Today I'm headed home from a few days of work travel, and this is our weekend with the kids. I haven't seen them in 2 weeks (even though we have 50/50) because of my work travel schedule. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them later tonight, and then this weekend we are spending time with them and my future in laws (who I adore). Even though it will be a busy weekend after a busy week, I'm really excited about it! The kids keep asking when I'm coming home, and SS14's girlfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook this week (and not my FH or the BM so score one for me). It's been a good week :) Just wanted to share some positives with everyone, and also if you are into music for inspiration this is one of my favorite songs that I will listen to while I'm taking a run to remind myself that life is just one big ride!
Just a Ride by JEM
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then
BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
except thatthere's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride
Friday, March 5, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
BM's response to my fiance
Ok, ladies...here is her response to my fiance. She hadn't respond to me yet...which I didn't think that she would anyway. What's funny is she does this with every argument. She always acts as if he is bullying her or that there are all these untold lies. I think she does this to have some kind of record of her saying that he's bullying her and disrespecting her...even though he never does anything close. I also think that she is under the impression that he didn't tell me the truth about their marriage/divorce which I know more than I probably should. We were co-workers when they were married, but she most likely assumes that we were together before we actually were. My opinion of her is based on how she has treated me, my fiance, and her kids...which is poorly. Not based on what he has said (I know there are always 2 sides to a divorce story). She has never spoken to me, so she doesn't know anything about me either. Oh well, at least we both tried to extend an olive branch.
HER EMAIL:
Grow up? I have no problem with the kids having a relationship with SIT. I am glad she is good to our kids, but the fact of the matter is that she is not, nor will she ever be their parent and she is crossing the line by acting like she is. I don't carry around anger, I am not immature. I don't even think about you unless you are instigating something. And for the record, I don't come to your door because your courtyard gate is always locked. Contrary to what your ego wants to believe, I'm not bitter, I don't carry around a bunch of anger, I forgave you years ago, but that doesn't mean that I will tolerate the constant disrespect. You can and will paint me out to be something I am not, because if the truth were to come out then you wouldn't be able to play the "poor me, my ex-wife is such a bitch" card, but don't expect me to just continue to let you bowl me over just because you call me names. We're not married anymore, I don't have to be bullied by you anymore. My behavior is not petty, or angry, there is nothing mandated that says I have to go out of my way to be friendly toward your girlfriend. The kids completely understand why I don't speak with her. Perhaps if you told SIT the truth, she would understand my position and have a little respect for me and then maybe, just maybe I might be able to have a "functional" relationship with her, but until that time, it won't happen. I will not deal with someone who has prejudged me so harshly based on lies. And to tell me that I should take a lesson from someone like her is completely out of line and you know it. She has no reason to hate me, she has no reason to feel anything negative toward me, she doesn't know anything about me. I am not going to banter back and forth with you about this, as I told you before, all I want from you is a little respect. You still can't do that. You won, you got everything you wanted...and yet you still have to poke at me and disrespect me and I am tired of it and I'm not going to take it. SIT is NOT a parent of our children regardless of how much time she spends with them, there is NO reason why she should ever contact me about anything with regards to the kids...that is your job, you are the father, it is your responsibility. I am not being petty or immature about this issue and I will not budge.
HIS RESPONSE:
You keep saying the same things over and over. What we have been talking about really has nothing to do with you and I, but the kids. SIT knows that we were married when we met, I never told her that we were separated until we were separated. When you started dating your BF he was still with his ex-girlfriend that he had a baby with, I don't judge you or him, which I told him directly. What does any of this have to do with communicating about the kids? You act like I call you names all the time, but I don't. You act like I am not civil to you, but I am. You act like I bad mouth you to the kids, but I don't. You act like I tell SIT our entire life was shit and that you were a horrible person, but I didn't. You act like I am some big, bad, evil person and you know that is not true. I have not claimed to being perfect and have admitted as much. I told the kids I take 100% of the blame that you and I split to protect you, what more do you want from me? If the disrespect part is that I don't always agree with you or have a different opinion, that is your problem. What is it about me that prevents you communicating and be civil to me for the sake of the kids? As for SIT, I believe that she was very clear that she does not consider herself the kids parent, but she is an adult, like your BF that has influence in their everyday life. I didn't realize that SIT reaching out to you on our daughter's behalf, about a rash and soap would cause you to again blow things out of proportion. This is just another example of your unwillingness to put your own feelings aside to benefit the kids.
Update...opening the lines of communication
Hey ladies...here is the latest update! She actually responded to me finally. I will share her email and my final response with you all. She is a walking contradiction and always plays the victim card. She spent most of her marriage cheating on my fiance or sitting on her ass not helping the kids or to get a job to help with the house. She had no problem spending money, and still has no problem getting money from my fiance or from me when I buy things for the kids that she refuses to with child support. I knew this is the response that I would get, and the entire family and other family friends have told me that she plays the "poor me" card no matter what. I feel so much better though knowing that I tried to have communication with her, but it didn't work. I was able to say what I wanted and now I know that she is exactly the person that everyone has told me that she is. Even her own kids.
HER EMAIL:
Funny...and all this time I thought you stopped answering your door because you felt awkward (being the other woman) facing me...I actually thought that maybe you had an attack of conscience. The bottom line is this, there is no reason why we should have to communicate unless your fiance slips into a coma when the kids are at your house. If you have a concern, you can express it to him and he can bring it to me. I wouldn't expect him to be aware of every tiny detail of the kids' daily life, but SD's rash problem is something that has been an issue for 8 or 9 years, it was a constant struggle to find products that didn't cause her problems....and we have talked about several times since we split up - especially when he first started to bring the kids to your house, so this particular issue is something he should have been familiar with.
Just for the record, I don't feel any need to defend myself to you, however, I do want to say a few things, I have always tried not to be rude to you but I will never be friendly. Perhaps when it happens to you, you will understand. You do not know me, you have this idea of who you think I am, but you know nothing about me and I can guarantee that anything you think you know about me is far from accurate. But that is the life and the reality you have chosen to be a part of. My kids, sadly, understand why I feel the way I do...they were apart of our life when everything imploded on us. They do not expect me to be cordial to you let alone friendly - occasions when I do say hello or speak to you they are always shocked. I am not certain (but I have a pretty good guess)why you think I'm angry and bitter, but that couldn't be further from reality, I forgave your fiance a long time ago. I have never bothered him, never picked fights with him, never EVER told him he couldn't see the kids, never once behaved in a vindictive way, as most women would have considering what happened. On the contrary, I have always been overly respectful of his choices. Last thing I would want is for his "happily ever after" to be ruined because THAT would hurt my children. The only time there is ever an issue is when he starts one.
My children like you, and for that I am thankful because you are right, you are a part of their lives. I have always encouraged them to accept you because I knew, from the day I decided that I couldn't forgive & forget this time, that you would eventually be their step-mother. Obviously you have no clue as to the efforts I have put in to ensure that my kids don't hate their dad or you. I have always encouraged them in a healthy direction regardless of what you may hear otherwise. But at the same time, I do not lie to my kids. This is their life and they have a right to understand things about it so if they ask, I answer as truthfully as I am able. I always encourage my children to go to your house, have a good time, follow the rules and make the best of the situation that we are living in now. Unfortunately, your fiance continually instigates my animosity and then pretends to wonder why I get upset. And quite honestly, it's not you that I am avoiding at functions, it's him....in a way, I feel sorry for you because you are in the dark. For all that he has done and continues to do to try to hurt me, I would prefer never to interact with him at all, unfortunately that is not realistic. But that is my reality and has nothing to do with you. All I have ever asked for from him is a bit of respect which he refuses to show. Perhaps one day you'll take a look at both sides of the story. Maybe when you have your own children and you spend 13 years fighting to keep your family together, you will begin to understand.
MY RESPONSE:
I still can't believe you've gotten this bent out of shape over soap. It seems so trivial to me, and I was only trying to help SD. It's a shame you reacted this way about something that would actually help your daughter. Since you and my fiance really can't seem to discuss anything without arguing with each other, and he's had more important things on his plate lately I thought I could help SD out on my own. I send both of the kids home with new clothes when they tell me that you can't buy any for them. I thought sending a bar of soap would honestly be no big deal. I'm sorry it got this far.
I won't ever contact you about anything ever again, so no worries. I see now that there is no benefit even for the kids in doing so. For the record, I don't know where you got this idea of what I think of you. I don't know you, just as you really know nothing about me. I met you one time before my fiance and I got together, and we hardly got to know each other. Anything that I know about you,or the ideas of what I have of you come from the kids or your behavior over the past 2 years that I have witnessed or been apart of. With the kids, I know that the kids exaggerate the truth in both houses most times just to make each parent feel better so I don't put much stock into everything they say. My fiance has told me all kinds of bad things and good things about you and your marriage. It has not just been one horrible BM bashing story. He's actually said a lot of nice things about you as well. No offense, but I couldn't care less about what happened over the 13 years you were married. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and truthfully...only you 2 know the real truth of things. I do not consider myself "the other woman". Unfortunately you do not know the full truth about our relationship either.
I don't want you walking around thinking that I hate you. I don't really have any feelings about you because I don't know you. To me, you are the mother of SS and SD and that's it. What's interesting is that the kids have told me on numerous occasions over the past 2 years about bad things that you have said about me, and that your ex-BF used to say about me. I have told them my side of the story as well, because it's not fair for you to tell them about things that you were not apart of...just as I would never them things that I know about that you did to damage your marriage to their dad because I wasn't there and wasn't part of your marriage. I only know my fiance's side and he wasn't perfect either. We all know that it takes 2 people to make and break a relationship. I know I'm the perfect scapegoat for you and why your marriage ended, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You say that you have done nothing but encourage the kids to have a relationship with their dad or even me, but your actions at times have proven otherwise, and the kids have said otherwise. It really hasn't mattered though, because despite everything that you said about me to the kids they still like me and I have a close relationship with each of them.
I will still say hello to you at functions, and over the course of our lives together when we see each other at their graduations, wedding showers, baby showers, etc. I will always be respectful of you for the kid's sake. I don't want them having anxiety about "what will happen with mom and SIT". I was hoping that you could do the same for them...that's all.
HER EMAIL:
Funny...and all this time I thought you stopped answering your door because you felt awkward (being the other woman) facing me...I actually thought that maybe you had an attack of conscience. The bottom line is this, there is no reason why we should have to communicate unless your fiance slips into a coma when the kids are at your house. If you have a concern, you can express it to him and he can bring it to me. I wouldn't expect him to be aware of every tiny detail of the kids' daily life, but SD's rash problem is something that has been an issue for 8 or 9 years, it was a constant struggle to find products that didn't cause her problems....and we have talked about several times since we split up - especially when he first started to bring the kids to your house, so this particular issue is something he should have been familiar with.
Just for the record, I don't feel any need to defend myself to you, however, I do want to say a few things, I have always tried not to be rude to you but I will never be friendly. Perhaps when it happens to you, you will understand. You do not know me, you have this idea of who you think I am, but you know nothing about me and I can guarantee that anything you think you know about me is far from accurate. But that is the life and the reality you have chosen to be a part of. My kids, sadly, understand why I feel the way I do...they were apart of our life when everything imploded on us. They do not expect me to be cordial to you let alone friendly - occasions when I do say hello or speak to you they are always shocked. I am not certain (but I have a pretty good guess)why you think I'm angry and bitter, but that couldn't be further from reality, I forgave your fiance a long time ago. I have never bothered him, never picked fights with him, never EVER told him he couldn't see the kids, never once behaved in a vindictive way, as most women would have considering what happened. On the contrary, I have always been overly respectful of his choices. Last thing I would want is for his "happily ever after" to be ruined because THAT would hurt my children. The only time there is ever an issue is when he starts one.
My children like you, and for that I am thankful because you are right, you are a part of their lives. I have always encouraged them to accept you because I knew, from the day I decided that I couldn't forgive & forget this time, that you would eventually be their step-mother. Obviously you have no clue as to the efforts I have put in to ensure that my kids don't hate their dad or you. I have always encouraged them in a healthy direction regardless of what you may hear otherwise. But at the same time, I do not lie to my kids. This is their life and they have a right to understand things about it so if they ask, I answer as truthfully as I am able. I always encourage my children to go to your house, have a good time, follow the rules and make the best of the situation that we are living in now. Unfortunately, your fiance continually instigates my animosity and then pretends to wonder why I get upset. And quite honestly, it's not you that I am avoiding at functions, it's him....in a way, I feel sorry for you because you are in the dark. For all that he has done and continues to do to try to hurt me, I would prefer never to interact with him at all, unfortunately that is not realistic. But that is my reality and has nothing to do with you. All I have ever asked for from him is a bit of respect which he refuses to show. Perhaps one day you'll take a look at both sides of the story. Maybe when you have your own children and you spend 13 years fighting to keep your family together, you will begin to understand.
MY RESPONSE:
I still can't believe you've gotten this bent out of shape over soap. It seems so trivial to me, and I was only trying to help SD. It's a shame you reacted this way about something that would actually help your daughter. Since you and my fiance really can't seem to discuss anything without arguing with each other, and he's had more important things on his plate lately I thought I could help SD out on my own. I send both of the kids home with new clothes when they tell me that you can't buy any for them. I thought sending a bar of soap would honestly be no big deal. I'm sorry it got this far.
I won't ever contact you about anything ever again, so no worries. I see now that there is no benefit even for the kids in doing so. For the record, I don't know where you got this idea of what I think of you. I don't know you, just as you really know nothing about me. I met you one time before my fiance and I got together, and we hardly got to know each other. Anything that I know about you,or the ideas of what I have of you come from the kids or your behavior over the past 2 years that I have witnessed or been apart of. With the kids, I know that the kids exaggerate the truth in both houses most times just to make each parent feel better so I don't put much stock into everything they say. My fiance has told me all kinds of bad things and good things about you and your marriage. It has not just been one horrible BM bashing story. He's actually said a lot of nice things about you as well. No offense, but I couldn't care less about what happened over the 13 years you were married. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and truthfully...only you 2 know the real truth of things. I do not consider myself "the other woman". Unfortunately you do not know the full truth about our relationship either.
I don't want you walking around thinking that I hate you. I don't really have any feelings about you because I don't know you. To me, you are the mother of SS and SD and that's it. What's interesting is that the kids have told me on numerous occasions over the past 2 years about bad things that you have said about me, and that your ex-BF used to say about me. I have told them my side of the story as well, because it's not fair for you to tell them about things that you were not apart of...just as I would never them things that I know about that you did to damage your marriage to their dad because I wasn't there and wasn't part of your marriage. I only know my fiance's side and he wasn't perfect either. We all know that it takes 2 people to make and break a relationship. I know I'm the perfect scapegoat for you and why your marriage ended, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You say that you have done nothing but encourage the kids to have a relationship with their dad or even me, but your actions at times have proven otherwise, and the kids have said otherwise. It really hasn't mattered though, because despite everything that you said about me to the kids they still like me and I have a close relationship with each of them.
I will still say hello to you at functions, and over the course of our lives together when we see each other at their graduations, wedding showers, baby showers, etc. I will always be respectful of you for the kid's sake. I don't want them having anxiety about "what will happen with mom and SIT". I was hoping that you could do the same for them...that's all.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A condom and a chili pepper
No, this is not a start to a joke about 2 things going into a bar... :)
This is about the sex talk my fiance had with SS14. So, if you are stressing nothing but abstinance in your home...don't read this.
SS14 has a new girlfriend. His first high school girlfriend. She's a year older than him, and is very outgoing and more mature emotionally than SS. Aren't all girls at that age anyway? So, they have started doing the obsessive texting, hanging out, and following each other like puppy dogs. We have always been open with the kids about sex and talking to them about waiting, safe sex, reasons why you should wait, emotions with sex, how birth control and condoms fail, and how just because a girl says she's on the pill doesn't mean you are safe from disease and even pregnancy. My fiance said that he wanted to buy a box of condoms and show him how to use them. We were at the store, and he bought a box of 3. We got home, and my fiance was all ready to have "the talk" but realized we didn't have a banana or cucumber...but we did have a good really sized chili pepper. Oh my god, I was dying!
So, he went to have the talk. He told SS that he was just as embarrassed talking about all of this, but that he wants to make sure that he's fully informed. He told him why he should wait, and other than pregnancy/disease, how it is a big emotional commitment and how it brings a lot of drama into your life. How girls might take it more seriously than boys, and it might increase a reputation with boys but other girls might not want to date him if he sleeps around. He told SS that he would prefer that he waits until after high school, but that if he does decide to have sex that he needs to know how to be protected. Here come the condoms and chili pepper....
They work through all the logistics of putting on the condom in extreme detail. My god man...that poor kid is never going to look at chili peppers again! Bye bye mexican food night :)
Once most of the talk was over, SS tells his dad that BM asked her BF to give him the talk 2 years ago (no longer the same guy around). He said that the BF started telling him about positions and things like that. What a douche bag...and nice that BM asked her BF to talk to him instead of his dad. Perfect example of why she has no right to say anything when I talk to SD about things.
It ended with my fiance telling him that if he can't get condoms or he's too embarrassed to buy them he shouldn't be having sex. HOWEVER, if he is embarrassed he needs to ask him and he will give them to him. He then says, "I'm giving you these 2 other condoms. This is NOT because I want you going out and having sex with everyone. This is for protection if you need it." SS14 says, "dad, it's not like I can sleep with everyone...there are only 2 here." Oh man...teenagers.
This is about the sex talk my fiance had with SS14. So, if you are stressing nothing but abstinance in your home...don't read this.
SS14 has a new girlfriend. His first high school girlfriend. She's a year older than him, and is very outgoing and more mature emotionally than SS. Aren't all girls at that age anyway? So, they have started doing the obsessive texting, hanging out, and following each other like puppy dogs. We have always been open with the kids about sex and talking to them about waiting, safe sex, reasons why you should wait, emotions with sex, how birth control and condoms fail, and how just because a girl says she's on the pill doesn't mean you are safe from disease and even pregnancy. My fiance said that he wanted to buy a box of condoms and show him how to use them. We were at the store, and he bought a box of 3. We got home, and my fiance was all ready to have "the talk" but realized we didn't have a banana or cucumber...but we did have a good really sized chili pepper. Oh my god, I was dying!
So, he went to have the talk. He told SS that he was just as embarrassed talking about all of this, but that he wants to make sure that he's fully informed. He told him why he should wait, and other than pregnancy/disease, how it is a big emotional commitment and how it brings a lot of drama into your life. How girls might take it more seriously than boys, and it might increase a reputation with boys but other girls might not want to date him if he sleeps around. He told SS that he would prefer that he waits until after high school, but that if he does decide to have sex that he needs to know how to be protected. Here come the condoms and chili pepper....
They work through all the logistics of putting on the condom in extreme detail. My god man...that poor kid is never going to look at chili peppers again! Bye bye mexican food night :)
Once most of the talk was over, SS tells his dad that BM asked her BF to give him the talk 2 years ago (no longer the same guy around). He said that the BF started telling him about positions and things like that. What a douche bag...and nice that BM asked her BF to talk to him instead of his dad. Perfect example of why she has no right to say anything when I talk to SD about things.
It ended with my fiance telling him that if he can't get condoms or he's too embarrassed to buy them he shouldn't be having sex. HOWEVER, if he is embarrassed he needs to ask him and he will give them to him. He then says, "I'm giving you these 2 other condoms. This is NOT because I want you going out and having sex with everyone. This is for protection if you need it." SS14 says, "dad, it's not like I can sleep with everyone...there are only 2 here." Oh man...teenagers.
Opening the lines of communication
So, I had my first go at contacting the BM about something for the kids. I wanted to use this as a "test" to see if she would be at all open for communication with me. Even if it was something VERY simple for her kid. It turns out that she cares more about her feelings/issues about there being another woman in her kid's lives that she can't see past anything to help her kids.
It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.
Here are the emails:
My initial email:
Hey BM,
SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.
Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training
Her response:
I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.
My response:
I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.
Her response:
Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.
My response:
I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.
You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.
THE END
So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:
Fiance's email to BM:
BM,
When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.
The best fiance EVER!
Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?
I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.
It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.
Here are the emails:
My initial email:
Hey BM,
SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.
Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training
Her response:
I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.
My response:
I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.
Her response:
Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.
My response:
I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.
You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.
THE END
So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:
Fiance's email to BM:
BM,
When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.
The best fiance EVER!
Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?
I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Expectations
I've been thinking a lot lately about expectations that other people have of us, and the expectations we have of ourselves.
I read a lot of different blogs where women talk about trying to be the superstepmom, and are getting so frazzled and stressed out trying to do so. It got me thinking about all of the expectations that we deal with on a regular basis.
Let's start with the expectations of others. I'm going to talk from only my point of view because that's what I know. These are the people I feel I'm expected to be:
1.) A good person. In general I'm a good person. I've never been arrested, I do charity work, I am a functioning member of society, I'm very protective of those I love. I open doors for people, I try to help friends and family when I can. I pay my bills, I take care of people when they are hurting or sick, and I'm always there for a friend who needs me.
2.) A good friend. Since all friends are different and have different expectations of what a good friend is I'm different friends to different people. I'm sensitive to some, harsher to others, and some friends I just talk to on occasion and have a good laugh together. Each friend expects me to be a certain way, and I have to juggle which person I'm supposed to be when.
3.) A good fiance. I have to be loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, sexy, strong, independent, a good woman to his kids, and the list goes on and on.
4.) A good future wife. Not the same as a good fiance...this is an expectation of what I'm supposed to be like in the future...like I have a crystal ball. All the talk about how I will or won't be in the future can be draining.
5.) A good "almost" stepmom. This applies to so many people. What the kids think of me, what the BM thinks of me, what outsiders think of me. They all have different expectations of what makes a good stepmom, and yet none of them are the same and almost all of them have standards/expectations that are impossible to meet. Some people think I shouldn't be involved too much, some people think I'm not involved enough, and others just judge everything I do or say that if I happen to have an ounce of stress from my life that's it's all my own fault for being in this position. Like I'm never allowed to have a bad day without being blamed for deciding to become a stepmom. The BM has expectations of me. To this day I have no idea exactly what they are because no matter how much I've done for her kids and bend over backwards I've never heard a peep out of her and she still talks crap about me all the time.
6.) A good daughter. I am expected to still act like I'm 13 at times and not worry about my parents. I'm not supposed to worry about their health or lifestyle. I'm not supposed to worry if they are doing harmful things to themselves or others. I'm supposed to just "do what I'm told" as if I'm not a grown woman with my own life. I cannot do this, and I often break down their expectations.
7.) A good sister. I have 3 siblings. 1 I grew up with and 2 that came along in my 20's. I'm supposed to involve them in everything in my life (even though we don't live near each other and we aren't very close). I'm supposed to want them all at my wedding. I don't want kids at my wedding (other than the skids) and that doesn't make me a good sister. I don't really want to invite my closest in age brother to my wedding because not only do we really have no relationship, but has he even called in the past 7-8 months to congratulate me? No. But I am the oldest...I'm supposed to be a good sister and make everyone else happy.
8) A good worker. I bust my ass for my job. I love my job. I just don't always like the people I'm doing my job for. I am expected to agree to take on additional responsibilities and be a "team player", and go above and beyond to be recognized as a good worker. No matter what I do, I rarely hear a "good job" or "thank you". With the economy being as crappy as it is I'm always worried about what's next.
9.) A good weight. I'm a runner. I have been a runner and active for years. I haven't been working out as much since we moved. A few times a week instead of 3-4 or more times a week, but I haven't put on any weight...I've actually lost weight from stress and anxiety. I've always been tall and fairly thin. I like to eat bad food from time to time, and I'm always judged by people when I do. Like I must only be skinny because I don't eat, have an eating disorder, or good genes. God forbid I put on a few pounds. These people are not exactly in the best shape of their lives and really shouldn't worry about me.
10.) A good dog owner. I didn't even like animals. Don't care for pets and never wanted one. Now I have a dog that I love the crap out of. He's so cool, and he needs me to help feed him and walk him and take care of him. We have a dog sitter for when we travel, and I wonder what she thinks of us leaving him. I'm so glad he can't talk to tell me anything he's disappointed...even though I see his looks of shock when I don't let him on the bed or leave him at home alone for too long.
Those are just a few things that seem to be on my plate on a regular basis. It's enough to make a person go mad.
Over several months I've tried to work on not worrying about everyone's expectations so much, and I've come up with what MY expectations are of myself. Those are the only expectations I can control.
1.) To do the best I can with whatever situation is at hand.
2.) I am a good person, so I don't need to worry about being one and that makes me good to those I love. I am human and not perfect. I'll never be perfect, and if people have an expectation of me being perfect THEY are the ones that need to lower their expectation of me or they will be greatly disappointed.
3.) I will eat whatever the fuck I want to eat, and workout when I feel like it. I don't believe in diets and I exercise because I like it...not because it's a chore. When I feel like a good spin class, yoga, a hike, or going for a run I'll do it. It's really no one's concern. If I get super fat and have to buy 2 plane seats like poor Kevin Smith, then it will be my company's concern for when I travel for work.
4.) I am not a mom of a SD12 and SS14...I am a woman who is becoming a stepmom and working through getting to know 2 kids that I have not had the benefit to get to know since before birth. I am bound to make mistakes and no matter how great I am...they (and BM) will always find something wrong with me so why worry about being perfect. I am doing the best I can. I plan things for the kids when I want to, I am thoughtful of them, I listen to them and their feelings, and I treat them with respect. I provide them with the things they need when I can...ie: clothes, food, fun stuff. Really...what more does a parent do anyway? Parents are not miracle workers and neither am I just because other people think I have to doubly or triply prove myself because I'm "not their mom". I'm not trying to make friends...I'm trying to help raise someone else's kids to be functioning adults who will live a happy life of their own.
5.) As for being a good fiance/wife...well, I've made no secrets that I don't love to cook, and I don't love to clean all the time, and my favorite pastime isn't picking up after people. I do always have my family's back and would kill anyone who tried to hurt them. When I love people I love them with everything I have. I'm faithful, thoughtful, respectful, and a partner who shares in 50% of the chores and expenses. That's more than most women I know, and if that's not enough then there isn't much more I can do.
Basically I have realized that it's impossible to please everyone and live up to their expectations and if my entire self worth is based on what others think of me...I have more issues than just too many expectations.
We should all think about what we allow others to expect of us, and then in turn try to lower our expectations of others. No one person can live up to all the things they are expected to be and do, and trying to do so is just exhausting and frustrating. Everyone needs to free themselves from these expectations. Otherwise what are we doing? Just living our life for other people based on their expectations and not our own. We need to take control of our own lives and if you are feeling like you are losing control...do what you need to do to get your life back!
I read a lot of different blogs where women talk about trying to be the superstepmom, and are getting so frazzled and stressed out trying to do so. It got me thinking about all of the expectations that we deal with on a regular basis.
Let's start with the expectations of others. I'm going to talk from only my point of view because that's what I know. These are the people I feel I'm expected to be:
1.) A good person. In general I'm a good person. I've never been arrested, I do charity work, I am a functioning member of society, I'm very protective of those I love. I open doors for people, I try to help friends and family when I can. I pay my bills, I take care of people when they are hurting or sick, and I'm always there for a friend who needs me.
2.) A good friend. Since all friends are different and have different expectations of what a good friend is I'm different friends to different people. I'm sensitive to some, harsher to others, and some friends I just talk to on occasion and have a good laugh together. Each friend expects me to be a certain way, and I have to juggle which person I'm supposed to be when.
3.) A good fiance. I have to be loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, sexy, strong, independent, a good woman to his kids, and the list goes on and on.
4.) A good future wife. Not the same as a good fiance...this is an expectation of what I'm supposed to be like in the future...like I have a crystal ball. All the talk about how I will or won't be in the future can be draining.
5.) A good "almost" stepmom. This applies to so many people. What the kids think of me, what the BM thinks of me, what outsiders think of me. They all have different expectations of what makes a good stepmom, and yet none of them are the same and almost all of them have standards/expectations that are impossible to meet. Some people think I shouldn't be involved too much, some people think I'm not involved enough, and others just judge everything I do or say that if I happen to have an ounce of stress from my life that's it's all my own fault for being in this position. Like I'm never allowed to have a bad day without being blamed for deciding to become a stepmom. The BM has expectations of me. To this day I have no idea exactly what they are because no matter how much I've done for her kids and bend over backwards I've never heard a peep out of her and she still talks crap about me all the time.
6.) A good daughter. I am expected to still act like I'm 13 at times and not worry about my parents. I'm not supposed to worry about their health or lifestyle. I'm not supposed to worry if they are doing harmful things to themselves or others. I'm supposed to just "do what I'm told" as if I'm not a grown woman with my own life. I cannot do this, and I often break down their expectations.
7.) A good sister. I have 3 siblings. 1 I grew up with and 2 that came along in my 20's. I'm supposed to involve them in everything in my life (even though we don't live near each other and we aren't very close). I'm supposed to want them all at my wedding. I don't want kids at my wedding (other than the skids) and that doesn't make me a good sister. I don't really want to invite my closest in age brother to my wedding because not only do we really have no relationship, but has he even called in the past 7-8 months to congratulate me? No. But I am the oldest...I'm supposed to be a good sister and make everyone else happy.
8) A good worker. I bust my ass for my job. I love my job. I just don't always like the people I'm doing my job for. I am expected to agree to take on additional responsibilities and be a "team player", and go above and beyond to be recognized as a good worker. No matter what I do, I rarely hear a "good job" or "thank you". With the economy being as crappy as it is I'm always worried about what's next.
9.) A good weight. I'm a runner. I have been a runner and active for years. I haven't been working out as much since we moved. A few times a week instead of 3-4 or more times a week, but I haven't put on any weight...I've actually lost weight from stress and anxiety. I've always been tall and fairly thin. I like to eat bad food from time to time, and I'm always judged by people when I do. Like I must only be skinny because I don't eat, have an eating disorder, or good genes. God forbid I put on a few pounds. These people are not exactly in the best shape of their lives and really shouldn't worry about me.
10.) A good dog owner. I didn't even like animals. Don't care for pets and never wanted one. Now I have a dog that I love the crap out of. He's so cool, and he needs me to help feed him and walk him and take care of him. We have a dog sitter for when we travel, and I wonder what she thinks of us leaving him. I'm so glad he can't talk to tell me anything he's disappointed...even though I see his looks of shock when I don't let him on the bed or leave him at home alone for too long.
Those are just a few things that seem to be on my plate on a regular basis. It's enough to make a person go mad.
Over several months I've tried to work on not worrying about everyone's expectations so much, and I've come up with what MY expectations are of myself. Those are the only expectations I can control.
1.) To do the best I can with whatever situation is at hand.
2.) I am a good person, so I don't need to worry about being one and that makes me good to those I love. I am human and not perfect. I'll never be perfect, and if people have an expectation of me being perfect THEY are the ones that need to lower their expectation of me or they will be greatly disappointed.
3.) I will eat whatever the fuck I want to eat, and workout when I feel like it. I don't believe in diets and I exercise because I like it...not because it's a chore. When I feel like a good spin class, yoga, a hike, or going for a run I'll do it. It's really no one's concern. If I get super fat and have to buy 2 plane seats like poor Kevin Smith, then it will be my company's concern for when I travel for work.
4.) I am not a mom of a SD12 and SS14...I am a woman who is becoming a stepmom and working through getting to know 2 kids that I have not had the benefit to get to know since before birth. I am bound to make mistakes and no matter how great I am...they (and BM) will always find something wrong with me so why worry about being perfect. I am doing the best I can. I plan things for the kids when I want to, I am thoughtful of them, I listen to them and their feelings, and I treat them with respect. I provide them with the things they need when I can...ie: clothes, food, fun stuff. Really...what more does a parent do anyway? Parents are not miracle workers and neither am I just because other people think I have to doubly or triply prove myself because I'm "not their mom". I'm not trying to make friends...I'm trying to help raise someone else's kids to be functioning adults who will live a happy life of their own.
5.) As for being a good fiance/wife...well, I've made no secrets that I don't love to cook, and I don't love to clean all the time, and my favorite pastime isn't picking up after people. I do always have my family's back and would kill anyone who tried to hurt them. When I love people I love them with everything I have. I'm faithful, thoughtful, respectful, and a partner who shares in 50% of the chores and expenses. That's more than most women I know, and if that's not enough then there isn't much more I can do.
Basically I have realized that it's impossible to please everyone and live up to their expectations and if my entire self worth is based on what others think of me...I have more issues than just too many expectations.
We should all think about what we allow others to expect of us, and then in turn try to lower our expectations of others. No one person can live up to all the things they are expected to be and do, and trying to do so is just exhausting and frustrating. Everyone needs to free themselves from these expectations. Otherwise what are we doing? Just living our life for other people based on their expectations and not our own. We need to take control of our own lives and if you are feeling like you are losing control...do what you need to do to get your life back!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Stepmom Group!
I am so happy to have found a stepmom group where I live. We have met up only a few times, but you can always tell there is an immediate kin-ship with each other knowing we all have something so major in common. It's amazing how different everyone's situations are, but are so similar at the same time. It has been really difficult to have friends that don't really know the kind of issues I have to deal with by becoming a stepmom, and I just wanted to give a quick THANKS and HUGS to all the women I have been meeting along this journey. If you are not part of a group of stepmoms, I HIGHLY recommend you start a group or join a group. It's like great therapy with women who understand you, and you can drink at the same time :)
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