WARNING... I LOVE THE F WORD, SO IF YOU DON'T...DON'T READ
So...with great sadness I am reporting that court did not go well this morning. After 8 months of dealing with filings and waiting for court dates, my FH still has to file AGAIN because the court made a "clerical error" and didn't send him a specific form he needed.
A little background...FH is currently paying close to $2K a month to BM. $1100 is CS and the rest is spousal support. The spousal support was to get her "back on her feet" after 12 years of marriage and her refusing to work once the kids were in fulltime school. Anyway... so, she is now making more money and has had a live in boyfriend for over a year and he decided it was time to request a change. Removal, reduction...whatever. His pay has continued to go down, and her's continues to go up. Well, the judge decided that the alimony will stay untouched because the boyfriend could bail at anytime, and that he's only paying a minimum amount to BM (supposedly) to live there. We all know she lied on her financial statements. Beyond that, she took a pay cut for work right after FH filed this and now the judge is like "well BM is making less than she was". Um, WTF, by her choice in order to avoid having alimony removed. Again...WTF! She's bought a new car, by her choice, but she can "barely" afford it. Give me a fucking break.
In regards to the custody and child support, he used to have EOW and Wednesdays, but after 2 years of doing that the kids kept begging for him to be closer and spend more time with him (BM was mostly leaving the kids alone or with this new BF that is a dirt bag to say the least). So, we put my house up for rent, moved 50 miles to their town and rent a house there. I still drive the 90 miles roundtrip to work though...but no one is compensating me for that are they? No.. anyway, we established a 50/50 schedule back in December that was chosen by the kids. However, BM rufuses to sign off on it legally becuase she doesn't want her child support reduced to about $300 from $1100. Pretty clear it's all about money. Well, today that was supposed to be adjusted and signed off by the judge, BUT the judge forgot to have the clerk include a piece of paper for a petition to change the custody. Although, 3 months ago when this got post-poned another 90 days because BM's paper work wasn't filed AT ALL with the courts prior to the date, the judge requested to do the alimony and custody stuff all at once. Today the fine judge says, "oh, it was a clerical error...so, Mr. You Pay WAY too Much Out Your ASS, you will have to fill out such and such paperwork and refile for a new date. We should be able to see you in 60-90 days." UGH. So, he is still over paying child support. By the time something will be decided we're talking about almost $9,600 OVER what he should be paying. Do you think he'll get reimbursed? Hell no...because the guys are always getting screwed. He pointed out that he splits stuff with me and that he was honest with his financial statement, but the judge said he basically could have claimed that he pays the full amount. So...he can LIE? And a "fiance" can't just walk out anytime apparently, but a boyfriend can? Are you fucking kidding me.
So, basically the court crap still goes on, and BM walks out all smug. Seriously, when is this $$$ bleeding from FH going to end? How many more people can she move into her house to help her pay her bills (she at one time had her sister living there too), and keep living off of FH's money while he can't afford to pay most of his own bills, our wedding, vasectomy reversal, the list goes on and on and on.
There is so much more to what the judge said and what he didn't say, but basically, if he gets a petition he "might" sign it to approve even though BM said in court today "I am fine with 50/50, I just don't want it recognized by the court in case I feel like changing my mind." Um, you have joint custody you tampon string...you don't have sole custody and make all the rules. Somehow even in 2010...judges still buy the bullshit from the BM's. I could puke...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Travel with my SD...awesome!
Sorry I've been so MIA lately. I have been up to my eyeballs in wedding stuff, travel, work...you name it...I'm doing it!
I had the pleasure of having my Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party in the town I grew up in. My mom, stepmom, mother-in-law to be, and friends all live there. I travel there a lot for work, so I was able to extend a work trip into a personal trip for the weekend too.
My SD13 has wanted to go see FH's parents there, but BM won't let them travel without an adult (a totally different story, but no time for that here). So, SD was given the option to travel with me. I booked my work trip, we discussed it with her, and made sure that she was ok with going (she's never been on a plane before and was totally freaked...I think it doesn't help that BM is afraid of flying). She said she really wanted to go, FH talked to BM, she reluctantly agreed to it, and bam...the ticket was purchased.
In the weeks leading up to the trip SD was getting increasingly nervous, but myself and FH fly a lot for work. Enough to have status and my SD and I got upgraded to first class on the way out of town. YAHOOOOOO! A 3 hour trip in first class is always super nice, and this would be a more relaxing way for SD to have her first plane ride. I made a list of stuff for her to pack and sent her an email beforehand (not just because I'm a total control freak, but her mom is a total moron about these things and I was picking her up from BM's house so she'd need to be ready to go). Let's just say that BM told SD that she didn't need to "follow SIT's list" because "she knew better" and SD was missing multiple things I spelled out that she would need. Oh well...not my problem.
We got to the airport and BM kept texting her. I finally asked her, "who do you think is more nervous about this trip...you or BM?" She's like, "mom for sure...she wants me to text her everywhere we are...I'm not nervous anymore, I'm just really excited for a new adventure." Good for you SD that you don't let your freak out mom get the best of you.
I walked her through the process of everything at the airport. Getting your boarding pass, going through security, finding your gate, checking out all the little shops, etc. I wanted her to love the process of travel, people watching, and becoming a grown young woman. She was loving it!
When we boarded the plane she was so excited to be in first class that she started to forget all about being nervous about flying. I talked her through take off, and then let her sit by the window (she thought she wouldn't want to look down so she gave it up at first). I sat there thinking to myself how cool it was that I was the one getting to experience this first time thing, and how she'll remember this for the rest of her life. Maybe from me she will get the love of travel. Lord knows she won't get it from her mom!
By the time we land at our destination, she is elated! She "loves" travel, and is so excited to be there. She is beaming, and almost forgets to call her mom. I made sure she did, and she couldn't stop telling her how "awesome" everything was. She only talked to her for about 5 minutes and then we went on to my in-laws house.
My in-laws are amazing. I have the best relationship with them, and they are so welcoming, funny, loving, and I'm always excited to see them. It's good for SD to see me get along with them...BM never really did.
The next day was my shower where my SD finally got to meet my mom, stepmom, and some friends she'd never met in the 3 years we've been together. She was a little overwhelmed for sure, but I think it was good for her to see a lot of positivity and support for the wedding. I know it was weird but she was nice to everyone and I was happy for her. I think for her to be happy about our wedding means she has to be ok with mom and dad not being together. She will never be happy about that, but she seems to really accept that. It's incredible really.
She spent the rest of her trip with grandma and grandpa while I went out for a crazy night of fun and then worked for 3 days. Then we met back up at the airport and flew home together. We didn't get upgraded (sad I know), but we did get to bond a lot and talk on the way home. I feel like we got a little closer from this trip, and it's a good feeling.
I had the pleasure of having my Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party in the town I grew up in. My mom, stepmom, mother-in-law to be, and friends all live there. I travel there a lot for work, so I was able to extend a work trip into a personal trip for the weekend too.
My SD13 has wanted to go see FH's parents there, but BM won't let them travel without an adult (a totally different story, but no time for that here). So, SD was given the option to travel with me. I booked my work trip, we discussed it with her, and made sure that she was ok with going (she's never been on a plane before and was totally freaked...I think it doesn't help that BM is afraid of flying). She said she really wanted to go, FH talked to BM, she reluctantly agreed to it, and bam...the ticket was purchased.
In the weeks leading up to the trip SD was getting increasingly nervous, but myself and FH fly a lot for work. Enough to have status and my SD and I got upgraded to first class on the way out of town. YAHOOOOOO! A 3 hour trip in first class is always super nice, and this would be a more relaxing way for SD to have her first plane ride. I made a list of stuff for her to pack and sent her an email beforehand (not just because I'm a total control freak, but her mom is a total moron about these things and I was picking her up from BM's house so she'd need to be ready to go). Let's just say that BM told SD that she didn't need to "follow SIT's list" because "she knew better" and SD was missing multiple things I spelled out that she would need. Oh well...not my problem.
We got to the airport and BM kept texting her. I finally asked her, "who do you think is more nervous about this trip...you or BM?" She's like, "mom for sure...she wants me to text her everywhere we are...I'm not nervous anymore, I'm just really excited for a new adventure." Good for you SD that you don't let your freak out mom get the best of you.
I walked her through the process of everything at the airport. Getting your boarding pass, going through security, finding your gate, checking out all the little shops, etc. I wanted her to love the process of travel, people watching, and becoming a grown young woman. She was loving it!
When we boarded the plane she was so excited to be in first class that she started to forget all about being nervous about flying. I talked her through take off, and then let her sit by the window (she thought she wouldn't want to look down so she gave it up at first). I sat there thinking to myself how cool it was that I was the one getting to experience this first time thing, and how she'll remember this for the rest of her life. Maybe from me she will get the love of travel. Lord knows she won't get it from her mom!
By the time we land at our destination, she is elated! She "loves" travel, and is so excited to be there. She is beaming, and almost forgets to call her mom. I made sure she did, and she couldn't stop telling her how "awesome" everything was. She only talked to her for about 5 minutes and then we went on to my in-laws house.
My in-laws are amazing. I have the best relationship with them, and they are so welcoming, funny, loving, and I'm always excited to see them. It's good for SD to see me get along with them...BM never really did.
The next day was my shower where my SD finally got to meet my mom, stepmom, and some friends she'd never met in the 3 years we've been together. She was a little overwhelmed for sure, but I think it was good for her to see a lot of positivity and support for the wedding. I know it was weird but she was nice to everyone and I was happy for her. I think for her to be happy about our wedding means she has to be ok with mom and dad not being together. She will never be happy about that, but she seems to really accept that. It's incredible really.
She spent the rest of her trip with grandma and grandpa while I went out for a crazy night of fun and then worked for 3 days. Then we met back up at the airport and flew home together. We didn't get upgraded (sad I know), but we did get to bond a lot and talk on the way home. I feel like we got a little closer from this trip, and it's a good feeling.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Birthday Shocker!
So, last night we celebrated my upcoming birthday with my skids. Because we don't usually have them for my birthday (by my request to have time alone with my FH for my birthday than with everyone) we celebrate it on a different day. This is the 3rd birthday of mine that I've known the kids for, and the first one they didn't do anything. Last year, they each got me something and we had cake with some prodding from my FH to do so. This year, they went above and beyond!
I got home from work, and SS14 met me at the car and carried my laptop bag in. Wow :) Then I walked into a house filled with streamers and at the end of the hallway my SD13 was waiting in an apron and holding a glass of wine. Thank you very much wine gods, I am shocked as she hands me this :) My FH was fast at work cooking dinner, and my favorite band "Coldplay" was playing on the stereo. My SD tells me to take my shoes off and come into the living room. When I get there she has set up a new foot bath/pedicure thing and has magazines laying on the couch and a foot stool with lotion next to it. She tells me that this is her gift and that she is going to give me a pedicure and massage my feet! NO FREAKIN' WAY! The girl doesn't even like giving me hugs and now she's going to touch my feet! I AM SHOCKED! While I sit back and relax I start thinking about how far things have really come in my relationship with the kids. I actually feel my eyes well up a little bit while I think about how all of my frustration and hardwork is paying off with a loving relationship with my FH and my skids. My fiance even lips to me that this was all her idea and how shocked he is. My SS tops off my wine as it gets low, and after almost an hour of a pedicure/massage dinner is ready. We eat a great meal and then SS gives me my gift. A shakeweight (which I knew it's what he would give me because he loves giving me As Seen on TV gifts that we make fun of...last year was a Snuggie). So, they make me do the 6 minute workout video that comes with it...let me say, that thing is harder than it looks and the chick on the video is creepy as hell. I think it might actually work a little though...
We have my favorite ice cream cake, watch a little Dexter, and my FH and I head to bed. What a great birthday from the skids this year. Seriously...I am one lucky lady!
Today I got up early and bought the kids each their favorite Starbucks and taking them to lunch. Something I had planned already as a surprise for them today, but then last night made me want to do it even more!
I got home from work, and SS14 met me at the car and carried my laptop bag in. Wow :) Then I walked into a house filled with streamers and at the end of the hallway my SD13 was waiting in an apron and holding a glass of wine. Thank you very much wine gods, I am shocked as she hands me this :) My FH was fast at work cooking dinner, and my favorite band "Coldplay" was playing on the stereo. My SD tells me to take my shoes off and come into the living room. When I get there she has set up a new foot bath/pedicure thing and has magazines laying on the couch and a foot stool with lotion next to it. She tells me that this is her gift and that she is going to give me a pedicure and massage my feet! NO FREAKIN' WAY! The girl doesn't even like giving me hugs and now she's going to touch my feet! I AM SHOCKED! While I sit back and relax I start thinking about how far things have really come in my relationship with the kids. I actually feel my eyes well up a little bit while I think about how all of my frustration and hardwork is paying off with a loving relationship with my FH and my skids. My fiance even lips to me that this was all her idea and how shocked he is. My SS tops off my wine as it gets low, and after almost an hour of a pedicure/massage dinner is ready. We eat a great meal and then SS gives me my gift. A shakeweight (which I knew it's what he would give me because he loves giving me As Seen on TV gifts that we make fun of...last year was a Snuggie). So, they make me do the 6 minute workout video that comes with it...let me say, that thing is harder than it looks and the chick on the video is creepy as hell. I think it might actually work a little though...
We have my favorite ice cream cake, watch a little Dexter, and my FH and I head to bed. What a great birthday from the skids this year. Seriously...I am one lucky lady!
Today I got up early and bought the kids each their favorite Starbucks and taking them to lunch. Something I had planned already as a surprise for them today, but then last night made me want to do it even more!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Therapy
Months ago FH and I talked about going to couples therapy. Partially during an argument and then later as a good idea with all the crap we have going on in our lives. Especially with the step-family situation, his divorce, all the divorce in my family, and divorce all around us. We both are committed to making our marriage work, and although we are not yet married (only a few more months) we agreed that seeing a therapist would be a good idea. We don't argue very often but when we do we are both on very different pages, and want to figure out how we can get on the same page in a healthy manor.
We are not religious people so we can't do the church premarital counselling, but through health care plans we can get a certain number of visits and might as well take advantage of it.
Our first session was this week, and we were kind of joking beforehand about it being a little weird to go when we aren't actively in an argument or with some major angry issue looming. My biggest stipulation before picking someone was that the person we went to had to specialize in stepfamilies. There is no way I was going to go to someone who didn't have extensive experience with the different things we deal with. When we got there it was awkward at first and the room was very cozy and welcoming. There is a box of kleenex by the couch, and I'm thinking...I'm not going to need these.
WRONG. We started talking about basic stuff. Our family history, our personalities, our issues, where we are in our relationship, and then she tells us that she is in fact a stepmom herself. PHEW! This is even better. She GETS IT! I am so relieved that I will not have to feel guilty about anything negative I say about the skids. Then she asked me, "how hard is it for you?" She said it in such a sincere way that it made me tear up. I started talking about how hard it is for me to feel like an outsider at times, and uncomfortable in my own home, not having control over schedules and my life. She made me feel really comfortable and even my FH really liked her.
We talked about our arguing styles, him wanting to talk immediately, and me needing time to cool off. She gave us some suggestions on what to do next time (I feel like we need to get in a fight just to see if it works :)). Then we talked about appreciation and showing each other love, and she suggested the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. She said it's really important to know how you receive love and how your partner receives love to make sure that you are doing the right things for each other. Most people do not speak the same "love language". So, we will be picking that book up this weekend and going through it while we don't have the kids.
We left feeling really good about her, and it gave us a lot to talk about. Which we did that night, and without a blow-up over topics :) We will be seeing her every week or so for a little while. I have always recommended that people go to see a therapist when they feel like they really just need some unbiased help. Now that we are doing it, I can see where it could REALLY help other people that I know who are struggling with their marriages. I do think it's important to both like the therapist and feel good about them, and if you don't...find a new one :)
In the end she told us that she felt like we had a really healthy relationship and doing all the right things with the kids, and that we could just use a little "tweaking" on some things that she would help us with.
So glad we are going!!
We are not religious people so we can't do the church premarital counselling, but through health care plans we can get a certain number of visits and might as well take advantage of it.
Our first session was this week, and we were kind of joking beforehand about it being a little weird to go when we aren't actively in an argument or with some major angry issue looming. My biggest stipulation before picking someone was that the person we went to had to specialize in stepfamilies. There is no way I was going to go to someone who didn't have extensive experience with the different things we deal with. When we got there it was awkward at first and the room was very cozy and welcoming. There is a box of kleenex by the couch, and I'm thinking...I'm not going to need these.
WRONG. We started talking about basic stuff. Our family history, our personalities, our issues, where we are in our relationship, and then she tells us that she is in fact a stepmom herself. PHEW! This is even better. She GETS IT! I am so relieved that I will not have to feel guilty about anything negative I say about the skids. Then she asked me, "how hard is it for you?" She said it in such a sincere way that it made me tear up. I started talking about how hard it is for me to feel like an outsider at times, and uncomfortable in my own home, not having control over schedules and my life. She made me feel really comfortable and even my FH really liked her.
We talked about our arguing styles, him wanting to talk immediately, and me needing time to cool off. She gave us some suggestions on what to do next time (I feel like we need to get in a fight just to see if it works :)). Then we talked about appreciation and showing each other love, and she suggested the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. She said it's really important to know how you receive love and how your partner receives love to make sure that you are doing the right things for each other. Most people do not speak the same "love language". So, we will be picking that book up this weekend and going through it while we don't have the kids.
We left feeling really good about her, and it gave us a lot to talk about. Which we did that night, and without a blow-up over topics :) We will be seeing her every week or so for a little while. I have always recommended that people go to see a therapist when they feel like they really just need some unbiased help. Now that we are doing it, I can see where it could REALLY help other people that I know who are struggling with their marriages. I do think it's important to both like the therapist and feel good about them, and if you don't...find a new one :)
In the end she told us that she felt like we had a really healthy relationship and doing all the right things with the kids, and that we could just use a little "tweaking" on some things that she would help us with.
So glad we are going!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
I spoke too soon...
So, yeah...summer break has begun. Well, mostly for SD13 now, because it turns out that SS14 failed his Algebra final which made him fail the class and he will be taking summer school for the entire month of June.
Let me just tee this up for you what bullshit it really is...
SS14 is lazy...and I mean LAZY! He always tries to just coast on by, and thinks that someone will feel sorry for him if things don't go well. Hmmm...wonder where he gets this from (*cough* cough* BM). He's been this way since I've known him, but before it was all about being too lazy to turn in homework. Not because it wasn't done...just because it was SO hard to just pull it out of a folder and hand it in. This year as a freshman we told him that school is going to be harder than K-8 and that he really needs to focus and ask for help when he needs it. He had been struggling with Algebra I, and everyone suggested that he take the tutoring available at school. Well, he didn't. Then Algebra II came around, and he struggled even more. Again, everyone suggested that he see the tutor that was available at school during his free period at least 2-3 times a week. He was turning in his homework...I will give him that, but he wasn't doing well on the tests. So, let's jump ahead to his last day of school. My FH had the pleasure of getting him that day, and the second that SS walked in he could tell something was up. SS finally spilled it that he failed the final and was going to have to take an extension class for a week. Well, he made SS call BM and tell her about it, and then FH and BM talked about what to do about everything. If there is one thing positive I can say about the BM is that she is a hard worker when it comes to school. The woman has multiple degrees, and gets amazing grades. Now only if she could do something with them...oh yeah...don't want to get off topic here :)
Let me just say there is only one thing that brings FH and BM together to agree on anything...and it is SS's lack of giving a shit about his grades or anything else. Thank you SS for getting them to talk nicely to each other after almost a year. Basically here's how it went down...because SS not only lied about saying he used the tutoring more than he did (turns out he only went 2 times right before the final), and he didn't do anything to try to help himself (like I don't know, maybe crack open a book and study once in awhile) BM suggested that this 1 week extension was a cop-out and wanted him to take summer school for Algebra I. That would be $160. Then she called the school and found out he can take Algebra I and II back to back for $320 for the entire month of June. BM and FH are going to split the cost and SS has to work off the entire bill over the summer. So, free chores all summer long! YAHOO! Not to mention that he's grounded from anything other than reading, showering, and breathing. If he complains he gets more time added to his sentence.
Even better still is the fact that BM and her BF were talking about their summer vacation being in June, and she was worried she couldn't take SD and her BF's daughter, and my FH was like, "listen, don't ruin everyone else's summer because SS fucked up. We'll take him that week if we need to and put him to work." We haven't heard back on what she's going to do, but frankly, I hope she goes. SD would really miss out if not, and it would pain SS even more knowing he missed the summer trip. Seriously, nothing else works on this kid so maybe 6 weeks of grounding with 30 hours a week of Algebra will put more of a fire under his ass. If not, nothing will.
So, I think most of the "laughter" is coming from FH and I right now because the kids were with their mom this past weekend, and we had to drop the check off for 1/2 of the summer school fees and low and behold, BM's BF had SS cleaning out the garage. You should have seen SS's face, and him knowing we are all taking so much pleasure is probably the worst part of all.
$320 for summer school
$0 paid for chores all summer
$0 for anything fun for SS for 1/2 the summer
Seeing his face and knowing that on the inside he's cussing up a storm at all of us while we enjoy his misery = Priceless
**oh, and SD13 had great grades and is already enjoying a fun summer**
Let me just tee this up for you what bullshit it really is...
SS14 is lazy...and I mean LAZY! He always tries to just coast on by, and thinks that someone will feel sorry for him if things don't go well. Hmmm...wonder where he gets this from (*cough* cough* BM). He's been this way since I've known him, but before it was all about being too lazy to turn in homework. Not because it wasn't done...just because it was SO hard to just pull it out of a folder and hand it in. This year as a freshman we told him that school is going to be harder than K-8 and that he really needs to focus and ask for help when he needs it. He had been struggling with Algebra I, and everyone suggested that he take the tutoring available at school. Well, he didn't. Then Algebra II came around, and he struggled even more. Again, everyone suggested that he see the tutor that was available at school during his free period at least 2-3 times a week. He was turning in his homework...I will give him that, but he wasn't doing well on the tests. So, let's jump ahead to his last day of school. My FH had the pleasure of getting him that day, and the second that SS walked in he could tell something was up. SS finally spilled it that he failed the final and was going to have to take an extension class for a week. Well, he made SS call BM and tell her about it, and then FH and BM talked about what to do about everything. If there is one thing positive I can say about the BM is that she is a hard worker when it comes to school. The woman has multiple degrees, and gets amazing grades. Now only if she could do something with them...oh yeah...don't want to get off topic here :)
Let me just say there is only one thing that brings FH and BM together to agree on anything...and it is SS's lack of giving a shit about his grades or anything else. Thank you SS for getting them to talk nicely to each other after almost a year. Basically here's how it went down...because SS not only lied about saying he used the tutoring more than he did (turns out he only went 2 times right before the final), and he didn't do anything to try to help himself (like I don't know, maybe crack open a book and study once in awhile) BM suggested that this 1 week extension was a cop-out and wanted him to take summer school for Algebra I. That would be $160. Then she called the school and found out he can take Algebra I and II back to back for $320 for the entire month of June. BM and FH are going to split the cost and SS has to work off the entire bill over the summer. So, free chores all summer long! YAHOO! Not to mention that he's grounded from anything other than reading, showering, and breathing. If he complains he gets more time added to his sentence.
Even better still is the fact that BM and her BF were talking about their summer vacation being in June, and she was worried she couldn't take SD and her BF's daughter, and my FH was like, "listen, don't ruin everyone else's summer because SS fucked up. We'll take him that week if we need to and put him to work." We haven't heard back on what she's going to do, but frankly, I hope she goes. SD would really miss out if not, and it would pain SS even more knowing he missed the summer trip. Seriously, nothing else works on this kid so maybe 6 weeks of grounding with 30 hours a week of Algebra will put more of a fire under his ass. If not, nothing will.
So, I think most of the "laughter" is coming from FH and I right now because the kids were with their mom this past weekend, and we had to drop the check off for 1/2 of the summer school fees and low and behold, BM's BF had SS cleaning out the garage. You should have seen SS's face, and him knowing we are all taking so much pleasure is probably the worst part of all.
$320 for summer school
$0 paid for chores all summer
$0 for anything fun for SS for 1/2 the summer
Seeing his face and knowing that on the inside he's cussing up a storm at all of us while we enjoy his misery = Priceless
**oh, and SD13 had great grades and is already enjoying a fun summer**
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Summer break starts tomorrow!
Wow! I can't believe another school year has come and gone. It feels like it was just last summer when we were taking our first "family" vacation, FH and I got engaged, and before we moved closer to the kids. Our 3rd summer break together already...wow!
A lot has happened during this school year, and although there have been some ups and downs there have been a lot of great changes. Moving closer to the kids was the best decision that we ever made. It sure has been hell at times, and quite an adjustment getting used to having them 50% of the time. The normalcy is so much better. It's no longer these Disneyland Dad type weekends where we have to cram 30 days in a month down to 4. It's amazing how much better the kids are with our relationship, their grades in school have been great, and getting to know them on a regular basis and having their friends over is something you can't even quantify. Both FH and I had reservations about moving an hour away from where we were, to be in the same small town with BM, her BF, and the kids. I have had my freak outs about how much my life has changed and what I've given up, but if I really focus on what I've gained...it's a new family.
This summer we will be doing some traveling again, and spending a lot of time getting ready for the wedding. I'm sure there will be endless friends in and out of the house for pool parties and sleepover. There will be times when I will want to kill them, and times I'll be so happy my house if filled with laughter. Let's just hope for everyone's sake that it's mostly laughter! :)
Happy summer break to all the stepmamas out there who get their houses turned upside down during this time of year!
A lot has happened during this school year, and although there have been some ups and downs there have been a lot of great changes. Moving closer to the kids was the best decision that we ever made. It sure has been hell at times, and quite an adjustment getting used to having them 50% of the time. The normalcy is so much better. It's no longer these Disneyland Dad type weekends where we have to cram 30 days in a month down to 4. It's amazing how much better the kids are with our relationship, their grades in school have been great, and getting to know them on a regular basis and having their friends over is something you can't even quantify. Both FH and I had reservations about moving an hour away from where we were, to be in the same small town with BM, her BF, and the kids. I have had my freak outs about how much my life has changed and what I've given up, but if I really focus on what I've gained...it's a new family.
This summer we will be doing some traveling again, and spending a lot of time getting ready for the wedding. I'm sure there will be endless friends in and out of the house for pool parties and sleepover. There will be times when I will want to kill them, and times I'll be so happy my house if filled with laughter. Let's just hope for everyone's sake that it's mostly laughter! :)
Happy summer break to all the stepmamas out there who get their houses turned upside down during this time of year!
The end of a friendship
I've been quiet from posting for several weeks because my bridesmaid for my upcoming wedding and I have parted ways.
Ok, that's saying it nicely. The facts are this...she had been married less than 2 years to a guy with a kid (so she was a fellow stepmom) when he said "I just don't feel like being married anymore" and left her. There had been rumors flying around since before she even married him that he was cheating on her. Frankly the guy has always made me sick, BUT it was my friend's husband and I didn't have to be married to him so I really never said anything. However, when all signs were pointing to him cheating on her I had to tell her. She of course was in denial and made a million excuses for this loser. The thing of it all is that we all worked together. Friend, her husband, his girlfriend, and me. Well, in my job I have to work with hundreds of people and they all wanted to keep telling me stuff and gossip it all out to me. I did my best to stay neutral and protect my friend even when it has put me in a bad spot with my job. Unfortunately it is now almost a year since he's moved out and she still thinks they might work it out. Ok, he lives with his girlfriend, and sure he hasn't filed divorce paperwork, but come the fuck on...it's over. He won't go to therapy, won't break up with the girlfriend, and really other than not filing (which I think he has alterior financial motives for why he's not filing) he's not giving her any reason to believe that he's coming back. I gave her a lot of time to join reality and see that he was no good for her and continuing to pine after him was no good for her. One night I had texted her telling her that I was sorry if I was taking my frustration with people gossiping at work about her on her, and that I hoped that one day she would be able to move past everything and have a better life. She didn't want to speak to me after that (which I'm still not exactly sure what I said that made her that upset). After 2 weeks of not speaking to me or telling me why she was upset I sent her a long email like an intervention where I pointed out what she's doing to herself and how unhealthy it is to keep at the rate she's going. How she can't continue on the way that she was, and that after this much time I can no longer sit around and listen to her act like she is a victim when she was not willing to stand up for herself, protect herself financially, or face up to the truth.
Let me be clear. We weren't just co-workers. We had been friends for nearly 6 years. We started out as co-workers, but then over the years it evolved into spending a lot of time together, going on trips together, spa days together, spending holidays at each other's houses with each other's family. That kind of friend (in my opinion) needs to hear the truth sometimes that they don't want to hear. Not just sugar coating. It's like dealing with a drug addict, but this douche bag is her drug. After quite some time you start to really lose respect for a woman like that who is willing to be a punching bag, but then whine about it. Especially since this started over 2 years ago with his lying and cheating and being an absent husband. This didn't just happen yesterday.
Eventually she refused to talk and only responded that she no longer wanted to be friends. So, on with the wedding plans without her. All the other girls coming to my wedding and family have really stepped up to fill in for anything she was involved in. It's been refreshing to see people be so willing to help out.
Some might think that I was too blunt, and others might think I did exactly what I needed to do by saying what I said after biting my tongue for so long. Either way, it doesn't really matter because the friendship is over. I don't really need negative friends like that, and I certainly can't be the fake friend who sits around acting like what she's doing is totally healthy and normal. I feel sad for her that she has chosen to live the way she is, but I'm also happy that I won't have to tiptoe around about my wedding and happy things in my life because I don't want to upset her.
Will I miss her? Of course I'll miss her. She was like family to me. She was my first stepmom friend and helped me get comfortable with dating a guy with kids. I also ran my first 1/2 marathon with her, and asked her to be in my wedding...the most important day in my life so far. Unfortunatly, a lot of things that held us together (which was mainly the stepmom thing) were no longer something we had in common and it did make it awkward to talk to her about things with my skids thinking that it might hurt her feelings because she no longer talks to her skid. Some friendships are meant to just be during a certain time in your life, and it looks like this is just one of those.
Ok, that's saying it nicely. The facts are this...she had been married less than 2 years to a guy with a kid (so she was a fellow stepmom) when he said "I just don't feel like being married anymore" and left her. There had been rumors flying around since before she even married him that he was cheating on her. Frankly the guy has always made me sick, BUT it was my friend's husband and I didn't have to be married to him so I really never said anything. However, when all signs were pointing to him cheating on her I had to tell her. She of course was in denial and made a million excuses for this loser. The thing of it all is that we all worked together. Friend, her husband, his girlfriend, and me. Well, in my job I have to work with hundreds of people and they all wanted to keep telling me stuff and gossip it all out to me. I did my best to stay neutral and protect my friend even when it has put me in a bad spot with my job. Unfortunately it is now almost a year since he's moved out and she still thinks they might work it out. Ok, he lives with his girlfriend, and sure he hasn't filed divorce paperwork, but come the fuck on...it's over. He won't go to therapy, won't break up with the girlfriend, and really other than not filing (which I think he has alterior financial motives for why he's not filing) he's not giving her any reason to believe that he's coming back. I gave her a lot of time to join reality and see that he was no good for her and continuing to pine after him was no good for her. One night I had texted her telling her that I was sorry if I was taking my frustration with people gossiping at work about her on her, and that I hoped that one day she would be able to move past everything and have a better life. She didn't want to speak to me after that (which I'm still not exactly sure what I said that made her that upset). After 2 weeks of not speaking to me or telling me why she was upset I sent her a long email like an intervention where I pointed out what she's doing to herself and how unhealthy it is to keep at the rate she's going. How she can't continue on the way that she was, and that after this much time I can no longer sit around and listen to her act like she is a victim when she was not willing to stand up for herself, protect herself financially, or face up to the truth.
Let me be clear. We weren't just co-workers. We had been friends for nearly 6 years. We started out as co-workers, but then over the years it evolved into spending a lot of time together, going on trips together, spa days together, spending holidays at each other's houses with each other's family. That kind of friend (in my opinion) needs to hear the truth sometimes that they don't want to hear. Not just sugar coating. It's like dealing with a drug addict, but this douche bag is her drug. After quite some time you start to really lose respect for a woman like that who is willing to be a punching bag, but then whine about it. Especially since this started over 2 years ago with his lying and cheating and being an absent husband. This didn't just happen yesterday.
Eventually she refused to talk and only responded that she no longer wanted to be friends. So, on with the wedding plans without her. All the other girls coming to my wedding and family have really stepped up to fill in for anything she was involved in. It's been refreshing to see people be so willing to help out.
Some might think that I was too blunt, and others might think I did exactly what I needed to do by saying what I said after biting my tongue for so long. Either way, it doesn't really matter because the friendship is over. I don't really need negative friends like that, and I certainly can't be the fake friend who sits around acting like what she's doing is totally healthy and normal. I feel sad for her that she has chosen to live the way she is, but I'm also happy that I won't have to tiptoe around about my wedding and happy things in my life because I don't want to upset her.
Will I miss her? Of course I'll miss her. She was like family to me. She was my first stepmom friend and helped me get comfortable with dating a guy with kids. I also ran my first 1/2 marathon with her, and asked her to be in my wedding...the most important day in my life so far. Unfortunatly, a lot of things that held us together (which was mainly the stepmom thing) were no longer something we had in common and it did make it awkward to talk to her about things with my skids thinking that it might hurt her feelings because she no longer talks to her skid. Some friendships are meant to just be during a certain time in your life, and it looks like this is just one of those.
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