I travel for my job sometimes, and have found over the past several months that I'm always sitting next to a step-parent. It's funny how it happens, but I do. I'm not much of a talker on planes. I really like to put my headphones on and read a book, sleep, or stare out the window. I use it as "me" time, but every once in awhile I get in a conversation with my seatmate. Somehow in conversation it comes up. Usually when I mention that I'm marrying someone with kids. Then they start with their stories. Here are a few I've wanted to share.
#1.) Woman about 48 years old. Didn't have her own kids, and had full custody of 2 kids that she came into the picture as teenagers. She said, "oh honey, you are going to have some really tough teenage years, but I promise you that it will get better. Always remember that. I have grandkids from them now and there is nothing more amazing than being their kid's grandma. The kids and I have wonderful relationships, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Don't ever let the kids tear you and your husband apart...they might try, and you will fight because of them. Don't give them the satisfaction. Have great girlfriends that you can talk to and vent to...they will be your life line sometimes." She had a lot of advice, but was really happy and optimistic. I like these stories. They remind me that things don't always have to be hard.
#2.) Man about 47-49 years old. In a second marriage with 2 kids of his own and 2 kids of hers. He took a job and moved out of the state his sons live in and is full time with his new wife and her 2 kids. He talked about major regrets about not being close to his own kids and how much it has damaged his relationship with them. As teenagers they don't even want to come visit for holidays or breaks because they feel like a stranger in their dad's life. They are also VERY jealous that he is raising "her" kids instead of them...his own. His stepsons and him don't get along very well, and he travels for work as much as possible to stay away. He was a very very nice man with what seemed like a lot of regrets. His advice was, "stay as close and as involved with the stepkids as possible. Don't let your husband give up on a relationship with them. The kids need him more than he might realize, and it will later hurt him. Things don't end at 18...only legal issues with the ex end at 18. 18 is when they will have more choices of the relationship they will have with you and their dad...make sure they still want that relationship. Fight for it. I didn't." I felt really sorry for him, and told him it's never too late and he should tell his kids how he feels. Apparently I'm an airplane therapist...one step-parent at a time.
#3.) Man about 42 years old. He married an older woman (8 years older) who had a son. He came into the picture when the kid was about 9. Dad was a deadbeat and as a stepdad he had to step in. He said that he made bad mistakes with bad mouthing the dad too much and the stepson lost respect for him. He ran his mouth too much about, "your dad didn't care enough to do everything I do for you...he's not even around...you need to listen to me". Eventually by teenage years stepdad and son were getting in physical fights. A lot of screaming and yelling and putting the son up against a wall. The man never had kids of his own and said he felt like it was up to him to do everything to put the kid in line. He later said that once he backed off a little and let mom be the primary disciplinarian things got easier. Today the son is about 21 I think he said, and they watch football and have a few drinks together. They talk about how crazy those times were and have a great relationship now.
So, from these stories it seems like if you do the right thing and love the kids eventually it all has a way of working itself out. Your own kids are hard enough, but stepkids can be impossible at times.
People who have been through it and come out the other side alive give me hope. 2 out of 3 stories have been good so far with some good lessons from the story not as positive. Odds aren't so bad!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thanksgiving
This year was our first official Thanksgiving with the kids since last year they were with their mom. We had them from Wednesday night until Sunday night AND my dad came in from out o town for the week as well. This was the first time that he met the kids. I was really happy that my dad made the effort to meet the kids and spend the holiday with us. It meant a lot to me and to the love of my life and the kids. None of my immediate family has made an effort to meet the kids over the past 2 years, and now that we are getting married it's even more important for the kids to see that my family cares about them too. I always worry that when we have a baby together that the kids will see my family ooohhh and aaaahhhh over their grandkid, but not treat them the same. It makes me a little sad for them that my friends and family will never really treat them the same as my "bio" kids, and I try to lessen the blow as much as possible.
We had a great day that started very early with doing a run/walk for a great cause, and I was so proud that the kids have really taken to doing things for charity and to help others. They never complain and they feel great after doing it. We got my dad in the mix too, and when we got home we all made a big breakfast together! We relaxed, and watched a movie during the day and then had dinner. Since I was doing the main cooking I asked the kids to pick something they would each like to make and contribute to the meal. They seemed to put a lot of thought and pride into making their dishes. The meal went off with almost no issues...until I left the pumpkin pie in the oven for an accidental 2 hours! They all teased me, but thank god it wasn't the turkey! I just bought a pie the next day and all was forgiven :)
The rest of the weekend we hung out, went to the movies, had a friend over, took a few drives, hiked, played games, went to the gym, and relaxed. I think my dad was REALLY bored at times because he's a very restless man who likes to be going going going all the time, but we all really wanted to spend quality time together for 4-5 solid days. By the end of the weekend the kids said they really liked my dad and that he was nice to them, and my dad said they were good kids and that he was glad he came.
I couldn't have asked for a better Thanksgiving!
We had a great day that started very early with doing a run/walk for a great cause, and I was so proud that the kids have really taken to doing things for charity and to help others. They never complain and they feel great after doing it. We got my dad in the mix too, and when we got home we all made a big breakfast together! We relaxed, and watched a movie during the day and then had dinner. Since I was doing the main cooking I asked the kids to pick something they would each like to make and contribute to the meal. They seemed to put a lot of thought and pride into making their dishes. The meal went off with almost no issues...until I left the pumpkin pie in the oven for an accidental 2 hours! They all teased me, but thank god it wasn't the turkey! I just bought a pie the next day and all was forgiven :)
The rest of the weekend we hung out, went to the movies, had a friend over, took a few drives, hiked, played games, went to the gym, and relaxed. I think my dad was REALLY bored at times because he's a very restless man who likes to be going going going all the time, but we all really wanted to spend quality time together for 4-5 solid days. By the end of the weekend the kids said they really liked my dad and that he was nice to them, and my dad said they were good kids and that he was glad he came.
I couldn't have asked for a better Thanksgiving!
Lots of time with the kids!
Sorry that I've been so lax in my posts lately! There has been so much mama drama with the BM, but it's all worked itself out at this point (as much as any BM drama can be worked out). She was constantly holding visitation time over the love of my life's head and him and the kids finally got fed up. The kids asked for a sit down meeting with them and both parents so that they could tell them the visitation they want and want everyone to stick to. It's 50/50 but now with set nights during the week and every other weekend. Before she was "letting" him see the kids when it worked for her, and the kids were sick of never knowing what was going on. This is what we wanted in a schedule, but she wouldn't agree and kept insisting to let the kids make the decision. Well, IN YOUR FACE!!!, the kids made their decision and it was exactly what we knew they would want...a more structured schedule. Not only did the love of my life and the kids get what they wanted, but the kids also listed some of their new rules for their parents. Mostly everything was about not bad mouthing each other or putting them in the middle (which the kids kept saying wasn't really aimed at dad but more at mom), and then they talked about wanting quality time spent with them when they are around. Again...not an issue with dad, but with mom. They told her how they were tired of hearing her excuses of being busy or tired, and that sitting around watching movies while she sleeps on the couch is not quality time. It seems like she was shocked that they finally spoke up and put her in her place. They also made many comments about her inability to be a mature adult and be nice to me and their dad. She rings the bell and runs to the car when she picks them up, she never says hello, and is always talking shit about us. The kids see that we are always nice to her and her BF even if she's rude to us. She's making herself look like crap and the kids are finally taking notice.
So, now we have a set schedule that is in the middle of being filed with the courts. The kids have told them both that if they can't make it happen, they will have no problem telling the courts what they want. I think we've turned a major corner here! The kids are finally sticking up for their dad and standing up for what they believe is right. Now that we know exactly what days we have them and he doesn't have to talk to the BM all the time and fight about it...things have calmed down considerably in our house. It's so great that he can now tell her to just shove it when she tries to punish him by not seeing the kids. No more caving to her every whim, and the kids seem more settled.
Right now...times are good!!
So, now we have a set schedule that is in the middle of being filed with the courts. The kids have told them both that if they can't make it happen, they will have no problem telling the courts what they want. I think we've turned a major corner here! The kids are finally sticking up for their dad and standing up for what they believe is right. Now that we know exactly what days we have them and he doesn't have to talk to the BM all the time and fight about it...things have calmed down considerably in our house. It's so great that he can now tell her to just shove it when she tries to punish him by not seeing the kids. No more caving to her every whim, and the kids seem more settled.
Right now...times are good!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
God's Army...
Tonight the kids had their orientation for a "Life Lessons Class" that BM signed them up for. It seemed simple enough...it's supposed to be a class geared towards teens on how to handle challenges of becoming an adult.
Um...yeah...so we thought.
As we sat around the dinner table and asked how it went, and what it's all about we came to find out it's something much different. It's not only run by a church (not a church the kids go to...they have not been raised with a specific religion), but a program run by the SS friend's dad. We know this family is a religious family, and we are ok with religion. However, neither the love of my life or I believe that kids should be pressured into a specific religion, but ok...mom can have her say too and signed them up for this.
The problem is that not only are they learning life lessons like don't kill, steal, or be mean to people, but they have to wear military type uniforms and have about 28 commandments about following God, and accepting to be "born again". The "commandments" range from being a good person to accepting God into your life and at the end "recruiting others".
Does this sound a little "cultish" to anyone else?
This is where the 2 houses stuff gets really sticky. If it's something that dad is totally against...how does he stop it? One of the kids, SD12, is kind of ok with it, but SS14 is not. They say they don't have a choice, but I find it hard to believe (even though BM is a nut job) that she would be ok with this kind of forced religion.
We told the kids to really look through their manuals and think about if this is something they are spiritually interested in and committed to, and if not they need to discuss with their mother. I told them that they should offer to do some other kind of life lesson thing, and read/learn about multiple religions so that they can get the full spectrum of ideas. This is where my own beliefs may or may not rub off on these kids. If they are really truly interested in doing this for themselves, we will support them, but if not...we will do everything to try to take them out of it.
The whole thing turns my stomach, and I hope that the kids make the right decisions for themselves. I also hope that if they don't want to do it they will not be forced to, and if forced...that the love of my life will take proper action to do whatever he can to pull them out of it.
Praise JESUS that this shit doesn't last like all the other stuff that is never really committed to at "the other house".
Um...yeah...so we thought.
As we sat around the dinner table and asked how it went, and what it's all about we came to find out it's something much different. It's not only run by a church (not a church the kids go to...they have not been raised with a specific religion), but a program run by the SS friend's dad. We know this family is a religious family, and we are ok with religion. However, neither the love of my life or I believe that kids should be pressured into a specific religion, but ok...mom can have her say too and signed them up for this.
The problem is that not only are they learning life lessons like don't kill, steal, or be mean to people, but they have to wear military type uniforms and have about 28 commandments about following God, and accepting to be "born again". The "commandments" range from being a good person to accepting God into your life and at the end "recruiting others".
Does this sound a little "cultish" to anyone else?
This is where the 2 houses stuff gets really sticky. If it's something that dad is totally against...how does he stop it? One of the kids, SD12, is kind of ok with it, but SS14 is not. They say they don't have a choice, but I find it hard to believe (even though BM is a nut job) that she would be ok with this kind of forced religion.
We told the kids to really look through their manuals and think about if this is something they are spiritually interested in and committed to, and if not they need to discuss with their mother. I told them that they should offer to do some other kind of life lesson thing, and read/learn about multiple religions so that they can get the full spectrum of ideas. This is where my own beliefs may or may not rub off on these kids. If they are really truly interested in doing this for themselves, we will support them, but if not...we will do everything to try to take them out of it.
The whole thing turns my stomach, and I hope that the kids make the right decisions for themselves. I also hope that if they don't want to do it they will not be forced to, and if forced...that the love of my life will take proper action to do whatever he can to pull them out of it.
Praise JESUS that this shit doesn't last like all the other stuff that is never really committed to at "the other house".
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The dreaded ulcer!
Yes...ulcer. I said it. It's what I have. It's what I never thought would happen. How did this happen? I'm 31 years old. A runner (not as much as of late though), a healthy person, a person who loves to laugh and have a good time. Until lately. Lately my whole life has been revolving around everyone else. The fiance, the kids, the BM, work, my friends divorce or financial problems, planning a wedding, renting out my house because we moved to a bigger house and closer to his kids...and the list goes on and on. It's easy all of them to to say, "I don't ask you to stress about this stuff." But I do...I worry about others...apparently more than myself.
Let me tell you what a wake up call this is for me. After a trip to the hospital for doubled over pain in the middle of the night, missed days at work, and skids and a fiance who don't understand "how I could be so stressed"...I finally realized that my health is not worth being compromised. I have to find a way to not be so stressed, and with an ulcer...alcohol is out of the question :(
I told the fiance today that I can't be the one responsible for managing the schedules, and worrying about food, and if the kids have clean clothes, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I need some help here reducing my stress levels. From a generally very understanding guy came this out of his mouth, "so, you're saying that it gives you stress to do the kids laundry and why would you not feel just as comfortable at home when the kids are here as when they aren't?" I just looked at his confused face and knew that he just won't ever understand it. I mean, he can walk out in his boxers to get a bottle of water from the fridge. I have to be in full blown clothes because if the kids see me in anything less (even a tank top and shorts) I have the 14 year old boy checking me our or the girl asking why I'm dressed that way. Listen...I'm not dressed to go to the prom every time I walk out of my room. I can wear my glasses, have my hair in a pony, and wear sweat pants. It's allowed. Also, while being sick did either of the kids offer to get anything for me or do anything? Um, no...more like, "that sucks..have fun at the doctor". Maybe I'm just too sensitive, but my friends who have their own biokids will tell me about how when they are sick the kids will make her a card or help with something or ask at least if she's ok or be like, "I love you mommy". I'm so jealous of that... is it so sad when I don't even feel comfortable to be sick in my own house? How do I explain to my fiance that going from being single to running some kind of 1/2 way house for 2 kids and having my life and plans uprooted by the BM at any given moment is stressful? He tells me that I've had 2 years to get used to this. When am I ever going to get used to this? What if I never do????
Everyone either tells me, "you have it really good...you only have the kids 1/2 the time...I have my biokids all the time. you at least get breaks...it's a perfect arrangement". Perfect my ass. I want to ask them if they would like to have someone else's kids in their house 1/2 the time, and the kicker is that the person that calls the shots on when they are there or what's going on is their worst enemy. Having kids in your house that you care about and like you, but don't love you like a parent is not sunshine and roses. And no one on the outside treats you like a parent either. It's not the same. It will never be the same. Case and point...people who act like a step-parent shouldn't be out of work because a stepkid is sick or has school activities.
Or...I hear this, "well, you know what you got yourself into. No wonder you have an ulcer, why do you do this to yourself. There are plenty of guys out there without kids, and if you can't handle it than get out now." News flash...I don't want those guys. I want this one. Baggage and all. Try to explain that to someone who has no clue and it's like I just yelled at them, "because I'm an IDIOT and I'm into self inflicted pain." They pretty much just roll their eyes and act like you are crazy.
So, here's my problem. How do I actually reduce the stress? I am the kind of person that is always running around taking care of everything, but I do make time for myself. I go to the spa with a friend, I read, I get alone time, but I think I need to get out more with other people. Since moving across town I never see my friends. Living an hour away isn't exactly something that makes people want to drive to see you, and my friends with little kids aren't exactly trying to hang out with me and the teenagers. Who can blame them.
I keep thinking if I make some new friends that are in the same situation with kids or stepkids around the same age it might be a good thing. But why does it seem so hard to make friends as an adult,and most parents with kids their age are in their early 40's. Do they want to hang out with me? I'm in a job where I'm around people all day every day, but it's not like I'm asking them, "hey...you got any pre-teens/teens you want to have a play date with?" Seriously...you can't get these kids to hang out with each other half the time anyway. It's all fine and good for these new moms and their mommy and me classes and all the crap that society has for them to intermingle with each other, but what about for us? What do we do when all of our friends sort of fall away because our lives are no longer similar? How many early 30's women are out there dating men with kids as old as my fiance? Because it has to be happening, and there has to be a place other than online. Don't get me wrong. I love my online friends. They are a great comfort to me, and there are days that I totally look forward to what people are writing and who I can relate to and talk to in cyber space. But in the physical world, instead of mommy and me classes they should at least have, "I'm not a mom, but have the responsibilities of one and here's my stepkid that could care less if they are here or not" classes and have iPods and video games hooked up for them and IVs of wine hooked up for us. Should I be looking for women at the grocery store who have kids their age and be like, "hey...real mom or stepmom?" Oh sorry...real mom...yeah, you aren't going to like listening to me complain about BM so we can't be friends.
If there are so many divorces and so many stepfamilies...WHERE IS EVERYONE?????
Let me tell you what a wake up call this is for me. After a trip to the hospital for doubled over pain in the middle of the night, missed days at work, and skids and a fiance who don't understand "how I could be so stressed"...I finally realized that my health is not worth being compromised. I have to find a way to not be so stressed, and with an ulcer...alcohol is out of the question :(
I told the fiance today that I can't be the one responsible for managing the schedules, and worrying about food, and if the kids have clean clothes, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I need some help here reducing my stress levels. From a generally very understanding guy came this out of his mouth, "so, you're saying that it gives you stress to do the kids laundry and why would you not feel just as comfortable at home when the kids are here as when they aren't?" I just looked at his confused face and knew that he just won't ever understand it. I mean, he can walk out in his boxers to get a bottle of water from the fridge. I have to be in full blown clothes because if the kids see me in anything less (even a tank top and shorts) I have the 14 year old boy checking me our or the girl asking why I'm dressed that way. Listen...I'm not dressed to go to the prom every time I walk out of my room. I can wear my glasses, have my hair in a pony, and wear sweat pants. It's allowed. Also, while being sick did either of the kids offer to get anything for me or do anything? Um, no...more like, "that sucks..have fun at the doctor". Maybe I'm just too sensitive, but my friends who have their own biokids will tell me about how when they are sick the kids will make her a card or help with something or ask at least if she's ok or be like, "I love you mommy". I'm so jealous of that... is it so sad when I don't even feel comfortable to be sick in my own house? How do I explain to my fiance that going from being single to running some kind of 1/2 way house for 2 kids and having my life and plans uprooted by the BM at any given moment is stressful? He tells me that I've had 2 years to get used to this. When am I ever going to get used to this? What if I never do????
Everyone either tells me, "you have it really good...you only have the kids 1/2 the time...I have my biokids all the time. you at least get breaks...it's a perfect arrangement". Perfect my ass. I want to ask them if they would like to have someone else's kids in their house 1/2 the time, and the kicker is that the person that calls the shots on when they are there or what's going on is their worst enemy. Having kids in your house that you care about and like you, but don't love you like a parent is not sunshine and roses. And no one on the outside treats you like a parent either. It's not the same. It will never be the same. Case and point...people who act like a step-parent shouldn't be out of work because a stepkid is sick or has school activities.
Or...I hear this, "well, you know what you got yourself into. No wonder you have an ulcer, why do you do this to yourself. There are plenty of guys out there without kids, and if you can't handle it than get out now." News flash...I don't want those guys. I want this one. Baggage and all. Try to explain that to someone who has no clue and it's like I just yelled at them, "because I'm an IDIOT and I'm into self inflicted pain." They pretty much just roll their eyes and act like you are crazy.
So, here's my problem. How do I actually reduce the stress? I am the kind of person that is always running around taking care of everything, but I do make time for myself. I go to the spa with a friend, I read, I get alone time, but I think I need to get out more with other people. Since moving across town I never see my friends. Living an hour away isn't exactly something that makes people want to drive to see you, and my friends with little kids aren't exactly trying to hang out with me and the teenagers. Who can blame them.
I keep thinking if I make some new friends that are in the same situation with kids or stepkids around the same age it might be a good thing. But why does it seem so hard to make friends as an adult,and most parents with kids their age are in their early 40's. Do they want to hang out with me? I'm in a job where I'm around people all day every day, but it's not like I'm asking them, "hey...you got any pre-teens/teens you want to have a play date with?" Seriously...you can't get these kids to hang out with each other half the time anyway. It's all fine and good for these new moms and their mommy and me classes and all the crap that society has for them to intermingle with each other, but what about for us? What do we do when all of our friends sort of fall away because our lives are no longer similar? How many early 30's women are out there dating men with kids as old as my fiance? Because it has to be happening, and there has to be a place other than online. Don't get me wrong. I love my online friends. They are a great comfort to me, and there are days that I totally look forward to what people are writing and who I can relate to and talk to in cyber space. But in the physical world, instead of mommy and me classes they should at least have, "I'm not a mom, but have the responsibilities of one and here's my stepkid that could care less if they are here or not" classes and have iPods and video games hooked up for them and IVs of wine hooked up for us. Should I be looking for women at the grocery store who have kids their age and be like, "hey...real mom or stepmom?" Oh sorry...real mom...yeah, you aren't going to like listening to me complain about BM so we can't be friends.
If there are so many divorces and so many stepfamilies...WHERE IS EVERYONE?????
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Why the face?
I've noticed even more since getting engaged to the love of my life that people have different reactions when I tell them I'm getting married to someone with kids. Thought I'd share a few!
Notable reactions include the following:
1.) GASP! Sad/shocked/pity face. From most reactions you would think I just told them I have cancer and have 6 months to live... Being a step-parent is NOT a death sentence! Yes, it's stressful, and unorganized, and can drive you to a breaking point at times, but your life is not over. You aren't an idiot just because you fell in love with someone that has kids and an ex wife. Considering that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce...there are more step families out there than people realize.
2.) The "ready made family", or "insta-mom" comments. I hate when people say "oh, jumping into a ready made family" or "oh, insta-mom". If you are in the same boat you know it's hardly like that. First...you don't just jump into a ready made family. It's not like you are being adopted. It's like an on the job interview that never ends. You aren't really considered to be "part of the family" by this new "family" you just "jumped" into. The stepparent is always under fire, and left with no legal rights for protection. Insta-mom? How about insta-not-my-mom. It's the first thing everyone actually points out. Case and point...I'm pretty sure if I was having a baby, my family would be over the moon to visit and meet the baby...their grandchild. Step-grandkids? Totally different! 2 years later and they still haven't met the kids I will soon be calling my stepchildren. Even your own families don't see you as a "mom".
3.) The "you're a saint". I love these people. "oh wow, you are a better woman than me to take that on!" I don't know if sainthood is achieved by being a step-parent, but thanks for thinking that! I think that people who take in foster kids, or adopt older children, or save kids from dangerous situations are saints. People who dedicate their lives to taking in sick children or mentally ill children. Those are the real saints.
4.) The "I've been there" person. My personal favorite. Men and women who are step-parents. They have the best support, the best advice, and can have a really good laugh with you. I love my online stepchicks who always make me feel better if I've had a bad day/weekend, or helping a fellow stepchick you desperately needs to vent or get advice.
All in all, it's mixed reactions. Sometimes I wish that people would just be happy for me like I'm a young girl that met the love of her life that doesn't come with a few suitcases. 95% of the time I'm happy that I'm secure enough in myself and my decisions to know that no matter what baggage the love of my life has...he's SO worth it!!
Notable reactions include the following:
1.) GASP! Sad/shocked/pity face. From most reactions you would think I just told them I have cancer and have 6 months to live... Being a step-parent is NOT a death sentence! Yes, it's stressful, and unorganized, and can drive you to a breaking point at times, but your life is not over. You aren't an idiot just because you fell in love with someone that has kids and an ex wife. Considering that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce...there are more step families out there than people realize.
2.) The "ready made family", or "insta-mom" comments. I hate when people say "oh, jumping into a ready made family" or "oh, insta-mom". If you are in the same boat you know it's hardly like that. First...you don't just jump into a ready made family. It's not like you are being adopted. It's like an on the job interview that never ends. You aren't really considered to be "part of the family" by this new "family" you just "jumped" into. The stepparent is always under fire, and left with no legal rights for protection. Insta-mom? How about insta-not-my-mom. It's the first thing everyone actually points out. Case and point...I'm pretty sure if I was having a baby, my family would be over the moon to visit and meet the baby...their grandchild. Step-grandkids? Totally different! 2 years later and they still haven't met the kids I will soon be calling my stepchildren. Even your own families don't see you as a "mom".
3.) The "you're a saint". I love these people. "oh wow, you are a better woman than me to take that on!" I don't know if sainthood is achieved by being a step-parent, but thanks for thinking that! I think that people who take in foster kids, or adopt older children, or save kids from dangerous situations are saints. People who dedicate their lives to taking in sick children or mentally ill children. Those are the real saints.
4.) The "I've been there" person. My personal favorite. Men and women who are step-parents. They have the best support, the best advice, and can have a really good laugh with you. I love my online stepchicks who always make me feel better if I've had a bad day/weekend, or helping a fellow stepchick you desperately needs to vent or get advice.
All in all, it's mixed reactions. Sometimes I wish that people would just be happy for me like I'm a young girl that met the love of her life that doesn't come with a few suitcases. 95% of the time I'm happy that I'm secure enough in myself and my decisions to know that no matter what baggage the love of my life has...he's SO worth it!!
Not the parent...
So, since my last blog things have been very busy, but pretty drama free now that we've moved closer to the kids. We see them a lot more, things are more "normal" in our house, and we spend so much less time in the car going back and forth...back and forth...
Let's go back to the previously mentioned "promotion ceremony". You know...the one where we all had to take a picture together like one big happy dysfunctional family? Since we were all in the picture we don't have a picture of our own of this memorable moment. So, I contacted the woman who took the pictures to ask her for a JPEG file of 2 of them. She was nice enough, but won't give me copies because I'm not a parent. Ok, I get that...protect the kids...blah blah blah, but seriously... I'M IN THE PICTURES. So, I can't even get a copy of a picture of myself? They are ok with posting them on a WORLDWIDE website that I can't cut and paste from, but I can't get a copy? The love of my life has to request them.
It made me wonder what other things I won't have access to, and will this change when I have the same last name as the boy and girl? Hmmmmm
Let's go back to the previously mentioned "promotion ceremony". You know...the one where we all had to take a picture together like one big happy dysfunctional family? Since we were all in the picture we don't have a picture of our own of this memorable moment. So, I contacted the woman who took the pictures to ask her for a JPEG file of 2 of them. She was nice enough, but won't give me copies because I'm not a parent. Ok, I get that...protect the kids...blah blah blah, but seriously... I'M IN THE PICTURES. So, I can't even get a copy of a picture of myself? They are ok with posting them on a WORLDWIDE website that I can't cut and paste from, but I can't get a copy? The love of my life has to request them.
It made me wonder what other things I won't have access to, and will this change when I have the same last name as the boy and girl? Hmmmmm
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
When being a stepmom is totally worth it!
Today is National Stepfamily Day, and it's the perfect time to tell this story...
Earlier this week the boy had a promotional ceremony for an extra curricular activity he's involved in. When he gets promoted he is asked to have 2 people come up and participate in his promotion in front of the entire group. Last time he chose mom and dad. This time he asked me and his mom's BF. I was so honored by this, especially given that the BM would be there watching the whole thing. I was very nervous getting up there in front of everyone and getting the evil death stare from the BM.
When I started thinking about it I realized how brave the boy is, and what a big deal this is for him and for me. Even after his mom tried to get him to change his mind, he still told her, "she has been involved in my life for long enough and has earned the right to be there for me". WOW! It made me immediately realize...I'm doing something right. I'm making a place for myself in these kid's lives and hearts. 2 years ago, I never would have thought this would be possible, and now it's happening right in front of me.
What's funny is that when asked about the BF's involvement he said, "well, it's only fair that I ask him if I ask her".
During the ceremony you could tell that the BF and I were both nervous, and we also were asked to take a professional picture with the boy. At that moment someone asked for "mom and dad" to come up too. What a crazy picture that's going to be. The boy with "both" of his families. Future stepmom on one side, BM on the other. How we were all able to stand up there together without wanting to kill each other I'll never know. All I can say is that if you are truly doing what's right for the kids...this is what it's like and what makes being a stepmom totally worth it! I am a part of their lives, and there is proof in pictures and in front of other people that I am there and I'm just as much a part of this family. Even if it's a crazy stepfamily!
Happy Stepfamily Day!
Earlier this week the boy had a promotional ceremony for an extra curricular activity he's involved in. When he gets promoted he is asked to have 2 people come up and participate in his promotion in front of the entire group. Last time he chose mom and dad. This time he asked me and his mom's BF. I was so honored by this, especially given that the BM would be there watching the whole thing. I was very nervous getting up there in front of everyone and getting the evil death stare from the BM.
When I started thinking about it I realized how brave the boy is, and what a big deal this is for him and for me. Even after his mom tried to get him to change his mind, he still told her, "she has been involved in my life for long enough and has earned the right to be there for me". WOW! It made me immediately realize...I'm doing something right. I'm making a place for myself in these kid's lives and hearts. 2 years ago, I never would have thought this would be possible, and now it's happening right in front of me.
What's funny is that when asked about the BF's involvement he said, "well, it's only fair that I ask him if I ask her".
During the ceremony you could tell that the BF and I were both nervous, and we also were asked to take a professional picture with the boy. At that moment someone asked for "mom and dad" to come up too. What a crazy picture that's going to be. The boy with "both" of his families. Future stepmom on one side, BM on the other. How we were all able to stand up there together without wanting to kill each other I'll never know. All I can say is that if you are truly doing what's right for the kids...this is what it's like and what makes being a stepmom totally worth it! I am a part of their lives, and there is proof in pictures and in front of other people that I am there and I'm just as much a part of this family. Even if it's a crazy stepfamily!
Happy Stepfamily Day!
The things we do for love
Sorry that it's been awhile since my last post, but it's been crazy busy! My finace and I had been having some discussions about the BM's lack of involvement in the kid's lives and how it isn't right to have her BF of only a few months basically raising his kids. I came up with the craziest idea I think I've ever had...
Let's move to closer to the kids.
Seems simple enough. Not really. I own a house that can't be sold in this market, the kids live an hour away, the idea of living down the street from the BM makes my stomach turn, and where they live is out in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exactly an "out in the middle of nowhere" kind of girl, but hell...it's for the kids...let's give it a try! Now, before anyone thinks I'm totally crazy I have to say a few things...
#1. I am getting married to this wonderful man with 2 kids, and not everything is just about me anymore. I have to think of the kids and their relationship with their father. Happy fiance + happy kids = happy me.
#2. I lived far from my dad when my parents were divorced and I hated only seeing my dad every other weekend, and barely even that when I started having a lot of friends, boyfriends, school activities. Living closer gives a lot more flexibility to see them.
#3. His kids have been asking for something like this for a long time, and I can see how they would be able to benefit from this. Especially now that the BM is not home before 10pm at least 3-5 nights a week.
#4. Living closer means more time with the kids (we are hoping for 50/50 custody), and a better relationship for my fiance and the kids. Not to mention, that my relationship can now be more than just every other weekend.
All within 2 weeks we found a place, packed, and moved. I am renting my house out since I don't want to sell right now. We are in our new place which is twice the size of my place. The kids each have their own room, and we have a pool! The house is amazing, but the drive to get anywhere sucks. The kids are very excited, and even the BM has taken a positive approach to this (so far) because now she'll have more people to take care of things for her with the kids. What she doesn't realize, is that once 50/50 is set...she won't be getting as much child support as she does now. I'm sure that once all the court stuff is settled she will be freaking out. This is not going to go without drama because she will find anything to complain about. Already has actually. That we are 5 minutes driving distance from their house and the kids can't walk there. Honestly lady, I don't need to be THAT close to you and as long as we are in the same school district for the kids...that's as close as I want to be.
But for now...everyone is happy about the change in address. We've already started seeing the kids more, and I feel a lot calmer about things knowing that they won't just be coming in and out of my life every 2 weeks. I think this will help my relationship with them grow stronger as well.
Here's to hoping for the best!
Let's move to closer to the kids.
Seems simple enough. Not really. I own a house that can't be sold in this market, the kids live an hour away, the idea of living down the street from the BM makes my stomach turn, and where they live is out in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exactly an "out in the middle of nowhere" kind of girl, but hell...it's for the kids...let's give it a try! Now, before anyone thinks I'm totally crazy I have to say a few things...
#1. I am getting married to this wonderful man with 2 kids, and not everything is just about me anymore. I have to think of the kids and their relationship with their father. Happy fiance + happy kids = happy me.
#2. I lived far from my dad when my parents were divorced and I hated only seeing my dad every other weekend, and barely even that when I started having a lot of friends, boyfriends, school activities. Living closer gives a lot more flexibility to see them.
#3. His kids have been asking for something like this for a long time, and I can see how they would be able to benefit from this. Especially now that the BM is not home before 10pm at least 3-5 nights a week.
#4. Living closer means more time with the kids (we are hoping for 50/50 custody), and a better relationship for my fiance and the kids. Not to mention, that my relationship can now be more than just every other weekend.
All within 2 weeks we found a place, packed, and moved. I am renting my house out since I don't want to sell right now. We are in our new place which is twice the size of my place. The kids each have their own room, and we have a pool! The house is amazing, but the drive to get anywhere sucks. The kids are very excited, and even the BM has taken a positive approach to this (so far) because now she'll have more people to take care of things for her with the kids. What she doesn't realize, is that once 50/50 is set...she won't be getting as much child support as she does now. I'm sure that once all the court stuff is settled she will be freaking out. This is not going to go without drama because she will find anything to complain about. Already has actually. That we are 5 minutes driving distance from their house and the kids can't walk there. Honestly lady, I don't need to be THAT close to you and as long as we are in the same school district for the kids...that's as close as I want to be.
But for now...everyone is happy about the change in address. We've already started seeing the kids more, and I feel a lot calmer about things knowing that they won't just be coming in and out of my life every 2 weeks. I think this will help my relationship with them grow stronger as well.
Here's to hoping for the best!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Am I jealous of the BM?
On a blog of a stepmom group I belong to someone asked the question..."Does anyone feel jealous of the BM? Is this normal?"
There were so many posts and responses to this discussion, and I wanted to share my response...
Depending on the day, I have different feelings towards the BM. The things I'm mostly jealous about revolve around her trying to control my fiance's life still and the money aspect. He pays close to $2K a month, and the kids are still always without the things they need. What makes me most mad is when he pays all that money, and then still has to pay more on top of that to make sure they have what they need because she doesn't take care of them. I'm glad because he's a good dad, and I know he would never disappoint them, but I feel bad for the kids because they will eventually realize that mom is a loser and can't be counted on. I hate to see that happening to them. They are already making comments about how mom can't follow through on anything and she's never there for them. It's sad, but the kids will always figure out who their parents are...but they are their parents and no matter what the kids will always love them.
Someone made a great point about how kids HAVE to love their BM's, but don't HAVE to love us. As frustrating as things can be, I have a great relationship with my stepkids. I am starting to realize all of the things I bring to their life that their mom never could, and it makes me see how I fit in...just in a different way. My SD needs a strong, independant, thoughtful woman in her life and I can be that for her because her mom is not. My SS is taking French this year, and I took French so he will be able to come to me for help. There are so many things that I bring into their lives, but that they also bring into my life. The fact of the matter is that it is not a competition with the BM. If we look at it that way we will always lose. Instead, we have to look at ourselves as someone different in their lives and realize what we bring to the table, and be proud of ourselves for that.
Something we don't think about enough. Is the BM jealous of us? You bet your ass she is. I know for a fact that the BM is jealous of me. The kids used to talk about me a lot at home, and she finally told them she doesn't want to hear about me anymore. Points scored for me :) She might be their mom, but there is another influential woman in their lives and I can guarantee she doesn't like it just as much as we don't like that the past woman is there.
We know all the frustrating things the kids tell us when they are at our house, and we have to imagine they do the same thing at home. I'm sure that at our house they tell us they don't like our rules, and I'm sure at home they say things like, "this isn't how it is at dad's house". Kids are smart little creatures and play everyone to their advantage and to get attention.
On the bright side...child support doesn't last forever, and although it feels like the BM will be involved in your daily life forever...she won't. Speaking as a child from divorce, my parents have been divorced for 20 years, and once my brother and I were out of school...the only times they have had to see or talk to each other have been and will be for big life events. Not on the regular basis we all deal with now.
My fiance told me this a few months ago when I was bitching about all the money that is going to the BM. He said, "I hate the fact that I have to pay her more than you ever will. I love my kids and have no problem taking care of them, but for the money to not go towards the kids that is what really pisses me off. However, she is not stopping us from moving on with our lives. We still travel when we can, we're getting married, and we can do things with the kids she doesn't. She has controlled my life long enough, and now I am marrying someone I truly love and want to be with. If it costs me $2K a month for 5 more years, it's still worth it to not have to be with her."
Whenever I feel pissed about everything, I think about how much worse it is for him to have to have gone through the whole thing to begin with and it helps me put it back into perspective.
There were so many posts and responses to this discussion, and I wanted to share my response...
Depending on the day, I have different feelings towards the BM. The things I'm mostly jealous about revolve around her trying to control my fiance's life still and the money aspect. He pays close to $2K a month, and the kids are still always without the things they need. What makes me most mad is when he pays all that money, and then still has to pay more on top of that to make sure they have what they need because she doesn't take care of them. I'm glad because he's a good dad, and I know he would never disappoint them, but I feel bad for the kids because they will eventually realize that mom is a loser and can't be counted on. I hate to see that happening to them. They are already making comments about how mom can't follow through on anything and she's never there for them. It's sad, but the kids will always figure out who their parents are...but they are their parents and no matter what the kids will always love them.
Someone made a great point about how kids HAVE to love their BM's, but don't HAVE to love us. As frustrating as things can be, I have a great relationship with my stepkids. I am starting to realize all of the things I bring to their life that their mom never could, and it makes me see how I fit in...just in a different way. My SD needs a strong, independant, thoughtful woman in her life and I can be that for her because her mom is not. My SS is taking French this year, and I took French so he will be able to come to me for help. There are so many things that I bring into their lives, but that they also bring into my life. The fact of the matter is that it is not a competition with the BM. If we look at it that way we will always lose. Instead, we have to look at ourselves as someone different in their lives and realize what we bring to the table, and be proud of ourselves for that.
Something we don't think about enough. Is the BM jealous of us? You bet your ass she is. I know for a fact that the BM is jealous of me. The kids used to talk about me a lot at home, and she finally told them she doesn't want to hear about me anymore. Points scored for me :) She might be their mom, but there is another influential woman in their lives and I can guarantee she doesn't like it just as much as we don't like that the past woman is there.
We know all the frustrating things the kids tell us when they are at our house, and we have to imagine they do the same thing at home. I'm sure that at our house they tell us they don't like our rules, and I'm sure at home they say things like, "this isn't how it is at dad's house". Kids are smart little creatures and play everyone to their advantage and to get attention.
On the bright side...child support doesn't last forever, and although it feels like the BM will be involved in your daily life forever...she won't. Speaking as a child from divorce, my parents have been divorced for 20 years, and once my brother and I were out of school...the only times they have had to see or talk to each other have been and will be for big life events. Not on the regular basis we all deal with now.
My fiance told me this a few months ago when I was bitching about all the money that is going to the BM. He said, "I hate the fact that I have to pay her more than you ever will. I love my kids and have no problem taking care of them, but for the money to not go towards the kids that is what really pisses me off. However, she is not stopping us from moving on with our lives. We still travel when we can, we're getting married, and we can do things with the kids she doesn't. She has controlled my life long enough, and now I am marrying someone I truly love and want to be with. If it costs me $2K a month for 5 more years, it's still worth it to not have to be with her."
Whenever I feel pissed about everything, I think about how much worse it is for him to have to have gone through the whole thing to begin with and it helps me put it back into perspective.
Priceless summer trips
- The cost for us to take a week long vacation with the kids = $700
- Vacation days taken off of work = 5
- Hours of driving = 12
- Pounds gained from a week of bad food = 3
- The BM doing nothing with the kids all summer = $0
- The BM's boyfriend taking them all to the Grand Canyon with his 6 year old = $50
- Having the BF's 6 year old (which they have only met 2 times) piss the kids off because she is calling the BM her "mommy" and the kids "brother" and "sissy" the whole time = PRICELESS
Memorable Vacation Moments
During the vacation A LOT of things happened, but here are a few of the most memorable moments:
- Cooking dinner with the boy. One of the nights I was in charge of making dinner, and instead of sitting outside with everyone else and talking he stayed inside and helped me make dinner. We had some really nice time to talk about things. He said, "I really like hanging out with you guys. We have a lot of fun and laugh a lot." This is a major deal considering a year and a half ago he was trying to make up reasons not to come to dad's for the weekend. I feel like we've really turned a corner with the boy, and especially with him and I. His mom has always told him that I was the reason for their divorce (which is not true), but against all of the odds he has made his own opinions about me. This was one of those times that really made me realize that I am doing the right things, and that I'm on the right path with my relationship with him. We talked about the upcoming school year, girls, grades, his mom, her BF, and his sister. I was the oldest in my house, and he's the oldest and I think that we both share the same annoyances of having a younger sibling. I told him that if he ever needs anything I'm always there for him to talk to, and that I enjoy our talks. It was very sweet.
- The boy talking about living with us. On multiple occasions during the trip he kept bringing up how he thinks he might want to live with us some day. He said he's not happy at home, and how mom and the BF are never around. He's worried that his mom would feel betrayed. We discussed with him that it would be his decision, but that things are not always fun fun fun and cheery at our house. There are rules, chores, punishments, and bad grades will not be tolerated. The love of my life let him know that he is always welcome, but he wouldn't be allowed to move back and forth when he pleases. If he moved in with us it would be through the end of high school. His other main concern? Would he have his own room. Of course. We would make sure that he had his own space that would be his own, and his sister would need to sleep on the couch during her visits. Should be interesting to see what happens...
- The girl lost her cell phone. Do you ever get sick of a teenager with a cell phone stuck to her like glue? If you have never experienced this...be glad. It is annoying as hell! The worst part is this particular teenager uses it as her lifeline to the BM at all times. We have a rule about the phone. No phone after 10pm. This is reasonable given that she is 12 years old. So, we take it away at 10pm, but when she wakes up in the morning...before she even goes to the bathroom she is there to get it. God forbid she doesn't text her mom about some silly dream she had, or to let her know what color her poop is for the day. One of the days I had had enough and just really wanted some peace from the phone. So...I did what any other rational mature adult would do...I hid the phone. She was in a panic, and asked everyone if they had seen it. All the while I had it stowed away until the next day. I know it's bad, but I did get a sick pleasure out of her not having it. I mean, if we can't have one vacation day without the BM involved in it...what kind of vacation is it really? The good news is that she survived, and "found" her phone by the next day.
- The boy asking my uncle about his gay lifestyle. We stayed with my uncle and his husband during our trip. They have been together for about 18 years. To me, it's completely normal. For a couple of kids that have never really spent any time around a gay couple, this was something new for them. Now, I must say that the love of my life and the BM did raise them to be gay friendly and really just nice to all people equally. The boy asked us if he could ask questions if he had them. We told him that they are like any other couple, and he could ask questions, but he better be respectful. One morning my uncle tells us that the night before he had a question. #1.) Who would be the man and who would be the woman in the relationship? Answer: Um, we're equals. If one person wanted to be the "woman", that would be an entirely different kind of relationship. Kids are hilarious.
- The death of a cat. One of the kid's cats had gotten bit by a spider a few months back. Took some antibiotics, and seemed to be healed. 2 weeks ago the cat mysteriously ended up with a broken paw. The BM didn't want to take him to the vet again and told the kids that she would put him in a cage in the laundry room, and he would heal. (For the record...this is not at all how I would handle things.) While we were gone on vacation the boy was talking to his mom one night and comes in to talk to me afterwards. He's a little down. I ask what's wrong. He makes me promise not to tell his dad or sister. I agree, and he tells me that the cat died. I was shocked, and obviously he was too. I asked why his mom didn't tell his sister, and here is what he said. "Mom said that the girl didn't ask about the cat, and since she obviously didn't care...she didn't need to know." I'm sorry...WTF??!?!?! This is something you need to say, "honey, I have something to tell you" and then you tell her. Unfortunately, the girl ends up finding out in a random conversation with her brother the next day. Real nice mom...don't think you are winning any mother of the year awards anytime soon.
- Just another day at the beach. The day I've been looking forward to all week was finally here. The day we were going to the beach. I love the beach! I love the sound of the water, the laying on a blanket reading a book, and feeling the warm sun relax me. This was not that kind of day. It started off good. We found a spot, set up, and I went into relax mode. Until...the girl keeps shuffling her feet in the sand when she walks right in front of me kicking sand around which keeps getting in my eyes. The first time I asked her to stop. The second time I asked her to stop. The third time I started getting totally pissed. You are 12 years old! Walk around, pick up your feet, move your chair...anything to make you stop kicking sand in my eyes. Eventually I lost it when she threw the boogie board down by me doing it again. That time though she was just listening to her dad who told her to throw it there because he was trying to help the boy with what they thought might have been an injury. (It wasn't...just a cramp in some unused muscles.) By that time it was too late. I was so fed up with this unrelaxing day at the beach, and end up in a fight with the girl and the love of my life. I keep hoping we are leaving soon. I'm looking over at all of these other people relaxing and having fun. Then I realized...I'm no longer 18 hanging at the beach with my friends. The boys aren't looking at me like I'm hot. They are looking at me like a crazy old lady with teenage kids. Getting older sucks!
- My deodorant has cooties. I'm a clean person. I take good care of myself. But it turns out that all this time I didn't know it...my deodorant has cooties. No cooties that anyone else can see other than the girl. It has "your not my mom" cooties. The girl runs out of her own deodorant, and asks if I have a new one. I tell her no, but that she can use mine. She makes a face and says, "um, I think I'm ok." Really? You're ok? You'd rather smell than use MY deodorant? Is this rational? Of course not. Did she use it though...I know you want to know. Yes, she did use it. She just did it when she thought I wasn't looking. Do you think that makes it have less cooties if I don't know she's using it? Hmmmm...weird. This is exactly the kind of thing that reminds you that you are not the mom.
All in all, it was a great trip. Everyone had fun and the kids were thankful and appreciative. My uncle even said they were well behaved and welcome back again. That's a plus in my book!!!
Long car rides = Too Much Information!
Sorry for the delay in posting this...
So, the morning of our trip we set out for a 6 hour car ride. I was under the impression it was more like 5 hours, but who's counting? Surprisingly the kids were fairly bright-eyed and ready to go. It must be something to do with the excitement of vacation...because they are never awake and happy before 11am most times.
To be completely honest, I actually look forward to this kind of time with the love of my life and the kids. We do a lot of talking, laughing, and joking around. It's time where everyone gets to know each other even more, and we are bonding and building new memories together. Memories that include me, and us together as our new crazy family :)
During car rides we always end up discussing things we normally don't. With a 12 and 13 year old this can really mean anything! For one, the boy brings up when a woman's clock is ticking. What he doesn't realize is that he's talking about a woman's sexual peak. Here's how the conversation goes:
The boy, "so, I hear that a woman's clock starts ticking at about 35. You are 31 which means it's going to happen soon."
Me, "no, the clock should be ticking now. I thought you don't want us to have a baby...have you changed your mind?"
The boy, "no, I still don't want you to have a baby. But a guy's clock starts ticking at 18"
Me, "um...I think you are talking about something else...there is no way a guy wants to start having babies at 18".
At this point I realize what he is talking about, and I bust out laughing...
Me, "oh Boy, you are talking about sexual peak. Which is when men and woman most want to have sex. A clock ticking is about having babies."
The boy, "oh....(awkward silence)...so, when you are 35 I'm going to be 18."
EWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me, "um, that is correct, but you really shouldn't be thinking of me that way."
Did I say EEWWWWWWWWWWWW??????????
The boy, "yeah, my mom would really not be happy about that."
Me, "no shit, and neither would I or your dad."
The girl, "this is sick...I'm so embarrassed"
Good times...
Better topics included gossip about the BM.
Supposedly she has all of these amazing things planned for the last week of summer before they go back to school. A trip to the Grand Canyon, paintballing, shopping, etc. We'll see how much of that happens. What's funny is all the new rules that have been put into action since the BM's boyfriend has moved in.
#1.) The new diet. So, we all know about how the BM put the girl on a Lemonade Detox Diet, but now the whole "family" is starting a fresh diet of nothing but organic meats and veggies. No snacks, no treats, nothing. Not ever. What's funny is how the kids talk about how horrible it is. I agree that they should be eating better, but we all know that a major radical change is not going to last. Plus, they are kids...they should have some treats here and there. When the love of my life points this out the girl says, "well, we do get a treat...we get to have a sweet potato once a week with brown sugar on it." Ahahahahahahahaha. He says, "yeah, that's the same thing as cake. Would you like a sweet potato for your birthday?" This became the new joke for the week. Anytime someone would mention getting ice cream or something, we would say, "would you like a sweet potato instead?" Funny that no sweet potatoes were eaten on vacation.
#2.) The new chores for allowance. At our house we have been offering the kids allowance on weekends and full weeks they are with us. They each have a few things on their list that are reasonable for the amount of time they are with us, and they get paid if they complete without being asked. At home they now have this new chart. They each have a very long list of chores that need to be done EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not weekends, but Monday through Friday. The only thing not on the list is cleaning the BM's bedroom and bathroom. Otherwise, all of the yard maintenance, full house dusting, taking care of pets, vacuuming, dishes, their rooms and bathroom, etc are all on the list. The chores all have to be done by 7pm and to the BM's satisfaction or they don't get paid. The pay is $5 a day. This would be a great deal for the kids ($100 a month per kid) if it wasn't for these few facts.
Stay tuned for some highlights and memorable moments from our first family vacation!
So, the morning of our trip we set out for a 6 hour car ride. I was under the impression it was more like 5 hours, but who's counting? Surprisingly the kids were fairly bright-eyed and ready to go. It must be something to do with the excitement of vacation...because they are never awake and happy before 11am most times.
To be completely honest, I actually look forward to this kind of time with the love of my life and the kids. We do a lot of talking, laughing, and joking around. It's time where everyone gets to know each other even more, and we are bonding and building new memories together. Memories that include me, and us together as our new crazy family :)
During car rides we always end up discussing things we normally don't. With a 12 and 13 year old this can really mean anything! For one, the boy brings up when a woman's clock is ticking. What he doesn't realize is that he's talking about a woman's sexual peak. Here's how the conversation goes:
The boy, "so, I hear that a woman's clock starts ticking at about 35. You are 31 which means it's going to happen soon."
Me, "no, the clock should be ticking now. I thought you don't want us to have a baby...have you changed your mind?"
The boy, "no, I still don't want you to have a baby. But a guy's clock starts ticking at 18"
Me, "um...I think you are talking about something else...there is no way a guy wants to start having babies at 18".
At this point I realize what he is talking about, and I bust out laughing...
Me, "oh Boy, you are talking about sexual peak. Which is when men and woman most want to have sex. A clock ticking is about having babies."
The boy, "oh....(awkward silence)...so, when you are 35 I'm going to be 18."
EWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me, "um, that is correct, but you really shouldn't be thinking of me that way."
Did I say EEWWWWWWWWWWWW??????????
The boy, "yeah, my mom would really not be happy about that."
Me, "no shit, and neither would I or your dad."
The girl, "this is sick...I'm so embarrassed"
Good times...
Better topics included gossip about the BM.
Supposedly she has all of these amazing things planned for the last week of summer before they go back to school. A trip to the Grand Canyon, paintballing, shopping, etc. We'll see how much of that happens. What's funny is all the new rules that have been put into action since the BM's boyfriend has moved in.
#1.) The new diet. So, we all know about how the BM put the girl on a Lemonade Detox Diet, but now the whole "family" is starting a fresh diet of nothing but organic meats and veggies. No snacks, no treats, nothing. Not ever. What's funny is how the kids talk about how horrible it is. I agree that they should be eating better, but we all know that a major radical change is not going to last. Plus, they are kids...they should have some treats here and there. When the love of my life points this out the girl says, "well, we do get a treat...we get to have a sweet potato once a week with brown sugar on it." Ahahahahahahahaha. He says, "yeah, that's the same thing as cake. Would you like a sweet potato for your birthday?" This became the new joke for the week. Anytime someone would mention getting ice cream or something, we would say, "would you like a sweet potato instead?" Funny that no sweet potatoes were eaten on vacation.
#2.) The new chores for allowance. At our house we have been offering the kids allowance on weekends and full weeks they are with us. They each have a few things on their list that are reasonable for the amount of time they are with us, and they get paid if they complete without being asked. At home they now have this new chart. They each have a very long list of chores that need to be done EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not weekends, but Monday through Friday. The only thing not on the list is cleaning the BM's bedroom and bathroom. Otherwise, all of the yard maintenance, full house dusting, taking care of pets, vacuuming, dishes, their rooms and bathroom, etc are all on the list. The chores all have to be done by 7pm and to the BM's satisfaction or they don't get paid. The pay is $5 a day. This would be a great deal for the kids ($100 a month per kid) if it wasn't for these few facts.
- The boy has an extracurricular activity on Monday nights. The girl is usually not home then either.
- Wednesday nights they spend with their dad.
- Every other Friday night they will be with their dad.
- The BM and the boyfriend are essentially doing nothing to take care of the house.
The best part is the boy tells us, "yeah, mom's BF told mom that if we didn't do one thing right we shouldn't get paid for the entire week. We were like..."shut up buddy". Then last week we started on Monday and on Thursday night mom says, "you know you aren't getting paid this week...it's just a trial week"...we were ripped off." So, of course they didn't do anything on Friday since they knew they weren't getting paid. Then the girl said, "well, they did take us to Olive Garden for dinner." The boy was like, "um, I wanted my $25, not a pasta dinner." The love of my life says, "well, that's nice...the $50 they should have paid you for chores actually took her and the BF out to dinner...good job guys." They are still bitter about it. I think it's funny that she's trying to pony up $200 a month for chores to the kids, but she can't even get the girl a $15 bathing suit. The only way she's offering that kind of money is because she knows she won't have to pay it. What a bitch...
Another great car ride moment:
A song the kids love: "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann. They love to sing "wrapped up like a douche." What kid doesn't laugh at that? Actually, what adult doesn't still think he's saying douche? I've either been hanging around them too long, or I'm 13 also...I can't stop giggling.
Thank god we finally made it to our destination. We stretched our legs, headed into my uncle's house, and hit the pool!Stay tuned for some highlights and memorable moments from our first family vacation!
Monday, August 3, 2009
A (not so) perfect start to the last week of summer vacation!
The weekend started off with me getting in from a work trip at 8pm, and the airline had lost my luggage. The love of my life had dropped the kids off at the roller rink (per their request to go without him) before picking me up. We headed home and waited to hear about my bag. It said something about arriving at 11pm so we were going to get the kids at 11pm and then go back to the airport. Around 9:45pm the BM calls the love of my life. For an hour she's yelling at him about how irresponsible he is and that she is uncomfortable with them being at the roller rink without him. She then starts yelling at him about the following:
- dropping them off at the mall for a few hours in the afternoon
- standing outside of a small shop while they are looking at stuff inside
- having them run a bag to the car at at a store while he was in their vision
- letting them go next door to swim with the neighbor's granddaughter, because she thought it was just some 40 some year old guy living there alone that we sent the kids to play with.
Great communication by the kids...never trust that the kids are telling the full story of things to the BM, or that the BM is actually a rational human being.
She goes on and on about people getting raped in malls and how she's not letting them do stuff like that until they are 15. 15??? Are you kidding me? They are 12 and almost 14 now. The love of my life says "they have more of a chance of something happening walking to school alone and being alone at home all of the time". She's like "I can't help that...I can't change my job". Then she is freaking out about how she doesn't want us leaving the kids in the ocean alone during our vacation and stupid crap that would never happen. Where exactly is she most of the time with the kids? Not with them...yet, the love of my life is trying to give them a little bit of freedom here for their age and there and he's the horrible parent. Ok...
Then the detox and health stuff for the girl came up, and she says "I'm almost certified in nutrition, I know what I'm doing". Yeah, ok...almost would already be a problem, but she's not even "almost", and I don't think her little voodoo medicine to cure everything with tea tree oil counts. The girl had told us that the detox wasn't that bad, and she only drank it in the morning for 2 days. "It helped her start her diet." (Let me tell you what that diet consisted of while she was on vacation. Jack in the Box, pizza, ice cream, Mexican food, Starbucks, etc. I'm pretty sure it's all against the rules.) Then the love of my life asks the BM why she won't get the girl the HPV shot, and she goes on with this long dissertation of how HPV is made up by the dr's and pharm companies to make money and she is not going to give her a shot that could leave her unable to have kids. Even if it was a vaccine for HIV she wouldn't give it to them because it would cause them to get HIV. Ok... Then somehow she starts in about mammograms and how she never gets them or would never get them because they damage your breast tissue and can give you cancer. Is this chick for real?
So, let's just say that it was interesting to actually hear her crazy talk from sitting next to the love of my life. I really know he's not making this crap up.
We went and got the kids, and the love of my life has a conversation with the girl about why she's calling her mom instead of him. If she's too scared or something he had told her he would come get her. Instead...she calls her mom who is an hour away to say that dad abandoned us. He has a long talk with them about how they are getting older and they need to start taking on more responsibilities and additional freedom. How he doesn't want them living a scared and sheltered life like their mother, and at his house they are going to be allowed to do things they might not be allowed to do at home. He also tells him that if he gets another earful from their mother about the subject these freedoms will end. If they have any issues with anything at all they should discuss them with him first. Their mother is not his mother.
We go to the airport to get my bag (thank god it was there). Get home, do laundry, finally go to bed around 2am. Get up at 7am, get ready, and head out for a 6 hour drive.
Tune into my next installment... Long car rides = Too Much Information!
- dropping them off at the mall for a few hours in the afternoon
- standing outside of a small shop while they are looking at stuff inside
- having them run a bag to the car at at a store while he was in their vision
- letting them go next door to swim with the neighbor's granddaughter, because she thought it was just some 40 some year old guy living there alone that we sent the kids to play with.
Great communication by the kids...never trust that the kids are telling the full story of things to the BM, or that the BM is actually a rational human being.
She goes on and on about people getting raped in malls and how she's not letting them do stuff like that until they are 15. 15??? Are you kidding me? They are 12 and almost 14 now. The love of my life says "they have more of a chance of something happening walking to school alone and being alone at home all of the time". She's like "I can't help that...I can't change my job". Then she is freaking out about how she doesn't want us leaving the kids in the ocean alone during our vacation and stupid crap that would never happen. Where exactly is she most of the time with the kids? Not with them...yet, the love of my life is trying to give them a little bit of freedom here for their age and there and he's the horrible parent. Ok...
Then the detox and health stuff for the girl came up, and she says "I'm almost certified in nutrition, I know what I'm doing". Yeah, ok...almost would already be a problem, but she's not even "almost", and I don't think her little voodoo medicine to cure everything with tea tree oil counts. The girl had told us that the detox wasn't that bad, and she only drank it in the morning for 2 days. "It helped her start her diet." (Let me tell you what that diet consisted of while she was on vacation. Jack in the Box, pizza, ice cream, Mexican food, Starbucks, etc. I'm pretty sure it's all against the rules.) Then the love of my life asks the BM why she won't get the girl the HPV shot, and she goes on with this long dissertation of how HPV is made up by the dr's and pharm companies to make money and she is not going to give her a shot that could leave her unable to have kids. Even if it was a vaccine for HIV she wouldn't give it to them because it would cause them to get HIV. Ok... Then somehow she starts in about mammograms and how she never gets them or would never get them because they damage your breast tissue and can give you cancer. Is this chick for real?
So, let's just say that it was interesting to actually hear her crazy talk from sitting next to the love of my life. I really know he's not making this crap up.
We went and got the kids, and the love of my life has a conversation with the girl about why she's calling her mom instead of him. If she's too scared or something he had told her he would come get her. Instead...she calls her mom who is an hour away to say that dad abandoned us. He has a long talk with them about how they are getting older and they need to start taking on more responsibilities and additional freedom. How he doesn't want them living a scared and sheltered life like their mother, and at his house they are going to be allowed to do things they might not be allowed to do at home. He also tells him that if he gets another earful from their mother about the subject these freedoms will end. If they have any issues with anything at all they should discuss them with him first. Their mother is not his mother.
We go to the airport to get my bag (thank god it was there). Get home, do laundry, finally go to bed around 2am. Get up at 7am, get ready, and head out for a 6 hour drive.
Tune into my next installment... Long car rides = Too Much Information!
Monday, July 20, 2009
A 12 year old on a detox diet...
I know not all BMs are thoughtless and evil. However, this certain case causes me a great deal of concern.
Today, the girl told the love of my life that she is doing the Lemonade Detox Diet. Um....she's 12. You should not be already filling her head with ideas or putting her in situations that can later turn into a full blown eating disorder. Does anyone really think it's appropriate for a 12 year old to be on some kind of Hollywood diet? I really hope everyone's answer is no... the problem is that her own mother seems to think it's a good idea. Is the girl a little overweight...yes, but most of that is normal hormonal changes going on in her body right now. Could she stand to eat a little less bad food and get more exercise? Yes. Who couldn't. It seems like a pretty drastic measure from a pretty ignorant woman to do this to their own daughter.
From growing up with many friends that have had and still have eating disorders I don't exactly have the warm and fuzzy about this whole situation. On the other side of town what can the love of my life and I do? He tried talking to the BM. All she basically said was, "I'm a good mom, mind your own business." Mind your own business? Is that what the dad is supposed to do just because he doesn't have full custody? Should he still not be involved in medical issues surrounding his kids? Let me also point out that the girl is on other medication right now, and I doubt that having her starve herself is going to help with taking those pills.
This makes me think about society in general and when/how eating disorders happen. Does it happen during these most vital pre-teen years? My opinion would be yes. Do girls not have enough peer pressure to push them into drastic measures for weight loss? Do they really need their own mothers to push this crazy shit on them? Honestly? It boggles my mind. Let me make it very clear...this BM is by no means the picture of health. She is not in shape, she smokes, she is not a healthy eater (but claims to be the expert on everything food related), and she looks seriously unhealthy. Taking advice from her would be like taking advice from a seriously overweight personal trainer. You just don't do it. How do we get across healthy eating habits to a 12 year old who only wants to listen to what her mom tells her? I don't want her growing up with all of these body issues or ending up with a full blown eating disorder.
I plan on having a private conversation with her about how she feels about her body, and giving her other ideas on how to be healthy and not always focused on weight alone. Hopefully she will be able to take a little bit of what she learns from us, and mix it in at home or push back on unhealthy weight loss ideas.
Wish me luck!
Today, the girl told the love of my life that she is doing the Lemonade Detox Diet. Um....she's 12. You should not be already filling her head with ideas or putting her in situations that can later turn into a full blown eating disorder. Does anyone really think it's appropriate for a 12 year old to be on some kind of Hollywood diet? I really hope everyone's answer is no... the problem is that her own mother seems to think it's a good idea. Is the girl a little overweight...yes, but most of that is normal hormonal changes going on in her body right now. Could she stand to eat a little less bad food and get more exercise? Yes. Who couldn't. It seems like a pretty drastic measure from a pretty ignorant woman to do this to their own daughter.
From growing up with many friends that have had and still have eating disorders I don't exactly have the warm and fuzzy about this whole situation. On the other side of town what can the love of my life and I do? He tried talking to the BM. All she basically said was, "I'm a good mom, mind your own business." Mind your own business? Is that what the dad is supposed to do just because he doesn't have full custody? Should he still not be involved in medical issues surrounding his kids? Let me also point out that the girl is on other medication right now, and I doubt that having her starve herself is going to help with taking those pills.
This makes me think about society in general and when/how eating disorders happen. Does it happen during these most vital pre-teen years? My opinion would be yes. Do girls not have enough peer pressure to push them into drastic measures for weight loss? Do they really need their own mothers to push this crazy shit on them? Honestly? It boggles my mind. Let me make it very clear...this BM is by no means the picture of health. She is not in shape, she smokes, she is not a healthy eater (but claims to be the expert on everything food related), and she looks seriously unhealthy. Taking advice from her would be like taking advice from a seriously overweight personal trainer. You just don't do it. How do we get across healthy eating habits to a 12 year old who only wants to listen to what her mom tells her? I don't want her growing up with all of these body issues or ending up with a full blown eating disorder.
I plan on having a private conversation with her about how she feels about her body, and giving her other ideas on how to be healthy and not always focused on weight alone. Hopefully she will be able to take a little bit of what she learns from us, and mix it in at home or push back on unhealthy weight loss ideas.
Wish me luck!
Week 3 of summer break...one more to go!
What an interesting week indeed!
First we told the kids about our engagement and since that went over nice and smoothly we just moved right on to our normal weekly activities.
One night this week, the boy had his extracurricular activity (yes, the one where he keeps failing his tests). So, he was retaking the test for the 3rd time. “PLEASE pass this test…PLEASE” I kept telling him. We really did not need to continue his grounding further, especially since the last and final week of our summer is going to be a nice “family” vacation. No time for grounding. Well, the love of my life gives the girl an option to go with him and very briefly stop by her mom’s work to pick up something and then wait for her brother or go with me to run some errands and see a friend and have dinner. She decides that she would rather go with me knowing that she won’t see her mother. Well, at some point the BM finds out that she isn’t coming to see her and starts asking a bunch of questions. Here is what happened next:
The girl: "you still have to go to the store right?"
Me: "yes, I have to get a few things there, and a gift for the baby. Why? Do you need something from there?"
The girl: "um, can we go to the store on the other side of town?"
Me: “Why? Is there something specific you saw there that you wanted to get? I'm sure we can get it over here"
The girl: "no...that's by my mom's work"
Me: "ooookkk, we're not going up there, we have plans and if you wanted to see your mom you could have gone with your dad"
The girl: "I know, but he said I couldn't hang out with her."
Me: “ Isn't she working? Do you really think the 3 of us are going to hang out?"
The girl: "no...you could drop me off and then do your shopping and then come get me"
At this point I start laughing my ass off.
Me: "that's a good one honey, but we aren't going up there. Not only do we not have time, but I'm not driving you to see your mom when you just got here and there is no emergency"
The girl: "but wouldn't you see your mom if you had the chance?"
Me: "um, you had a chance with your dad...you don't have a chance with me"
Seriously? I get that you now feel like you should have gone to see your mom to spare her feelings (I’m sure the BM was not happy that her daughter decided to hang with me than to see her for 2 seconds), but come on. On the other side of town. Hell no, this is not happening. I make it known that it is a ridiculous idea and that it isn’t going to happen. I figure I’ve put this issue to rest.
We go to my friend’s house, have a nice evening, and go to leave around 8pm. The love of my life and the boy won’t be back until about 9pm. In the car…she asks AGAIN!
The girl: “can we go now?”
Me: “go where?”
The girl: “to see my mom?”
Me: “no, it’s still the same distance as it was earlier and we aren’t going”
The girl: looking at me like I’m the devil
Later, when the love of my life and the boy get home, the first thing the boy says is, “nice job girl, you lied to mom and then she asked me where you were”
Turns out that she told her mom some tall tale about how dad wouldn’t let her see mom, and so she HAD to go with me. Later when we look at her cell phone we see the texts back and forth with her and mom.
The girl: "mom, don't forget my stuff. talk to you tonight when you get off of work"
BM: "aren't you coming with your dad?"
The girl: "sadly, no"
BM: "why not?"
The girl: "well, dad said I could only run in and get my stuff and say hi and not hang out"
BM: "well, you could at least say hi"
The girl: "is there a store by your work?"
BM, "yes, why?"
The girl: "I have an idea"
BM: "ok, hope to see you"
The girl: "me too"
Ok, rule number one…don’t try to play me. You will always lose. Especially if you are a kid. Rule number two…don’t try to lie about what is really going on, and then continue to lie about to anyone you think will listen. We all know it's a lie already...give it up.
The boy was getting all kinds of questions from the BM about the wedding and the ring. He tells her, “it’s got a bunch of small ones and then one huge one that’s like BAM…in your face big”. Gotta love him! Of course she wants to know what’s going on because she’s trying to add up how much money she thinks she should be getting instead of her ex having some. She wasn’t saying a word to the love of my life about any of it though. At the end of the week, we quickly found out why. Apparently the BM has had her boyfriend of 4 months move in with them. She’s going to work part-time and go back to school. Uh huh…yeah…for a 3rd degree that won’t even get used. That’s nice that you have 3 incomes coming into your house, but you can’t buy the kids any clothes or take them to the doctor when they really need it. I’m sure this new guy will either get baby trapped shortly or he’ll realize the kind of money grubbing woman he’s dealing with and bail. I’m sure that right now though he thinks he’s hit the goldmine with all the money she’s getting, and all he has to do is help pay some bills and watch her kids. I guess whatever it takes for her to do the least amount of work to get money, and have men pay for her. I think there is another word for what she does, but I know you all know where I’m going with that so I don’t need to say it.
The rest of the week was pretty normal and uneventful. We watched some movies, went out, and had a fun family night out on Friday where the boy met a girl. He’s so excited that he now wants to go back and see her again this coming weekend. Ah, to be 13 again…
Before they left I did have a total meltdown about the house not being clean enough, which wasn’t all that big of a deal aside from the fact that I was still pissed about the money grubbing BM so I was already more irritated than usual. In the end all was made up and the house got cleaned. The kids finally went home and we spent the rest of the weekend registering for our wedding and playing Guitar Hero…yes…Guitar Hero! That game rocks!
Until next time…when I tell you all about how our first “family” vacation goes while staying with my family! Thank god they love to drink wine (my family…not the kids)!
First we told the kids about our engagement and since that went over nice and smoothly we just moved right on to our normal weekly activities.
One night this week, the boy had his extracurricular activity (yes, the one where he keeps failing his tests). So, he was retaking the test for the 3rd time. “PLEASE pass this test…PLEASE” I kept telling him. We really did not need to continue his grounding further, especially since the last and final week of our summer is going to be a nice “family” vacation. No time for grounding. Well, the love of my life gives the girl an option to go with him and very briefly stop by her mom’s work to pick up something and then wait for her brother or go with me to run some errands and see a friend and have dinner. She decides that she would rather go with me knowing that she won’t see her mother. Well, at some point the BM finds out that she isn’t coming to see her and starts asking a bunch of questions. Here is what happened next:
The girl: "you still have to go to the store right?"
Me: "yes, I have to get a few things there, and a gift for the baby. Why? Do you need something from there?"
The girl: "um, can we go to the store on the other side of town?"
Me: “Why? Is there something specific you saw there that you wanted to get? I'm sure we can get it over here"
The girl: "no...that's by my mom's work"
Me: "ooookkk, we're not going up there, we have plans and if you wanted to see your mom you could have gone with your dad"
The girl: "I know, but he said I couldn't hang out with her."
Me: “ Isn't she working? Do you really think the 3 of us are going to hang out?"
The girl: "no...you could drop me off and then do your shopping and then come get me"
At this point I start laughing my ass off.
Me: "that's a good one honey, but we aren't going up there. Not only do we not have time, but I'm not driving you to see your mom when you just got here and there is no emergency"
The girl: "but wouldn't you see your mom if you had the chance?"
Me: "um, you had a chance with your dad...you don't have a chance with me"
Seriously? I get that you now feel like you should have gone to see your mom to spare her feelings (I’m sure the BM was not happy that her daughter decided to hang with me than to see her for 2 seconds), but come on. On the other side of town. Hell no, this is not happening. I make it known that it is a ridiculous idea and that it isn’t going to happen. I figure I’ve put this issue to rest.
We go to my friend’s house, have a nice evening, and go to leave around 8pm. The love of my life and the boy won’t be back until about 9pm. In the car…she asks AGAIN!
The girl: “can we go now?”
Me: “go where?”
The girl: “to see my mom?”
Me: “no, it’s still the same distance as it was earlier and we aren’t going”
The girl: looking at me like I’m the devil
Later, when the love of my life and the boy get home, the first thing the boy says is, “nice job girl, you lied to mom and then she asked me where you were”
Turns out that she told her mom some tall tale about how dad wouldn’t let her see mom, and so she HAD to go with me. Later when we look at her cell phone we see the texts back and forth with her and mom.
The girl: "mom, don't forget my stuff. talk to you tonight when you get off of work"
BM: "aren't you coming with your dad?"
The girl: "sadly, no"
BM: "why not?"
The girl: "well, dad said I could only run in and get my stuff and say hi and not hang out"
BM: "well, you could at least say hi"
The girl: "is there a store by your work?"
BM, "yes, why?"
The girl: "I have an idea"
BM: "ok, hope to see you"
The girl: "me too"
Ok, rule number one…don’t try to play me. You will always lose. Especially if you are a kid. Rule number two…don’t try to lie about what is really going on, and then continue to lie about to anyone you think will listen. We all know it's a lie already...give it up.
The boy was getting all kinds of questions from the BM about the wedding and the ring. He tells her, “it’s got a bunch of small ones and then one huge one that’s like BAM…in your face big”. Gotta love him! Of course she wants to know what’s going on because she’s trying to add up how much money she thinks she should be getting instead of her ex having some. She wasn’t saying a word to the love of my life about any of it though. At the end of the week, we quickly found out why. Apparently the BM has had her boyfriend of 4 months move in with them. She’s going to work part-time and go back to school. Uh huh…yeah…for a 3rd degree that won’t even get used. That’s nice that you have 3 incomes coming into your house, but you can’t buy the kids any clothes or take them to the doctor when they really need it. I’m sure this new guy will either get baby trapped shortly or he’ll realize the kind of money grubbing woman he’s dealing with and bail. I’m sure that right now though he thinks he’s hit the goldmine with all the money she’s getting, and all he has to do is help pay some bills and watch her kids. I guess whatever it takes for her to do the least amount of work to get money, and have men pay for her. I think there is another word for what she does, but I know you all know where I’m going with that so I don’t need to say it.
The rest of the week was pretty normal and uneventful. We watched some movies, went out, and had a fun family night out on Friday where the boy met a girl. He’s so excited that he now wants to go back and see her again this coming weekend. Ah, to be 13 again…
Before they left I did have a total meltdown about the house not being clean enough, which wasn’t all that big of a deal aside from the fact that I was still pissed about the money grubbing BM so I was already more irritated than usual. In the end all was made up and the house got cleaned. The kids finally went home and we spent the rest of the weekend registering for our wedding and playing Guitar Hero…yes…Guitar Hero! That game rocks!
Until next time…when I tell you all about how our first “family” vacation goes while staying with my family! Thank god they love to drink wine (my family…not the kids)!
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Reaction!
I spent the day at the spa enjoying my engagement and preparing for our announcement to the kids. When I got home the love of my life tells me that he accidentally left pics of our trip out in the bedroom they stay in so the boy saw pictures of my ring. Doh! Weren’t we trying to tell them together in person? The boy asks him, “So…why is she taking pictures of a ring? Did she get a new ring?” Um yeah, she got a new ring alright. They didn’t continue the conversation, but when I arrived home about 30 minutes later, the first thing the boy says, “so, I see you got a new ring.” I’m like, “yeah, nice huh?” He’s like, “did you get that on your trip?” “Um yeah.” Finally we decide to just make the announcement and start the conversation.
The boy’s first reaction was, “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it was an engagement ring!” He proceeds to tell us how he knew it was coming and he’s totally cool with it because it’s not much different than things are now with us living together. Very true…smart kid!
The girl’s first reaction was to go back into the house and not really talk about it, but NO WAY…the love of my life wanted this out in the open. He has her come back outside to talk about it, and she finally says, “yeah, it’s kinda weird, but I’m not surprised”.
We talk for awhile at dinner about the wedding, when it will happen, and the love of my life tells them how he would like for them to stand up in the wedding also. He asks the boy to be his best man, and he is through the roof excited. “Can I plan a bachelor party? Can I drink? Do I get to make a speech?” Um, first of all…you are still a young teenager so you won’t be planning some kind of stripper bachelor party or drinking booze. Nice try though kid…I give you props for asking. He will get to give a speech and he’s so excited. I think he’s words are, “this is awesome…I get to be the best man!” The girl is excited because she gets to be in a wedding, loves dresses, and realizes now that she gets to help pick the wedding cake. A personal favorite food for her, and she is more than willing to lend a hand with that job.
Overall, the conversation and reaction are all WAY better than I imagined.
Then they call the BM to tell her. The girl spends very little time talking to her and says, “I told her you are getting married, but I don’t want to tell her too much and hurt her feelings.” Smart kid too, and this is great because the less the BM knows…the better. I know the BM is going to start adding things up in her head trying to figure out how much money we are spending on things, and how much she thinks she should be getting in more child support and alimony. Because all this BM cares about is money…and let’s be very clear that she gets more money per month than she deserves. The boy gets on the phone and very excitedly proceeds to tell the BM all about how awesome things are going to be, and how happy he is about being the best man. She then asks him, “so, did you say yes?” “well of course mom…it’s going to be awesome!” Points for us!
A very interesting night, but all in all we got very good reactions from them. No telling what’s to come…
The boy’s first reaction was, “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it was an engagement ring!” He proceeds to tell us how he knew it was coming and he’s totally cool with it because it’s not much different than things are now with us living together. Very true…smart kid!
The girl’s first reaction was to go back into the house and not really talk about it, but NO WAY…the love of my life wanted this out in the open. He has her come back outside to talk about it, and she finally says, “yeah, it’s kinda weird, but I’m not surprised”.
We talk for awhile at dinner about the wedding, when it will happen, and the love of my life tells them how he would like for them to stand up in the wedding also. He asks the boy to be his best man, and he is through the roof excited. “Can I plan a bachelor party? Can I drink? Do I get to make a speech?” Um, first of all…you are still a young teenager so you won’t be planning some kind of stripper bachelor party or drinking booze. Nice try though kid…I give you props for asking. He will get to give a speech and he’s so excited. I think he’s words are, “this is awesome…I get to be the best man!” The girl is excited because she gets to be in a wedding, loves dresses, and realizes now that she gets to help pick the wedding cake. A personal favorite food for her, and she is more than willing to lend a hand with that job.
Overall, the conversation and reaction are all WAY better than I imagined.
Then they call the BM to tell her. The girl spends very little time talking to her and says, “I told her you are getting married, but I don’t want to tell her too much and hurt her feelings.” Smart kid too, and this is great because the less the BM knows…the better. I know the BM is going to start adding things up in her head trying to figure out how much money we are spending on things, and how much she thinks she should be getting in more child support and alimony. Because all this BM cares about is money…and let’s be very clear that she gets more money per month than she deserves. The boy gets on the phone and very excitedly proceeds to tell the BM all about how awesome things are going to be, and how happy he is about being the best man. She then asks him, “so, did you say yes?” “well of course mom…it’s going to be awesome!” Points for us!
A very interesting night, but all in all we got very good reactions from them. No telling what’s to come…
Friday, July 10, 2009
When changes get made to the visitation schedule...
I'm not a very religious person, but someone told me a joke once..."How do you make God laugh?" The answer..."Plan ahead". I think this also rings true for any kind of family where kids are involved.
Anyone who knows me knows that I live by my calendar. I love to have things planned, and I try to make sure I have everything scheduled accordingly...
As most stepmoms will tell you, having a schedule can prove to be a big waste of time. Just when you think you are getting the kids on a Friday night, you find out that one or both have other plans they would like to make. Usually the BM has a conflict in whether or not she can pick up or drop off the kids and when. This week was already going to be tricky because we have them for our 3rd week of 4 weeks of summer visitation (a total of 7 days). The girl was going to come a few days after the boy since she has a sleepover she wanted to attend, but now of course 12 hours before the boy is supposed to get picked up...he too has something he wants to do and not come until the next day. We were all ready to start telling the kids about the engagement, and as the time started to near...my anxiety has been on high. Only to now have 2 more days to wait to tell them.
I should be 110% happy about this. I get 2 more nights alone with the love of my life before having the kids for a week straight. Not to mention that I will be gone the day (at the spa celebrating my engagement) they are now supposed to arrive (removing my irritation of the BM being late). This also helps that we will be able to tell the kids together at the same time now instead of one before the other. It seems like it all works out. However, it still bugs me a little. We spent yesterday making sure that we had the grocery shopping done in time for their arrival, and now next weekend we will have them longer than planned to make up for the lost time.
I look forward to when the kids are coming. It's the strangest relationship to me sometimes because we spend so much personal time together when they are there, but then when they are gone...I don't talk to them the entire time. As much as I get excited that they are coming...I also have to mentally prepare for their arrival. Because of the fact that we don't talk for generally 2 full weeks they bombard me the second we see each other. "We have to tell you this" "let me tell you that" "listen to me" "look at me" "talk to me" "let me follow you around like a puppy dog". I'm happy they are so excited to tell me things and show me things, but it can be overload at first when you've had a house full of silence for a few weeks. From the second they arrive they expect that you will be entertaining them 24x7 for the next however many days they are there. Going to bed early (10pm...which is NOT early for me given I have a day job) seems unacceptable to them. Best put...you are their circus act. Preparing for them to arrive is like I'm preparing for a big family visit. What food do we have? Which nights am I going to make sure I have plans outside of the house so they have time alone with their dad (and time away for me)? Which nights will we commit to doing something particular with them? Because trust me...they will want to know exactly how the week is planned out the minute they walk in the door. In this respect...maybe they are like me. Always wanting to "have a plan". I can respect that. What drives me crazy is that everyone else can change the plan at a moments notice...and I'm the one who is just along for the ride. If the love of my life called the BM or the kids to tell them that plans had to be changed because of me...OMG...WW3 would bust out.
I just really want to tell the kids about the engagement. I'm ready. I'm more than ready. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, worried, scared...but most I just can't wait to see how it all plays out. Just a few more days...a few more!
Anyone who knows me knows that I live by my calendar. I love to have things planned, and I try to make sure I have everything scheduled accordingly...
- The weekends we have the love of my life's kids
- Our summer schedule of when we have the kids
- Their school events or other events that involve the kids
- My work travel schedules
- The love of my life's work travel schedules
- Social events
- Work events
- Birthdays
- Holidays
As most stepmoms will tell you, having a schedule can prove to be a big waste of time. Just when you think you are getting the kids on a Friday night, you find out that one or both have other plans they would like to make. Usually the BM has a conflict in whether or not she can pick up or drop off the kids and when. This week was already going to be tricky because we have them for our 3rd week of 4 weeks of summer visitation (a total of 7 days). The girl was going to come a few days after the boy since she has a sleepover she wanted to attend, but now of course 12 hours before the boy is supposed to get picked up...he too has something he wants to do and not come until the next day. We were all ready to start telling the kids about the engagement, and as the time started to near...my anxiety has been on high. Only to now have 2 more days to wait to tell them.
I should be 110% happy about this. I get 2 more nights alone with the love of my life before having the kids for a week straight. Not to mention that I will be gone the day (at the spa celebrating my engagement) they are now supposed to arrive (removing my irritation of the BM being late). This also helps that we will be able to tell the kids together at the same time now instead of one before the other. It seems like it all works out. However, it still bugs me a little. We spent yesterday making sure that we had the grocery shopping done in time for their arrival, and now next weekend we will have them longer than planned to make up for the lost time.
I look forward to when the kids are coming. It's the strangest relationship to me sometimes because we spend so much personal time together when they are there, but then when they are gone...I don't talk to them the entire time. As much as I get excited that they are coming...I also have to mentally prepare for their arrival. Because of the fact that we don't talk for generally 2 full weeks they bombard me the second we see each other. "We have to tell you this" "let me tell you that" "listen to me" "look at me" "talk to me" "let me follow you around like a puppy dog". I'm happy they are so excited to tell me things and show me things, but it can be overload at first when you've had a house full of silence for a few weeks. From the second they arrive they expect that you will be entertaining them 24x7 for the next however many days they are there. Going to bed early (10pm...which is NOT early for me given I have a day job) seems unacceptable to them. Best put...you are their circus act. Preparing for them to arrive is like I'm preparing for a big family visit. What food do we have? Which nights am I going to make sure I have plans outside of the house so they have time alone with their dad (and time away for me)? Which nights will we commit to doing something particular with them? Because trust me...they will want to know exactly how the week is planned out the minute they walk in the door. In this respect...maybe they are like me. Always wanting to "have a plan". I can respect that. What drives me crazy is that everyone else can change the plan at a moments notice...and I'm the one who is just along for the ride. If the love of my life called the BM or the kids to tell them that plans had to be changed because of me...OMG...WW3 would bust out.
I just really want to tell the kids about the engagement. I'm ready. I'm more than ready. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, worried, scared...but most I just can't wait to see how it all plays out. Just a few more days...a few more!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
We're Engaged!!!
I am so excited that he finally popped the question, and it is really official that we are getting married! He asked me during a romantic getaway, and of course I said yes! I have never loved someone like I love him, and I couldn't think of someone I'd rather spend my life with. He's loving, thoughtful, a great dad, someone I can always count on, treats me with love and respect, honest, outgoing, trusting, and most of all my best friend. So, he has a couple of kids and an ex-wife. I've met men with worse baggage...
The only thing I'm nervous about now is telling the kids the news...
This should come as no surprise to them considering that we have been talking about it for at least 7-8 months in order to get them used to the idea. We never wanted it to come as a shock to them, and generally a first reaction isn't going to be the best. It has taken time to warm them up to this idea. LOTS of time. At first it was an outright "NO, we don't want you ever getting married again". Not because it's me, but of course like so many other things...because I'm not their mom. However, over time they have warmed up to the idea and recently said, "we've thought about it, and it's really not going to be any different if you get married than it is now. We're ok with it." I have to point out though that they made sure we knew that they are not yet ok with the idea of their dad having more kids...with me. That will be the next challenge...
So, with that said, we are waiting to tell them in person when the love of my life has them for our 3rd summer week. We have our ideas of what kind of reaction we are going to get. From the boy..."yeah, ok, whatever". From the girl, "um...ok...I need to call mom".
This is the part I'm not looking forward to. The BM's reaction, and her communication to the kids about it. Will she change their feelings about it? Even though she most likely won't be shocked about it, she will have some kind of reaction that I mostly guess is not going to be positive. Cue the self-pity and poor me crap. Somehow she'll make our happy moment about her and how horrible things are for her, or better yet try to take him to court thinking he's got so much money because he bought me a ring.
I love this man with all my heart, and know that no marriage or life is perfect...but sometimes I wish there wasn't always some BM in the background ready to make judgements or try to dictate things. That's why I'm glad that we've been able to enjoy our engagement for a week in private before calling in the stepfamily circus :)
I'll blog again with the actual reactions soon...
The only thing I'm nervous about now is telling the kids the news...
This should come as no surprise to them considering that we have been talking about it for at least 7-8 months in order to get them used to the idea. We never wanted it to come as a shock to them, and generally a first reaction isn't going to be the best. It has taken time to warm them up to this idea. LOTS of time. At first it was an outright "NO, we don't want you ever getting married again". Not because it's me, but of course like so many other things...because I'm not their mom. However, over time they have warmed up to the idea and recently said, "we've thought about it, and it's really not going to be any different if you get married than it is now. We're ok with it." I have to point out though that they made sure we knew that they are not yet ok with the idea of their dad having more kids...with me. That will be the next challenge...
So, with that said, we are waiting to tell them in person when the love of my life has them for our 3rd summer week. We have our ideas of what kind of reaction we are going to get. From the boy..."yeah, ok, whatever". From the girl, "um...ok...I need to call mom".
This is the part I'm not looking forward to. The BM's reaction, and her communication to the kids about it. Will she change their feelings about it? Even though she most likely won't be shocked about it, she will have some kind of reaction that I mostly guess is not going to be positive. Cue the self-pity and poor me crap. Somehow she'll make our happy moment about her and how horrible things are for her, or better yet try to take him to court thinking he's got so much money because he bought me a ring.
I love this man with all my heart, and know that no marriage or life is perfect...but sometimes I wish there wasn't always some BM in the background ready to make judgements or try to dictate things. That's why I'm glad that we've been able to enjoy our engagement for a week in private before calling in the stepfamily circus :)
I'll blog again with the actual reactions soon...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
2 weeks down, 2 to go!
We close out the 2nd week (out of 4) for the summer with the love of my life's kids.
The week started off with a very nice Father's Day. We picked them up from their house and went to breakfast. Let's note that for Mother's Day...the BM couldn't even bother to show up at our house to pick up the kids as promised at 7am to go to breakfast, and instead sent her boyfriend (over an hour late) to get them and then didn't do anything with them for the day as promised. There was no way that we would be late picking them up. When you promise the kids that you are coming to get them and take them to breakfast...you do it.
The rest of the week was mostly filled with typical stuff. The boy failing a test for an extracurricular activity he's involved in, getting grounded, bitching, etc. The girl, questioning every move we make, or putting her 2 cents into every single conversation. Typical teenage stuff as it goes. Well, other than the boy staring at my chest or butt every 5 seconds. Now, I know that he's 13...and I'm totally hot (just kidding), but seriously...I'm going to be your stepmom. Ewe. The love of my life says it's normal, but even he is getting sick and tired of seeing the boy try to stare down my shirt every chance he gets.
When we have the kids we are pretty much doing stuff with them all the time. We take walks together, watch movies together, play games together, spend a lot of time talking and laughing. What I get really sick of is how they talk about how the BM can't do anything with them because she's "too busy working", "too tired", "not feeling well", "has no money". It's bullshit, and I'm sick of the poor mom crap. I'm not their mom, and I do more with them than their mother ever does or will. For the people reading my blog that are not stepmoms, but are as you call yourselves "real moms"...please remember that you decided to have a kid. Spend time with them, be interested in what they do, make time for them even when you don't feel like it. Life moves too fast and co-existing does NOT count as "spending time together".
For example, the girl bought this book about how to make crafts out of recycled goods. We sat down together for hours just working on making things together. This is one of the sweet times together when she's not looking at me like, "you're not my mom".
This year they also took part in celebrating my birthday. Last year you would have thought it was an unreasonable request for them to do something for me. However, if I didn't do something for them for their birthday's...holy shit...the world would fall apart. This year the love of my life made sure to have them participate which to my shock they did not object. They got excited about it, and got me 2 gifts...#1.) a back massager. No, this is not a vibrator, but an actual back massager. The second gift (that they promised was "the most thoughtful") was a Snuggie. Now, we do joke around about how retarded the Snuggie is a lot, but did I think that would be the "thoughtful" gift. No, but they were really excited and it was funny as hell. Thank god they got me a tan/brown one and not monk red. Now we need to just wait for it not to be 110 degrees outside!
A few other things to note:
Games you should NOT play with teenagers:
1.) Twister - for obvious reasons we no longer play this. If you don't understand why...think back to my comment about the boy looking down my shirt and staring at my ass.
2.) Scrabble SLAM - seems like a harmless game, but it's based on 4 letter words. 13 year old boys love to start the game with the word COCK...supposedly "like the rooster". uh huh
The only thing that still works with teenagers:
1.) Bribery - "if you don't fight with each other all week, we'll have a special day at the end of the week" This shit still works. Take it while you can...
Conversations that always happen:
1.) Anything in regards to sex or the changing of their bodies - do we always need to talk about masturbation or periods? Yes...yes we do. I encourage everyone to have an open relationship with any kids around them about these things, but sometimes they will say more than you bargained for. "Dad, what does it mean when they say you can go blind from touching yourself too much?" First, stop choking on whatever you are eating/drinking. Second, think of a clever answer that doesn't make him feel like a Catholic kid who grows up with sexual issues. Their dad's answer, "well, am I blind? No? Well, then...carry on". Just when you think the conversation has ended...it hasn't. "So dad, how old are you when you stop?" Dad, "um, I wasn't aware you ever really stop." The boy, "you mean, you don't stop when you get married?" Dad, "I'm pretty sure you do it more when you're married". Ah...one of life's little lessons :)
2.) They will always tell you things that the BM says behind your back or their dad's back that will infuriate you. Things like, "dad, mom said that you are an irresponsible parent". It's always because of something that SHE did that she's trying to take any kind of attention away from her for. Another personal favorite..."mom, I don't like your boyfriend being around all the time, can we get just a little time alone with you?" Her response, "that's a double standard because your dad lives with someone." Um yeah, and I gladly retreat to a bar, a spa day, my room, or any other quiet padded room when they are here sometimes in order for them to get time alone with their dad. She will blame her own bad parenting on anyone else other than herself, and usually it has to do with your man or you, and she makes it known to the kids.
And then, the time in the week everyone looks forward to...the last day. Sunday! The kids are looking forward to going home to sleep in their own beds and not on an air mattress, and to not have "so many rules". We are looking forward to having some alone time, aka: sex, sleeping, watching what we want to watch. Everyone stares at the clock watching the minutes turn into seconds as it nears 8pm. The BM should be here any minute. Will she? OF COURSE NOT...because she's ALWAYS late. ALWAYS. God forbid she wants to see her kids on time after not seeing them for over a week. Now, the best part is how she has given the "poor me" talk to the kids over and over. "We can't go to the movies, I can't take you to dinner, we can't go for a walk because my back hurts." What has she done all week while the kids are with us? Movies, the mall, dinner, taking walks with the BF. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't have a life. Please god...DO have a life, you will then be less of a whine bag to the love of my life which means that he will be happier. But for crying out loud...don't tell your kids that you have NO TIME to do things, but the second they aren't there start doing all the stuff they beg you to do.
Me...I have a big mouth sometimes. "So, you're telling me that your mom has time for all this stuff when you are gone? That's really nice. You should talk to her about that..." Then again, maybe that is my own little way of making her 45 minute car ride (that she claims costs her $20 a trip to make) very uncomfortable. Like the uncomfortable 45 minutes we had to endure while we sat around and waited for her to finally show up.
The week started off with a very nice Father's Day. We picked them up from their house and went to breakfast. Let's note that for Mother's Day...the BM couldn't even bother to show up at our house to pick up the kids as promised at 7am to go to breakfast, and instead sent her boyfriend (over an hour late) to get them and then didn't do anything with them for the day as promised. There was no way that we would be late picking them up. When you promise the kids that you are coming to get them and take them to breakfast...you do it.
The rest of the week was mostly filled with typical stuff. The boy failing a test for an extracurricular activity he's involved in, getting grounded, bitching, etc. The girl, questioning every move we make, or putting her 2 cents into every single conversation. Typical teenage stuff as it goes. Well, other than the boy staring at my chest or butt every 5 seconds. Now, I know that he's 13...and I'm totally hot (just kidding), but seriously...I'm going to be your stepmom. Ewe. The love of my life says it's normal, but even he is getting sick and tired of seeing the boy try to stare down my shirt every chance he gets.
When we have the kids we are pretty much doing stuff with them all the time. We take walks together, watch movies together, play games together, spend a lot of time talking and laughing. What I get really sick of is how they talk about how the BM can't do anything with them because she's "too busy working", "too tired", "not feeling well", "has no money". It's bullshit, and I'm sick of the poor mom crap. I'm not their mom, and I do more with them than their mother ever does or will. For the people reading my blog that are not stepmoms, but are as you call yourselves "real moms"...please remember that you decided to have a kid. Spend time with them, be interested in what they do, make time for them even when you don't feel like it. Life moves too fast and co-existing does NOT count as "spending time together".
For example, the girl bought this book about how to make crafts out of recycled goods. We sat down together for hours just working on making things together. This is one of the sweet times together when she's not looking at me like, "you're not my mom".
This year they also took part in celebrating my birthday. Last year you would have thought it was an unreasonable request for them to do something for me. However, if I didn't do something for them for their birthday's...holy shit...the world would fall apart. This year the love of my life made sure to have them participate which to my shock they did not object. They got excited about it, and got me 2 gifts...#1.) a back massager. No, this is not a vibrator, but an actual back massager. The second gift (that they promised was "the most thoughtful") was a Snuggie. Now, we do joke around about how retarded the Snuggie is a lot, but did I think that would be the "thoughtful" gift. No, but they were really excited and it was funny as hell. Thank god they got me a tan/brown one and not monk red. Now we need to just wait for it not to be 110 degrees outside!
A few other things to note:
Games you should NOT play with teenagers:
1.) Twister - for obvious reasons we no longer play this. If you don't understand why...think back to my comment about the boy looking down my shirt and staring at my ass.
2.) Scrabble SLAM - seems like a harmless game, but it's based on 4 letter words. 13 year old boys love to start the game with the word COCK...supposedly "like the rooster". uh huh
The only thing that still works with teenagers:
1.) Bribery - "if you don't fight with each other all week, we'll have a special day at the end of the week" This shit still works. Take it while you can...
Conversations that always happen:
1.) Anything in regards to sex or the changing of their bodies - do we always need to talk about masturbation or periods? Yes...yes we do. I encourage everyone to have an open relationship with any kids around them about these things, but sometimes they will say more than you bargained for. "Dad, what does it mean when they say you can go blind from touching yourself too much?" First, stop choking on whatever you are eating/drinking. Second, think of a clever answer that doesn't make him feel like a Catholic kid who grows up with sexual issues. Their dad's answer, "well, am I blind? No? Well, then...carry on". Just when you think the conversation has ended...it hasn't. "So dad, how old are you when you stop?" Dad, "um, I wasn't aware you ever really stop." The boy, "you mean, you don't stop when you get married?" Dad, "I'm pretty sure you do it more when you're married". Ah...one of life's little lessons :)
2.) They will always tell you things that the BM says behind your back or their dad's back that will infuriate you. Things like, "dad, mom said that you are an irresponsible parent". It's always because of something that SHE did that she's trying to take any kind of attention away from her for. Another personal favorite..."mom, I don't like your boyfriend being around all the time, can we get just a little time alone with you?" Her response, "that's a double standard because your dad lives with someone." Um yeah, and I gladly retreat to a bar, a spa day, my room, or any other quiet padded room when they are here sometimes in order for them to get time alone with their dad. She will blame her own bad parenting on anyone else other than herself, and usually it has to do with your man or you, and she makes it known to the kids.
And then, the time in the week everyone looks forward to...the last day. Sunday! The kids are looking forward to going home to sleep in their own beds and not on an air mattress, and to not have "so many rules". We are looking forward to having some alone time, aka: sex, sleeping, watching what we want to watch. Everyone stares at the clock watching the minutes turn into seconds as it nears 8pm. The BM should be here any minute. Will she? OF COURSE NOT...because she's ALWAYS late. ALWAYS. God forbid she wants to see her kids on time after not seeing them for over a week. Now, the best part is how she has given the "poor me" talk to the kids over and over. "We can't go to the movies, I can't take you to dinner, we can't go for a walk because my back hurts." What has she done all week while the kids are with us? Movies, the mall, dinner, taking walks with the BF. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't have a life. Please god...DO have a life, you will then be less of a whine bag to the love of my life which means that he will be happier. But for crying out loud...don't tell your kids that you have NO TIME to do things, but the second they aren't there start doing all the stuff they beg you to do.
Me...I have a big mouth sometimes. "So, you're telling me that your mom has time for all this stuff when you are gone? That's really nice. You should talk to her about that..." Then again, maybe that is my own little way of making her 45 minute car ride (that she claims costs her $20 a trip to make) very uncomfortable. Like the uncomfortable 45 minutes we had to endure while we sat around and waited for her to finally show up.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A little bit of background...
Let me start by saying...
I love my life! I love the "love of my life" and his kids! However, this has not always been the case.
At 29 years old I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought I did. When I met the "love of my life" we worked together and were friends first. He told me everything about his baggage and responsibilities. I knew he had 2 kids (pre-teens), but I thought "what's the big deal? I love kids, and kids love me." The part I didn't really think about was that they were another woman's kids. Not the kind of woman who is your sister, your aunt, or your best friend...an ex-wife. This means that the kids already have a mom, and no matter what you do or say...they will never let you forget that.
Believe me, I get it. I don't want to be their mom. They have a mom already that they love very much and should. Figuring out how our part-time family fits together though...that is one hell of an adventure!
That is where this blog comes in. We've been living together with the kids every other weekend and 1/2 the summers for over a year now. I know there are some crazy stories from the past year that I don't have posted here, but there are so many more to come!
With so many stepmoms out there, I have only been lucky enough to have one of the most amazing stepmoms as a friend of mine. She has helped me through this crazy transition of life, and I could never survive it without her, our drinks, and our spa days! You know who you are, and I love you!!!
To the love of my life: Thank you for being so supportive, caring, and level headed when I'm not. You have been the best partner one could ask for, and I look forward to our entire journey! I love you more than you will ever know!
I love my life! I love the "love of my life" and his kids! However, this has not always been the case.
At 29 years old I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought I did. When I met the "love of my life" we worked together and were friends first. He told me everything about his baggage and responsibilities. I knew he had 2 kids (pre-teens), but I thought "what's the big deal? I love kids, and kids love me." The part I didn't really think about was that they were another woman's kids. Not the kind of woman who is your sister, your aunt, or your best friend...an ex-wife. This means that the kids already have a mom, and no matter what you do or say...they will never let you forget that.
Believe me, I get it. I don't want to be their mom. They have a mom already that they love very much and should. Figuring out how our part-time family fits together though...that is one hell of an adventure!
That is where this blog comes in. We've been living together with the kids every other weekend and 1/2 the summers for over a year now. I know there are some crazy stories from the past year that I don't have posted here, but there are so many more to come!
With so many stepmoms out there, I have only been lucky enough to have one of the most amazing stepmoms as a friend of mine. She has helped me through this crazy transition of life, and I could never survive it without her, our drinks, and our spa days! You know who you are, and I love you!!!
To the love of my life: Thank you for being so supportive, caring, and level headed when I'm not. You have been the best partner one could ask for, and I look forward to our entire journey! I love you more than you will ever know!
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