No, this is not a start to a joke about 2 things going into a bar... :)
This is about the sex talk my fiance had with SS14. So, if you are stressing nothing but abstinance in your home...don't read this.
SS14 has a new girlfriend. His first high school girlfriend. She's a year older than him, and is very outgoing and more mature emotionally than SS. Aren't all girls at that age anyway? So, they have started doing the obsessive texting, hanging out, and following each other like puppy dogs. We have always been open with the kids about sex and talking to them about waiting, safe sex, reasons why you should wait, emotions with sex, how birth control and condoms fail, and how just because a girl says she's on the pill doesn't mean you are safe from disease and even pregnancy. My fiance said that he wanted to buy a box of condoms and show him how to use them. We were at the store, and he bought a box of 3. We got home, and my fiance was all ready to have "the talk" but realized we didn't have a banana or cucumber...but we did have a good really sized chili pepper. Oh my god, I was dying!
So, he went to have the talk. He told SS that he was just as embarrassed talking about all of this, but that he wants to make sure that he's fully informed. He told him why he should wait, and other than pregnancy/disease, how it is a big emotional commitment and how it brings a lot of drama into your life. How girls might take it more seriously than boys, and it might increase a reputation with boys but other girls might not want to date him if he sleeps around. He told SS that he would prefer that he waits until after high school, but that if he does decide to have sex that he needs to know how to be protected. Here come the condoms and chili pepper....
They work through all the logistics of putting on the condom in extreme detail. My god man...that poor kid is never going to look at chili peppers again! Bye bye mexican food night :)
Once most of the talk was over, SS tells his dad that BM asked her BF to give him the talk 2 years ago (no longer the same guy around). He said that the BF started telling him about positions and things like that. What a douche bag...and nice that BM asked her BF to talk to him instead of his dad. Perfect example of why she has no right to say anything when I talk to SD about things.
It ended with my fiance telling him that if he can't get condoms or he's too embarrassed to buy them he shouldn't be having sex. HOWEVER, if he is embarrassed he needs to ask him and he will give them to him. He then says, "I'm giving you these 2 other condoms. This is NOT because I want you going out and having sex with everyone. This is for protection if you need it." SS14 says, "dad, it's not like I can sleep with everyone...there are only 2 here." Oh man...teenagers.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Opening the lines of communication
So, I had my first go at contacting the BM about something for the kids. I wanted to use this as a "test" to see if she would be at all open for communication with me. Even if it was something VERY simple for her kid. It turns out that she cares more about her feelings/issues about there being another woman in her kid's lives that she can't see past anything to help her kids.
It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.
Here are the emails:
My initial email:
Hey BM,
SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.
Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training
Her response:
I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.
My response:
I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.
Her response:
Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.
My response:
I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.
You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.
THE END
So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:
Fiance's email to BM:
BM,
When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.
The best fiance EVER!
Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?
I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.
It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.
Here are the emails:
My initial email:
Hey BM,
SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.
Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training
Her response:
I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.
My response:
I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.
Her response:
Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.
My response:
I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.
You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.
THE END
So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:
Fiance's email to BM:
BM,
When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.
The best fiance EVER!
Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?
I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Expectations
I've been thinking a lot lately about expectations that other people have of us, and the expectations we have of ourselves.
I read a lot of different blogs where women talk about trying to be the superstepmom, and are getting so frazzled and stressed out trying to do so. It got me thinking about all of the expectations that we deal with on a regular basis.
Let's start with the expectations of others. I'm going to talk from only my point of view because that's what I know. These are the people I feel I'm expected to be:
1.) A good person. In general I'm a good person. I've never been arrested, I do charity work, I am a functioning member of society, I'm very protective of those I love. I open doors for people, I try to help friends and family when I can. I pay my bills, I take care of people when they are hurting or sick, and I'm always there for a friend who needs me.
2.) A good friend. Since all friends are different and have different expectations of what a good friend is I'm different friends to different people. I'm sensitive to some, harsher to others, and some friends I just talk to on occasion and have a good laugh together. Each friend expects me to be a certain way, and I have to juggle which person I'm supposed to be when.
3.) A good fiance. I have to be loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, sexy, strong, independent, a good woman to his kids, and the list goes on and on.
4.) A good future wife. Not the same as a good fiance...this is an expectation of what I'm supposed to be like in the future...like I have a crystal ball. All the talk about how I will or won't be in the future can be draining.
5.) A good "almost" stepmom. This applies to so many people. What the kids think of me, what the BM thinks of me, what outsiders think of me. They all have different expectations of what makes a good stepmom, and yet none of them are the same and almost all of them have standards/expectations that are impossible to meet. Some people think I shouldn't be involved too much, some people think I'm not involved enough, and others just judge everything I do or say that if I happen to have an ounce of stress from my life that's it's all my own fault for being in this position. Like I'm never allowed to have a bad day without being blamed for deciding to become a stepmom. The BM has expectations of me. To this day I have no idea exactly what they are because no matter how much I've done for her kids and bend over backwards I've never heard a peep out of her and she still talks crap about me all the time.
6.) A good daughter. I am expected to still act like I'm 13 at times and not worry about my parents. I'm not supposed to worry about their health or lifestyle. I'm not supposed to worry if they are doing harmful things to themselves or others. I'm supposed to just "do what I'm told" as if I'm not a grown woman with my own life. I cannot do this, and I often break down their expectations.
7.) A good sister. I have 3 siblings. 1 I grew up with and 2 that came along in my 20's. I'm supposed to involve them in everything in my life (even though we don't live near each other and we aren't very close). I'm supposed to want them all at my wedding. I don't want kids at my wedding (other than the skids) and that doesn't make me a good sister. I don't really want to invite my closest in age brother to my wedding because not only do we really have no relationship, but has he even called in the past 7-8 months to congratulate me? No. But I am the oldest...I'm supposed to be a good sister and make everyone else happy.
8) A good worker. I bust my ass for my job. I love my job. I just don't always like the people I'm doing my job for. I am expected to agree to take on additional responsibilities and be a "team player", and go above and beyond to be recognized as a good worker. No matter what I do, I rarely hear a "good job" or "thank you". With the economy being as crappy as it is I'm always worried about what's next.
9.) A good weight. I'm a runner. I have been a runner and active for years. I haven't been working out as much since we moved. A few times a week instead of 3-4 or more times a week, but I haven't put on any weight...I've actually lost weight from stress and anxiety. I've always been tall and fairly thin. I like to eat bad food from time to time, and I'm always judged by people when I do. Like I must only be skinny because I don't eat, have an eating disorder, or good genes. God forbid I put on a few pounds. These people are not exactly in the best shape of their lives and really shouldn't worry about me.
10.) A good dog owner. I didn't even like animals. Don't care for pets and never wanted one. Now I have a dog that I love the crap out of. He's so cool, and he needs me to help feed him and walk him and take care of him. We have a dog sitter for when we travel, and I wonder what she thinks of us leaving him. I'm so glad he can't talk to tell me anything he's disappointed...even though I see his looks of shock when I don't let him on the bed or leave him at home alone for too long.
Those are just a few things that seem to be on my plate on a regular basis. It's enough to make a person go mad.
Over several months I've tried to work on not worrying about everyone's expectations so much, and I've come up with what MY expectations are of myself. Those are the only expectations I can control.
1.) To do the best I can with whatever situation is at hand.
2.) I am a good person, so I don't need to worry about being one and that makes me good to those I love. I am human and not perfect. I'll never be perfect, and if people have an expectation of me being perfect THEY are the ones that need to lower their expectation of me or they will be greatly disappointed.
3.) I will eat whatever the fuck I want to eat, and workout when I feel like it. I don't believe in diets and I exercise because I like it...not because it's a chore. When I feel like a good spin class, yoga, a hike, or going for a run I'll do it. It's really no one's concern. If I get super fat and have to buy 2 plane seats like poor Kevin Smith, then it will be my company's concern for when I travel for work.
4.) I am not a mom of a SD12 and SS14...I am a woman who is becoming a stepmom and working through getting to know 2 kids that I have not had the benefit to get to know since before birth. I am bound to make mistakes and no matter how great I am...they (and BM) will always find something wrong with me so why worry about being perfect. I am doing the best I can. I plan things for the kids when I want to, I am thoughtful of them, I listen to them and their feelings, and I treat them with respect. I provide them with the things they need when I can...ie: clothes, food, fun stuff. Really...what more does a parent do anyway? Parents are not miracle workers and neither am I just because other people think I have to doubly or triply prove myself because I'm "not their mom". I'm not trying to make friends...I'm trying to help raise someone else's kids to be functioning adults who will live a happy life of their own.
5.) As for being a good fiance/wife...well, I've made no secrets that I don't love to cook, and I don't love to clean all the time, and my favorite pastime isn't picking up after people. I do always have my family's back and would kill anyone who tried to hurt them. When I love people I love them with everything I have. I'm faithful, thoughtful, respectful, and a partner who shares in 50% of the chores and expenses. That's more than most women I know, and if that's not enough then there isn't much more I can do.
Basically I have realized that it's impossible to please everyone and live up to their expectations and if my entire self worth is based on what others think of me...I have more issues than just too many expectations.
We should all think about what we allow others to expect of us, and then in turn try to lower our expectations of others. No one person can live up to all the things they are expected to be and do, and trying to do so is just exhausting and frustrating. Everyone needs to free themselves from these expectations. Otherwise what are we doing? Just living our life for other people based on their expectations and not our own. We need to take control of our own lives and if you are feeling like you are losing control...do what you need to do to get your life back!
I read a lot of different blogs where women talk about trying to be the superstepmom, and are getting so frazzled and stressed out trying to do so. It got me thinking about all of the expectations that we deal with on a regular basis.
Let's start with the expectations of others. I'm going to talk from only my point of view because that's what I know. These are the people I feel I'm expected to be:
1.) A good person. In general I'm a good person. I've never been arrested, I do charity work, I am a functioning member of society, I'm very protective of those I love. I open doors for people, I try to help friends and family when I can. I pay my bills, I take care of people when they are hurting or sick, and I'm always there for a friend who needs me.
2.) A good friend. Since all friends are different and have different expectations of what a good friend is I'm different friends to different people. I'm sensitive to some, harsher to others, and some friends I just talk to on occasion and have a good laugh together. Each friend expects me to be a certain way, and I have to juggle which person I'm supposed to be when.
3.) A good fiance. I have to be loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, sexy, strong, independent, a good woman to his kids, and the list goes on and on.
4.) A good future wife. Not the same as a good fiance...this is an expectation of what I'm supposed to be like in the future...like I have a crystal ball. All the talk about how I will or won't be in the future can be draining.
5.) A good "almost" stepmom. This applies to so many people. What the kids think of me, what the BM thinks of me, what outsiders think of me. They all have different expectations of what makes a good stepmom, and yet none of them are the same and almost all of them have standards/expectations that are impossible to meet. Some people think I shouldn't be involved too much, some people think I'm not involved enough, and others just judge everything I do or say that if I happen to have an ounce of stress from my life that's it's all my own fault for being in this position. Like I'm never allowed to have a bad day without being blamed for deciding to become a stepmom. The BM has expectations of me. To this day I have no idea exactly what they are because no matter how much I've done for her kids and bend over backwards I've never heard a peep out of her and she still talks crap about me all the time.
6.) A good daughter. I am expected to still act like I'm 13 at times and not worry about my parents. I'm not supposed to worry about their health or lifestyle. I'm not supposed to worry if they are doing harmful things to themselves or others. I'm supposed to just "do what I'm told" as if I'm not a grown woman with my own life. I cannot do this, and I often break down their expectations.
7.) A good sister. I have 3 siblings. 1 I grew up with and 2 that came along in my 20's. I'm supposed to involve them in everything in my life (even though we don't live near each other and we aren't very close). I'm supposed to want them all at my wedding. I don't want kids at my wedding (other than the skids) and that doesn't make me a good sister. I don't really want to invite my closest in age brother to my wedding because not only do we really have no relationship, but has he even called in the past 7-8 months to congratulate me? No. But I am the oldest...I'm supposed to be a good sister and make everyone else happy.
8) A good worker. I bust my ass for my job. I love my job. I just don't always like the people I'm doing my job for. I am expected to agree to take on additional responsibilities and be a "team player", and go above and beyond to be recognized as a good worker. No matter what I do, I rarely hear a "good job" or "thank you". With the economy being as crappy as it is I'm always worried about what's next.
9.) A good weight. I'm a runner. I have been a runner and active for years. I haven't been working out as much since we moved. A few times a week instead of 3-4 or more times a week, but I haven't put on any weight...I've actually lost weight from stress and anxiety. I've always been tall and fairly thin. I like to eat bad food from time to time, and I'm always judged by people when I do. Like I must only be skinny because I don't eat, have an eating disorder, or good genes. God forbid I put on a few pounds. These people are not exactly in the best shape of their lives and really shouldn't worry about me.
10.) A good dog owner. I didn't even like animals. Don't care for pets and never wanted one. Now I have a dog that I love the crap out of. He's so cool, and he needs me to help feed him and walk him and take care of him. We have a dog sitter for when we travel, and I wonder what she thinks of us leaving him. I'm so glad he can't talk to tell me anything he's disappointed...even though I see his looks of shock when I don't let him on the bed or leave him at home alone for too long.
Those are just a few things that seem to be on my plate on a regular basis. It's enough to make a person go mad.
Over several months I've tried to work on not worrying about everyone's expectations so much, and I've come up with what MY expectations are of myself. Those are the only expectations I can control.
1.) To do the best I can with whatever situation is at hand.
2.) I am a good person, so I don't need to worry about being one and that makes me good to those I love. I am human and not perfect. I'll never be perfect, and if people have an expectation of me being perfect THEY are the ones that need to lower their expectation of me or they will be greatly disappointed.
3.) I will eat whatever the fuck I want to eat, and workout when I feel like it. I don't believe in diets and I exercise because I like it...not because it's a chore. When I feel like a good spin class, yoga, a hike, or going for a run I'll do it. It's really no one's concern. If I get super fat and have to buy 2 plane seats like poor Kevin Smith, then it will be my company's concern for when I travel for work.
4.) I am not a mom of a SD12 and SS14...I am a woman who is becoming a stepmom and working through getting to know 2 kids that I have not had the benefit to get to know since before birth. I am bound to make mistakes and no matter how great I am...they (and BM) will always find something wrong with me so why worry about being perfect. I am doing the best I can. I plan things for the kids when I want to, I am thoughtful of them, I listen to them and their feelings, and I treat them with respect. I provide them with the things they need when I can...ie: clothes, food, fun stuff. Really...what more does a parent do anyway? Parents are not miracle workers and neither am I just because other people think I have to doubly or triply prove myself because I'm "not their mom". I'm not trying to make friends...I'm trying to help raise someone else's kids to be functioning adults who will live a happy life of their own.
5.) As for being a good fiance/wife...well, I've made no secrets that I don't love to cook, and I don't love to clean all the time, and my favorite pastime isn't picking up after people. I do always have my family's back and would kill anyone who tried to hurt them. When I love people I love them with everything I have. I'm faithful, thoughtful, respectful, and a partner who shares in 50% of the chores and expenses. That's more than most women I know, and if that's not enough then there isn't much more I can do.
Basically I have realized that it's impossible to please everyone and live up to their expectations and if my entire self worth is based on what others think of me...I have more issues than just too many expectations.
We should all think about what we allow others to expect of us, and then in turn try to lower our expectations of others. No one person can live up to all the things they are expected to be and do, and trying to do so is just exhausting and frustrating. Everyone needs to free themselves from these expectations. Otherwise what are we doing? Just living our life for other people based on their expectations and not our own. We need to take control of our own lives and if you are feeling like you are losing control...do what you need to do to get your life back!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Stepmom Group!
I am so happy to have found a stepmom group where I live. We have met up only a few times, but you can always tell there is an immediate kin-ship with each other knowing we all have something so major in common. It's amazing how different everyone's situations are, but are so similar at the same time. It has been really difficult to have friends that don't really know the kind of issues I have to deal with by becoming a stepmom, and I just wanted to give a quick THANKS and HUGS to all the women I have been meeting along this journey. If you are not part of a group of stepmoms, I HIGHLY recommend you start a group or join a group. It's like great therapy with women who understand you, and you can drink at the same time :)
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