Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The BM and the BF

Let me start by saying that I can't understand why the BM is so needy of SD's attention. She texts her all the time, and acts as though she can't live without her. She doesn't do this of SS since he has basically let her know she needs to back off a bit. She is so annoying with her "oh baby I love you and miss you so much" crap. Really? It's been a few hours since she came to our house. You could have spent time with her last night but you don't give a shit about your kids...why do you care when they leave for our house? Because you are a manipulative psycho.

Ok...so onto a new thing. We have looked at the public family court case records for our state and found that the BM's BF has not only 1 kid but at least 3 kids to 2 different wives and a lover. Yet, they only know about one. Also, he's younger than he has claimed or at least told the kids he is. Wow...talk about the whole Stepfather movie coming close to home. I struggle with the idea of telling the kids what we found and just leaving it be. One case we found on him included some domestic abuse stuff. So...was this beating the wife? The kid? What? Should the BM and the kids be informed of this information...or worse, does the BM actually know and not give a shit about person she has moved into her home?

It drives me crazy that the kids think he's some super stand up honest guy, but he obviously has at least lied to them if not lying to them and their mom about how many kids he has and who he really is.

The BM makes all these horrible statements about us, and how bad dad or me are and it drives me crazy to know that her own BF isn't exactly who he says he is. I knew something was off when he moved in only a few months after starting to date. What 31 year old guy is moving in with a 40 year old divorced women of 2 teenagers if something isn't going on. Now we know, but are torn with what to do with the information...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

How to Be A Stepmom’s Friend by Jacque Fletcher

Because I blasted another post by Jacque I will give her a positive shout out for this one:

How to Be A Stepmom’s Friend

http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/05/how-to-be-a-stepmoms-friend/

My Dear Stepmothers: Please pass this post along to your best friends, sisters, mothers, cousins, or anyone else you go to for support.

How to Be a Stepmom’s Friend

When I first became a stepmother, my best friend listened to me talk about what it was like to becoming a stepmom. I dished to her all my fears and feelings. Yes. ALL. The stepmothers who are reading this before sending it along to friends are cringing right now. Because often when a stepmother tells the truth of what she’s feeling to someone who is not a stepmom, she hears responses such as the following:

-How could you hate a kid?
-What do you mean you don’t love your stepchildren?
-You knew what you were getting into when you married him / moved in with him / decided to date a man with kids.
-Why do you need alone time? Don’t you want to be with your family 24/7?
-You sound like a wicked stepmother.
-Shouldn’t you be at your stepchild’s soccer game?
-Why would you go to your stepchild’s soccer game? You’re only her stepmom.

What a stepmother’s friends don’t typically know is that the hard feelings we have as we become stepmoms are a normal part of stepfamily development. But since this is not common knowledge, stepmothers are often made to feel like crazy, evil, heartless, and stupid women by the very people who love them most. And that makes the job of becoming a stepmother, more difficult.

If you’re friends with a stepmom, here are some tips to help you stay friends as she blossoms into stepmotherhood.

Have an open heart policy. Even if you’re a whiz at active listening, pay attention to how you offer your new stepmom friend a shoulder to cry on. Try to listen to her feelings with an open heart and mind. Even if she says she hates the six year old who knocks on her newlywed bedroom door every night, please don’t judge her. Instead merely say something like, “I’m sorry honey. That sounds like it’s really hard for you.”

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume your friend is still the generous, kind, loving woman she was before she became a stepmother. Becoming a stepmom can knock a woman to her knees, especially if she has challenging stepchildren who are openly hostile. Even when she voices things that you don’t understand or agree with, consider voicing this thought: “I don’t really understand what you’re going through because I’ve never been a stepmother, but I love you and support you no matter what.”

Remind her of who she is. No matter how long your friend has been a stepmother, she needs to be reminded of who she is outside of her stepmom role. Help her remember what she’s like when she’s happy and light-hearted. Take her out to do things that you both love that don’t involve husbands or kids or stepchildren.

Read a book about stepmotherhood. Consider this quote by a reader who reviewed my book, A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom. “I am not a stepmom or a stepdaughter but my best friend is both. There was no way for me to understand the kinds of issues she faced as they courted and got married and built their new family; this book makes it all so clear.” Whether you read my book or one by another author, you would do your friendship a great service if you learned about the normal phases of stepmother development.

Support her positivity. Don’t let your friend just vent to you about all the negative aspects of stepmotherhood without touching on the positive parts. A stepmother needs to be armed with optimism if she’s going to make it to the finish line. So help her remember the many reasons she loves her husband and what she feels she’s done well.

No one dreams of becoming a stepmother but now that your friend is one or is about to become one, she will need you more than ever. On behalf of your friend, I thank you for your willingness to love and support her. If I were in your presence right now I would give you a standing ovation!

And to my own dear friend. Thank you so much for listening to me with an open heart. You always make me feel supported and understood even when you disagreed with me. I love you!

Love,Jacque

http://www.becomingastepmom.com/

Well said Jacque...well said!

Stepmother's Bill of Rights

So, tonight while catching up on some blog reading I came across a recent post from Jacque Fletcher on her blog "http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/"

I have read much of what she has written, and have always felt she is right on target with what she says. However, this recent post really struck a nerve and I felt the need to make my own comments about it. First, here is her post:

http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/a-stepmom-bill-of-rights-dangerous-to-stepfamilies/

Here you can see just one of my rebuttles to this:

***The fact that anyone is still talking about how step-parents need to basically just “suck it up and deal with it” just keeps step-families from progressing. To say that step-parents should ALWAYS get their way is obviously never going to happen, and I don’t think we demand control. What we should be demanding is a discussion and respect that we live in the same household and should have a say in how things run.

#1. It says “MY marriage and family”. MY is the key word. In MY house why should I not expect that my husband will come to me to discuss things that will change MY marriage and family? Things like moving, custody changes, financial changes should be discussed…if not, why are you even getting married??

#2. These times WILL happen. Anyone living in a step situation (and frankly any “regular” family feels this as well) knows that it is impossile to control all members of a family. However, she is really caught up that stepmoms live in a “fantasy” world by believing it might be too much to ask to be consulted/notified. We have my fiance’s kids 50% of the time…for me to expect that 50% of my life is going to be run by everyone else is unacceptable.

#3. I have always read this as “hey listen, if you aren’t going to let me discipline or put my foot down with the kids…don’t expect me to bend over backwards for them either.” I think that’s plenty fair. I am not going to be driving them to/from their activities, buying their clothes and lunches, doing laundry for them, etc. if I have no say in setting the limits in the house. Ie: cell phone use, talking back, chores, etc. Yes Jacque…let’s be doormats instead.

#4. You write this as if we are talking about terms previously set up before we came into the picture. I’m pretty sure this is about changes made. I accepted that we would have his kids every other weekend when we started dating and living together. Then he talked about 50/50 and WE discussed it and how it would affect me also before fully moving forward. This should not be unreasonable to have a say. Will you get your way all the time no…but you never do in life in general. Do you think that so many of the marriages that end from a second marriage might have something to do with the fact that the step-parent might be treated as less than a partner and gets sick of it and bails? Hmmm…maybe the focus here should be on how to better discuss these situations with the hubby that you feel like a doormat instead of telling women to just keep taking it and eventually you’ll be so worn down that you’ll be numb to the fact that your husband doesn’t think your feelings matter. Great advice…

#5. Oh, ok…she agrees about this one.

#6. You’ve GOT to be kidding me with this one! Child support is understandably a legal agreement that was in place or can change from time to time. HOWEVER…things like clothing, phones, cars, extra curricular expenses, etc. should be discussed with your spouse. Considering that many stepmom’s paychecks go into the family you can not expect her to not want to have a say if unusual/unanticipated expenses come up. Oh, you’re right…”honey, I know that you already pay money in child support to help with those things and can barely help pay all the household bills…but go right ahead and buy whatever your kids need.” You are out of your mind if you think we shouldn’t have a say in how money goes out of the house.

#7. Ok, again…she agrees.

#8. Again, MY home. MY HOME is the key. I had this same issue, and it never really goes away, BUT I have discussed with my fiance and his kids that “hey, this is MY home too, and I deserve to be comfortable here. I can watch TV in my living room too, even if you are here, I don’t have to go in the other room and be treated like I don’t belong. You wouldn’t like it and neither do I.” We all know we aren’t blood, but my home is where I relax and escape work and all sorts of things…I am not going to feel like I don’t want to be in my own home.

#9. She agrees! Great…she wants respect, but contridicts that in most of these points.

#10. YAY..she agrees…OH WAIT…she just contridicted herself again. This is like a summary to everything above which is basically saying, “hey…we are married and we vowed to be there for each other for better or worse and that means we should put the marriage first to make sure it’s healthy enough to deal with all the good and bad that will roll our way.” If you agree with this, then you should be agreeing with 1-9 of all other things that are basics about being part of this marriage.

To sum this up, these are points that should be discussed BEFORE getting married to someone with kids. My fiance and I discussed this when I first came across it many months ago. It helped us to see if we were both on the same page for these issues. Although you can’t just follow this so called bill of rights to a tee, it is great for opening up communication about these points. Especially for those women struggling with the decision of marrying a man with kids or not.

Sorry for my rant, but this really turned my stomach!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hello 2010!

To all of my blog followers I am so sorry for my little blogcation...I just needed a well deserved break from all of the steppie drama!

A few updates: Christmas was great! We had the kids Christmas Eve this year, and had a blast! I took another stepmom's advice on dinner ideas for Christmas Eve and we did a surf and turf night. The kids love crab and steak so we splurged! This year was the second year of us sharing Christmas together and the love of my life always gives them money to buy me a gift. This year they were even more thoughtful than last year. Not only did they get me things that I would like, but they also got me cards and wrote something nice in each one. I got pretty teared up that they were so nice...even if they don't realize how much it meant to me.

I had also written them letters and put them in their cards about how much I love them and I'm glad they have accepted me into their lives. I could tell they were really touched by my letters. We just get closer each year, and all of my patience and hard work are really paying off!

They spent Christmas with their mom, but came back for almost a week after that.

For New Year's we got to get out of town just my fiance and I. We went to visit my uncles and we went to a friend's wedding. The wedding got us excited about our wedding that's coming up in October. We hadn't really planned anything yet, and kept pushing it off until after the holidays. Well, the holidays are over, and the planning has started! We picked a place, and just when we thought it was "the one" and sent in a check...we found a different place that we can have our ceremony and reception at the same place. We immediately fell in love with the place we have now picked, and we were able to get our money back for the first place! I have no idea how the place where we will get married slipped through all of our research, but I'm glad we came across it! Not only did we find a great place, but in the process I have found an amazing photographer that I'm super excited to work with!

My SD12 is very excited and helping with cake, dresses, and a candy table. That seems to be the way to the girl's heart! We have honestly been having a great time with the planning, and the kids have been great! SS14 is excited because he is the best man and excited about his speech (which will be pre-read by grandpa to make sure it's all appropriate).

One other thing that I have to mention is that the love of my life had to go to mediation because the BM won't sign the 50/50 paperwork...they are now doing a 90 day trial of the 50/50 and at the end the court will help to make the decision if she still won't sign.

She won't sign because she knows she'll get less money in child support even though it's in the best interest of the kids. The kids are so happy with the 50/50 arrangement. Their grades are better than ever, and they are normal healthy teenagers. Living close is uncomfortable at times, but overall it is better for all of us. My relationship with them has gotten better 110% by being able to spend normal time with them instead of just every other weekend. The BM is still a pain in the ass, but that will never change. The kids stand up to her more, and they are speaking up for what they want instead of what mom wants all the time.

For now...things are good! Hope everyone else enjoyed their holidays!