Wednesday, December 7, 2011
At the time I thought I would never get over it, and while I'm no where near "over it" I have returned to what I believe is my old self. About mid-September I decided I couldn't be upset and miserable anymore. It was so depressing, but I didn't know how to get out of it. My BFF suggested that since I've found so much help through stepmom forums/blogs to do the same thing in regards to IVF. I did and have been very thankful to share my journey with some of those ladies.
I also decided to get my ass to the gym and work off the weight I had put on with all the medications and lack of exercise. I set a goal and signed up for a running event before Thanksgiving and every morning started getting up at 4:45am to go to a spin class or to run. I focused on it while out of town, I forced myself to do it every day. And I can happily say that out of 2 months I only missed about 4 or 5 days. As the miles and days passed my anger/resentment/sadness started to pass too.
Things with my family have been much better. I don't look at my skids anymore with resentment of their existence and in fact have been bonding with them more now than ever. SS has turned 16 and has been having some crazy teen drama going on that he has felt comfortable to share with me. Sometimes we sit and talk for hours about life. My SD has recently gotten her first high school boyfriend and has been exploding with excitement and wanting to sit and talk about boys and if her feelings are normal, etc.
My husband doesn't look at me like I might fall apart any minute anymore. I hope that continues :) We do have frozen embryos so we will try again soon and keep our fingers crossed.
Frankly the only major issue I've had lately is with my mother. The woman can be such a bitch I can't stand it! She texted me (yes, TEXTED, because my mom no longer knows how to actually dial a phone anymore) and asked me if I was pregnant because of a pic she saw on FB where she felt my belly was "filling out". First of all, no. Second of all, I just dropped 10 lbs and she's asking me this? AND she's asking me this over a text message? Really, after she knows everything I've been through? I pretty much laid into her via text back and haven't spoken to her since. She of course tried to turn it around on me, and even contacted my husband who told her she is in the wrong and needs to apologize. Apology from my mother? Yeah right! The woman is the spitting image of BM (or would it really be the other way around), and has never seen the wrong she has ever done...she's always pointing fingers. Probably why I despise BM so much and feel so bad for the skids because I know what it's like having a mother who is so self involved and so full of herself and excuses you could puke. I'm just glad she lives in another state so that I can avoid her as much as possible.
We did have a bit of an issue with BM where she almost had to have back surgery and was laid up for a few weeks. She immediately tried to get sympathy from my DH and went straight to the "what am I going to do about money" bit. Um, how about calling someone who cares...like your own friends or family. She apparently is back at work, actually at a new job, and things are fine. We really hear nothing from her anymore unless it has to do with something she wants and I think she finally learned the word "NO" so it's been really quiet.
All in all, things are good. They aren't perfect, but it never is.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Boy o boy, break out the Kleenex! I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who has not seen it, but I am going to put a disclaimer that this movie is more about grieving the loss of a baby while also being part of a step family. I didn't think so much of the movie would surround that, but it did. So, warning to all of the other stepmoms who have recently lost babies like myself or those of you that are pregnant right now...be prepared.
There are so many things that are dead on for me in this movie that really have nothing to do with the fact that their relationship started as an affair. Things like how others might treat you different when they find out you are the "step"mom. How the kids repeat hurtful things BM says about you. How BM acts like you mean nothing, and how the skid thinks everything mom says is gospel and you are wrong. Also the skid loves to point out that her family is not his family. There were times I found myself thinking "yep, been there". I think it also shows that the skids aren't always out to be mean or hurtful to us, and that stepmoms and stepkids can make their own type of relationship.
What you see in this movie is a woman struggling as a stepmom and losing her first baby. She struggles with her stepson possibly even more so because of her loss. I would say that it is as close of an accurate portrayal of the situation as I've ever seen in a movie to how I have felt personally. I think that it is a movie that shows the ups and downs and people trying to find their way in all of this. The BM is portrayed much more harshly than the stepmom, but that's what people would assume anyway of a woman scorned right? A mega-bitch.
So, take my review with whatever you will. If you decide to see the movie I think that you will finish it with a lot of food for thought.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Just because my husband has kids doesn't mean it is open for constant discussion if I do or do not want to have my own kids. It does not mean that you can ask me all the time if I plan to have my own kids and then give your opinion as to what you think I should do with MY life.
It is also not necessary to ask a woman of a certain age (in my 30's) all the time about her plans for children. Honestly, you have no idea what someone might be going through and don't feel like sharing that with you.
Over the past couple of days I have been asked close to 35 times...NO JOKE...something in regards to having kids. "Hey, how's married life? How come you aren't pregnant by now?" "So, what's the deal, are you guys going to have kids together or not?" "Um, you wouldn't plan to have kids together with his only a few years from turning 18 would you?" I'm here to tell you that these things are NONE of your business. Seriously, if someone is going to have a baby...you'll know. She'll either tell you or you will see her protruding belly. Also, if she's not sharing the info with you...it's most likely because she doesn't want to tell you that kind of private information.
I told a friend a few years ago that she should never ask people about having kids because they could be trying to with poor results and the question could upset them further. That it's not a question people should be asking. Now that I am that person that seems to be getting asked ALL the time while trying to get through my own personal emotional nightmare...I want to scream at them, "yeah you stupid son of a bitch...we are spending thousands of dollars on IVF, and I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, but thanks for keeping the wound nice and fresh for me asshole." Instead, I try to smile and say, "well, you know...if it happens it happens" and then go cry in private later.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Another stepmom friend of mine came over this weekend with her SD14 and newborn 3 month old son. Her and I were having a discussion about how hard a baby is and they truly require so much from you...how she misses having a hot meal, a long shower, sleep, etc. I said something like, "it really proves how much we sacrifice to have children". My SS says from across the room, "oh TS like you are really one to talk you've never had to sacrifice anything!". I take in what he just said and try to choose my words before going off in a fit of rage. I say, "excuse me? I haven't had to sacrifice anything? Are you serious? I have sacrificed my entire way of life for the 2 of you and you aren't even my kids. Don't you EVER say something like that to me ever again."
This happened 2 days ago and I'm still pissed about it. Is this really how they see us? As these women who what...had no life or something and wanted all this bullshit? That we just sat around waiting for a guy with a psycho ex and a few ungrateful kids to come along to make our lives insane? I swear, the past 4 years I have done more and SACRIFICED more for these kids than their own mother has/does. This just proves that unless you rip open your vagina and give birth all you are is just dad's sidekick.
I'm curious what you all feel you have sacrificed or given up by being a stepmom. Here's some of mine:
1) Giving up my house an hour away to live in the sticks so they could have 50/50 because mom wouldn't dare move. I have no friends in this town, no local places I like, and it takes me at least an hour to get to my office or airport instead of 15 minutes.
2) money, lots and lots of money (including lots of gas in my car for driving them all over the place)
3) being a newlywed without kids
4) a major decrease in my sex life
5) my individuality because I'm being compared to someone else all the time
6) a portion of my self esteem because I am never good enough no matter how hard I try
7) a clean house
8) being able to have privacy in my own home
9) knowing what it's like to start a family for the first time with someone
10) being able to create a baby by making love instead of with science because my husband had a vasectomy after already having 2 kids with a piece of shit woman
These are just 10 things and I will force myself to stop there or I could end up with 100.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
My SS is almost 16 and learning how to drive. We have a 50/50 custody plan, and got the skids last night after 5 days. I was dreading it as usual because I never know how they are going to come back after being with their mom for 5 days.
Last night after dinner DH took him out driving. They come back about an hour later and I was in our bedroom. I asked DH how it went and he said "not good" that SS's driving was not good and that he yelled at him a couple of times. I felt bad but moved on doing my thing. A few minutes later I went to go move clothes from the washer to the dryer and SS asks me if he can talk to me outside. He is visibly upset. We go out back and he's shaking and on the verge of tears and starts telling me that he's having a hard time driving with dad and dad makes him so nervous. He tells me about what DH is doing that is freaking him out, "giving him too many directions at once, raising his voice, directing and not teaching". He says he is afraid to talk to DH about it because he is afraid he will get defensive. (this is true...DH can get really defensive if you tell him he's not doing something right). SS said it was so bad that he started crying and didnt want to drive back to the house. Which he didn't.
SS starts asking me what he should do, how he can make things better, and also tells me that he prefers driving with me because I'm calmer. He wants to know if I can go next time and see if he's overreacting about dad or if I have any other pointers. I told him I will go with them tonight and see. Then I talked to him about what my dad did when I was learning to drive and that I was scared shitless, that learning to drive is exciting and scary and you will have good days and bad days. At the end he said, "thanks for talking to me I feel a lot better."
I have to say that it felt really good that he wanted to talk to me. He didn't call his mom which is what he normally does. He actually seeker me out when he was scared and upset. I think this says a lot about how he views me, and it really put a smile on my face.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
First, let me say that I apologize for how long this is going to be, but I am going to pack this full of probably too much information because I wish I might have read something like this a few years ago. Even if it was just informational.
For any of the newbies that doesn't know me I have been with my husband for almost 4 years and we got married last October. I just turned 33 (he is 37) and have SD14 and SS15 (almost 16) 50% of the time. I have a good relationship with my skids (although that did NOT happen overnight), but I have wanted my own kids. When I fell in love with DH I knew he had a vasectomy. I've heard of tons of people having it reversed so we didn't really think anything of it. We figured we'd have it reversed and try to have kids of our own when we are ready. Plain and simple right? Not quite. Very naive of us to think that. About 4 months or so after being married we decided to start talking to some doctors so we would know what kind of costs would be involved (insurance will not cover a reversal). We found out it would be about $7K+ to have a reversal. Now, here is what everyone needs to know. A "successful" reversal is when they can find sperm in the ejaculate. Any sperm...1 sperm, crappy sperm, whatever. Some doctors will say they have a "guarantee". The guarantee is to get sperm flowing at all. Period. This is also generally information from a urologist. His job is not to get you pregnant, it's to reverse a vasectomy. Also, some urologists will not tell you how crappy your chances can be depending on how long he's had it. In my case, his has been for 14 years. We decided to consult a recommended fertility doctor as well because if the reversal didn't work we'd have to go to IVF next. So, you are talking about $7K+ to maybe work, and then if not another $15K+ for one round of IVF.
We got our options from the fertility doctor. He agreed that if he just did a reversal our chances were slim. He asked us, "what is your end goal, to shoot sperm or to get pregnant?" Well, obviously to get pregnant. So, as unthrilled as I was about doing IVF based on our chances and the cost that is what we chose to do. Let me explain for anyone who has not done IVF. The BASE cost for IVF is about $9K. That does not include the drugs, does not include things like testing, freezing, removing DH's sperm, doesn't include how the eggs are fertilized. It only includes taking your eggs and putting the embryos back in. We sat down with all of our information and price sheets and came up with closer to $18K. The drugs are not cheap, but some offices have a connection with the UK where you can get them for 1/2 the price. Either way, there is not just one set of drugs but multiple types. For me, being 32 at the time and in great health, I was tested for everything under the sun (some insurance covered, but not all of it so that was about $500 more out of my pocket) and it was determined that I had good reproductive health. I started with a drug called Lupron in the begining of April. The drug puts your body into menopause so that you don't ovulate. That shot is a little diabetic needle that goes into your belly. Has to stay cold and has to be done around the same time every day. So makes travel/life a bitch. This drug also makes you crazy and gives you hot flashes. While on the lupron they give you a date as to when they will have you ovulate. About 14 days before that you start these growth hormone drugs (2 different ones) that go into your butt/hip area. They HURT LIKE HELL and leave lumps and sometimes massive soreness where you can't walk. You can't sleep on your sides. These drugs amp up the number of eggs you hope to produce giving you higher chances of fertilzing them. These are very hard to give to yourself so basically you and DH have to be sandwiched at the hip and he has to be able to be ok with giving shots. Luckily mine was. Not all are. Eventually I did have to give myself quite a few of them because of scheduling. It's possible, but it isn't easy.
You have to spend a lot of time at the Dr's office. Having tests and ultrasounds. The ultrasounds are internal and are to see how many follicles you have which helps indicate # of eggs. If there seems to be a good number they will schedule you for an egg retrival, if not, the whole thing gets cancelled and you have to start again.
If you move to the retrival stage they give you another huge ass shot called a trigger shot that makes you ovulate at a specific time and they schedule to take them right before that time happens. If you ovulate too soon...all is lost. The scheduling rules your life and is very stressful because your body doesn't always want to do what it's supposed to at the exact times.
For us, I started all of the shots around April 8th and had my egg retrieval on May 24th. It's a hell of a lot of shots, sometimes 3 a day. Oh, but you aren't done yet. They got 12 eggs, 9 fertilized, and we had testing done (downs, etc) and only 4 were viable at the end of the day. So, on the 29th of May they implanted 2 and we froze 2. Freezing is about $2,000. $1,500 + $500 annual fee. Oh, and to mention that once you have them implanted and are pregnant you have to take Progesterone shots for 3 months! HUGE SHOTS of Olive Oil right into your butt/hip area. They leave lumps and hurt like hell. Those are expensive too, and they don't like to scare you about those until necessary, but I had no idea that after I was pregnant I would still have more shots! You have to wait 9 days to find out if anything took, but home pregnancy tests started showing positive around day 5! We got our Dr. confirmation with a blood test on June 7th. I was pregnant. Not sure if it was one or 2 but based on the hormone numbers they said it looked like one very healthy pregnancy, but could be 2. We had to wait until June 24th to have our first ultrasound to find out if it was one or 2. I was having all of the normal pregnancy symptoms: tired, sore boobs, acne. We drove to the doctor to see our baby's heartbeat and the whole time freaking out "what if it's 2". When we got there I was considered to be 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. (with IVF you are about 2 weeks along at the time of implant). They got me ready and they did the ultrasound. They found the sac, there was only one...yay, no twins. However...What happens next is the sadest thing that I could have imagined. They could not find the baby in the sac. No baby, no heartbeat. We were in shock. The Dr. explains that I'm pregnant, but that it could have implanted and then stopped growing at some point. He said it could be what is called a Blighted Ovum. Basically just a big old empty sac but no fetus. I immediately start balling, and he tells us we need to wait a week, have another ultrasound to be sure. That was the hardest week. Time went so slow and I had no idea what to think. I never had any cramps, no bleeding, nothing at all out of the ordinary. Everything was going perfect...so we thought. When we went back a week later there was no change, and the doctor scheduled me for a D&C the following week (last Friday).
Now, I'm sorry to tell this depressing story, and I know that this can happen (and does) to lots of people even trying to normally conceive. Miscarriages and Blighted Ovums happen all of the time. However, this is where the stepfamily part really comes in...
We had not told the kids yet that I was pregnant. We needed to be closer to the 12 week mark. My biggest fear was telling them, miscarrying, and them and BM jumping in joy over our loss. However, the fact we didn't tell them presents it's own issues now. I've had to have all these appts and tests and I've been in bed and sad. I have to try to fake being happy when they are around. Being 14 and 15 they are very perceptive and know when something is going on. The worst part of it all. I'm angy. I'm so angry that a piece of shit BM was able to just easily pop out 2 kids and then go on to treat them like shit. I'm jealous that my husband has 2 kids with someone else (which I wasn't jealous before...it was just part of life). Just seeing the kids makes me sick right now. I know it's not their fault, but I have all this anger/sadness/resentment about them even just being here. My husband doesn't understand why I don't want to hang out with them. It's hard for me to express that to him though. I mean, he is going through the loss too, but at the end of the day he still has kids and is a dad and I am not going to be a mom. He hasn't put his body through shots like a lab rat for 3 months just to try to have a kid. He hasn't had to lay there while they remove what you thought was going to be your first child. He's not left with 10 extra pounds of weight from the drugs and the fact you've had to lay off of exercise/certain foods/drinks/etc and put your entire life on hold for the past 3 months. In my logical brain I know that it's not his fault that he had a vasectomy and that he had kids with a crappy person before ever meeting me. It's not his kids fault that their mere presence makes me ill right now. But we've just spent close to $20K, and each frozen transfer is going to be another $5K including drugs. So, how much is this all going to cost? Will it ever work? What if it doesn't? Will it ruin my marriage? I'm so scared to try again, but I'm scared not to. I'm worried that now I want my own kids so bad that if I don't have them I will resent him forever for all of this.
I'm sharing this story so anyone considering having kids with a man who has a vasectomy gets all of their information sooner than later so that you know what you could be looking at if you plan to have kids together. We are lucky enough to be able to afford the first round with paying for most of it and taking out a medical loan for the rest. Insurance in some states will cover some IVF treatments, but I think only 3 or 4 states. Most do not. They will cover some testing but not the actual IVF. Things I didn't even know or consider before all of this. I also had no idea how much IVF really was going to be. Everyone always talks about $10K. $10K is the bare minimum. Right now we are sitting at about $21K with everything including my D&C. Many people cannot afford IVF much less more than one try, and end up their only options of adopting, sperm donor, etc. Those are not options for us at this time.
I'm hoping that something works with the ones we have frozen because right now I'm feeling hopeless and empty. We are going on a week vacation with the kids soon, and I am hoping I can hold it together. My stepmom friends totally seem to understand why the kids are so upsetting to me right now, but my family and bio-mom type friends don't understand and think I'm being rude about them. I'm trying so hard to act "normal" around them, but I'm having a very rough time.
If anyone else has stories they would be willing to share to help me or any other ladies here, I would greatly appreciate it.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
So, a few weeks ago the kids started noticing that I haven't been drinking alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do like to have a drink with meals or here and there sitting on the back patio on a nice day. We were out to dinner and SD13 was giving me this crazy look when dad ordered a beer and I ordered water. This is not the first time she has noticed or commented, and the kids have seen my prenatals and I've said in the past "we're going to try to have a baby someday so better for me to start now". This look though was like I was deciving her. I think she might have thought I was already pregnant. So, I just flat out said, "yes SD13, your dad and I are going to try to have a baby, we are currently trying for that to happen". Well, all hell kinda broke loose (I'm so glad we were in a loud restaurant). SS15 immediately says, "NO NO NO...this is TOO soon! You said like 2 years after you got married!!! Dad hasn't even had a reversal!!!" My hubby quickly told them about 2 years to have the baby, and maybe he did have a reversal but it's none of their business (we don't feel it's necessary to tell them we are doing IVF)...not 2 years to get pregnant. SS15 still freaking out starts going on and on about how horrible this will be and then says, "SIT, the day I find out you are pregnant is goign to be the worst day of my life", SD says "yeah, mine too!" I really wanted to slap them, cry, run out, but didn't. I just held it together and said, "well, I guess you should be prepared to have your life ruined."
We started talking to them about how just because we have a baby it doesn't mean they would be ignored or forgotten. They quickly reminded me how they have stated many times that they do not want their dad having more kids, to which I quickly said "I'm sorry, but that is not your decision...it is your dad's and mine." They said it should be their decision because they are the kids and have to share dad. Then, in the middle of all of this, a baby starts crying behind SD. She's like, SEE! SEE! This is what I have to look forward to...just great!" Then SS starts talking about how they will never sleep and fail classes and blah blah blah. (Shit that I know BM planted in their brains when we first started loosly talking about this a few years ago). I told them that I will get them really good ear plugs.
We eventually finished and went home. The rest of the night was pretty much business as usual. Since then DH has had a 1-on-1 talk with SD about relaxing about the whole thing and that he will not tollerate a lot of negatity about a positive thing. That we are excited to have a baby together and that this is my first time and that she needs to either shut her mouth if she has nothing nice to say or tell him later. That we are not going to be made to feel bad because we want to add to the family. He plans on having a similar talk with SS when he gets a chance. I have to really love my hubby...he totally backs me up on how to deal with their bullshit. This is more about them being selfish teenagers and all about how it will affect them vs. how this is something positive to add to the family. Frankly, they are old enough with their own lives starting that they will hardly be around for most of what happens. It's just plain straight up jealousy that dad will have a kid with him 24/7 and them only 50% of the time. He is really good about being attentive to them now...yes, some of that will change, but not the way they think like he'll forget who they are. As my husband says...."the proof is in the pudding"....
Now, I don't want to turn this into an IVF blog, however, I know that many stepmoms deal with what to do when hubby has had a vasectomy and you decide to have children together so I want to share with you what we are/will be going through. Because my husband has had his vasectomy for almost 14 years, it was not really an option for us to go with a reversal. A reversal most likely wouldn't be successful and if it did we'd have to pay out of pocket for that (about $10K) and then if that didn't work we'd have to move onto IVF which is another $20K on top of that. So, we made the decision to go straight to IVF. Is it what I really wanted to do? No, but the end result is the same...a baby (or twins).
***WARNING***This is about to get more in depth and graphic so if you are not interested in the process...don't read. Because I am under 35 and assumed to be in good health for having babies, I am on a fairly simple protocol. I had to wait for my period to come (which of course was a week late since I was waiting for it). On day 2 I went into the office for a few blood tests and an ultrasound to see how my ovaries are doing during my cycle and to check how many follicles I'm producing on an average basis. Follicle # is what can give them a general idea of how many eggs they might be able to retrieve. I was at approximately 24. Which they said was VERY good. Phew! They did find a fibroid which they said is common, but during one of my many tests they will see where it is located and if it's location is going to be an issue at all. It shouldn't be though.
Then I started my Lupron. Lupron is a shot (like a small diabetic needle) that I give myself in my belly every morning for about 3 weeks. This drug is used to suppress my cycle and basically put me into menopause before they have me amp up. The shot isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Pretty painless actually (and I'm squeamish about shots, needles, blood). My husband has given me one and I have given myself a couple. No problems. I haven't experienced anything too bad for side effects yet. Just some bloating and a few headaches. I've still been able to go hiking and be active, but do feel a little more tired now on day 4. The good old hot flashes are supposed to start coming around weeks 2-3. My husband is just waiting for me to go nutso :)
This week I have a litany of tests to do. Blood tests and internal tests mostly to make sure I have a "happy" uterus. Then after about 3-4 weeks I will start taking growth hormones (more shots) to increase the # of eggs they will be able to retrieve. Then they will retrieve sperm from my husband one night and my eggs the next moring and hopefully 5 days later they will implant 2 healthy looking embryos. Yes...2...chance for twins :)
I would say to anyone who has looked at the option of IVF to not just think it's about $8-$10K. You have to factor in several other things (like additional procedures and all of the medication, in addition to some tests that insurance doesn't cover). This is all like if you live in a state like I do that insurance doesn't cover IVF. When it's all said and done we are looking at almost $20K. We are having to do a medical loan, which basically has credit card like interest and you pay for 4 years. Make sure you get something that doesn't have a pre-payment penalty if you go this route so that you can pay down the balance faster if you can. The interest is insane! Right now we are very optimistic that this will work and if so...I could be preggo by summer! Here's to hoping :)
- If a Stepmother gives her stepchildren gifts, she's trying to buy your affections.
- If a Stepmother doesn't give her stepchildren gifts, she's cold and withholding (and cheap. Makes you wonder why she married your Dad...)
- If a Stepmother tries to engage a stepchild in conversation, she's pushy and probing.
- If a Stepmother backs off and does her own thing, she's cold and unwelcoming.
- If the Stepmother's house is untidy, feel sorry for Dad for having to live in such a mess.
- If the Stepmother's house is clean, feel sorry for Dad for having to put up with such an uptight shrew.
- If Dad wants to see you regularly, it's just the Stepmother trying to play "happy families" and replace your Mother.
- If Dad doesn't want to see you regularly, then the stepmother is trying to push you out of his life.
- Stepmothers should have their own kids and stop trying to steal the first wife's children away from her by being so nice.
- Stepmothers shouldn't have their own kids because the first kids will feel abandoned and won't get all Dad's money, time and attention.
- If you ask Dad for money and he gives it to you, it's the stepmothers fault you had to ask in the first place. Dad should have just known, and he would have given you more than you asked for if it wasn't for her.
- If you ask Dad for money and he says "no", it's because the stepmother is controlling the finances behind the scenes.
- If the stepmother organizes a holiday, it's never where you want to go, or what you want to do (even if you said it was before, you are entitled to change your mind).
- If the stepmother doesn't take you on holiday, she's just plain selfish and cheap.. and Dad would have taken you anywhere you wanted, if not for her.
- If the stepmother asks you to dress nicely for Dad's birthday dinner, she's being controlling (so dress as badly as you like to prove to her she isn't the boss).
- If the stepmother doesn't take you out for Dad's birthday dinner (and pay for it all.. somewhere expensive, with no thanks), she's trying to exclude you from Dad's life.
- If the stepmother let's you disrespect her, she's trying too hard (so you can be rude because she deserves what she gets).
- If the stepmother insists on basic respect and civility, she's a bitch.
- If your Dad can't pay his bills, then the stepmother isn't budgeting his money properly (Dad was doing fine before she came along, even if he was sleeping on the street).
- If your Dad sets any budget or limit on something you want, it's really the stepmother controlling him, because he'd just give you absolutely everything otherwise. If the dishes aren't done, it's the stepmothers fault.
- If it's Dad's job to do the dishes and they aren't done, then the Dad is obviously a slave in his own home and that's the stepmothers fault. (This also goes for hedge trimming, car maintenance.. any domestic duty, really).
- It's unfair for your Dad to have to do any chores at all. She should have to do everything, that's what she signed up for when she married a man with kids.)
- If the stepmother treats you like an honoured guest, you don't feel like family and she shouldn't have married your Dad if she couldn't accept his family.
- The stepmother has no right to treat you like family because she simply isn't your family and never will be. Family are expected to do stupid things like clean up after themselves, and obviously you shouldn't have to do that.
- Any positive interaction between a stepmother and her own children is sickening and fake, if she isn't spoiling her children entirely.
- Any negative interaction between a stepmother and her own children just goes to show what a bad mother she is.
- Stepmothers are never sick. They just pretend to be so they get your Dad's time and attention away from you.
- Stepmothers who hardly ever get sick are still hypochondriacs. Any illness your stepmother does contract is somehow her own fault, which entitles her to derision, never sympathy (and god forbid she get any help, especially from your Father).
- If your stepmother lends you something of hers, she has no right to expect it back in one piece, in a reasonable time frame, or at all, really.
- If you stepmother won't lend you something of hers, she's a selfish miserable bitch with trust issues.
- If you take something of your stepmother's it isn't stealing. When she dies, it will all go to Dad, and when he dies, it will all go to you. As she's "dead to you" already, you might as well have her stuff now.
- If you do steal something from your stepmother, then she has no right to complain, as your Dad should have spent that money on you, and she had too many of whatever it was anyway. Even if she only had one, from before she was married.
- If your stepmother cooks, it's guaranteed that the food with be terrible. The better it is, the more you need to find something wrong with it.If your stepmother doesn't cook, she's a lazy bitch.
- Anything that your Dad cooks is automatically fantastic, poor man.Just remember, everything she does is wrong, because it's all her fault. As long as you give her that much power, you'll have someone else to blame for every bad thing in your life.
Friday, February 11, 2011
We decided before we even got married that we would have kids together. We knew that we would have to do a reversal or look into our other options. Unfortunately, due to him having this for almost 14 years now it doesn't look very positive for a successful reversal.
So, this week we went to see a fertility specialist. He came as a recommendation from 2 people...one with a baby on the way, and one who gave birth 2 months ago. We had our consultation to discuss our options and he said the same thing...IVF is really our best bet. Because insurance doesn't cover a reversal or IVF it's all out of pocket. It is NOT cheap, and if we did the reversal and then it wasn't successful we'd have to do IVF on top of that making it even more of a financial blow.
The doctor went through all of the scientific logistics and answered all of our questions. My biggest being the chance of multiples. He said they would only implant 2 healthy embryos. So, worst case would be twins. Not a freakin' Octo-mom. THANK GOD! There are a lot of medical advancements. One being that we could do chromosome testing on the embryos and that would clear up any issues of Downs Syndrome, etc. They would also be able to tell us the sex. So, essentially we could decide what the sex of our child would be or if healthy...implant a boy and girl and see what happens. It was all really overwhelming but super exciting at the same time!
Now we need to decide when we want to do this. We can pick the time of year I would deliver. So, working back from that is when we are looking to start. If the 1st attempt was successful it could be done in about a 45 day window. I travel for my job and my hubby would need to give me some shots and the Dr. said he would like to see me off of the road for 3 weeks to be safe. Leading up to retrieving my eggs, fertilization, and implant...and giving me another week to "take it easy" as he said. He says it's pretty much a superstitious thing to "take it easy" and is funny because most people have sex, and then go on with their lives not even knowing they are getting pregnant. It's funny when you look at it that way, but I can see where once you are spending a shitload of money that you end up super paranoid of everything and I don't want to end up blaming myself if something goes wrong.
He gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and now hubby and I have major baby fever!
The skids won't know exactly what we are doing, but they saw my vitamins and asked about them. I just said they are vitamins a woman takes when she's planning on trying to get pregnant in the future. They aren't super happy about the idea of a baby around, but oh well. They'll get over it :)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
We have full exact 50/50, DH's child support was reduced to $457 instead of $1100 he was paying AND it is retroactive to August 2010. Which means she has to pay back about $4200!!!!!!!
It took a long time, but it was worth the wait and now we can move on with our lives. I'm so fucking excited now I could scream! Ok...actually I did scream WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO out loud when he called me :)
Karma is a bitch! And Karma just gave a big old ass whoopin' to the CF (cunt fungus).
I'm just so excited over this entire thing! I'm out of town for work and don't go home until late tomorrow night but glad DH was able to call me the second he got to his car :)
So, I know everyone loves the more details the better so here it goes!
If you aren't aware of the story you can read these links for blog posts to catch up.
#1.) going from EOW, moving and doing 50/50 - Sept 2009
#2.) court set back - July 2010
#3.) hearing - Oct 2010
**NOTE THAT I AM TRYING TO BEST REPEAT WHAT DH TOLD ME...I WAS NOT THERE, BUT WISH I WAS** :)
The short story is that we moved over an hour away from the house I own and where I work to be closer to the kids. Increased our expenses, drive time, and had to rent out my house and we had to rent where we live now. This was all for the kids because they made it clear they were unhappy with the current EOW arrangement and having dad so far away. Initially BM was thrilled. Thrilled until she realized her CS would get reduced if we increased our time with them. Initially DH didn't discuss the money part. He wanted to get to a schedule that the kids were happy with and that worked for everyone. BM "agreed" to this, but quickly had started making all the rules and trying to get DH to kiss her ass. He did for awhile but then the kids asked for it to be made into a solid plan in Feb 2010. DH, BM, and skids had all sat down at a local restaurant to listed to what the kids wanted. They said in a perfect world they would want Monday and Tuesdays with mom and Wednesdays and Thursdays with dad and EOW. This is what they all started doing. However, BM flat out REFUSED to make it legal. Stating that she "had her reasons" why not to. Um yeah...money. Greedy bitch. She was already getting overpaid since DH was making less and she was making more than what it was based on several years prior, but whatever.
She did EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING to drag this out. File late. Forget paperwork. Tell the judge the kids didn't want this. Everything to keep delaying every 3 months. The last court date the judge laid it out for her and told her exactly what he was going to do and that he did not want to see her back in court. Well, dummy dumbass decided she would rather take her chances. After Oct's court date DH tried to talk to her about it. She refused. Then a month ago her dirt bag boyfriend finally left her (and stole some of her shit on the way out) and really fucked her over. She got desperate and texted DH that she would agree to the current schedule if he wouldn't reduce child support. Thank you BM for showing all of your cards that it IS and ALWAYS has been about one thing...money. And thank you for doing it in texts and emails. At the time DH offered her $100 more than what the court calculator would have given her...$387...so $487. She responded that she would rather take her chances with the judge.
BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! (Think Pretty Woman...lol) A little over a week ago she filed her documents for court and handed them to DH (because she couldn't afford the postage...oh god.) We knew where this was all going. In her paperwork she not only said, "I agree to the visitation schedule (after previously saying she wasn't because she was fighting for the kids), but don't want child support to change. This would be in the best interest of the kids so I can keep a stable life for them." Does this not say..."it's all about the money" to you?
So, today DH started off with the back story again (same judge) and then that he tried to work it out with her and offer her more money but she would take her chances with the judge. The judge asked if that was what happened and she said yes.
He let her say her peace about why she thinking child support should stay the same and why she didn't want to change a few things in visitation. Prior to today we had the kids coming to our house on Wednesdays after school and then they would go to her house on Friday's after school. If it was our weekend we had to wait until 6pm to get them and then they would go home at 8pm on Sunday. Well...well...today the judge changed it to 6pm on Wednesdays and 6pm on Monday nights. Then when we don't have them...6pm on Wednesday to 6pm on Friday. SHE WAS PISSED! She likes them at her house on Fridays for the 4 hours after school before we get them to 1.) clean the house and do chores and 2.) because she comes home at 5:30 and can see them for 30 minutes. She FREAKED out and told the judge she can't go 5 days without seeing the kids. He said, "and you think DH should have to? His time is not less important that yours. Oh and DH is working from home and sees the kids, so you are going to take 4 hours of his time so you can see them for 30 minutes. Denied." I'm assuming lots of crying and poor me crap.
Then the judge discusses the reduction in child support. She was getting $1050 and the court calculator said about $387. The judge gave her $450 a month to give her a little more. She was livid. Said she can't pay her bills, will be evicted, might have to move to another town where she wouldn't be able to give DH the 50/50. The judge told her that if she moves she still needs to do the 50/50 and get the kids to him (funny thing is they would not move with her because they would stay with us than rather change schools). The judge asked DH what he thought about this, and he said, "well, she can cut back on cable, cell phone, find a cheaper place, and get a 2nd job while I have the kids 50% of the time...plenty of single parents do this." The judge said, "seems reasonable to me". Then he told her, "I understand your predicament, but this is not DH's problem. He is not responsible to pay for your decisions."
Then the best part. The cherry on top. The freakin' billion calorie whipped cream...
The judge orders it to be retroactive to August of 2010. She thinks 2011...but the judge quickly tells her, "no...August 2010. You will need to set up a payment plan to pay back DH. Moving forward this will reduce on his next paycheck." She immediately loses it and starts freaking out about how is she going to do that, that doesn't give her any time to make any changes and that she will end up on the streets. BLAH BLAH BLAH. DH said he was SHOCKED! We hoped the judge would make her pay him back, but he NEVER EVER even asked for it or mentioned it. YAY JUDGE! He obviously saw though her shit to drag it out and was not having it.
Seriously ladies...this is major. She got totally fucked...up the ass...with no lube. DH and the judge warned her, but she was too greedy, self involved, and felt entitled. This just PROVES that Karma is a bitch (or a stepchick...because honestly without all of you ladies I'm not sure DH would have taken this risk) and that she should have done what was right by the kids and not by her.
As they left the court she told DH he was a "fucking bastard". Uh huh...have a nice day bitch.
Then he texted her saying "I want to discuss some minor modifications to visitation. Let me know when you calm down." She basically said "you got everything you wanted...aren't you happy now?" He said he wanted to discuss the kids coming on Wednesday after school instead of 6pm and going to her house Mondays after school instead of 6pm. She said, "well, then I want Sunday nights back." He told her she has no room to demand anything and that she would be best to work with him or he'll do nothing for her. He reminded her that he has all the control now and that she better not be a bitch to him or he'll just leave it as is. So, we agreed to tell her that he will let her know on Saturdays if we have nothing going on (ie: I want a night alone with my hubby) then she can have them at 8pm, but if we have plans or don't want to...then no. So, really...whatever WE want.
He is so excited to finally have the power. She has held it over him for so freaking long and he's finally feeling like he can breathe without working about her.
I'm out of town, but the kids got there after school and SS15 immediately asked, "how was your day?" He's like, "good...why?" SS is like, "really good or what? you had court with mom today right?" DH says, "yeah, I'm really good. I got 50/50 like we discussed." SS then asked, "does this mean mom's cs is going to go down? because she can't afford that." DH told SS that the judge uses a calculator depending on what she makes and he makes and number of days. Yes, it's going down, but that's how it works. That mom is going to have to make some lifestyle changes and change how she spends money. That she might need to get another job while they are with him. SS seemed to understand and then said, "well if she gets evicted it's not like we are too...we can live here with you." Exactly. Thank god the kid had a brain in his head.
DH said that SD seems quieter than usual, but I'm sure mom was "depressed" when she talked to her and SD always feels bad. Either way, they will work through it, and the biggest thing is they know they can always live at our house if BM's life implodes on her. They both know that BM had 17 months to work this out with DH outside of court and that she fought him and wouldn't compromise on anything, and now the judge made the decisions.
I'm sure glad I'm not home right now. Just so that the dust can settle, but do wish I could pop open a bottle of champagne with my hubby. I get home late tomorrow night and fly back out for a girl's weekend Friday morning until Sunday night. I CAN'T WAIT TO CELEBRATE!!!!!!
This just goes to show that good things happen for good people. It might take a lot of time, but it can happen. GO DADS!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 14, 2011
So, we got married back in Oct. We had a FANTASTIC wedding. Kept it to about 45 people and had it on the coast of California.
It was very important for us to make sure SS15 and SD13 were very involved with the wedding.
SS15 and SD13 stood up with DH. We had them involved from the start. SD helped with cake tasting, looking through magazines with me, and loved her dress. I let her be involved with things that didn't make a huge difference to me because I wanted her to know she was part of this wedding too. SS was Best Man and he got to give a speech which he loved (he loves to be funny and the center of attention, but said a lot of nice things and had fun with it). We were engaged for a little over a year which gave them plenty of time to get used to it and accept the wedding and being part of it. This was a MAJOR help. Honestly, giving it time and involving them was probably the best thing we did to make for a happy day with them too.
I got into town the weekend before the wedding to do some last minute stuff and to relax with my family and try to calm all of my nerves. The weather was totally shitty when I got there, and I was freaking a little due to the fact that everything was outside. We were not prepared for rain, but thankfully the morning of the wedding there was not a cloud in the sky and it was crystal clear and blue.
DH and the kids arrived 2 days before the wedding. I did not want to have anything to do with getting them from BM. She had been on her worst behavior the closer it was getting to the wedding and I wasn't about to have her cause a scene that would set me off or cause me stress in anyway. Much less drive for several house with the skids in the car if they were in a mood. This was another GREAT decision on my part because I was perfectly happy and content in wedding mode with my family.
The kids knew my family and friends and immediately felt comfortable and welcome with everyone who was staying at the place with us. My dad and MOH were especially helpful in taking the kids under their wing when we needed them, and even when we didn't we would find the kids off with everyone having a great time on their own. Thank god my steppies are outgoing and easy to get along with people. Rehearsal dinner was great and so good to have the kids seeing everyone there for us. It was amazing having everyone there, and being able to have one last evening before the big day to mingle. DH gave gifts to the kids at the dinner and said such great things to them about how happy he was that they were there and standing with him the next day, and how much he loved them and respected them for being part of all of this. DH cried and so did SD. It was so sweet :) I was so thankful to my MOH who worked so hard to make everything beautiful and how she has accepted my DH and skids with open arms. Truly, I'm so lucky that most people have.
The day of the wedding I was getting my hair and make-up done and paid for SD to have hers done too. MOH, and all the moms were there too! It was interesting to have my own stepmom and mom talking to each other and SD told me later "there is no way you and mom would ever be like that when I get married". I just laughed and said, "probably not, but you never know...either way we'll get along for your sake". Let's hope that's true one day! SD was loving getting all done up and SS kept coming into the room to see everyone. It was funny for the other ladies to have a boy keep coming in there, but I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to be so part of things and see how I was doing. Eventually it was like one big party going on in my room. SD was sweet and thoughtful and told me how nice I looked and how she loved the dress. I think she might have even hugged me :)
When it came time for the ceremony I wasn't nervous at all...I was really anxious to get out there and see DH and everyone. I was so giddy with excitement! When MOH and SD were making their way out I was supposed to start getting into place with my dad, but then I saw some open seats in the front row and asked the coordinator to move a few people up. Unfortunately while doing this it made my dad and I late. I had no clue how late until after the wedding, but it was almost 2 minutes of everyone staring at an empty door. Yikes. In the video you see SS saying to DH, "dad, I don't think she's coming". Like he's comforting his dad. It was sweet and sad, but then I come out and everyone laughs and is happy. DH thought I was barfing my guts out somewhere, but turns out I was just being bossy.
I was so happy that day, and it was everything I imagined it to be. Everyone was happy and had fun. The vows were beautiful (we wrote our own) and the Reverend even included this kids in part of the ceremony which was unplanned by us, but I had asked him to read a quote by Richard Bach that says, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life." It was perfect for us and he made it very sweet and sentimental.
After the ceremony we took tons of pictures and they all turned out so great and even the kids were all smiles.
We had a blast at the reception and although I had a few friends who were busy hugging the heat lamps, most everyone got out and danced with us all night.
Despite all of the stress and worry about what would or wouldn't happen...it all went better than I could have imagined and I'm so happy I married my DH and became a wife and stepmom all in one day.
My husband is the most amazing partner I could have in this life. He listens to me, loves me, respects me, and always has my back. He knows when to push me and when to let things go. He is kind, caring, and thoughtful of others, and supportive of everything I want to do. He's such a great dad to his kids by loving them and teaching them life lessons and making them responsible young adults. He has encouraged and helped foster the great relationship I have with SS and SD. I have no doubt that I will live a happy life with him and add to this family with children together. I am so happy to have him as my husband!