Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Opening the lines of communication

So, I had my first go at contacting the BM about something for the kids. I wanted to use this as a "test" to see if she would be at all open for communication with me. Even if it was something VERY simple for her kid. It turns out that she cares more about her feelings/issues about there being another woman in her kid's lives that she can't see past anything to help her kids.

It took A LOT for me to even reach out, and by the time I sent my last email I just finally got out everything I've ever wanted to say. I feel like a MILLION bucks being able to get that off of my chest.

Here are the emails:

My initial email:

Hey BM,

SD mentioned to me that she has been getting a rash, and she thinks it's from the soap she's been using at our house. She's been using this soap for almost a year without an issue, but she said there is a different soap that you get her at your house that she's had no issues with. Can you please send a bar of that soap with her the next time they are at our house (next Wednesday) so that we can make sure we are getting the right brand in the future? I know she has really sensitive skin, and want to make sure that we take care of this right away.

Thanks so much!
Stepmom in Training

Her response:

I have forwarded needed information to their dad. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would discuss any questions or concerns you may have about MY children with THEIR father and he can contact me directly.

My response:

I understand your request, however, I will be their stepmom soon, and it would be best if you and I are able to discuss the needs of the kids while in my house. I'm not going anywhere ever, and the sooner that you realizeit the better adjusted the kids will be.

Her response:

Wow...you sure do have a lot of balls. I will give you that. First off, just because you will have the title "stepmom" does not mean you have any authority over my children. I will not discuss anything with you, ever. As I said, if you have any concerns, speak with their father and he can discuss our children directly with me.

My response:

I will never claim any authority over your kids, nor was my attempt at trying to help SD asserting authority. The fact of the matter is that I do CARE for the kids. Not only emotionally, but also in other ways that parents do. We both know that you and I do not think highly of one another. That is no secret. You and I don't have to like each other, but if it is something that is in the best interests of the kids...the kids feelings and needs should come first. I am here helping to raise your children 50% of the time.. I feed them, buy them clothes, do their laundry, do the shopping, listen to their troubles, and take care of them when they are sick...among other numerous things. I'm sure that is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. My fiance does not know every little thing that the kids need, and the kids don't hardly pay attention to what they use. Do you think that my fiance knows what kind of pads to get for SD? Neither do I, but I do my best to try to get the right things for her. He's not the one scrubbing period blood out of her jeans when she has an accident either. It would have been nice to be able to contact you to discuss. Not all teenage girls want their dad involved in every discussion. For over 2 years I have tried to give you space. I stopped opening the door to my own house so that you didn't have to feel awkward. I have only tried to say hello to you in public, and try not to crowd you. It seems like no matter how nice I try to be to you that you are going to remain bitter and angry. I had hoped that one day, for the sake of the kids, that we could be civil enough that they wouldn't feel that they need to lie so much in each household.

You are the kids mother, you will always be that. I never claim otherwise, and don't treat them otherwise. I will never treat you otherwise. But I am another woman that your kids live with who has a great impact on the adults they will become, and trying to do my best by not stepping on your toes. I guess that if you and I cannot talk about soap then we won't be able to talk about bigger things that already are coming up and will continue to come up. Ie: sex, makeup, boys, driving, etc. Things that I hoped I could make sure I'm saying the same things to SD that you would be not to take any authority away from you. I'm sorry we won't be able to do that. Sorry that I upset you with the needs of your children. I didn't think askingyou to send one bar of soap for your daughter would be that much of a headache.


So, we'll see if there is any response. I'm sure that if there is it will be more backlash about how I have no clue or it's none of my business. She did email my fiance and tell him how she doesn't want me contacting her and that I don't need to be concerned with the kids. She is in obvious denial about my role in her kid's life and in my house. He ended up responding to her with this:

Fiance's email to BM:


When are you going to grow up? It has been quite some time since you and I split and for you to carry around this anger is ridiculous. You don't think the kids are impacted by your immaturity when it comes to communicating with SIT & I? i.e. not saying "Hi" when we are at joint events, or you sitting in your car and waiting for them rather than coming to the door like an adult? You used to and now you don't, not sure why that changed. What kind of example are you setting for the kids that if they don't like someone that they work with or had a relationship that broke up, that they need to be petty and angry toward them? Is it really good for you and people all around you, for you to be this bitter and angry that you can't answer a simple question for the benefit of our kids to SIT. I am the one who broke it off with you, I am the one who hurt you, not her. She genuinely cares for our kids and is a positive influence on them on how to treat people, how to respect people and how to put your our feelings aside to benefit them. Maybe you should take a lesson from her example. She is an important part of the kids life (50% to be exact) and she has always respected the fact that I am their father and you are their mother. But the fact of the matter is that there are 2 additional people that will, whether we want it or not, shape our kids' lives and who they will become. I truly believe that SIT and your BF, both, love our kids and want the best for them. I do not see any issue with any of us talking with the other in regards to the kids well being. Over the next, at least 5 years, there will be times where I will be unavailable and there may be something that is needed or an answer given in regards to the kids and SIT should be able to contact you in those circumstances What about when the kids get married or have a baby? Do you want these moments to be even more stressful for the kids because you are quite obvious of your disdain? That is not the way it should be and not what I want for my kids. You cannot act like SIT does not exist, I never expected you two to be friends but if it is about the kids you should be a bigger person. If this is a problem, maybe you should talk to someone about your angers and frustrations so that we can all move on with our lives, otherwise it will be a long, bitter life for you carrying around all of this hate.

The best fiance EVER!

Is he not so great for standing up for me? Can we see why I am marrying this man, and why I put up with this crap in my life?

I feel bad that the kids have a mother like this, but we have both tried so many times to make nice with the BM. The skids at 12 and 14 are understanding and seeing that their mom is miserable. I will still say hi and be cordial in front of the kids, but no longer will I worry about what I allow them to do at our house that she doesn't at theirs. I'm not going to worry about talking to them about young adult issues, and I'm going to just keep being me. My fiance loves me, and those kids love me. Even if she doesn't want to see it. It doesn't matter what she says or thinks she is making herself out to be a joke to her kids. They already make fun of her at our house about what a bitter spiteful woman she is and how she acts worse than a teenager. Karma will kick her in the ass eventually and she'll wish she was a little nicer.


  1. great post. i think so many of us struggle with this (ugh, it's almost verbatim! what gives?!), but it sounds like you're making peace with your situation. and yes, props to your fiance. ;)

  2. I get the same reactions so I don't even try to talk to the ex anymore. But I love what your BF wrote. He's totally correct and it is in the best interest of the kids for everyone to be kind and respectful toward one another. Good luck. I have a feeling the response is going to be nasty.

  3. wow, this was a great read. I am a step mom of two children,a bio mom, ex wife, wife and work full time. I've had many similar encounters, attempted to be friends, had a cordial relationship for a little while and now am back to minimal contact and bio mom taking DH to mediation asking for full custody. Always glad to know I'm not alone :)

  4. Oh my goodness, do we share the same bio mum?? I will now continue to read the rest of your blog.