So, my SD12 is about to be 13. She has been talking a lot about wanting a new look, and how she is so tired of her hair, clothes, etc. Her mom is trying to keep her a little kid forever, which is fine if my SD wasn't feeling crappy about herself and getting picked on from time to time. This girl needs a boost of confidence FAST!
I tell her that for her 13th birthday I'm going to take her to a real salon to get her hair done and then we will go shopping for a few new outfits and a little bit of make up (lip gloss and mascara) nothing crazy. She is really into this whole thing, and I book her appointment with my hair dresser for the same time that I'm going. She's been talking about a bunch of different styles and looking in magazines, and wanting highlights. Something different from what she has (which frankly makes her look like a mini version of her mom...and it's not flattering). She's been doing this whole "part down the middle and bangs straight down" thing for several months now and it hasn't gotten her many compliments...and just continues to make her look like a little kid.
So, the day is finally here. I pick her up from school and we head out. She's excited but nervous. My fiance was worried that BM would take her before me when she caught wind of it, and I told him "yeah right...the BM hasn't done a single thing for her in the time we've been together...I'm not worried about it." Of course the BM didn't do a thing, but I can tell that my SD is worried about something. When we get to the salon and I start telling my lady what SD12 would like to have done, SD starts freaking out and changing her mind. At first I think it's only because she's nervous about a new style, so I give her an extra push (which is what SD always needs to do something new). She starts freaking out when I tell her that we are going to do the highlights and that they will wash out in a few weeks, or can be changed if she really doesn't like them. Her face starts getting REALLY red and she starts yelling at me that it's her hair and she can do whatever she wants and I can't force her. I say that she's been talking about doing the highlights forever, what changed? She says "nothing, I just changed my mind yesterday". Uh huh... Then she finally spills the beans and says, "mom said I'm not allowed to have them done." I remind her that it's something dad and I are ok with and she's with us 50% of the time as well, and that her mom isn't the one getting them that it's her hair. She says, "I know, but mom said that since I have sensitive skin the dye could irritate my scalp and give me an allergic reaction and die." I say, "die? really?" SD12 says, "yeah...what if I die?"
Ok, ok, ok..."you aren't going to die, I can promise you that you won't. I'm sorry you are so scared, but look at all of these women here...they aren't here to die either." I tell her that it's her hair and she can do what she wants with it (within reason...she's barely doing anything and it looks like she's just been in the sun for a few weeks). She's like, "if I get in trouble I'm going to blame you." I tell her that's a deal and that I will take all the blame. That she can tell BM that I forced her and held her down and I'm a huge bitch. I also say, "honey....your mom already hates me...let her hate me some more...do what YOU want". She laughs and finally people stop looking at me like the evil stopmom who is forcing my SD to do something she doesn't want to do.
Now, let me just say that normally I wouldn't just go against the BM so blatantly, but the thing is that my SD is going to be 13. Her mom buys her clothes from a hunting store. She won't let her wear lip gloss, and she is getting picked on. I want SD to be happy and feel good about herself.
On the way home she calls her mom (because she only has until 10pm and we are running late). BM kept saying over and over that she misses her and finally SD was like, "I miss you too mom...gosh, I'll see you tomorrow". And then looks at me and rolls her eyes. She was telling her mom how awesome her hair was and how much she liked the cut (didn't mention the highlights), and her mom changed the subject and started talking about something else. I could tell that SD wanted to share how excited she was, but also that her mom wasn't going to be excited that I was the one to do anything for her daughter. NEWS FLASH...you could get off of your ass and do something yourself to help your daughter, but you are too lazy so someone has to do it.
SD couldn't stop talking about it to me and to my FH and her brother when she got home. The next day she was so excited to go to school and show everyone and asked for my help in the morning. I got her to take a picture with me before school, and all she said was "please don't put it on Facebook"....lol...she doesn't want her mom to know we take pics together :)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Are you struggling with being a stepmom?
A woman on Stepchicks was asking if it's possible to come out on the other side. I felt very compelled (with my really good stepmom mood this week) to respond to her and wanted to share with others.
I have been in your shoes and want you to know you are NOT alone!
It CAN happen...to come out on the other side. I am proof of this. At least today/this week/this month. I am not going to sugar coat it. It's is hard shit! It has taken every bit of strength and patience I've ever had to get to this point so far.
A little bit of background if you haven't read my blog before...
I was 29 when I met my man...I'm almost 32 now. I had been living alone for 7 years. Dating, traveling, moving, changing jobs, and loving my life. But I still felt alone. I was missing something. I was missing a real love...a love from someone other than friends and family. I kept hoping and wishing I would meet this amazing man some day. After kissing MANY frogs (no, I'm not a whore...I just kept thinking no one was good enough)...I met my FH. He had every single thing I ever wanted in a man. He's sweet, sensitive, sexy, hard worker, does laundry and cooking, likes to travel, isn't jealous, is a good dresser, thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, is super supportive of every crazy ass idea I ever have, and has a heart bigger than anyone I've ever known. He also came with an ex-bitch and 2 kids. At first, I will admit...I thought, "I love kids, kids like me, and this is no big deal." I got warned by a friend who was married to a man with a kid, "do you know what you are getting yourself into...this is hard stuff, and you are in for a rocky road." I thought, "yeah...ok..."
Let's skip forward to me meeting the kids.
OMG, it was hell! This is not an exaggeration. I never had anxiety over anything before. I would suddenly get the shakes on the way to see him and the kids. Not to mention if I had to see the BM. I almost pulled my car over to puke on many occasions on my way to joint events where I would have to see her. I am a strong, independent woman. I'm in sales. I can make anyone like me and sell anything to anyone (almost...if that was totally true I'd be rich). I couldn't understand this situation. I have stood up in front of hundreds of people to train them or give a presentation, and this horrible bitch of a woman could make me want to turn around and run away. Why??? Well, it's because I knew I was being judged about something so major. Because can a woman like me with no kids and no experience with kids treat her kids good enough? I HATE being judged. I hate not feeling good enough. THAT is where she has made me question my abilities. She is everything I'm not (rude, selfish, thoughtless, old, mean, gold digger, etc.) and she thinks I'm just this little goodie goodie sorority girl. Which is NOT true either. I have worked for everything I've ever had, never went to college so sorority girl idea out the window. I am badass and stand up to anyone and everyone if I am passionate about something. I am a runner, and work with non-profits when I have a chance. To me, I'd been living a very well rounded life waiting for the man of my dreams (sick I know, but kind of how I saw it).
The BM told the kids the worst stuff about me. That I was the reason for the divorce (I wasn't), and that I didn't really like them and only acted like I did so their dad would like me. She would act as if they would die if left alone with me (still does), and has been meaner than ever to FH since I've come into the picture. She actually was getting a little better until he proposed to me. This is called JEALOUSY.
The second she realized that our relationship was for real...she freaked. She has been a major thorn in my side ever since.
Here's how the whole thing shakes out though. I treat the kids with respect. I ask them for the same in return. I told my FH (even when he was just my BF) that I expect him to stand up for me, and never let the kids disrespect me. I set down my own expectations as fast as I could. I told him that I will always love him, support him, and support his kids, but I will not be treated like a second class citizen in my own home. For me, if a relationship doesn't enhance my life...why be in it. I have been through hell. I have felt sad, depressed, like I've lost my own identity. I've lost closeness with friends, and I've been judged and put down by more people than I can count because I've chosen to be with a man with kids. I spent a long time feeling this need to prove everyone wrong...that I can be a stepmom...I can handle what they all think I can't handle. There is nothing I love more than a challenge...this is just how I am. So...I have fought it. I have read a million books, blogs, joined this site, and kept pushing on.
I am a stepkid. My parents split when I was about 12ish. I feel like I can relate to the kids. This has helped me A LOT! When I am getting so mad about the BM or the kids acting the way they are, I have to summon up old memories of how I felt at that age. I tried to bury a lot of it, and so it takes some work to really remember, and then I can really remember how much it sucked. I use those memories and feelings to help my FH and myself deal with all of this.
The only thing that has worked for me is to be me. I had to just stop giving a rat's ass about BM. I have tried to be nice to her...it did nothing. I have given her space...it didn't help. I never stood up for myself with the kids about the horrible stuff BM said about me...it made me feel like crap. I was tired ALL the time, my FH said my hair seemed thinner, got huge pimples, lack of sex drive and I stopped doing all the things I loved...like running, going out with friends as much, and instead stressing all the time about money, custody, time, driving, schedules, court, what BM was going to pull this week, etc. It was starting to drive me into the ground.
So, here is my advice. You literally can't worry about her. I told my FH that if I tell her she has great shoes...she's a bitch, if I ignore her...she's a bitch, if I tell her she's a bitch...she's a bitch. Really...she's a bitch all the time every time. She is just a miserable unhappy person in general. If you are dealing with a BM like this...you will NEVER make her happy. My FH said he spent 13 years trying to make this woman happy and it didn't work. He bought her a house, cars, let her be a stay at home mom, bought her horses, whatever she wanted...and she was still a miserable old hag. Some people are just like that. So, I have this new found freedom to feel like I just don't care what she says or does. I'm a good person, I'm good to the kids, and good to my FH. That's all that matters. SHE WILL NEVER LIKE YOU OR BE HAPPY. You aren't her, and she HATES that. Yeah, well if you were her, your BF/FH/DH would not be with you.
The BM gets $2K a month from my FH (if this makes me mad...it makes my FH 1000% more mad because he's the one working hard for it and divorced her). She has 3 degrees and is working on a 4th because she'd rather go to school than get a real job and work hard to provide for her kids. She's a loser, she has a loser BF, and she cares more about herself than her kids. She is everything I am not, and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't want to be the kind of mom she is, and I bring something different to the kid's life. I am confident in who I am and what I can do for them. The world will not fall apart if I screw up. I am not a druggie or alcoholic (although I do love my drinks now and then), and I am not a low life who lives off of others. I am good to the kids. I spend time with them, I get to know who they are individually, and I tell them I love them and will always support them.
I am still trying to let a lot of things go. I just recently (like in the past 2-3 weeks) feel like I'm really on the other side. My stepkids really do love me. Even if they don't use the word love...I can see things in their actions. You will never get rid of the BM. Not ever...unless you want to be on Dateline NBC which isn't really an option. Instead, don't listen to this "kill her with kindness crap". If you have a nightmare BM...stand up to her, stand up for yourself with the kids, tell them you love them and want the best for them, do your best, and keep on pushing. Lower your expectations. Expect NOTHING...you'll be surprised by any act of kindness. Do what you are comfortable with doing and know you may never get thanked by the kids. Your DH will appreciate it...and if he doesn't...leave him...he doesn't deserve you. The money going to the BM won't last forever. It will eventually end. Live within YOUR means, and try to be happy with your DH. The kids will be in a great place by seeing a happy/healthy relationship instead of the B.S. they have seen with their parents and are likely to see in their BM's house.
The feeling never really goes away. It will lessen if you are confident in yourself and find your own peace with who you are and know you could just tell her to f off if she tries to cut you down. Be cordial with her around the kids, but don't even bother with her otherwise. She's not worth it. DH obviously realized she's not worth it...he's not with her. Don't let her continue to ruin his life and now your life because she's a biotch.
Hang in there girl. It really can get better. If you read my blog you'll see some things where even last summer SD12 wouldn't use my deodorant...now she's wanting to borrow my clothes. Kids will see if you love them/like them and come around. The BM's won't and it's likely that the more the kids like you...the more she'll hate you.
Think of what BM has given you by being such a nightmare. For me, she's made me realize that I will be an amazing mother..I was never sure if I would be or not. I've found my inner patience when I had none. I have a great fiance who loves me like no one else ever has. I have a "home" that when I come home to it there is life and laughter and crying and sometimes yelling, but it's our life together. Think of all your positive things, and if you have to write them down and repeat them all the time...do it. It will really help :)
I have been in your shoes and want you to know you are NOT alone!
It CAN happen...to come out on the other side. I am proof of this. At least today/this week/this month. I am not going to sugar coat it. It's is hard shit! It has taken every bit of strength and patience I've ever had to get to this point so far.
A little bit of background if you haven't read my blog before...
I was 29 when I met my man...I'm almost 32 now. I had been living alone for 7 years. Dating, traveling, moving, changing jobs, and loving my life. But I still felt alone. I was missing something. I was missing a real love...a love from someone other than friends and family. I kept hoping and wishing I would meet this amazing man some day. After kissing MANY frogs (no, I'm not a whore...I just kept thinking no one was good enough)...I met my FH. He had every single thing I ever wanted in a man. He's sweet, sensitive, sexy, hard worker, does laundry and cooking, likes to travel, isn't jealous, is a good dresser, thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, is super supportive of every crazy ass idea I ever have, and has a heart bigger than anyone I've ever known. He also came with an ex-bitch and 2 kids. At first, I will admit...I thought, "I love kids, kids like me, and this is no big deal." I got warned by a friend who was married to a man with a kid, "do you know what you are getting yourself into...this is hard stuff, and you are in for a rocky road." I thought, "yeah...ok..."
Let's skip forward to me meeting the kids.
OMG, it was hell! This is not an exaggeration. I never had anxiety over anything before. I would suddenly get the shakes on the way to see him and the kids. Not to mention if I had to see the BM. I almost pulled my car over to puke on many occasions on my way to joint events where I would have to see her. I am a strong, independent woman. I'm in sales. I can make anyone like me and sell anything to anyone (almost...if that was totally true I'd be rich). I couldn't understand this situation. I have stood up in front of hundreds of people to train them or give a presentation, and this horrible bitch of a woman could make me want to turn around and run away. Why??? Well, it's because I knew I was being judged about something so major. Because can a woman like me with no kids and no experience with kids treat her kids good enough? I HATE being judged. I hate not feeling good enough. THAT is where she has made me question my abilities. She is everything I'm not (rude, selfish, thoughtless, old, mean, gold digger, etc.) and she thinks I'm just this little goodie goodie sorority girl. Which is NOT true either. I have worked for everything I've ever had, never went to college so sorority girl idea out the window. I am badass and stand up to anyone and everyone if I am passionate about something. I am a runner, and work with non-profits when I have a chance. To me, I'd been living a very well rounded life waiting for the man of my dreams (sick I know, but kind of how I saw it).
The BM told the kids the worst stuff about me. That I was the reason for the divorce (I wasn't), and that I didn't really like them and only acted like I did so their dad would like me. She would act as if they would die if left alone with me (still does), and has been meaner than ever to FH since I've come into the picture. She actually was getting a little better until he proposed to me. This is called JEALOUSY.
The second she realized that our relationship was for real...she freaked. She has been a major thorn in my side ever since.
Here's how the whole thing shakes out though. I treat the kids with respect. I ask them for the same in return. I told my FH (even when he was just my BF) that I expect him to stand up for me, and never let the kids disrespect me. I set down my own expectations as fast as I could. I told him that I will always love him, support him, and support his kids, but I will not be treated like a second class citizen in my own home. For me, if a relationship doesn't enhance my life...why be in it. I have been through hell. I have felt sad, depressed, like I've lost my own identity. I've lost closeness with friends, and I've been judged and put down by more people than I can count because I've chosen to be with a man with kids. I spent a long time feeling this need to prove everyone wrong...that I can be a stepmom...I can handle what they all think I can't handle. There is nothing I love more than a challenge...this is just how I am. So...I have fought it. I have read a million books, blogs, joined this site, and kept pushing on.
I am a stepkid. My parents split when I was about 12ish. I feel like I can relate to the kids. This has helped me A LOT! When I am getting so mad about the BM or the kids acting the way they are, I have to summon up old memories of how I felt at that age. I tried to bury a lot of it, and so it takes some work to really remember, and then I can really remember how much it sucked. I use those memories and feelings to help my FH and myself deal with all of this.
The only thing that has worked for me is to be me. I had to just stop giving a rat's ass about BM. I have tried to be nice to her...it did nothing. I have given her space...it didn't help. I never stood up for myself with the kids about the horrible stuff BM said about me...it made me feel like crap. I was tired ALL the time, my FH said my hair seemed thinner, got huge pimples, lack of sex drive and I stopped doing all the things I loved...like running, going out with friends as much, and instead stressing all the time about money, custody, time, driving, schedules, court, what BM was going to pull this week, etc. It was starting to drive me into the ground.
So, here is my advice. You literally can't worry about her. I told my FH that if I tell her she has great shoes...she's a bitch, if I ignore her...she's a bitch, if I tell her she's a bitch...she's a bitch. Really...she's a bitch all the time every time. She is just a miserable unhappy person in general. If you are dealing with a BM like this...you will NEVER make her happy. My FH said he spent 13 years trying to make this woman happy and it didn't work. He bought her a house, cars, let her be a stay at home mom, bought her horses, whatever she wanted...and she was still a miserable old hag. Some people are just like that. So, I have this new found freedom to feel like I just don't care what she says or does. I'm a good person, I'm good to the kids, and good to my FH. That's all that matters. SHE WILL NEVER LIKE YOU OR BE HAPPY. You aren't her, and she HATES that. Yeah, well if you were her, your BF/FH/DH would not be with you.
The BM gets $2K a month from my FH (if this makes me mad...it makes my FH 1000% more mad because he's the one working hard for it and divorced her). She has 3 degrees and is working on a 4th because she'd rather go to school than get a real job and work hard to provide for her kids. She's a loser, she has a loser BF, and she cares more about herself than her kids. She is everything I am not, and I'm thankful for that. I wouldn't want to be the kind of mom she is, and I bring something different to the kid's life. I am confident in who I am and what I can do for them. The world will not fall apart if I screw up. I am not a druggie or alcoholic (although I do love my drinks now and then), and I am not a low life who lives off of others. I am good to the kids. I spend time with them, I get to know who they are individually, and I tell them I love them and will always support them.
I am still trying to let a lot of things go. I just recently (like in the past 2-3 weeks) feel like I'm really on the other side. My stepkids really do love me. Even if they don't use the word love...I can see things in their actions. You will never get rid of the BM. Not ever...unless you want to be on Dateline NBC which isn't really an option. Instead, don't listen to this "kill her with kindness crap". If you have a nightmare BM...stand up to her, stand up for yourself with the kids, tell them you love them and want the best for them, do your best, and keep on pushing. Lower your expectations. Expect NOTHING...you'll be surprised by any act of kindness. Do what you are comfortable with doing and know you may never get thanked by the kids. Your DH will appreciate it...and if he doesn't...leave him...he doesn't deserve you. The money going to the BM won't last forever. It will eventually end. Live within YOUR means, and try to be happy with your DH. The kids will be in a great place by seeing a happy/healthy relationship instead of the B.S. they have seen with their parents and are likely to see in their BM's house.
The feeling never really goes away. It will lessen if you are confident in yourself and find your own peace with who you are and know you could just tell her to f off if she tries to cut you down. Be cordial with her around the kids, but don't even bother with her otherwise. She's not worth it. DH obviously realized she's not worth it...he's not with her. Don't let her continue to ruin his life and now your life because she's a biotch.
Hang in there girl. It really can get better. If you read my blog you'll see some things where even last summer SD12 wouldn't use my deodorant...now she's wanting to borrow my clothes. Kids will see if you love them/like them and come around. The BM's won't and it's likely that the more the kids like you...the more she'll hate you.
Think of what BM has given you by being such a nightmare. For me, she's made me realize that I will be an amazing mother..I was never sure if I would be or not. I've found my inner patience when I had none. I have a great fiance who loves me like no one else ever has. I have a "home" that when I come home to it there is life and laughter and crying and sometimes yelling, but it's our life together. Think of all your positive things, and if you have to write them down and repeat them all the time...do it. It will really help :)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What a great weekend!
Let me just say that I had hoped it would be a good weekend, and it was actually BETTER than I expected!
I had been traveling for work, and landed at the airport around 8pm. I let my FH know that I was heading home and he said they were waiting for me to have dinner. WHAT?!?!?! You and 2 teenagers are waiting? Not only that, it was SS14 and his GF15 that were there, my SD12 was at a sleepover. When I got home everyone was so nice to me, the GF was making pancakes and they were setting the table. SS came out to the car to bring my bag in (although he got distracted and never really offered...he said he was so distracted by his GF's outfit and her looking so cute...awwwwwwee!) We sat down and had a great (breakfast) dinner together talking and laughing and I thought to myself. Wow, this is my life...it's a good life, and we've come so far. I love that I'm spending my Friday night eating pancakes with my fiance and 2 teenagers that are happy! Wow! BTW, funny thing is that the GF was saying she doesn't think the BM likes her and that she's not as nice. Shocker, BM isn't exactly Molly McNice. Score another one for me :)
Saturday we got up and went to the gym without the kids and had some time alone, before we headed out of town for a 3 hour drive to see my FH's parents. We had a great car ride talking and joking around, and then had a great dinner with my future in laws. Damn, I love those people. They have been so accepting and nice to me, and are NOT at all the dreaded in-laws. I think it helps that they absolutely couldn't stand the BM, and they tell me they are so thankful I brought their happy son back into their lives. After dinner I wanted to give my FH time alone with his parents so I took the kids back up to the hotel room for the 3 of us to hang out. We watched some TV and they called their mom. She was drilling them about what was going on, and kept thinking they were left alone in the room. Finally I heard SD say, "no mom...SIT is with us"...then a lot of "uh huh uh huh's" and goodbye. They both rushed off and seemed bored talking to her. FH got back to the room and we played charades for about an hour. It was so funny!
Oh, and a little funny for anyone that's been following my other blogs about the BM...the whole soap thing. I think I figured out that her rash isn't from the soap. It's only on her legs, and I think it's from her razor her mom got her. But who am I? That's right...the bigger person...so I sent SD home with a different razor to have her see if that does the trick.
I am on the road again for work this week (and feeling a lot like Mr. Clooney right now), and won't see the kids for 2 weeks because they are with their mom for spring break next week. It's weird not seeing them during the week this month. I am so excited to have a weekend with just my FH, but dare I say I miss the kids? :)
I had been traveling for work, and landed at the airport around 8pm. I let my FH know that I was heading home and he said they were waiting for me to have dinner. WHAT?!?!?! You and 2 teenagers are waiting? Not only that, it was SS14 and his GF15 that were there, my SD12 was at a sleepover. When I got home everyone was so nice to me, the GF was making pancakes and they were setting the table. SS came out to the car to bring my bag in (although he got distracted and never really offered...he said he was so distracted by his GF's outfit and her looking so cute...awwwwwwee!) We sat down and had a great (breakfast) dinner together talking and laughing and I thought to myself. Wow, this is my life...it's a good life, and we've come so far. I love that I'm spending my Friday night eating pancakes with my fiance and 2 teenagers that are happy! Wow! BTW, funny thing is that the GF was saying she doesn't think the BM likes her and that she's not as nice. Shocker, BM isn't exactly Molly McNice. Score another one for me :)
Saturday we got up and went to the gym without the kids and had some time alone, before we headed out of town for a 3 hour drive to see my FH's parents. We had a great car ride talking and joking around, and then had a great dinner with my future in laws. Damn, I love those people. They have been so accepting and nice to me, and are NOT at all the dreaded in-laws. I think it helps that they absolutely couldn't stand the BM, and they tell me they are so thankful I brought their happy son back into their lives. After dinner I wanted to give my FH time alone with his parents so I took the kids back up to the hotel room for the 3 of us to hang out. We watched some TV and they called their mom. She was drilling them about what was going on, and kept thinking they were left alone in the room. Finally I heard SD say, "no mom...SIT is with us"...then a lot of "uh huh uh huh's" and goodbye. They both rushed off and seemed bored talking to her. FH got back to the room and we played charades for about an hour. It was so funny!
**I do need to mention that during my alone time with the kids, my SS14 tells me that BM's BF is going to buy a shotgun for him when he saves up enough money. WTF? I asked him what his mom thinks about this, and he said she doesn't know yet and swore me to secrecy not to tell my FH. I told him he needs to tell his dad before he finds out otherwise, but I told my FH right away. I am so happy my SS feels like he can trust me, but FH still needs to know about this. What the hell is wrong with this BF secretly buying a 14 year old a shotgun. Um, isn't this something the parents should be deciding? Ugh.
Sunday we got up and all had breakfast with FH's parents and then played some games and cards with the kids most of the day. We all had a really nice family weekend, and got them home just in time for BM to show up to pick them up. My SS14 yelled and said, "bye guys, love you". Not "bye dad". Hmmmm...am I finally breaking him down with love?Oh, and a little funny for anyone that's been following my other blogs about the BM...the whole soap thing. I think I figured out that her rash isn't from the soap. It's only on her legs, and I think it's from her razor her mom got her. But who am I? That's right...the bigger person...so I sent SD home with a different razor to have her see if that does the trick.
I am on the road again for work this week (and feeling a lot like Mr. Clooney right now), and won't see the kids for 2 weeks because they are with their mom for spring break next week. It's weird not seeing them during the week this month. I am so excited to have a weekend with just my FH, but dare I say I miss the kids? :)
Friday, March 5, 2010
Happy Friday!
Today I'm headed home from a few days of work travel, and this is our weekend with the kids. I haven't seen them in 2 weeks (even though we have 50/50) because of my work travel schedule. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them later tonight, and then this weekend we are spending time with them and my future in laws (who I adore). Even though it will be a busy weekend after a busy week, I'm really excited about it! The kids keep asking when I'm coming home, and SS14's girlfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook this week (and not my FH or the BM so score one for me). It's been a good week :) Just wanted to share some positives with everyone, and also if you are into music for inspiration this is one of my favorite songs that I will listen to while I'm taking a run to remind myself that life is just one big ride!
Just a Ride by JEM
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then
BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
except thatthere's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride
Just a Ride by JEM
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out then
BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
except thatthere's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride
Monday, March 1, 2010
BM's response to my fiance
Ok, ladies...here is her response to my fiance. She hadn't respond to me yet...which I didn't think that she would anyway. What's funny is she does this with every argument. She always acts as if he is bullying her or that there are all these untold lies. I think she does this to have some kind of record of her saying that he's bullying her and disrespecting her...even though he never does anything close. I also think that she is under the impression that he didn't tell me the truth about their marriage/divorce which I know more than I probably should. We were co-workers when they were married, but she most likely assumes that we were together before we actually were. My opinion of her is based on how she has treated me, my fiance, and her kids...which is poorly. Not based on what he has said (I know there are always 2 sides to a divorce story). She has never spoken to me, so she doesn't know anything about me either. Oh well, at least we both tried to extend an olive branch.
HER EMAIL:
Grow up? I have no problem with the kids having a relationship with SIT. I am glad she is good to our kids, but the fact of the matter is that she is not, nor will she ever be their parent and she is crossing the line by acting like she is. I don't carry around anger, I am not immature. I don't even think about you unless you are instigating something. And for the record, I don't come to your door because your courtyard gate is always locked. Contrary to what your ego wants to believe, I'm not bitter, I don't carry around a bunch of anger, I forgave you years ago, but that doesn't mean that I will tolerate the constant disrespect. You can and will paint me out to be something I am not, because if the truth were to come out then you wouldn't be able to play the "poor me, my ex-wife is such a bitch" card, but don't expect me to just continue to let you bowl me over just because you call me names. We're not married anymore, I don't have to be bullied by you anymore. My behavior is not petty, or angry, there is nothing mandated that says I have to go out of my way to be friendly toward your girlfriend. The kids completely understand why I don't speak with her. Perhaps if you told SIT the truth, she would understand my position and have a little respect for me and then maybe, just maybe I might be able to have a "functional" relationship with her, but until that time, it won't happen. I will not deal with someone who has prejudged me so harshly based on lies. And to tell me that I should take a lesson from someone like her is completely out of line and you know it. She has no reason to hate me, she has no reason to feel anything negative toward me, she doesn't know anything about me. I am not going to banter back and forth with you about this, as I told you before, all I want from you is a little respect. You still can't do that. You won, you got everything you wanted...and yet you still have to poke at me and disrespect me and I am tired of it and I'm not going to take it. SIT is NOT a parent of our children regardless of how much time she spends with them, there is NO reason why she should ever contact me about anything with regards to the kids...that is your job, you are the father, it is your responsibility. I am not being petty or immature about this issue and I will not budge.
HIS RESPONSE:
You keep saying the same things over and over. What we have been talking about really has nothing to do with you and I, but the kids. SIT knows that we were married when we met, I never told her that we were separated until we were separated. When you started dating your BF he was still with his ex-girlfriend that he had a baby with, I don't judge you or him, which I told him directly. What does any of this have to do with communicating about the kids? You act like I call you names all the time, but I don't. You act like I am not civil to you, but I am. You act like I bad mouth you to the kids, but I don't. You act like I tell SIT our entire life was shit and that you were a horrible person, but I didn't. You act like I am some big, bad, evil person and you know that is not true. I have not claimed to being perfect and have admitted as much. I told the kids I take 100% of the blame that you and I split to protect you, what more do you want from me? If the disrespect part is that I don't always agree with you or have a different opinion, that is your problem. What is it about me that prevents you communicating and be civil to me for the sake of the kids? As for SIT, I believe that she was very clear that she does not consider herself the kids parent, but she is an adult, like your BF that has influence in their everyday life. I didn't realize that SIT reaching out to you on our daughter's behalf, about a rash and soap would cause you to again blow things out of proportion. This is just another example of your unwillingness to put your own feelings aside to benefit the kids.
Update...opening the lines of communication
Hey ladies...here is the latest update! She actually responded to me finally. I will share her email and my final response with you all. She is a walking contradiction and always plays the victim card. She spent most of her marriage cheating on my fiance or sitting on her ass not helping the kids or to get a job to help with the house. She had no problem spending money, and still has no problem getting money from my fiance or from me when I buy things for the kids that she refuses to with child support. I knew this is the response that I would get, and the entire family and other family friends have told me that she plays the "poor me" card no matter what. I feel so much better though knowing that I tried to have communication with her, but it didn't work. I was able to say what I wanted and now I know that she is exactly the person that everyone has told me that she is. Even her own kids.
HER EMAIL:
Funny...and all this time I thought you stopped answering your door because you felt awkward (being the other woman) facing me...I actually thought that maybe you had an attack of conscience. The bottom line is this, there is no reason why we should have to communicate unless your fiance slips into a coma when the kids are at your house. If you have a concern, you can express it to him and he can bring it to me. I wouldn't expect him to be aware of every tiny detail of the kids' daily life, but SD's rash problem is something that has been an issue for 8 or 9 years, it was a constant struggle to find products that didn't cause her problems....and we have talked about several times since we split up - especially when he first started to bring the kids to your house, so this particular issue is something he should have been familiar with.
Just for the record, I don't feel any need to defend myself to you, however, I do want to say a few things, I have always tried not to be rude to you but I will never be friendly. Perhaps when it happens to you, you will understand. You do not know me, you have this idea of who you think I am, but you know nothing about me and I can guarantee that anything you think you know about me is far from accurate. But that is the life and the reality you have chosen to be a part of. My kids, sadly, understand why I feel the way I do...they were apart of our life when everything imploded on us. They do not expect me to be cordial to you let alone friendly - occasions when I do say hello or speak to you they are always shocked. I am not certain (but I have a pretty good guess)why you think I'm angry and bitter, but that couldn't be further from reality, I forgave your fiance a long time ago. I have never bothered him, never picked fights with him, never EVER told him he couldn't see the kids, never once behaved in a vindictive way, as most women would have considering what happened. On the contrary, I have always been overly respectful of his choices. Last thing I would want is for his "happily ever after" to be ruined because THAT would hurt my children. The only time there is ever an issue is when he starts one.
My children like you, and for that I am thankful because you are right, you are a part of their lives. I have always encouraged them to accept you because I knew, from the day I decided that I couldn't forgive & forget this time, that you would eventually be their step-mother. Obviously you have no clue as to the efforts I have put in to ensure that my kids don't hate their dad or you. I have always encouraged them in a healthy direction regardless of what you may hear otherwise. But at the same time, I do not lie to my kids. This is their life and they have a right to understand things about it so if they ask, I answer as truthfully as I am able. I always encourage my children to go to your house, have a good time, follow the rules and make the best of the situation that we are living in now. Unfortunately, your fiance continually instigates my animosity and then pretends to wonder why I get upset. And quite honestly, it's not you that I am avoiding at functions, it's him....in a way, I feel sorry for you because you are in the dark. For all that he has done and continues to do to try to hurt me, I would prefer never to interact with him at all, unfortunately that is not realistic. But that is my reality and has nothing to do with you. All I have ever asked for from him is a bit of respect which he refuses to show. Perhaps one day you'll take a look at both sides of the story. Maybe when you have your own children and you spend 13 years fighting to keep your family together, you will begin to understand.
MY RESPONSE:
I still can't believe you've gotten this bent out of shape over soap. It seems so trivial to me, and I was only trying to help SD. It's a shame you reacted this way about something that would actually help your daughter. Since you and my fiance really can't seem to discuss anything without arguing with each other, and he's had more important things on his plate lately I thought I could help SD out on my own. I send both of the kids home with new clothes when they tell me that you can't buy any for them. I thought sending a bar of soap would honestly be no big deal. I'm sorry it got this far.
I won't ever contact you about anything ever again, so no worries. I see now that there is no benefit even for the kids in doing so. For the record, I don't know where you got this idea of what I think of you. I don't know you, just as you really know nothing about me. I met you one time before my fiance and I got together, and we hardly got to know each other. Anything that I know about you,or the ideas of what I have of you come from the kids or your behavior over the past 2 years that I have witnessed or been apart of. With the kids, I know that the kids exaggerate the truth in both houses most times just to make each parent feel better so I don't put much stock into everything they say. My fiance has told me all kinds of bad things and good things about you and your marriage. It has not just been one horrible BM bashing story. He's actually said a lot of nice things about you as well. No offense, but I couldn't care less about what happened over the 13 years you were married. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and truthfully...only you 2 know the real truth of things. I do not consider myself "the other woman". Unfortunately you do not know the full truth about our relationship either.
I don't want you walking around thinking that I hate you. I don't really have any feelings about you because I don't know you. To me, you are the mother of SS and SD and that's it. What's interesting is that the kids have told me on numerous occasions over the past 2 years about bad things that you have said about me, and that your ex-BF used to say about me. I have told them my side of the story as well, because it's not fair for you to tell them about things that you were not apart of...just as I would never them things that I know about that you did to damage your marriage to their dad because I wasn't there and wasn't part of your marriage. I only know my fiance's side and he wasn't perfect either. We all know that it takes 2 people to make and break a relationship. I know I'm the perfect scapegoat for you and why your marriage ended, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You say that you have done nothing but encourage the kids to have a relationship with their dad or even me, but your actions at times have proven otherwise, and the kids have said otherwise. It really hasn't mattered though, because despite everything that you said about me to the kids they still like me and I have a close relationship with each of them.
I will still say hello to you at functions, and over the course of our lives together when we see each other at their graduations, wedding showers, baby showers, etc. I will always be respectful of you for the kid's sake. I don't want them having anxiety about "what will happen with mom and SIT". I was hoping that you could do the same for them...that's all.
HER EMAIL:
Funny...and all this time I thought you stopped answering your door because you felt awkward (being the other woman) facing me...I actually thought that maybe you had an attack of conscience. The bottom line is this, there is no reason why we should have to communicate unless your fiance slips into a coma when the kids are at your house. If you have a concern, you can express it to him and he can bring it to me. I wouldn't expect him to be aware of every tiny detail of the kids' daily life, but SD's rash problem is something that has been an issue for 8 or 9 years, it was a constant struggle to find products that didn't cause her problems....and we have talked about several times since we split up - especially when he first started to bring the kids to your house, so this particular issue is something he should have been familiar with.
Just for the record, I don't feel any need to defend myself to you, however, I do want to say a few things, I have always tried not to be rude to you but I will never be friendly. Perhaps when it happens to you, you will understand. You do not know me, you have this idea of who you think I am, but you know nothing about me and I can guarantee that anything you think you know about me is far from accurate. But that is the life and the reality you have chosen to be a part of. My kids, sadly, understand why I feel the way I do...they were apart of our life when everything imploded on us. They do not expect me to be cordial to you let alone friendly - occasions when I do say hello or speak to you they are always shocked. I am not certain (but I have a pretty good guess)why you think I'm angry and bitter, but that couldn't be further from reality, I forgave your fiance a long time ago. I have never bothered him, never picked fights with him, never EVER told him he couldn't see the kids, never once behaved in a vindictive way, as most women would have considering what happened. On the contrary, I have always been overly respectful of his choices. Last thing I would want is for his "happily ever after" to be ruined because THAT would hurt my children. The only time there is ever an issue is when he starts one.
My children like you, and for that I am thankful because you are right, you are a part of their lives. I have always encouraged them to accept you because I knew, from the day I decided that I couldn't forgive & forget this time, that you would eventually be their step-mother. Obviously you have no clue as to the efforts I have put in to ensure that my kids don't hate their dad or you. I have always encouraged them in a healthy direction regardless of what you may hear otherwise. But at the same time, I do not lie to my kids. This is their life and they have a right to understand things about it so if they ask, I answer as truthfully as I am able. I always encourage my children to go to your house, have a good time, follow the rules and make the best of the situation that we are living in now. Unfortunately, your fiance continually instigates my animosity and then pretends to wonder why I get upset. And quite honestly, it's not you that I am avoiding at functions, it's him....in a way, I feel sorry for you because you are in the dark. For all that he has done and continues to do to try to hurt me, I would prefer never to interact with him at all, unfortunately that is not realistic. But that is my reality and has nothing to do with you. All I have ever asked for from him is a bit of respect which he refuses to show. Perhaps one day you'll take a look at both sides of the story. Maybe when you have your own children and you spend 13 years fighting to keep your family together, you will begin to understand.
MY RESPONSE:
I still can't believe you've gotten this bent out of shape over soap. It seems so trivial to me, and I was only trying to help SD. It's a shame you reacted this way about something that would actually help your daughter. Since you and my fiance really can't seem to discuss anything without arguing with each other, and he's had more important things on his plate lately I thought I could help SD out on my own. I send both of the kids home with new clothes when they tell me that you can't buy any for them. I thought sending a bar of soap would honestly be no big deal. I'm sorry it got this far.
I won't ever contact you about anything ever again, so no worries. I see now that there is no benefit even for the kids in doing so. For the record, I don't know where you got this idea of what I think of you. I don't know you, just as you really know nothing about me. I met you one time before my fiance and I got together, and we hardly got to know each other. Anything that I know about you,or the ideas of what I have of you come from the kids or your behavior over the past 2 years that I have witnessed or been apart of. With the kids, I know that the kids exaggerate the truth in both houses most times just to make each parent feel better so I don't put much stock into everything they say. My fiance has told me all kinds of bad things and good things about you and your marriage. It has not just been one horrible BM bashing story. He's actually said a lot of nice things about you as well. No offense, but I couldn't care less about what happened over the 13 years you were married. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and truthfully...only you 2 know the real truth of things. I do not consider myself "the other woman". Unfortunately you do not know the full truth about our relationship either.
I don't want you walking around thinking that I hate you. I don't really have any feelings about you because I don't know you. To me, you are the mother of SS and SD and that's it. What's interesting is that the kids have told me on numerous occasions over the past 2 years about bad things that you have said about me, and that your ex-BF used to say about me. I have told them my side of the story as well, because it's not fair for you to tell them about things that you were not apart of...just as I would never them things that I know about that you did to damage your marriage to their dad because I wasn't there and wasn't part of your marriage. I only know my fiance's side and he wasn't perfect either. We all know that it takes 2 people to make and break a relationship. I know I'm the perfect scapegoat for you and why your marriage ended, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You say that you have done nothing but encourage the kids to have a relationship with their dad or even me, but your actions at times have proven otherwise, and the kids have said otherwise. It really hasn't mattered though, because despite everything that you said about me to the kids they still like me and I have a close relationship with each of them.
I will still say hello to you at functions, and over the course of our lives together when we see each other at their graduations, wedding showers, baby showers, etc. I will always be respectful of you for the kid's sake. I don't want them having anxiety about "what will happen with mom and SIT". I was hoping that you could do the same for them...that's all.
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