the announcement and start the conversation.

The boy’s first reaction was, “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it was an engagement ring!” He proceeds to tell us how he knew it was coming and he’s totally cool with it because it’s not much different than things are now with us living together. Very true…smart kid!

The girl’s first reaction was to go back into the house and not really talk about it, but NO WAY…the love of my life wanted this out in the open. He has her come back outside to talk about it, and she finally says, “yeah, it’s kinda weird, but I’m not surprised”.

We talk for awhile at dinner about the wedding, when it will happen, and the love of my life tells them how he would like for them to stand up in the wedding also. He asks the boy to be his best man, and he is through the roof excited. “Can I plan a bachelor party? Can I drink? Do I get to make a speech?” Um, first of all…you are still a young teenager so you won’t be planning some kind of stripper bachelor party or drinking booze. Nice try though kid…I give you props for asking. He will get to give a speech and he’s so excited. I think he’s words are, “this is awesome…I get to be the best man!” The girl is excited because she gets to be in a wedding, loves dresses, and realizes now that she gets to help pick the wedding cake. A personal favorite food for her, and she is more than willing to lend a hand with that job.

Overall, the conversation and reaction are all WAY better than I imagined.

Then they call the BM to tell her. The girl spends very little time talking to her and says, “I told her you are getting married, but I don’t want to tell her too much and hurt her feelings.” Smart kid too, and this is great because the less the BM knows…the better. I know the BM is going to start adding things up in her head trying to figure out how much money we are spending on things, and how much she thinks she should be getting in more child support and alimony. Because all this BM cares about is money…and let’s be very clear that she gets more money per month than she deserves. The boy gets on the phone and very excitedly proceeds to tell the BM all about how awesome things are going to be, and how happy he is about being the best man. She then asks him, “so, did you say yes?” “well of course mom…it’s going to be awesome!” Points for us!

A very interesting night, but all in all we got very good reactions from them. No telling what’s to come…

When changes get made to the visitation schedule...

2009-07-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not a very religious person, but someone told me a joke once..."How do you make God laugh?" The answer..."Plan ahead". I think this also rings true for any kind of family where kids are involved.

Anyone who knows me knows that I live by my calendar. I love to have things planned, and I try to make sure I have everything scheduled accordingly...

The weekends we have the love of my life's kids
Our summer schedule of when we have the kids
Their school events or other events that involve the kids
My work travel schedules
The love of my life's work travel schedules
Social events
Work events
Birthdays
Holidays

You get the picture. Before I plan anything, I have to consult the Outlook calendar to be sure it doesn't conflict with any of the previously mentioned things. Almost always it has to revolve around the scheduling of when we have the kids and when we don't have the kids.

As most stepmoms will tell you, having a schedule can prove to be a big waste of time. Just when you think you are getting the kids on a Friday night, you find out that one or both have other plans they would like to make. Usually the BM has a conflict in whether or not she can pick up or drop off the kids and when. This week was already going to be tricky because we have them for our 3rd week of 4 weeks of summer visitation (a total of 7 days). The girl was going to come a few days after the boy since she has a sleepover she wanted to attend, but now of course 12 hours before the boy is supposed to get picked up...he too has something he wants to do and not come until the next day. We were all ready to start telling the kids about the engagement, and as the time started to near...my anxiety has been on high. Only to now have 2 more days to wait to tell them.

I should be 110% happy about this. I get 2 more nights alone with the love of my life before having the kids for a week straight. Not to mention that I will be gone the day (at the spa celebrating my engagement) they are now supposed to arrive (removing my irritation of the BM being late). This also helps that we will be able to tell the kids together at the same time now instead of one before the other. It seems like it all works out. However, it still bugs me a little. We spent yesterday making sure that we had the grocery shopping done in time for their arrival, and now next weekend we will have them longer than planned to make up for the lost time.

I look forward to when the kids are coming. It's the strangest relationship to me sometimes because we spend so much personal time together when they are there, but then when they are gone...I don't talk to them the entire time. As much as I get excited that they are coming...I also have to mentally prepare for their arrival. Because of the fact that we don't talk for generally 2 full weeks they bombard me the second we see each other. "We have to tell you this" "let me tell you that" "listen to me" "look at me" "talk to me" "let me follow you around like a puppy dog". I'm happy they are so excited to tell me things and show me things, but it can be overload at first when you've had a house full of silence for a few weeks. From the second they arrive they expect that you will be entertaining them 24x7 for the next however many days they are there. Going to bed early (10pm...which is NOT early for me given I have a day job) seems unacceptable to them. Best put...you are their circus act. Preparing for them to arrive is like I'm preparing for a big family visit. What food do we have? Which nights am I going to make sure I have plans outside of the house so they have time alone with their dad (and time away for me)? Which nights will we commit to doing something particular with them? Because trust me...they will want to know exactly how the week is planned out the minute they walk in the door. In this respect...maybe they are like me. Always wanting to "have a plan". I can respect that. What drives me crazy is that everyone else can change the plan at a moments notice...and I'm the one who is just along for the ride. If the love of my life called the BM or the kids to tell them that plans had to be changed because of me...OMG...WW3 would bust out.

I just really want to tell the kids about the engagement. I'm ready. I'm more than ready. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, worried, scared...but most I just can't wait to see how it all plays out. Just a few more days...a few more!

We're Engaged!!!

2009-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am so excited that he finally popped the question, and it is really official that we are getting married! He asked me during a romantic getaway, and of course I said yes! I have never loved someone like I love him, and I couldn't think of someone I'd rather spend my life with. He's loving, thoughtful, a great dad, someone I can always count on, treats me with love and respect, honest, outgoing, trusting, and most of all my best friend. So, he has a couple of kids and an ex-wife. I've met men with worse baggage...

The only thing I'm nervous about now is telling the kids the news...

This should come as no surprise to them considering that we have been talking about it for at least 7-8 months in order to get them used to the idea. We never wanted it to come as a shock to them, and generally a first reaction isn't going to be the best. It has taken time to warm them up to this idea. LOTS of time. At first it was an outright "NO, we don't want you ever getting married again". Not because it's me, but of course like so many other things...because I'm not their mom. However, over time they have warmed up to the idea and recently said, "we've thought about it, and it's really not going to be any different if you get married than it is now. We're ok with it." I have to point out though that they made sure we knew that they are not yet ok with the idea of their dad having more kids...with me. That will be the next challenge...

So, with that said, we are waiting to tell them in person when the love of my life has them for our 3rd summer week. We have our ideas of what kind of reaction we are going to get. From the boy..."yeah, ok, whatever". From the girl, "um...ok...I need to call mom".

This is the part I'm not looking forward to. The BM's reaction, and her communication to the kids about it. Will she change their feelings about it? Even though she most likely won't be shocked about it, she will have some kind of reaction that I mostly guess is not going to be positive. Cue the self-pity and poor me crap. Somehow she'll make our happy moment about her and how horrible things are for her, or better yet try to take him to court thinking he's got so much money because he bought me a ring.

I love this man with all my heart, and know that no marriage or life is perfect...but sometimes I wish there wasn't always some BM in the background ready to make judgements or try to dictate things. That's why I'm glad that we've been able to enjoy our engagement for a week in private before calling in the stepfamily circus :)

I'll blog again with the actual reactions soon...

2 weeks down, 2 to go!

2009-06-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

We close out the 2nd week (out of 4) for the summer with the love of my life's kids.

The week started off with a very nice Father's Day. We picked them up from their house and went to breakfast. Let's note that for Mother's Day...the BM couldn't even bother to show up at our house to pick up the kids as promised at 7am to go to breakfast, and instead sent her boyfriend (over an hour late) to get them and then didn't do anything with them for the day as promised. There was no way that we would be late picking them up. When you promise the kids that you are coming to get them and take them to breakfast...you do it.

The rest of the week was mostly filled with typical stuff. The boy failing a test for an extracurricular activity he's involved in, getting grounded, bitching, etc. The girl, questioning every move we make, or putting her 2 cents into every single conversation. Typical teenage stuff as it goes. Well, other than the boy staring at my chest or butt every 5 seconds. Now, I know that he's 13...and I'm totally hot (just kidding), but seriously...I'm going to be your stepmom. Ewe. The love of my life says it's normal, but even he is getting sick and tired of seeing the boy try to stare down my shirt every chance he gets.

When we have the kids we are pretty much doing stuff with them all the time. We take walks together, watch movies together, play games together, spend a lot of time talking and laughing. What I get really sick of is how they talk about how the BM can't do anything with them because she's "too busy working", "too tired", "not feeling well", "has no money". It's bullshit, and I'm sick of the poor mom crap. I'm not their mom, and I do more with them than their mother ever does or will. For the people reading my blog that are not stepmoms, but are as you call yourselves "real moms"...please remember that you decided to have a kid. Spend time with them, be interested in what they do, make time for them even when you don't feel like it. Life moves too fast and co-existing does NOT count as "spending time together".

For example, the girl bought this book about how to make crafts out of recycled goods. We sat down together for hours just working on making things together. This is one of the sweet times together when she's not looking at me like, "you're not my mom".

This year they also took part in celebrating my birthday. Last year you would have thought it was an unreasonable request for them to do something for me. However, if I didn't do something for them for their birthday's...holy shit...the world would fall apart. This year the love of my life made sure to have them participate which to my shock they did not object. They got excited about it, and got me 2 gifts...#1.) a back massager. No, this is not a vibrator, but an actual back massager. The second gift (that they promised was "the most thoughtful") was a Snuggie. Now, we do joke around about how retarded the Snuggie is a lot, but did I think that would be the "thoughtful" gift. No, but they were really excited and it was funny as hell. Thank god they got me a tan/brown one and not monk red. Now we need to just wait for it not to be 110 degrees outside!

A few other things to note:

Games you should NOT play with teenagers:
1.) Twister - for obvious reasons we no longer play this. If you don't understand why...think back to my comment about the boy looking down my shirt and staring at my ass.
2.) Scrabble SLAM - seems like a harmless game, but it's based on 4 letter words. 13 year old boys love to start the game with the word COCK...supposedly "like the rooster". uh huh

The only thing that still works with teenagers:
1.) Bribery - "if you don't fight with each other all week, we'll have a special day at the end of the week" This shit still works. Take it while you can...

Conversations that always happen:
1.) Anything in regards to sex or the changing of their bodies - do we always need to talk about masturbation or periods? Yes...yes we do. I encourage everyone to have an open relationship with any kids around them about these things, but sometimes they will say more than you bargained for. "Dad, what does it mean when they say you can go blind from touching yourself too much?" First, stop choking on whatever you are eating/drinking. Second, think of a clever answer that doesn't make him feel like a Catholic kid who grows up with sexual issues. Their dad's answer, "well, am I blind? No? Well, then...carry on". Just when you think the conversation has ended...it hasn't. "So dad, how old are you when you stop?" Dad, "um, I wasn't aware you ever really stop." The boy, "you mean, you don't stop when you get married?" Dad, "I'm pretty sure you do it more when you're married". Ah...one of life's little lessons :)
2.) They will always tell you things that the BM says behind your back or their dad's back that will infuriate you. Things like, "dad, mom said that you are an irresponsible parent". It's always because of something that SHE did that she's trying to take any kind of attention away from her for. Another personal favorite..."mom, I don't like your boyfriend being around all the time, can we get just a little time alone with you?" Her response, "that's a double standard because your dad lives with someone." Um yeah, and I gladly retreat to a bar, a spa day, my room, or any other quiet padded room when they are here sometimes in order for them to get time alone with their dad. She will blame her own bad parenting on anyone else other than herself, and usually it has to do with your man or you, and she makes it known to the kids.

And then, the time in the week everyone looks forward to...the last day. Sunday! The kids are looking forward to going home to sleep in their own beds and not on an air mattress, and to not have "so many rules". We are looking forward to having some alone time, aka: sex, sleeping, watching what we want to watch. Everyone stares at the clock watching the minutes turn into seconds as it nears 8pm. The BM should be here any minute. Will she? OF COURSE NOT...because she's ALWAYS late. ALWAYS. God forbid she wants to see her kids on time after not seeing them for over a week. Now, the best part is how she has given the "poor me" talk to the kids over and over. "We can't go to the movies, I can't take you to dinner, we can't go for a walk because my back hurts." What has she done all week while the kids are with us? Movies, the mall, dinner, taking walks with the BF. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't have a life. Please god...DO have a life, you will then be less of a whine bag to the love of my life which means that he will be happier. But for crying out loud...don't tell your kids that you have NO TIME to do things, but the second they aren't there start doing all the stuff they beg you to do.

Me...I have a big mouth sometimes. "So, you're telling me that your mom has time for all this stuff when you are gone? That's really nice. You should talk to her about that..." Then again, maybe that is my own little way of making her 45 minute car ride (that she claims costs her $20 a trip to make) very uncomfortable. Like the uncomfortable 45 minutes we had to endure while we sat around and waited for her to finally show up.

A little bit of background...

2009-06-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying...

I love my life! I love the "love of my life" and his kids! However, this has not always been the case.

At 29 years old I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought I did. When I met the "love of my life" we worked together and were friends first. He told me everything about his baggage and responsibilities. I knew he had 2 kids (pre-teens), but I thought "what's the big deal? I love kids, and kids love me." The part I didn't really think about was that they were another woman's kids. Not the kind of woman who is your sister, your aunt, or your best friend...an ex-wife. This means that the kids already have a mom, and no matter what you do or say...they will never let you forget that.

Believe me, I get it. I don't want to be their mom. They have a mom already that they love very much and should. Figuring out how our part-time family fits together though...that is one hell of an adventure!

That is where this blog comes in. We've been living together with the kids every other weekend and 1/2 the summers for over a year now. I know there are some crazy stories from the past year that I don't have posted here, but there are so many more to come!

With so many stepmoms out there, I have only been lucky enough to have one of the most amazing stepmoms as a friend of mine. She has helped me through this crazy transition of life, and I could never survive it without her, our drinks, and our spa days! You know who you are, and I love you!!!

To the love of my life: Thank you for being so supportive, caring, and level headed when I'm not. You have been the best partner one could ask for, and I look forward to our entire journey! I love you more than you will ever know!