Monday, September 26, 2011

Movie: The Other Woman - My Official Review

Ok, so since this title had been going around a lot recently I had ordered it from the library and with hubby out of town I sat down tonight to watch it on my own.

Boy o boy, break out the Kleenex! I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who has not seen it, but I am going to put a disclaimer that this movie is more about grieving the loss of a baby while also being part of a step family. I didn't think so much of the movie would surround that, but it did. So, warning to all of the other stepmoms who have recently lost babies like myself or those of you that are pregnant right prepared.

There are so many things that are dead on for me in this movie that really have nothing to do with the fact that their relationship started as an affair. Things like how others might treat you different when they find out you are the "step"mom. How the kids repeat hurtful things BM says about you. How BM acts like you mean nothing, and how the skid thinks everything mom says is gospel and you are wrong. Also the skid loves to point out that her family is not his family. There were times I found myself thinking "yep, been there". I think it also shows that the skids aren't always out to be mean or hurtful to us, and that stepmoms and stepkids can make their own type of relationship.

What you see in this movie is a woman struggling as a stepmom and losing her first baby. She struggles with her stepson possibly even more so because of her loss. I would say that it is as close of an accurate portrayal of the situation as I've ever seen in a movie to how I have felt personally. I think that it is a movie that shows the ups and downs and people trying to find their way in all of this. The BM is portrayed much more harshly than the stepmom, but that's what people would assume anyway of a woman scorned right? A mega-bitch.

So, take my review with whatever you will. If you decide to see the movie I think that you will finish it with a lot of food for thought.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Awkward and insensitive

I'd like to put this out there as more of a public service announcement...

Just because my husband has kids doesn't mean it is open for constant discussion if I do or do not want to have my own kids.  It does not mean that you can ask me all the time if I plan to have my own kids and then give your opinion as to what you think I should do with MY life. 

It is also not necessary to ask a woman of a certain age (in my 30's) all the time about her plans for children.  Honestly, you have no idea what someone might be going through and don't feel like sharing that with you.

Over the past couple of days I have been asked close to 35 times...NO JOKE...something in regards to having kids.  "Hey, how's married life? How come you aren't pregnant by now?"  "So, what's the deal, are you guys going to have kids together or not?"  "Um, you wouldn't plan to have kids together with his only a few years from turning 18 would you?"  I'm here to tell you that these things are NONE of your business.  Seriously, if someone is going to have a'll know.  She'll either tell you or you will see her protruding belly.  Also, if she's not sharing the info with's most likely because she doesn't want to tell you that kind of private information.

I told a friend a few years ago that she should never ask people about having kids because they could be trying to with poor results and the question could upset them further.  That it's not a question people should be asking.  Now that I am that person that seems to be getting asked ALL the time while trying to get through my own personal emotional nightmare...I want to scream at them, "yeah you stupid son of a bitch...we are spending thousands of dollars on IVF, and I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, but thanks for keeping the wound nice and fresh for me asshole."  Instead, I try to smile and say, "well, you know...if it happens it happens" and then go cry in private later.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

And now for the SS15 negative...

Last week I posted a positive about SS15, but then this weekend he said something that got me steaming.

Another stepmom friend of mine came over this weekend with her SD14 and newborn 3 month old son. Her and I were having a discussion about how hard a baby is and they truly require so much from she misses having a hot meal, a long shower, sleep, etc. I said something like, "it really proves how much we sacrifice to have children". My SS says from across the room, "oh TS like you are really one to talk you've never had to sacrifice anything!". I take in what he just said and try to choose my words before going off in a fit of rage. I say, "excuse me? I haven't had to sacrifice anything? Are you serious? I have sacrificed my entire way of life for the 2 of you and you aren't even my kids. Don't you EVER say something like that to me ever again."

This happened 2 days ago and I'm still pissed about it. Is this really how they see us? As these women who what...had no life or something and wanted all this bullshit? That we just sat around waiting for a guy with a psycho ex and a few ungrateful kids to come along to make our lives insane? I swear, the past 4 years I have done more and SACRIFICED more for these kids than their own mother has/does. This just proves that unless you rip open your vagina and give birth all you are is just dad's sidekick.

I'm curious what you all feel you have sacrificed or given up by being a stepmom. Here's some of mine:

1) Giving up my house an hour away to live in the sticks so they could have 50/50 because mom wouldn't dare move. I have no friends in this town, no local places I like, and it takes me at least an hour to get to my office or airport instead of 15 minutes.
2) money, lots and lots of money (including lots of gas in my car for driving them all over the place)
3) being a newlywed without kids
4) a major decrease in my sex life
5) my individuality because I'm being compared to someone else all the time
6) a portion of my self esteem because I am never good enough no matter how hard I try
7) a clean house
8) being able to have privacy in my own home
9) knowing what it's like to start a family for the first time with someone
10) being able to create a baby by making love instead of with science because my husband had a vasectomy after already having 2 kids with a piece of shit woman

These are just 10 things and I will force myself to stop there or I could end up with 100.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

SS15 Positive

I had to share this...
My SS is almost 16 and learning how to drive. We have a 50/50 custody plan, and got the skids last night after 5 days. I was dreading it as usual because I never know how they are going to come back after being with their mom for 5 days.

Last night after dinner DH took him out driving. They come back about an hour later and I was in our bedroom. I asked DH how it went and he said "not good" that SS's driving was not good and that he yelled at him a couple of times. I felt bad but moved on doing my thing. A few minutes later I went to go move clothes from the washer to the dryer and SS asks me if he can talk to me outside. He is visibly upset. We go out back and he's shaking and on the verge of tears and starts telling me that he's having a hard time driving with dad and dad makes him so nervous. He tells me about what DH is doing that is freaking him out, "giving him too many directions at once, raising his voice, directing and not teaching". He says he is afraid to talk to DH about it because he is afraid he will get defensive. (this is true...DH can get really defensive if you tell him he's not doing something right). SS said it was so bad that he started crying and didnt want to drive back to the house. Which he didn't.

SS starts asking me what he should do, how he can make things better, and also tells me that he prefers driving with me because I'm calmer. He wants to know if I can go next time and see if he's overreacting about dad or if I have any other pointers. I told him I will go with them tonight and see. Then I talked to him about what my dad did when I was learning to drive and that I was scared shitless, that learning to drive is exciting and scary and you will have good days and bad days. At the end he said, "thanks for talking to me I feel a lot better."

I have to say that it felt really good that he wanted to talk to me. He didn't call his mom which is what he normally does. He actually seeker me out when he was scared and upset. I think this says a lot about how he views me, and it really put a smile on my face.