Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The end of a friendship

I've been quiet from posting for several weeks because my bridesmaid for my upcoming wedding and I have parted ways.

Ok, that's saying it nicely. The facts are this...she had been married less than 2 years to a guy with a kid (so she was a fellow stepmom) when he said "I just don't feel like being married anymore" and left her. There had been rumors flying around since before she even married him that he was cheating on her. Frankly the guy has always made me sick, BUT it was my friend's husband and I didn't have to be married to him so I really never said anything. However, when all signs were pointing to him cheating on her I had to tell her. She of course was in denial and made a million excuses for this loser. The thing of it all is that we all worked together. Friend, her husband, his girlfriend, and me. Well, in my job I have to work with hundreds of people and they all wanted to keep telling me stuff and gossip it all out to me. I did my best to stay neutral and protect my friend even when it has put me in a bad spot with my job. Unfortunately it is now almost a year since he's moved out and she still thinks they might work it out. Ok, he lives with his girlfriend, and sure he hasn't filed divorce paperwork, but come the fuck's over. He won't go to therapy, won't break up with the girlfriend, and really other than not filing (which I think he has alterior financial motives for why he's not filing) he's not giving her any reason to believe that he's coming back. I gave her a lot of time to join reality and see that he was no good for her and continuing to pine after him was no good for her. One night I had texted her telling her that I was sorry if I was taking my frustration with people gossiping at work about her on her, and that I hoped that one day she would be able to move past everything and have a better life. She didn't want to speak to me after that (which I'm still not exactly sure what I said that made her that upset). After 2 weeks of not speaking to me or telling me why she was upset I sent her a long email like an intervention where I pointed out what she's doing to herself and how unhealthy it is to keep at the rate she's going. How she can't continue on the way that she was, and that after this much time I can no longer sit around and listen to her act like she is a victim when she was not willing to stand up for herself, protect herself financially, or face up to the truth.

Let me be clear. We weren't just co-workers. We had been friends for nearly 6 years. We started out as co-workers, but then over the years it evolved into spending a lot of time together, going on trips together, spa days together, spending holidays at each other's houses with each other's family. That kind of friend (in my opinion) needs to hear the truth sometimes that they don't want to hear. Not just sugar coating. It's like dealing with a drug addict, but this douche bag is her drug. After quite some time you start to really lose respect for a woman like that who is willing to be a punching bag, but then whine about it. Especially since this started over 2 years ago with his lying and cheating and being an absent husband. This didn't just happen yesterday.

Eventually she refused to talk and only responded that she no longer wanted to be friends. So, on with the wedding plans without her. All the other girls coming to my wedding and family have really stepped up to fill in for anything she was involved in. It's been refreshing to see people be so willing to help out.

Some might think that I was too blunt, and others might think I did exactly what I needed to do by saying what I said after biting my tongue for so long. Either way, it doesn't really matter because the friendship is over. I don't really need negative friends like that, and I certainly can't be the fake friend who sits around acting like what she's doing is totally healthy and normal. I feel sad for her that she has chosen to live the way she is, but I'm also happy that I won't have to tiptoe around about my wedding and happy things in my life because I don't want to upset her.

Will I miss her? Of course I'll miss her. She was like family to me. She was my first stepmom friend and helped me get comfortable with dating a guy with kids. I also ran my first 1/2 marathon with her, and asked her to be in my wedding...the most important day in my life so far. Unfortunatly, a lot of things that held us together (which was mainly the stepmom thing) were no longer something we had in common and it did make it awkward to talk to her about things with my skids thinking that it might hurt her feelings because she no longer talks to her skid. Some friendships are meant to just be during a certain time in your life, and it looks like this is just one of those.


  1. :( So sorry you have to deal with this. Your "friend" is probably in shock regarding her situation, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. Thank goodness for your other friends who are willing to step up and fill in. Much love, and good luck with the planning!

  2. Sorry to hear about your friend. I think you did the right thing, some times people need a reality check. In the end you can only do so much. You said your bit, and she choose to react the way she did.

    Plus you wouldn't want her sulking around at your wedding anyway.