Long car rides = Too Much Information!

Sorry for the delay in posting this...

So, the morning of our trip we set out for a 6 hour car ride. I was under the impression it was more like 5 hours, but who's counting? Surprisingly the kids were fairly bright-eyed and ready to go. It must be something to do with the excitement of vacation...because they are never awake and happy before 11am most times.

To be completely honest, I actually look forward to this kind of time with the love of my life and the kids. We do a lot of talking, laughing, and joking around. It's time where everyone gets to know each other even more, and we are bonding and building new memories together. Memories that include me, and us together as our new crazy family :)

During car rides we always end up discussing things we normally don't. With a 12 and 13 year old this can really mean anything! For one, the boy brings up when a woman's clock is ticking. What he doesn't realize is that he's talking about a woman's sexual peak. Here's how the conversation goes:

The boy, "so, I hear that a woman's clock starts ticking at about 35. You are 31 which means it's going to happen soon."

Me, "no, the clock should be ticking now. I thought you don't want us to have a baby...have you changed your mind?"

The boy, "no, I still don't want you to have a baby. But a guy's clock starts ticking at 18"

Me, "um...I think you are talking about something else...there is no way a guy wants to start having babies at 18".

At this point I realize what he is talking about, and I bust out laughing...

Me, "oh Boy, you are talking about sexual peak. Which is when men and woman most want to have sex. A clock ticking is about having babies."

The boy, "oh....(awkward silence)...so, when you are 35 I'm going to be 18."

EWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Me, "um, that is correct, but you really shouldn't be thinking of me that way."

Did I say EEWWWWWWWWWWWW??????????

The boy, "yeah, my mom would really not be happy about that."

Me, "no shit, and neither would I or your dad."

The girl, "this is sick...I'm so embarrassed"

Good times...

Better topics included gossip about the BM.

Supposedly she has all of these amazing things planned for the last week of summer before they go back to school. A trip to the Grand Canyon, paintballing, shopping, etc. We'll see how much of that happens. What's funny is all the new rules that have been put into action since the BM's boyfriend has moved in.

#1.) The new diet. So, we all know about how the BM put the girl on a Lemonade Detox Diet, but now the whole "family" is starting a fresh diet of nothing but organic meats and veggies. No snacks, no treats, nothing. Not ever. What's funny is how the kids talk about how horrible it is. I agree that they should be eating better, but we all know that a major radical change is not going to last. Plus, they are kids...they should have some treats here and there. When the love of my life points this out the girl says, "well, we do get a treat...we get to have a sweet potato once a week with brown sugar on it." Ahahahahahahahaha. He says, "yeah, that's the same thing as cake. Would you like a sweet potato for your birthday?" This became the new joke for the week. Anytime someone would mention getting ice cream or something, we would say, "would you like a sweet potato instead?" Funny that no sweet potatoes were eaten on vacation.

#2.) The new chores for allowance. At our house we have been offering the kids allowance on weekends and full weeks they are with us. They each have a few things on their list that are reasonable for the amount of time they are with us, and they get paid if they complete without being asked. At home they now have this new chart. They each have a very long list of chores that need to be done EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not weekends, but Monday through Friday. The only thing not on the list is cleaning the BM's bedroom and bathroom. Otherwise, all of the yard maintenance, full house dusting, taking care of pets, vacuuming, dishes, their rooms and bathroom, etc are all on the list. The chores all have to be done by 7pm and to the BM's satisfaction or they don't get paid. The pay is $5 a day. This would be a great deal for the kids ($100 a month per kid) if it wasn't for these few facts.

• The boy has an extracurricular activity on Monday nights. The girl is usually not home then either.


• Wednesday nights they spend with their dad.


• Every other Friday night they will be with their dad.


• The BM and the boyfriend are essentially doing nothing to take care of the house.

The best part is the boy tells us, "yeah, mom's BF told mom that if we didn't do one thing right we shouldn't get paid for the entire week. We were like..."shut up buddy". Then last week we started on Monday and on Thursday night mom says, "you know you aren't getting paid this week...it's just a trial week"...we were ripped off." So, of course they didn't do anything on Friday since they knew they weren't getting paid. Then the girl said, "well, they did take us to Olive Garden for dinner." The boy was like, "um, I wanted my $25, not a pasta dinner." The love of my life says, "well, that's nice...the $50 they should have paid you for chores actually took her and the BF out to dinner...good job guys." They are still bitter about it. I think it's funny that she's trying to pony up $200 a month for chores to the kids, but she can't even get the girl a $15 bathing suit. The only way she's offering that kind of money is because she knows she won't have to pay it. What a bitch...

Another great car ride moment:

A song the kids love: "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann. They love to sing "wrapped up like a douche." What kid doesn't laugh at that? Actually, what adult doesn't still think he's saying douche? I've either been hanging around them too long, or I'm 13 also...I can't stop giggling.

Thank god we finally made it to our destination. We stretched our legs, headed into my uncle's house, and hit the pool!

Stay tuned for some highlights and memorable moments from our first family vacation!

A (not so) perfect start to the last week of summer vacation!

The weekend started off with me getting in from a work trip at 8pm, and the airline had lost my luggage. The love of my life had dropped the kids off at the roller rink (per their request to go without him) before picking me up. We headed home and waited to hear about my bag. It said something about arriving at 11pm so we were going to get the kids at 11pm and then go back to the airport. Around 9:45pm the BM calls the love of my life. For an hour she's yelling at him about how irresponsible he is and that she is uncomfortable with them being at the roller rink without him. She then starts yelling at him about the following:

- dropping them off at the mall for a few hours in the afternoon
- standing outside of a small shop while they are looking at stuff inside
- having them run a bag to the car at at a store while he was in their vision
- letting them go next door to swim with the neighbor's granddaughter, because she thought it was just some 40 some year old guy living there alone that we sent the kids to play with.

Great communication by the kids...never trust that the kids are telling the full story of things to the BM, or that the BM is actually a rational human being.

She goes on and on about people getting raped in malls and how she's not letting them do stuff like that until they are 15. 15??? Are you kidding me? They are 12 and almost 14 now. The love of my life says "they have more of a chance of something happening walking to school alone and being alone at home all of the time". She's like "I can't help that...I can't change my job". Then she is freaking out about how she doesn't want us leaving the kids in the ocean alone during our vacation and stupid crap that would never happen. Where exactly is she most of the time with the kids? Not with them...yet, the love of my life is trying to give them a little bit of freedom here for their age and there and he's the horrible parent. Ok...

Then the detox and health stuff for the girl came up, and she says "I'm almost certified in nutrition, I know what I'm doing". Yeah, ok...almost would already be a problem, but she's not even "almost", and I don't think her little voodoo medicine to cure everything with tea tree oil counts. The girl had told us that the detox wasn't that bad, and she only drank it in the morning for 2 days. "It helped her start her diet." (Let me tell you what that diet consisted of while she was on vacation. Jack in the Box, pizza, ice cream, Mexican food, Starbucks, etc. I'm pretty sure it's all against the rules.) Then the love of my life asks the BM why she won't get the girl the HPV shot, and she goes on with this long dissertation of how HPV is made up by the dr's and pharm companies to make money and she is not going to give her a shot that could leave her unable to have kids. Even if it was a vaccine for HIV she wouldn't give it to them because it would cause them to get HIV. Ok... Then somehow she starts in about mammograms and how she never gets them or would never get them because they damage your breast tissue and can give you cancer. Is this chick for real?

So, let's just say that it was interesting to actually hear her crazy talk from sitting next to the love of my life. I really know he's not making this crap up.

We went and got the kids, and the love of my life has a conversation with the girl about why she's calling her mom instead of him. If she's too scared or something he had told her he would come get her. Instead...she calls her mom who is an hour away to say that dad abandoned us. He has a long talk with them about how they are getting older and they need to start taking on more responsibilities and additional freedom. How he doesn't want them living a scared and sheltered life like their mother, and at his house they are going to be allowed to do things they might not be allowed to do at home. He also tells him that if he gets another earful from their mother about the subject these freedoms will end. If they have any issues with anything at all they should discuss them with him first. Their mother is not his mother.

We go to the airport to get my bag (thank god it was there). Get home, do laundry, finally go to bed around 2am. Get up at 7am, get ready, and head out for a 6 hour drive.

Tune into my next installment... Long car rides = Too Much Information!

2 weeks down, 2 to go!

We close out the 2nd week (out of 4) for the summer with the love of my life's kids.

The week started off with a very nice Father's Day. We picked them up from their house and went to breakfast. Let's note that for Mother's Day...the BM couldn't even bother to show up at our house to pick up the kids as promised at 7am to go to breakfast, and instead sent her boyfriend (over an hour late) to get them and then didn't do anything with them for the day as promised. There was no way that we would be late picking them up. When you promise the kids that you are coming to get them and take them to breakfast...you do it.

The rest of the week was mostly filled with typical stuff. The boy failing a test for an extracurricular activity he's involved in, getting grounded, bitching, etc. The girl, questioning every move we make, or putting her 2 cents into every single conversation. Typical teenage stuff as it goes. Well, other than the boy staring at my chest or butt every 5 seconds. Now, I know that he's 13...and I'm totally hot (just kidding), but seriously...I'm going to be your stepmom. Ewe. The love of my life says it's normal, but even he is getting sick and tired of seeing the boy try to stare down my shirt every chance he gets.

When we have the kids we are pretty much doing stuff with them all the time. We take walks together, watch movies together, play games together, spend a lot of time talking and laughing. What I get really sick of is how they talk about how the BM can't do anything with them because she's "too busy working", "too tired", "not feeling well", "has no money". It's bullshit, and I'm sick of the poor mom crap. I'm not their mom, and I do more with them than their mother ever does or will. For the people reading my blog that are not stepmoms, but are as you call yourselves "real moms"...please remember that you decided to have a kid. Spend time with them, be interested in what they do, make time for them even when you don't feel like it. Life moves too fast and co-existing does NOT count as "spending time together".

For example, the girl bought this book about how to make crafts out of recycled goods. We sat down together for hours just working on making things together. This is one of the sweet times together when she's not looking at me like, "you're not my mom".

This year they also took part in celebrating my birthday. Last year you would have thought it was an unreasonable request for them to do something for me. However, if I didn't do something for them for their birthday's...holy shit...the world would fall apart. This year the love of my life made sure to have them participate which to my shock they did not object. They got excited about it, and got me 2 gifts...#1.) a back massager. No, this is not a vibrator, but an actual back massager. The second gift (that they promised was "the most thoughtful") was a Snuggie. Now, we do joke around about how retarded the Snuggie is a lot, but did I think that would be the "thoughtful" gift. No, but they were really excited and it was funny as hell. Thank god they got me a tan/brown one and not monk red. Now we need to just wait for it not to be 110 degrees outside!

A few other things to note:

Games you should NOT play with teenagers:
1.) Twister - for obvious reasons we no longer play this. If you don't understand why...think back to my comment about the boy looking down my shirt and staring at my ass.
2.) Scrabble SLAM - seems like a harmless game, but it's based on 4 letter words. 13 year old boys love to start the game with the word COCK...supposedly "like the rooster". uh huh

The only thing that still works with teenagers:
1.) Bribery - "if you don't fight with each other all week, we'll have a special day at the end of the week" This shit still works. Take it while you can...

Conversations that always happen:
1.) Anything in regards to sex or the changing of their bodies - do we always need to talk about masturbation or periods? Yes...yes we do. I encourage everyone to have an open relationship with any kids around them about these things, but sometimes they will say more than you bargained for. "Dad, what does it mean when they say you can go blind from touching yourself too much?" First, stop choking on whatever you are eating/drinking. Second, think of a clever answer that doesn't make him feel like a Catholic kid who grows up with sexual issues. Their dad's answer, "well, am I blind? No? Well, then...carry on". Just when you think the conversation has ended...it hasn't. "So dad, how old are you when you stop?" Dad, "um, I wasn't aware you ever really stop." The boy, "you mean, you don't stop when you get married?" Dad, "I'm pretty sure you do it more when you're married". Ah...one of life's little lessons :)
2.) They will always tell you things that the BM says behind your back or their dad's back that will infuriate you. Things like, "dad, mom said that you are an irresponsible parent". It's always because of something that SHE did that she's trying to take any kind of attention away from her for. Another personal favorite..."mom, I don't like your boyfriend being around all the time, can we get just a little time alone with you?" Her response, "that's a double standard because your dad lives with someone." Um yeah, and I gladly retreat to a bar, a spa day, my room, or any other quiet padded room when they are here sometimes in order for them to get time alone with their dad. She will blame her own bad parenting on anyone else other than herself, and usually it has to do with your man or you, and she makes it known to the kids.

And then, the time in the week everyone looks forward to...the last day. Sunday! The kids are looking forward to going home to sleep in their own beds and not on an air mattress, and to not have "so many rules". We are looking forward to having some alone time, aka: sex, sleeping, watching what we want to watch. Everyone stares at the clock watching the minutes turn into seconds as it nears 8pm. The BM should be here any minute. Will she? OF COURSE NOT...because she's ALWAYS late. ALWAYS. God forbid she wants to see her kids on time after not seeing them for over a week. Now, the best part is how she has given the "poor me" talk to the kids over and over. "We can't go to the movies, I can't take you to dinner, we can't go for a walk because my back hurts." What has she done all week while the kids are with us? Movies, the mall, dinner, taking walks with the BF. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't have a life. Please god...DO have a life, you will then be less of a whine bag to the love of my life which means that he will be happier. But for crying out loud...don't tell your kids that you have NO TIME to do things, but the second they aren't there start doing all the stuff they beg you to do.

Me...I have a big mouth sometimes. "So, you're telling me that your mom has time for all this stuff when you are gone? That's really nice. You should talk to her about that..." Then again, maybe that is my own little way of making her 45 minute car ride (that she claims costs her $20 a trip to make) very uncomfortable. Like the uncomfortable 45 minutes we had to endure while we sat around and waited for her to finally show up.

A little bit of background...

Let me start by saying...

I love my life! I love the "love of my life" and his kids! However, this has not always been the case.

At 29 years old I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought I did. When I met the "love of my life" we worked together and were friends first. He told me everything about his baggage and responsibilities. I knew he had 2 kids (pre-teens), but I thought "what's the big deal? I love kids, and kids love me." The part I didn't really think about was that they were another woman's kids. Not the kind of woman who is your sister, your aunt, or your best friend...an ex-wife. This means that the kids already have a mom, and no matter what you do or say...they will never let you forget that.

Believe me, I get it. I don't want to be their mom. They have a mom already that they love very much and should. Figuring out how our part-time family fits together though...that is one hell of an adventure!

That is where this blog comes in. We've been living together with the kids every other weekend and 1/2 the summers for over a year now. I know there are some crazy stories from the past year that I don't have posted here, but there are so many more to come!

With so many stepmoms out there, I have only been lucky enough to have one of the most amazing stepmoms as a friend of mine. She has helped me through this crazy transition of life, and I could never survive it without her, our drinks, and our spa days! You know who you are, and I love you!!!

To the love of my life: Thank you for being so supportive, caring, and level headed when I'm not. You have been the best partner one could ask for, and I look forward to our entire journey! I love you more than you will ever know!